{FRIENDS LOCKED] Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side, it's the Climb.
It's strange how being home isn't like being home at all. It's the same bed I used to sleep in. It's the same window I used to stare out of. Once upon a time I used to stare out at Jack in the yard with Whit and think 'One day maybe he will love me as much as I love him' and then I grew up and realized he never would. Or I never would. I dunno. But it makes me sad, not because I WANT to have a crush on him anymore, but because now that I don't, it feels like part of me is gone.
I feel homeless. Like this isn't home. Stupid prep school wasn't home. Mine and Sammie's room at Tate isn't home (but it sure comes close). I guess I don't really know where I belong anymore, and that's some of what I came back here to figure out. I think I left here to head back to campus too soon. I was back one day and felt this strange urge to leave again. It was too soon, too much. It still hurts. A lot. I still see him kissing her when I close my eyes and even though I know (and always did, really) that it wasn't her kissing him, it still hurts. It's bad when you can't even trust that the person you love isn't going to do something to hurt you. It's bad that I know he doesn't love me and I still love him.
So yeah. This isn't going to be yet another Poor Lettie rant or anything. I don't WANT people to feel bad for me. I'm working through it. It's more than just this one little incident of someone kissing someone else that made me come back home for a week or so. Not even sure when I'll be back. I will be back. Tadic would probably love an excuse to drop me from his class. Anyway, I feel like when I'm ready to come back, when I'm removed enough from the physical presence of everything, when I know ME again, I'll be back. It might take another day, it might take another week. I dunno yet.
What I do know, however, is this:
* I love too easily and too much for my own wellbeing.
* Sammie is my BFF and always will be and even when I tell her I hate her, she is persistant and breaks me down until I admit that it's not her I'm mad at anyway. much.
* A stuffed bear will cure many things.
* My mom's homemade hot chocolate with whipped cream and cinnamon is possibly my favorite thing in the world right now and at this rate, I will need a new wardrobe because I am becoming a fatty fatty two-by-four.
* My window seems empty without Jack and Whit in the yard.
* A few days without my phone on (and without my laptop save for this update and checking my class emails) is NOT going to kill me. I'm even not playing that stupid online crack game that Jack got me started on (even though I suck and hardly played anyway because of the aforementioned sucking).
So that's that.
Miss everyone.
Well, most everyone. You know who you are that I don't miss.
I feel homeless. Like this isn't home. Stupid prep school wasn't home. Mine and Sammie's room at Tate isn't home (but it sure comes close). I guess I don't really know where I belong anymore, and that's some of what I came back here to figure out. I think I left here to head back to campus too soon. I was back one day and felt this strange urge to leave again. It was too soon, too much. It still hurts. A lot. I still see him kissing her when I close my eyes and even though I know (and always did, really) that it wasn't her kissing him, it still hurts. It's bad when you can't even trust that the person you love isn't going to do something to hurt you. It's bad that I know he doesn't love me and I still love him.
So yeah. This isn't going to be yet another Poor Lettie rant or anything. I don't WANT people to feel bad for me. I'm working through it. It's more than just this one little incident of someone kissing someone else that made me come back home for a week or so. Not even sure when I'll be back. I will be back. Tadic would probably love an excuse to drop me from his class. Anyway, I feel like when I'm ready to come back, when I'm removed enough from the physical presence of everything, when I know ME again, I'll be back. It might take another day, it might take another week. I dunno yet.
What I do know, however, is this:
* I love too easily and too much for my own wellbeing.
* Sammie is my BFF and always will be and even when I tell her I hate her, she is persistant and breaks me down until I admit that it's not her I'm mad at anyway. much.
* A stuffed bear will cure many things.
* My mom's homemade hot chocolate with whipped cream and cinnamon is possibly my favorite thing in the world right now and at this rate, I will need a new wardrobe because I am becoming a fatty fatty two-by-four.
* My window seems empty without Jack and Whit in the yard.
* A few days without my phone on (and without my laptop save for this update and checking my class emails) is NOT going to kill me. I'm even not playing that stupid online crack game that Jack got me started on (even though I suck and hardly played anyway because of the aforementioned sucking).
So that's that.
Miss everyone.
Well, most everyone. You know who you are that I don't miss.