Meta! Rambling! Angel!
Over the last few months, I've been rewatching BtVS and AtS, and during S3 of BtVS some things began to make sense to me that hadn't before. This stuff has kinda been brewing for a long time, and it all just burped on the page, so it might not really be an essay or great meta or whatever. I'm going for three things, here:
1. To explain some things about the character of Angel to myself which might've long been obvious to you.
2. To present a cohesive way of looking at the character. There are some threads which tie together or parallel that I didn't notice before, which present a major theme for the character: he always thinks he can get something, and that he needs outside forces to motivate him to act. I'm not sure I really believe this "theme" or theory or what have you, but it's a way of looking at the character. I'm interested in the flaws of the theory as well as the ways in which it fits.
3. To take Angel down a notch or two. Because I do love the character so much, I'm interested in seeing him for what he really is rather than some fangirl construct. The viewpoint above is a slightly less exalted view than I normally take of the character, which is I guess why I think it's interesting.
This is about Angel pre-AtS. I have some ideas about how this way of looking at the character plays out in his own series, but I'll write that up another time. I also have this really weird Angel and Xander meta I need to write which connects to this, but gah, this is long. So, here it is, a view of Angel from Liam to the end of BtVS S3.
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PREFACE: Definition of "soul" in Buffyverse
I can't say what I want about Angel without explaining that I think Liam and Angelus and Angel are the same person. Many feel the same (a2zmom has great meta about it here); others feel that Angelus is a separate demon entity or that Angel's soul is not Liam's soul. But I think that Liam has the potential to be both Angel and Angelus within him. He has the power to be greatly evil and greatly good (respectively, of course, though how much good Angel actually achieves is a debatable point. But the material effect isn't so important here as the midset: Liam has the potential to be someone who sacrifices himself for others and tries to save the world a lot. And I'm going to be using the idea of Angel's potentiality for "good" in just that way. It's actually a potentiality for the Jossverse definition of "heroism"--doing right for right's sake without selfish motives. Or in the end it's a potentiality for Angel's definition of greatness--which for him is self-sacrifice. This is mostly material for another meta, though).
Most of that potentiality existed subconsciously. Most of that which was consciously evil would have been dismissed by Liam instinctively as immoral, indecent, and unnatural. A select few of those things, Liam acted on: sleeping around, alcoholism, shiftlessness. Along the same vein, that which was consciously good would have been dismissed as too much work, and almost as unnatural--it's not really an everyday thing to devote yourself to self-sacrifice and world saveage, to make that the purpose of your life. Some people try, but more people want to be painters. A select few good things he would act on: probably was nice to his sister, stuff like that. Out of the whole range of evil and good, most people operate in the middle. Liam may've fallen a little short of the "good" half of the spectrum, but I doubt he ever did anything terribly evil; I doubt he wanted to; I doubt he knew the evil of which he was capable.
When you get vamped in Buffyverse, I think two things happen. You get the demon aspect--vamp face, superstrength, bloodlust, maybe a few other things, but the aspect doesn't fundamentally alter who you are. You also lose your soul (someone did a great meta on the soul in Buffyverse in which these two changes are explained and related to Liam/Angel/Angelus. I don't know where it is or who wrote it!). I read the soul in Jossverse as a sense of morality, basic human decency, and an ability to feel remorse/guilt. With those things removed, the barriers between the evil you do and the evil you are capable of seem to collapse.
I always think about a story my mom told me once when thinking about the souled/soulless thing: she was holding my brother, who was a baby then, walking on the second floor of the mall. She got the sudden idea that she could just fling the baby over the railing down to the first floor. The idea scared her so much she hugged the wall all the way down and out and had a freak-out back home. My mom wasn't tempted. She didn't have to fight with herself not to kill my brother. She was shocked and horrified and sickened by this thought of what she coulddo that had flitted up from her subconscious. She never, in a million years, would've done that. Her vampire self might've. The instinctive horror hard upon the heels of a thought like that is removed with a soul, from what I've seen of Buffyverse, and the remorse that would normally follow if the action is carried out is gone, too.
However, a vampire can still feel love. Spike (and to a lesser extent, the rest of the Fanged Four, and some minor characters like John and Elizabeth) proves that. I view Spike/Buffy as an exercise in what love is: can it exist without morality, without basic human decency, without respect for fellow man, without remorse for actions taken? What is left after those things are gone? What is love, is it enough to make up for the lack of those things given time, is there that a spark of divinity in love? Shouldn't such love be selfish and destructive, but isn't love always to some extent selfish, where is the line between selflessness and selfishness that turns love into destruction and hate? Is love different for different people, is some people's love without that spark that might make it enough to overcome, and does that mean there are lesser kinds of love, or are the people who love that way lesser, or are we all capable of such a love that even with everything else good in us gone if we try hard enough we can exist without destroying the object of that love? So, I don't know the answer to the question whether Vamp!TKMom would through Baby!TKBrother1 over the rail, but I do think that instead of instinctively recoiling from the idea, she would have considered it, might've done it. Afterwards, she might miss him, but then again she might not feel bad about it. If she did decide that she wanted him to stick around, she's probably just as likely to vamp him (as Spike vamped his mother) as let him live, and so on.
The point is it's the nature of the living man that determines what that evil will be. Vamped, the things inside you (the "soul") which instinctively dismissed evil thoughts and impulses are gone, and you're more likely to act on them. Some vampires like turning their lovers; others like tormenting them. The nature of the living man also determines how far that evil will go: in acting on conscious evil thoughts, you open up new vistas; you mine the subconscious and tap the entire potential for evil within you. For some it's deeper than others: it doesn't occur to Darla as it does to Angelus to crystallize forever Dru's torment by turning her (AtS,). And the nature of the living man also determines how that evil will be executed: some are stupid and careless and ineffectual, others are meticulous and perfectionist and world-threatening.
