[PRIVATE] Take me as I am, who I was meant to be.
So I can't hide my head in the sand anymore.
John doesn't love me. Not like I love him. Oh sure, maybe he means it when he says it, and it DID seem like he meant it, but... it turns out that the night of the rave, not only did he kiss Sammie but he left with Jo and Claire and had a threesome with them. JO. YES THAT JO. I didn't even-- I didn't know-- I don't even know what to say! I just can't believe it but apparently it's true even though I didn't ask him and part of me wants to and part of me is all no lettie just let it go because you're better off without him, look at how he's always making you feel bad for whatever reason but omg I love him and I don't know if I can ever stop.
(PS: Met Claire. Got to know her. She is NOT A HO! She's really nice and I like her and I just wish that every time I saw her, I didn't see HER WITH JOHN. But she's with Hemi now and if she hurts him I'll kill her so it won't matter but omg she's so niiiiice! I wanna be friends. plz let us be friends. In any other situation we'd totally be friends.)
I want to believe he loves me. i really really really want to. I want to believe I'm good enough, smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough and just ENOUGH for him but I can't be and that's what hurts the most.
But I'm done crying. I'm done feeling horrible about it. I'm just DONE with it. (Even though I know I'm really not.)
I needed to know I can be enough. That I can be what someone wants when they want it and be enough for them. So I stayed with Woody overnight and we had this beautiful hotel room and it was romantic and he was romantic and everything was so close to perfect. So close. Closest I've ever been. And he knows. He knows everything. About John. About Bram. About me. And it's OKAY.
Oh Bram. I know I have to stop this rollercoaster before I drag you onto it with me. I swear, once I figure it all out, once I realize WHY I am doing this, I'll be more what you need and want and deserve. I will. But I have to figure this out and soon before it makes me rethink everything about myself.
John doesn't love me. Not like I love him. Oh sure, maybe he means it when he says it, and it DID seem like he meant it, but... it turns out that the night of the rave, not only did he kiss Sammie but he left with Jo and Claire and had a threesome with them. JO. YES THAT JO. I didn't even-- I didn't know-- I don't even know what to say! I just can't believe it but apparently it's true even though I didn't ask him and part of me wants to and part of me is all no lettie just let it go because you're better off without him, look at how he's always making you feel bad for whatever reason but omg I love him and I don't know if I can ever stop.
(PS: Met Claire. Got to know her. She is NOT A HO! She's really nice and I like her and I just wish that every time I saw her, I didn't see HER WITH JOHN. But she's with Hemi now and if she hurts him I'll kill her so it won't matter but omg she's so niiiiice! I wanna be friends. plz let us be friends. In any other situation we'd totally be friends.)
I want to believe he loves me. i really really really want to. I want to believe I'm good enough, smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough and just ENOUGH for him but I can't be and that's what hurts the most.
But I'm done crying. I'm done feeling horrible about it. I'm just DONE with it. (Even though I know I'm really not.)
I needed to know I can be enough. That I can be what someone wants when they want it and be enough for them. So I stayed with Woody overnight and we had this beautiful hotel room and it was romantic and he was romantic and everything was so close to perfect. So close. Closest I've ever been. And he knows. He knows everything. About John. About Bram. About me. And it's OKAY.
Oh Bram. I know I have to stop this rollercoaster before I drag you onto it with me. I swear, once I figure it all out, once I realize WHY I am doing this, I'll be more what you need and want and deserve. I will. But I have to figure this out and soon before it makes me rethink everything about myself.