first update in forever.
I am updating for the first time in months because i have a lot of shit on my mind that i just feel like writing.
first of all, i need a new hobby and need to get my mind off of alcohol. all do is drink, all i wna do is drink, all i spend my money on is drinking, all together my life revolves around drinking. its ruined and continues to ruin certain relationships i have with people. its not just a teenage hey lets get drunk and party thing. its an every night thing. ive gone 1 night this whole month pretty much without drinking, and that 1 night i was up all night with mightmares, i was hallucinating and couldnt breathe and thats not even 1 bit of an exaggeration, maybe an understatement. i dread going to bed at night if im not drunk which is another thing that is on my mind. i think too much, and about scary shit. even if i have 2 beers before bed, i can still atleast sleep better than if i have nothing at all.
second of all, i really need a counselour, someone to give me a fucking perscription. the thoughts that run through my head are absolutely ridiculous and not normal. every night before i go to bed if im not fucked up i think of the worst things you could possibly think of and give myself anxiety attacks. i run around my room like an idiot fanning myself off talking to myself just so the thoughts will stop. im 18 years old and have to sleep in bed with my sister just so im not alone at night, which doesnt even help because i still think of shit anyway. if i just got some type of perscription, something for anxiety or depression or something, i probably will be happy on my own, and not have to drink so much...but noone will put me on anything because i drink so much...but maybe i wouldnt if i had something ? IM SO CONFUSED
third of all i hate drastic life changes. shit fucks me up. i dont want to grow up and get old, i dont want to die. i dont want to support my own life. i cant imagine anything but the life i have now; coming home everynight fucked up whenever i want , living with my little sister in our parents house, spending money on nothing but my own needs. i live in the moment way too much , i cant imagine ever having to make my own life , being married or having kids...or even being responsible.
but the bottom line of all of this is... my life is too good. i love life so much its the reason im scared of anything changing. is it possible to be so happy with your life, it makes you depressed? i never thought it was possible but i proved to myself it is.
i feel like soon im going to break and everything is going to come crashing down around me.
i'm fucked up.
first of all, i need a new hobby and need to get my mind off of alcohol. all do is drink, all i wna do is drink, all i spend my money on is drinking, all together my life revolves around drinking. its ruined and continues to ruin certain relationships i have with people. its not just a teenage hey lets get drunk and party thing. its an every night thing. ive gone 1 night this whole month pretty much without drinking, and that 1 night i was up all night with mightmares, i was hallucinating and couldnt breathe and thats not even 1 bit of an exaggeration, maybe an understatement. i dread going to bed at night if im not drunk which is another thing that is on my mind. i think too much, and about scary shit. even if i have 2 beers before bed, i can still atleast sleep better than if i have nothing at all.
second of all, i really need a counselour, someone to give me a fucking perscription. the thoughts that run through my head are absolutely ridiculous and not normal. every night before i go to bed if im not fucked up i think of the worst things you could possibly think of and give myself anxiety attacks. i run around my room like an idiot fanning myself off talking to myself just so the thoughts will stop. im 18 years old and have to sleep in bed with my sister just so im not alone at night, which doesnt even help because i still think of shit anyway. if i just got some type of perscription, something for anxiety or depression or something, i probably will be happy on my own, and not have to drink so much...but noone will put me on anything because i drink so much...but maybe i wouldnt if i had something ? IM SO CONFUSED
third of all i hate drastic life changes. shit fucks me up. i dont want to grow up and get old, i dont want to die. i dont want to support my own life. i cant imagine anything but the life i have now; coming home everynight fucked up whenever i want , living with my little sister in our parents house, spending money on nothing but my own needs. i live in the moment way too much , i cant imagine ever having to make my own life , being married or having kids...or even being responsible.
but the bottom line of all of this is... my life is too good. i love life so much its the reason im scared of anything changing. is it possible to be so happy with your life, it makes you depressed? i never thought it was possible but i proved to myself it is.
i feel like soon im going to break and everything is going to come crashing down around me.
i'm fucked up.