it's negative...
another negative pregnancy test, and still no period. i'm starting to think that i'm getting menopause pre-maturely. extremely pre-maturely! i've been doing all of my homework lately, and looked at my grade, it's almost up to a B!!! how fucking fantastic. i'm also looking for a job today, i can't wait till' i can start to make some fucking money. i wonder how well it will pay... hmmm... well, at least i can get a car, and a car is always good to sleep in, just in case i get kicked out, i can shower at my dad's house still i'm sure, all i have to do is make sure at least one of the windows is open at all times. last night i made sure i opened three of them, just so i could make sure i could get in.
Poor uncle dani. he's not doing so well, freakin' out, being new to the bar scene again. he'll get back in to the groove i'm sure. i know that if i ever need a place to stay i can always go to good ole' denver. just eleven bus tolkens away. and i know that if i went there, that i could get all the booze i could ever imagine, and all of the drugs i'd ever want, but i'm not sure if that's what i want. the drug world is extremely chaotic, and though chaos is a great comfort for me, it is also my greatest fear. i still don't quite understand myself, and i think that i really never will. mike understands me though, or at least he pretends to understand me. i know that if i got a job i could be somewhat sane. just somewhat.
last night i talked to mema, and i didn't want to... i don't know why i was so afraid to talk to family, probably because they all seemed to have higher expectations for me, and still do. they all probably expect something remarkable to happen. with all of the bad luck i've been having lately something good is bound to happen. times ten i hope. i hope it comes back just as good as it was bad. everying's SUPPOSED to balace out in the end right?? i'll have just as many good times as i've had bad. and that's the way of it right? i've come to the realization that whenever a really good thing comes along, however seamless it may seem that eventually the bottom will always drop out, and mike and i will be alone in the world again, with no drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes, no food, no home, and it's fuckin' freezing outside. it's strangely like Requium for a Dream. the summer was ny far the greatest time i have ever had, i got mike, i got plenty of anything i wanted, and everyone doted upon me. summer turned to fall and the life around me started to turn too; the drugs started to dissappear, friends started not to care, as did parents. and when fall turned to winter, everything got colder, metaphorically and otherwise. i gotta go...
Poor uncle dani. he's not doing so well, freakin' out, being new to the bar scene again. he'll get back in to the groove i'm sure. i know that if i ever need a place to stay i can always go to good ole' denver. just eleven bus tolkens away. and i know that if i went there, that i could get all the booze i could ever imagine, and all of the drugs i'd ever want, but i'm not sure if that's what i want. the drug world is extremely chaotic, and though chaos is a great comfort for me, it is also my greatest fear. i still don't quite understand myself, and i think that i really never will. mike understands me though, or at least he pretends to understand me. i know that if i got a job i could be somewhat sane. just somewhat.
last night i talked to mema, and i didn't want to... i don't know why i was so afraid to talk to family, probably because they all seemed to have higher expectations for me, and still do. they all probably expect something remarkable to happen. with all of the bad luck i've been having lately something good is bound to happen. times ten i hope. i hope it comes back just as good as it was bad. everying's SUPPOSED to balace out in the end right?? i'll have just as many good times as i've had bad. and that's the way of it right? i've come to the realization that whenever a really good thing comes along, however seamless it may seem that eventually the bottom will always drop out, and mike and i will be alone in the world again, with no drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes, no food, no home, and it's fuckin' freezing outside. it's strangely like Requium for a Dream. the summer was ny far the greatest time i have ever had, i got mike, i got plenty of anything i wanted, and everyone doted upon me. summer turned to fall and the life around me started to turn too; the drugs started to dissappear, friends started not to care, as did parents. and when fall turned to winter, everything got colder, metaphorically and otherwise. i gotta go...