Nov 23, 2008 21:57
Dear Andrew,
I don’t really know why I am writing this or what I am going to say or what it is going to accomplish, if anything but I just feel as if I need to get everything off my chest about how I am feeling. I am apologizing in advance for bringing this up and sending this to you or for complicating your life and our friendship more than it needs to be, but I cannot hold all this in anymore. Every day I hold it in, I act as if the feelings I have for you don’t exist but they do. And I don’t know if you are just oblivious and if you don’t catch the bite to my words or the edge to my sarcasm, but I think you do and I think you ignore it. I can’t be sure but that is what it feels like sometimes. Sometimes I just feel as if you ignore my feelings to protect your ego. I just don’t understand you, you know I like you but it seems like while you aren’t really returning the feeling, you would be really bothered if I didn’t like you. I don’t know but that is how it seems Andrew. And I hate to tell you this, but it hurts me. It hurts me not to know how you feel and to feel the way I do about you, it isn’t fair. And I bite my tongue every single day because I know you don’t want to hear it, you don’t want me to bring it up so I don’t but the truth is I put on a good show, or at least I try, but Andrew it is eating me up inside. You said maybe something would change when you saw me, that you needed to see me before you really know how you felt, but you saw me and never said anything. So yet again I sit here having no clue how you feel. Maybe you still don’t know but I hate this waiting to know, this unsure feeling, it kills me, it scares me, it leaves me questioning things. And lately you seem like something is different, you aren’t as careful with your words as you used to, or maybe I am just reading into what you say too much, I am not really sure. But sometimes I think maybe your feelings have changed and you just haven’t said anything because you don’t feel it is the right time, I really don’t know. But you send me a lot of mixed signals, whether you know it or not. And the other day when I asked you if you ever thought about it, about us, you said you did. But maybe you didn’t get the subtext behind me question, my question wasn’t do you ever still consider it, the question was do you ever see it actually happening, maybe? I don’t know but I know that I want to be with you, maybe that sounds ridiculous but it is true. Eventually, not now even, but eventually. Andrew, even after all this time, and all this insecurity, I am still convinced that if you were with anyone else, I wouldn’t be able to take it. It would kill me, I swear. You mean so much to me. Maybe I am selfish but it has been over 4 months of the go around and I can’t take it anymore. I mean, I know you don’t want a relationship right now, and I UNDERSTAND that completely, that’s not what I am asking from you. Like you said the other day, I am in no state to be in a relationship right now. I also understand that fully. But there are things I don’t understand, like why you can’t even date me without being sure that you are going to marry me, isn’t that the purpose of dating or courting or whatever, to find out if that’s the person you are supposed to marry? I just don’t understand your logic entirely. But the thing is if you do like me, which I don’t know, I really have not a clue and I am guessing you prob. Don’t but I don’t know, it is just that if you do, I don’t understand why we can’t just come to some sort of agreement. I guess now I am getting ahead of myself but I am writing this email to get EVERYTHING out so I am going to as crazy as it may portray me or not. Anyhow it’s just this, I am in no state to be in a relationship right now, and you want to wait to date, but it’s like you ARE the one that I want to be with when I am ready to date which either one of us may not be ready for quite a while, but my point is, I am ok with waiting. I would be totally and completely content with waiting to date you, just knowing that in time and with prayer we will at least give a relationship a try SOMEDAY would be enough. But this not knowing, I can’t do it anymore. It is killing me and I don’t want to be cranky every time I talk to you now just because I am too unsure of anything to say anything and then make myself miserable, I want to be content. Either way, no matter how you feel, I am still going to change and grow, and I am still quite determined to live my life serving Jesus in the ministry, but I need to know. I am sorry for this added stress and this complication on your life. I need you to not be afraid to hurt me if you don’t feel the same. That’s what I need. I am sorry for being this blunt but I have to. I can’t hold it in anymore.
-Christina