(no subject)
I suppose I should update. It's been a fuck of a long time. And yet, it doesn't feel like it, because I've been spending so much time on LJ lately.
Basically, I decided to turn my LJ into the 'data' for my thesis. I've been pretty consistent with my journaling (be it this account, my other LJ, or my two hardcover journals) for the past four years, and I figured it was about time to go back through my journals and start piecing them together.
For my thesis, I'll be working from key experiences during my transition where I felt the most uncomfortable or faced the biggest obstacles to explore the ways in which my transition from white, 'lesbian' (problematic term, but that's something I'll get into in the thesis), working class female to white, queer, academic transsexual male have been regulated through the organization of public space (namely, the bus, the bathroom, and the classroom), intimate relationships, family relationships, bureaucracy (financial institutions, university, etc.), and the medical/psychological establishments.
So needless to say, I've been spending hours pouring over my journals, reacquainting myself with ... well, myself.
And my GOD was I a whiny little bitch. Holy CRAP. It's completely embarassing to read through my entries from two or three or four years ago. It's interesting to see how I've matured, but it's been a painful process going back through old relationships, heart break, depression, happiness, confusion, and so forth. Definitely rewarding though.
Aside from doing that work, I've been tackling all of the due dates for my other courses over the past two weeks. I asked for extensions and used my time fairly wisely. I can feel such a difference between this year and the previous. Last year, I had a lesser course load but one extra job, and everything just seemed to be TOO much. I couldn't manage anything at all and I eventually just started to shut down. This year, I have approximately the same work load, if not more, and I just don't feel the pressure like I did last year. Mind you, quite a few things have changed: I've been on depression/anxiety medication for approximately a year now, I'm approximately six months into my physical transition, I'm out to my family and besides the frequent (but getting better!) mixup in name and pronoun, things are relatively stable on the home front. Well, my mom has never been and will never be stable, but this as close as it gets, I'll assume. I'm in a healthy (for the most part) and monogamous (jesus christ, i really DO have the ability to be committed) relationship. I have two seminars with kids who, for the most part, respect me and respond well to my attempts to get them to think.
I feel good. Things are good.
And dear god am I getting fuzzy. My stomach hair is coming in thicker and darker every day. I've got a cute little treasure trail going on. My jaw has squared off pretty well, and my facial hair is threatening. It's like wire-y peach fuzz... I have a handful of dark sideburn hairs on either side and about five goatee hairs (that I shave every three or four days to avoid looking like a dirt ball). I think my voice has settled into the lowest range that it's going to reach, which actually makes me feel a little sad. I kind of wish it would keep going... I think that was probably the most exciting part of my transition (so far, obviously). My hips are SLOWLY (oh dear god, so fucking slowly) repositioning and getting slimmer. I'm not sure if it's possible, but I think my actual hip bones are moving inwards, because when Megan does my shot (we trade off biweekly) she has to site each time because it's a little different every time. My shoulders have broadened out and I have muscles all across my back. I'm just generally in life stronger, I can grip something in my hands and squeeze and feel a huge difference in control. I can lift things with greater ease (such as Megan. I pride myself on being able to scoop her up and carry her around without breaking a sweat). I know, that's kind of hetero-sickening, eh? My leg hair is THICK. I can't really think of anything else... I'm noticing new hair patterns on the back of my hands and the hair on my forearms is darkening down a bit. I've always had hair on my feet, and it's getting thicker too. Uhm, as far as I can tell, my dick isn't getting any longer per se, but it's definitely getting wider/thicker. Again, too much information, sorry.
