Venting for the sake of venting's sake
Well things are down again, but I figure as long as I vent somewhere than I'm not holding it in and thus not getting major down. Its important that I don't let things like that build up. Anyway, here goes.
I'm stuck. Today is the last day for work for me until January, and that's if everything turns out then, leaving me with 600 dollars of rent to somehow make up. Reminds me how crappy our economy is and brings me to the next point. You know it seems at this point that I will never get a job in this economy other than watching kids and by the time I'm however old and things around here start looking up, then I will only have experience in only child care and even though its not something I want to continue to do, it will be my only option. Its depressing. I miss school. I miss thinking I have a chance in the lifetime of making something of myself. I look forward into my life and all I see is struggle and doing something I don't want to.
I want to have a baby. But I think its just the idea of a baby now because as for the rest of it... I'm not sure how things would go. I can't stand watching kids anymore. I've helped raise Emma and now Jonathan for almost an entire year and I can tell myself without even having to ponder it that even though I love babies, I couldn't have one. They scare me. In fact, they horrify my. The crying, the screaming, the sickness, the working away my life for someone who I can't even understand until they are at least 10. I'd be a terrible mother. It hurts me to say that, because I know Mik wants to have a baby, and I want to have one, but... I'm going to ruin all that. I mean I asked my mom when she was pregnant if she was ever scared. I mean when she had us, and she told me that she was never scared, she knew she wanted to be a mother and she was happy about it. I've been terrified. Says something about it. I guess I'm not meant to have my own kids, just be forced to watch other people's children and grow sick and tired about it.
On top of this I'm about to vent about something that I understand completely and accept, so this one is just irrational anger coming out in other places because I've been so angry. So here it is. I want to live with Mik. I want things to move on. I want something stable instead of the sporadic lifestyle I've been living. I love my Mik. More than anything. I have never turned my back on him and never will because everything else don't matter, just that I love him, but like I said this part is just irrational anger in other areas, soooooo. As I said, I'm tired of mothers. Mine always bantering about how everything is negative, and I'm tired of Mik's mom. Clara, god bless her, I love that woman, she's gonna be my mother in law, BUT! It doesn't change that she needs to learn to take care of herself and stop projecting her crap on him. Yes she took care of him, but a mother's job is to raise their child to be alright to move on, I'm ready and I'm pretty sure he's ready, but it doesn't change that she's parasitic and so is mine. BAH!
Anyway, I'm gonna move on. That was ranting and stupid. I'm going to get back to watching the kids. See ya.
Justine
I'm stuck. Today is the last day for work for me until January, and that's if everything turns out then, leaving me with 600 dollars of rent to somehow make up. Reminds me how crappy our economy is and brings me to the next point. You know it seems at this point that I will never get a job in this economy other than watching kids and by the time I'm however old and things around here start looking up, then I will only have experience in only child care and even though its not something I want to continue to do, it will be my only option. Its depressing. I miss school. I miss thinking I have a chance in the lifetime of making something of myself. I look forward into my life and all I see is struggle and doing something I don't want to.
I want to have a baby. But I think its just the idea of a baby now because as for the rest of it... I'm not sure how things would go. I can't stand watching kids anymore. I've helped raise Emma and now Jonathan for almost an entire year and I can tell myself without even having to ponder it that even though I love babies, I couldn't have one. They scare me. In fact, they horrify my. The crying, the screaming, the sickness, the working away my life for someone who I can't even understand until they are at least 10. I'd be a terrible mother. It hurts me to say that, because I know Mik wants to have a baby, and I want to have one, but... I'm going to ruin all that. I mean I asked my mom when she was pregnant if she was ever scared. I mean when she had us, and she told me that she was never scared, she knew she wanted to be a mother and she was happy about it. I've been terrified. Says something about it. I guess I'm not meant to have my own kids, just be forced to watch other people's children and grow sick and tired about it.
On top of this I'm about to vent about something that I understand completely and accept, so this one is just irrational anger coming out in other places because I've been so angry. So here it is. I want to live with Mik. I want things to move on. I want something stable instead of the sporadic lifestyle I've been living. I love my Mik. More than anything. I have never turned my back on him and never will because everything else don't matter, just that I love him, but like I said this part is just irrational anger in other areas, soooooo. As I said, I'm tired of mothers. Mine always bantering about how everything is negative, and I'm tired of Mik's mom. Clara, god bless her, I love that woman, she's gonna be my mother in law, BUT! It doesn't change that she needs to learn to take care of herself and stop projecting her crap on him. Yes she took care of him, but a mother's job is to raise their child to be alright to move on, I'm ready and I'm pretty sure he's ready, but it doesn't change that she's parasitic and so is mine. BAH!
Anyway, I'm gonna move on. That was ranting and stupid. I'm going to get back to watching the kids. See ya.
Justine