[F-LOCKED] It's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I'm trying v. hard to not be melodramatic or anything about the whole wedding. Yes, I make jokes about it and I snicker when others make jokes and comments about the bride being a bit of a ho, but the truth is, I wish her the best in life. She has a healthy (and by all accounts, beautiful) baby girl and I wish HER the best, too.
Just please don't hate John for everything that's happened. What's done is done and he's done his best to live up to his responsibilities. Don't fault him for wanting to find peace, for grasping at straws, for believing that there might be some small chance for his own happiness in life.
And please everyone, stop trying to dance around the subject around me. Talk about it or don't talk about it, this wedding isn't the core of my life. If it comes up in conversation, you don't have to clam up and look the other way like you're doing something wrong by discussing it in my presence. It might be hard for me to hear, but it's harder for me to think I should try harder to avoid human companionship for the time being.
I've learned to stop taking things so personally and so to heart. I've finally learned to build a bit of a wall around my heart so it's not as easy to break it anymore. In the past few months, I've had a friend die, a lover murdered and found out the man I loved is marrying the mother of his child. I had a friend try to kill himself and I saw my best friend being kissed by the man I loved. But on the other hand, I've made some good friends, I found that just because I've spent the past couple of years in love with someone doesn't mean I can't love someone else (even if this someone else looks better in a dress than me). I've learned to stop being judgmental. I've learned to stop being worried what everyone else thinks and does. I've thrown out an expensive pair of jeans (well, donated them to the girl down the hall who always liked them) in favor of a pair of jeans that I've had for years but didn't want to wear because they were out of style. I'm learning to embrace ME. So don't pity me. I've lost a lot, but I've gained a richness of life in return. I've emptied myself in tears, but filled myself in new experiences.
So if I've been avoiding you, or seem like I don't want to be around anyone, I hope this explains things some. If I've hurt you in the past, the present or in the future, please know that it's not my intention. I know I've done things, and will do things soon, that will cause pain and hardship. But know that I've twisted myself inside out to make it as painless as possible for everyone.
I've learned one important lesson recently: Sometimes I have to be a little selfish.
Just please don't hate John for everything that's happened. What's done is done and he's done his best to live up to his responsibilities. Don't fault him for wanting to find peace, for grasping at straws, for believing that there might be some small chance for his own happiness in life.
And please everyone, stop trying to dance around the subject around me. Talk about it or don't talk about it, this wedding isn't the core of my life. If it comes up in conversation, you don't have to clam up and look the other way like you're doing something wrong by discussing it in my presence. It might be hard for me to hear, but it's harder for me to think I should try harder to avoid human companionship for the time being.
I've learned to stop taking things so personally and so to heart. I've finally learned to build a bit of a wall around my heart so it's not as easy to break it anymore. In the past few months, I've had a friend die, a lover murdered and found out the man I loved is marrying the mother of his child. I had a friend try to kill himself and I saw my best friend being kissed by the man I loved. But on the other hand, I've made some good friends, I found that just because I've spent the past couple of years in love with someone doesn't mean I can't love someone else (even if this someone else looks better in a dress than me). I've learned to stop being judgmental. I've learned to stop being worried what everyone else thinks and does. I've thrown out an expensive pair of jeans (well, donated them to the girl down the hall who always liked them) in favor of a pair of jeans that I've had for years but didn't want to wear because they were out of style. I'm learning to embrace ME. So don't pity me. I've lost a lot, but I've gained a richness of life in return. I've emptied myself in tears, but filled myself in new experiences.
So if I've been avoiding you, or seem like I don't want to be around anyone, I hope this explains things some. If I've hurt you in the past, the present or in the future, please know that it's not my intention. I know I've done things, and will do things soon, that will cause pain and hardship. But know that I've twisted myself inside out to make it as painless as possible for everyone.
I've learned one important lesson recently: Sometimes I have to be a little selfish.