I'm not going to lie, there is a part of me that hesitates with every new hair. I get a little scared... I think it's just habit. I think there are still parts of me that function on internalized transphobia, and I'll get a new facial hair and a part of me will go into panic mode, like, oh fuck - what have i done? I have to pluck it out! People are going to think I'm a freak! And then I'll calm down and breathe and continue to stare at my self in the mirror... and then all of a sudden I can imagine myself with facial hair for REAL, instead of all those dreams and all those times when I went to stroke my goatee and there WASN'T one. I think a lot of the reaction is nervousness... like, this is a big thing in my life. This is almost like growing up. To me, growing facial hair is like that final and absolute marker of maleness for me, it's something I've always wanted and dreamed about, and now it's just SO CLOSE... So I wanted to acknowledge my feelings of hesitation or fear, because I think it's okay to feel that way. I often wonder if non-trans men feel any emotions over growing facial hair.
I've also noticed, since starting hormones, such a greater desire for some form of bottom surgery. This is completely new. I've never really felt that before, but over the past four or five months, I've felt it with a vengeance. I think I'm dealing with a broad array of emotions around not being able to get a hard on (well... I get hard ons all the time, what I mean is, there's a huge part of me that is angry about not being able to go through my teenage years and experience wet dreams and inopportune erections... I know, that sounds stupid and most non-trans men probably wish they could've escaped those moments... but I just wish, i really do wish I could feel whole in that way). I just wish that I could feel that part of my body in the way I want to.. I left a comment about this in a friend's journal, but I honestly just have this deep desire to be able to penetrate my partner and feel her from the inside. To be able to come inside of her and actually FEEL her pleasure... I know, this is probably too graphic. I don't really know how else to explain it. I think at this point I'm just trying to work through the anger and frustration about not having those abilities. I've never wanted children in my life, but now that I've reached a point in my life where there really is no possibility of fathering my own child (don't get me wrong, I don't mean to privilege those children whom are genetically related over those whom are adopted), of being able to continue my family tree and see what I could produce/create... I know, some transmen stop hormones to carry a child to term, but I dont see that happening at ALL in my life.
ANYways.
I doubt that I'll be having any form of bottom surgery for a LONG time, if at all. That's a major step that I'm no where near being emotionally, physically, or mentally ready to even consider.
So, aside from that, I can't really think of anything else to update about. Maybe in the next few weeks I'll take some pictures and post them for those of you that I haven' seen in a long time.
'Til then.
Basically, I decided to turn my LJ into the 'data' for my thesis. I've been pretty consistent with my journaling (be it this account, my other LJ, or my two hardcover journals) for the past four years, and I figured it was about time to go back through my journals and start piecing them together.
For my thesis, I'll be working from key experiences during my transition where I felt the most uncomfortable or faced the biggest obstacles to explore the ways in which my transition from white, 'lesbian' (problematic term, but that's something I'll get into in the thesis), working class female to white, queer, academic transsexual male have been regulated through the organization of public space (namely, the bus, the bathroom, and the classroom), intimate relationships, family relationships, bureaucracy (financial institutions, university, etc.), and the medical/psychological establishments.
So needless to say, I've been spending hours pouring over my journals, reacquainting myself with ... well, myself.
And my GOD was I a whiny little bitch. Holy CRAP. It's completely embarassing to read through my entries from two or three or four years ago. It's interesting to see how I've matured, but it's been a painful process going back through old relationships, heart break, depression, happiness, confusion, and so forth. Definitely rewarding though.
Aside from doing that work, I've been tackling all of the due dates for my other courses over the past two weeks. I asked for extensions and used my time fairly wisely. I can feel such a difference between this year and the previous. Last year, I had a lesser course load but one extra job, and everything just seemed to be TOO much. I couldn't manage anything at all and I eventually just started to shut down. This year, I have approximately the same work load, if not more, and I just don't feel the pressure like I did last year. Mind you, quite a few things have changed: I've been on depression/anxiety medication for approximately a year now, I'm approximately six months into my physical transition, I'm out to my family and besides the frequent (but getting better!) mixup in name and pronoun, things are relatively stable on the home front. Well, my mom has never been and will never be stable, but this as close as it gets, I'll assume. I'm in a healthy (for the most part) and monogamous (jesus christ, i really DO have the ability to be committed) relationship. I have two seminars with kids who, for the most part, respect me and respond well to my attempts to get them to think.
