Homosexuality and me
I've come to a relization today, one i've danced around for a long time now, but truly accepted today, and all it cost me was my gay identaty.
I truly and completly believe homosexuality is biological. i know i've been through the process i'm not stupid and i am very perceptive when i apply my will to be (which is usualy not done, and when not voiced), if there was a choice or somehow the need of 'learning' to be gay i would be straight. pure and simple that is it. Wether you believe in my abilities to identify this or not is up to you, i don't particularly care. When it comes down to it, the only thing seperating homosexuals and heterosexuals is a physical detail. That's it.
I am homosexual.
But what does that mean? That means my partner will have a penis, that's all, it stops there. It doesn't mean i wont have kids, it doesn't mean i prance around and have a lisp, or that my partner will (because he wont, i hate that). It doesn't mean i will or wont be witty, or that i can pick a killer outfit based on insticts. All that, what colors i like, wether or not i like sports, are me, they are details that make up the composition of David. My homosexuality is but a drop in the bucket, and frankly i consider it a rather inconsequential drop at that.
Although i kind of always knew i was gay, it wasn't until puberty started forcing me to recognize that i was attracted to men that i started dealing with this. It would be three years after i started recognizing the notion that i may be attracted to men that it would even occur to me to question wether or not i was attracted to women. I was raised to be straight, all my life in a hundred different ways the idea that man belonged with woman was shown to me, emphasised and reiterated in my daily life. I was raised to be straight, and the fact that i wasn't left me at a weird point. In this i adopted something of a gay identaty. Although it took a long time, and there was always a once in a great while i would stop and think "oh yeah, i'm gay" not that i had forgotten that i was attracted to men or thought i was to women, but merely i forgot that it was considered different. This is the seed that was probably the ultimate cause of breeding my current revalation.
somewhere i learned to adopt the gay identaty, it was unatrual to me though, it took a while to really get in place and even then i was constantly fighting with it. It seemed to me to hold a gay identaty you must hold yourself apart from the heterosexual community, to group you and all other homosexual as one, in my mind when this happened certain stereotypes clicked in. by acknowledging being different in such a way i then alowed the possibility that homosexuals would have comon traits, to some degree or another that would run along the lines of the stereotype. Had this not bothered me maybe i would now be an echo of what sean is, but as it is this flew in the face of who i am. perhaps i'm a bit redneck, perhaps i hold some ignorant ideas on how men should be men, and so the idea of the broken wrist homosexual would of course scream out as wrong to what is me. perhaps it just goes against who i am as the opposite end of the spectrum, and therefore wrong to my nature. I'm not sure. Either way this made me uncomfortable and it made it difficult to settle into the gay indentaty.
latly i've had flashes of times where my perception had completly changed, homosexuality became what it in part (but not wholly) is, a fetish. Something that one gets off on sexually. In those instances the idea of being gay became equated with that of any other fetish, and since none that come to mind are in anyway socially acceptable or something i want associated with homosexuality i wont provide any comparesions. This of course didn't sit quite well with me either, it's more than a fetish, i knew this but instead of pursuing this thought i would just shove the whole thing to the side and re-adopt the gay indentaty. but today i didnt, i followed and have found my peace.
In a way homosexuality really is only a fetish, but the same can be said for heterosexuality for the same reasons. It's a sexual attraction, nothing more. But in that attraction enters the possibility of a relationship, sharing yourself with someone else on a level that none else will share (not to say someone cannot be as close to someone without having a romantic relationship, it's just that a relationship of the type would be in a whole nother field of exsistance and hardly comparable to that of a romantic kind). It's in this that sepereates homosexuality from beastiality of pedophilia just as this is what seperates heterosexuality from those things. Really the only difference in the two is how the if then statement reads,
Homo: if male then mate = male, if woman than mate = woman,
hetero: if male then mate = woman, if woman then mate = male.
Relizing this, accepting this crushes the gay identaty for me (and thus liberating me of any compultions i may feel to be more 'gay' than i actualy am, or masculine, for that matter), i'm just the same as anyone else, just one more face in a crowd-and for the first time in my life i feel like i'm really starting to be the person that i am, instead of someone of societies construct.
