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I sit here, idle, finding stupid things to do online... it's been a long day, but i'm just so afraid to end it. Because ending it means i'll have to lay my head on my pillow and that's when it will hit me... I'm never going to see Waffle again... I was told by both juliette and Mandy that they are putting him down this week, and i get home saturday, too late... It's really hard, and people just don't understand...
It started out great, chem is finally over and i thought my joyous summer was about to begin, i was gonna relax and hang out with a few friends until my last final friday, and then go home and back to volunteering at the barn... but it's wierd... now i dont really want to do anything... i dont want to go out and have fun... all i want to do is go freaking home and hug my waffle pony one more time... memories of him resting his head in my lap.. hours upon hours of just sitting in his stall making sure he didnt hurt himself... all of it keeps running through my head and it fucking sucks... they all told me i didnt have to worry because he would be there when i came home.. now they are putting him down a mere few days before i arrive... and i know its not fair to keep him around suffering, just so i can see him again, but why do they have to lead me on making me believe he is better than what he really was... ugh!!!
I'm not mad at them im just mad at the situation.... i just need sleep, but im afraid of how long it will take to come and how long i will be laying on my bed thinking of my pony... how many memories will jog my mind... and worst of all, what will my dreams consist of... will it again be like it was with benji... waking up with a wet pillow and once again red eyes... have another night when i sleep for hours, but feel like i havent slept a wink...
and i know you are all sitting there reading this thinking of how stupid i am to get upset over an animal that isnt technically mine... but no one has really understood how much those horses are mine... i share them with that whole barn, and its just like losing a pet, but more than that, because it's just been so sudden, and so unexpected in a way... I just want things to be the way they were a year ago... eveything seemed so right, so perfect, and ever since then i feel like it's just been getting worse... all of it... everything...
I guess it's time to face my fear... put my head on that pillow... and try my best to sleep...
Here's a picture of waffle... yup he's the little pony in my icon too... the icon i've had since day 1 of this journal... and i don't think i'll ever change it...
It started out great, chem is finally over and i thought my joyous summer was about to begin, i was gonna relax and hang out with a few friends until my last final friday, and then go home and back to volunteering at the barn... but it's wierd... now i dont really want to do anything... i dont want to go out and have fun... all i want to do is go freaking home and hug my waffle pony one more time... memories of him resting his head in my lap.. hours upon hours of just sitting in his stall making sure he didnt hurt himself... all of it keeps running through my head and it fucking sucks... they all told me i didnt have to worry because he would be there when i came home.. now they are putting him down a mere few days before i arrive... and i know its not fair to keep him around suffering, just so i can see him again, but why do they have to lead me on making me believe he is better than what he really was... ugh!!!
I'm not mad at them im just mad at the situation.... i just need sleep, but im afraid of how long it will take to come and how long i will be laying on my bed thinking of my pony... how many memories will jog my mind... and worst of all, what will my dreams consist of... will it again be like it was with benji... waking up with a wet pillow and once again red eyes... have another night when i sleep for hours, but feel like i havent slept a wink...
and i know you are all sitting there reading this thinking of how stupid i am to get upset over an animal that isnt technically mine... but no one has really understood how much those horses are mine... i share them with that whole barn, and its just like losing a pet, but more than that, because it's just been so sudden, and so unexpected in a way... I just want things to be the way they were a year ago... eveything seemed so right, so perfect, and ever since then i feel like it's just been getting worse... all of it... everything...
I guess it's time to face my fear... put my head on that pillow... and try my best to sleep...
Here's a picture of waffle... yup he's the little pony in my icon too... the icon i've had since day 1 of this journal... and i don't think i'll ever change it...