I feel good. Things are good.
And dear god am I getting fuzzy. My stomach hair is coming in thicker and darker every day. I've got a cute little treasure trail going on. My jaw has squared off pretty well, and my facial hair is threatening. It's like wire-y peach fuzz... I have a handful of dark sideburn hairs on either side and about five goatee hairs (that I shave every three or four days to avoid looking like a dirt ball). I think my voice has settled into the lowest range that it's going to reach, which actually makes me feel a little sad. I kind of wish it would keep going... I think that was probably the most exciting part of my transition (so far, obviously). My hips are SLOWLY (oh dear god, so fucking slowly) repositioning and getting slimmer. I'm not sure if it's possible, but I think my actual hip bones are moving inwards, because when Megan does my shot (we trade off biweekly) she has to site each time because it's a little different every time. My shoulders have broadened out and I have muscles all across my back. I'm just generally in life stronger, I can grip something in my hands and squeeze and feel a huge difference in control. I can lift things with greater ease (such as Megan. I pride myself on being able to scoop her up and carry her around without breaking a sweat). I know, that's kind of hetero-sickening, eh? My leg hair is THICK. I can't really think of anything else... I'm noticing new hair patterns on the back of my hands and the hair on my forearms is darkening down a bit. I've always had hair on my feet, and it's getting thicker too. Uhm, as far as I can tell, my dick isn't getting any longer per se, but it's definitely getting wider/thicker. Again, too much information, sorry.
I'm not going to lie, there is a part of me that hesitates with every new hair. I get a little scared... I think it's just habit. I think there are still parts of me that function on internalized transphobia, and I'll get a new facial hair and a part of me will go into panic mode, like, oh fuck - what have i done? I have to pluck it out! People are going to think I'm a freak! And then I'll calm down and breathe and continue to stare at my self in the mirror... and then all of a sudden I can imagine myself with facial hair for REAL, instead of all those dreams and all those times when I went to stroke my goatee and there WASN'T one. I think a lot of the reaction is nervousness... like, this is a big thing in my life. This is almost like growing up. To me, growing facial hair is like that final and absolute marker of maleness for me, it's something I've always wanted and dreamed about, and now it's just SO CLOSE... So I wanted to acknowledge my feelings of hesitation or fear, because I think it's okay to feel that way. I often wonder if non-trans men feel any emotions over growing facial hair.
I've also noticed, since starting hormones, such a greater desire for some form of bottom surgery. This is completely new. I've never really felt that before, but over the past four or five months, I've felt it with a vengeance. I think I'm dealing with a broad array of emotions around not being able to get a hard on (well... I get hard ons all the time, what I mean is, there's a huge part of me that is angry about not being able to go through my teenage years and experience wet dreams and inopportune erections... I know, that sounds stupid and most non-trans men probably wish they could've escaped those moments... but I just wish, i really do wish I could feel whole in that way). I just wish that I could feel that part of my body in the way I want to.. I left a comment about this in a friend's journal, but I honestly just have this deep desire to be able to penetrate my partner and feel her from the inside. To be able to come inside of her and actually FEEL her pleasure... I know, this is probably too graphic. I don't really know how else to explain it. I think at this point I'm just trying to work through the anger and frustration about not having those abilities. I've never wanted children in my life, but now that I've reached a point in my life where there really is no possibility of fathering my own child (don't get me wrong, I don't mean to privilege those children whom are genetically related over those whom are adopted), of being able to continue my family tree and see what I could produce/create... I know, some transmen stop hormones to carry a child to term, but I dont see that happening at ALL in my life.
ANYways.
I doubt that I'll be having any form of bottom surgery for a LONG time, if at all. That's a major step that I'm no where near being emotionally, physically, or mentally ready to even consider.
So, aside from that, I can't really think of anything else to update about. Maybe in the next few weeks I'll take some pictures and post them for those of you that I haven' seen in a long time.
'Til then.