I truly and completly believe homosexuality is biological. i know i've been through the process i'm not stupid and i am very perceptive when i apply my will to be (which is usualy not done, and when not voiced), if there was a choice or somehow the need of 'learning' to be gay i would be straight. pure and simple that is it. Wether you believe in my abilities to identify this or not is up to you, i don't particularly care. When it comes down to it, the only thing seperating homosexuals and heterosexuals is a physical detail. That's it.
I am homosexual.
But what does that mean? That means my partner will have a penis, that's all, it stops there. It doesn't mean i wont have kids, it doesn't mean i prance around and have a lisp, or that my partner will (because he wont, i hate that). It doesn't mean i will or wont be witty, or that i can pick a killer outfit based on insticts. All that, what colors i like, wether or not i like sports, are me, they are details that make up the composition of David. My homosexuality is but a drop in the bucket, and frankly i consider it a rather inconsequential drop at that.
Although i kind of always knew i was gay, it wasn't until puberty started forcing me to recognize that i was attracted to men that i started dealing with this. It would be three years after i started recognizing the notion that i may be attracted to men that it would even occur to me to question wether or not i was attracted to women. I was raised to be straight, all my life in a hundred different ways the idea that man belonged with woman was shown to me, emphasised and reiterated in my daily life. I was raised to be straight, and the fact that i wasn't left me at a weird point. In this i adopted something of a gay identaty. Although it took a long time, and there was always a once in a great while i would stop and think "oh yeah, i'm gay" not that i had forgotten that i was attracted to men or thought i was to women, but merely i forgot that it was considered different. This is the seed that was probably the ultimate cause of breeding my current revalation.
somewhere i learned to adopt the gay identaty, it was unatrual to me though, it took a while to really get in place and even then i was constantly fighting with it. It seemed to me to hold a gay identaty you must hold yourself apart from the heterosexual community, to group you and all other homosexual as one, in my mind when this happened certain stereotypes clicked in. by acknowledging being different in such a way i then alowed the possibility that homosexuals would have comon traits, to some degree or another that would run along the lines of the stereotype. Had this not bothered me maybe i would now be an echo of what sean is, but as it is this flew in the face of who i am. perhaps i'm a bit redneck, perhaps i hold some ignorant ideas on how men should be men, and so the idea of the broken wrist homosexual would of course scream out as wrong to what is me. perhaps it just goes against who i am as the opposite end of the spectrum, and therefore wrong to my nature. I'm not sure. Either way this made me uncomfortable and it made it difficult to settle into the gay indentaty.
latly i've had flashes of times where my perception had completly changed, homosexuality became what it in part (but not wholly) is, a fetish. Something that one gets off on sexually. In those instances the idea of being gay became equated with that of any other fetish, and since none that come to mind are in anyway socially acceptable or something i want associated with homosexuality i wont provide any comparesions. This of course didn't sit quite well with me either, it's more than a fetish, i knew this but instead of pursuing this thought i would just shove the whole thing to the side and re-adopt the gay indentaty. but today i didnt, i followed and have found my peace.
In a way homosexuality really is only a fetish, but the same can be said for heterosexuality for the same reasons. It's a sexual attraction, nothing more. But in that attraction enters the possibility of a relationship, sharing yourself with someone else on a level that none else will share (not to say someone cannot be as close to someone without having a romantic relationship, it's just that a relationship of the type would be in a whole nother field of exsistance and hardly comparable to that of a romantic kind). It's in this that sepereates homosexuality from beastiality of pedophilia just as this is what seperates heterosexuality from those things. Really the only difference in the two is how the if then statement reads,
Homo: if male then mate = male, if woman than mate = woman,
hetero: if male then mate = woman, if woman then mate = male.
Relizing this, accepting this crushes the gay identaty for me (and thus liberating me of any compultions i may feel to be more 'gay' than i actualy am, or masculine, for that matter), i'm just the same as anyone else, just one more face in a crowd-and for the first time in my life i feel like i'm really starting to be the person that i am, instead of someone of societies construct.