PART ONE: Liam
Of Liam we actually pretty much see a tavern scene ("Becoming Part One" BtVS, S2x21) and some arguments with his father ("The Prodigal", AtS S1x15). From both we conclude that Liam was pretty much a deadbeat, but the reasons for his deadbeatliness are unclear.
Of course there's thousands of explanations and now I think we'll probably never know which one or several it was. Maybe he wanted to be a deadbeat; he was unambitious, never thought about who he was or who he would be, just lived from meal to meal and woman to woman. I think the reason I always used to think that this was how Liam was is it's such a different picture from Angel. Angel seems really self-aware and goal oriented (always striving toward something, which I'll go into more later). I liked that difference, myLiam being vastly "inferior" to myAngel, just as I like myAngelus vastly more evil than Angel. That way, the dichotomies highlight just what failings (shown in both Liam and Angelus) Angel has to overcome inside himself in order to be the guy he is. And that made who Angel becomes seem more heroic and strong-willed to me. Since I kind of put Angel on a pedastal sometimes, that was the explanation I went with.
But anyway, because myLiam's lack of ambition was so different from Angel (and Angelus), the idea now seems faulty to me, especially since I think the quality of being ambitious isn't something that would change souled or soulless (the direction of the ambition would change quite a bit, of course). That, that quality of being ambitious, would in fact be very important in determining the nature of a vampire--part of the difference between Angelus and the vamp Darla tries to get to turn her ("The Trial", AtS S2x9). Someone who wanted a lot out of life would want a lot out of death. So since I realized that, I've adopted a2zmom'sLiam, who had all kinds of ambition. I think Liam wanted to Become Someone. That is, his goal wasn't to be rich, or the best merchant ever, or a saint, or a farmer with a family and a dog. He wanted to achieve greatness. a2zmom'sLiam wanted to be a painter. I like that at idea, because it's more neutral than him wanting to be a saint or an evil mastermind, but it still speaks to me of greatness.
Now, there's also thousands of explanations as to why Liam didn't appear to be moving towards this ambition in the few flashbacks in which we see him. One reason is probably his father. In the two scenes in which we see Liam's dad, he's telling Liam Liam's no good. It's possible Liam's suffered abuse like that since he was small, even before he deserved it. It's also possible that before Liam got so damn big there was physical abuse (excellently portrayed in this drabble by lostakasha). It's also possible that the values/viewpoints of the town he lived in were stifling. Both his father and his peers might've scoffed at the idea of painting for a living, and discouraged him from it. While I doubt the whole village specifically made it clear to him he'd never make anything of himself, I do think they'd in general expect him to follow in his father's footsteps, settle down, be a normal Joe.
My theory about what turned Liam into the slouch he appears to be in the flashbacks is that he never tried. He let himself get beat down and stayed there, feeling sorry for himself, seeking pleasure instead of fighting back. Angel says in "Amends" (BtVS S3x10), "I was young. I never had a chance to..." He doesn't get to finish, but maybe he's talking about Liam's ambitions--or ambitions Angel knows he should have had. Either way, he's making excuses, the way I see it. He wasn't that young. He was old enough and big enough to stand up to his father. He could have left town, gone to Europe, Paris, Rome, where all the big things were happening. Don't get me wrong. I understand that at that time and possibly in Liam's particular circumstances, doing those things might have been extremely difficult. It wasn't as easy back in the day to make your way on your own, to cut yourself off, to establish yourself somewhere new. Also, child abuse can have long term psychological effect. Some people move past it and become successful, but not all. And we have no idea how severe Liam's father was. But my take on this is that Liam's father wasn't exactly atypical for the era. Other people of the age did come from horrible beginnings, and also provincial beginnings, and also both, to be great people and do great things.
The way I choose to view Liam's situation is that things were hard, and Angel will always have Daddy Issues, but that it was primarily Liam himself holding himself back. Sure, he wanted to do something great, paint maybe. As I've said, he certainly has the potential, and he believes that, or even maybe senses it. But his believing he's special is his biggest drawback of all: his biggest fear was trying and failing, of finding out everything his father said was true, that he's not special at all. If he did make the effort and failed, his father and his peers would only laugh at him. He didn't want try something for nothing. What he wanted, I think, was someone or something that could prove he has all the potential he secretly suspects he has, someone who tells him he is special, or something that assures him his efforts won't be for naught. So all that while, I think he was waiting for a big break, for fate to fall in his lap, and when it didn't, he began to believe the world was against him. He began to believe that he never could get a chance because no one would ever give it to him. He was a child, stamping his foot and saying, "It's not fair!" He would end up and old and wasted saying things like, "I never had a chance"; I could've been great if other people had let me. He didn't want to work at being the man he could be. He wanted someone else to do it for him.
Hello, Darla.
PART TWO: Angelus
I always thought it interesting that a point was made of Angel not liking the rich, classy girls of his era, and then to have him be so obviously drawn to Darla in that alley--so obviously rich and classy. What Liam was drawn to was the dichotomy of course: rich classy girl in dirty ill-reputed alley. And of course, when she said she'd show him the world, she was his big break, fate falling in his . . . neck.
I don't think Liam ever wanted to be one of the most evil murderer/rapists that ever pillaged and burned kind of great. Nor did he want to be a self-sacrificing guy who tries to save the world a lot kind of great. As I said above, a lot of our potentiality for both good and evil is subconscious, and those thoughts that do occur consciously are often instinctively dismissed. As opposed to what we are capable of on our personal spectrums of good and evil, the things we actually consider acting on, much less act on, tend to be middle of the road.
However, vamped, Liam becomes aware of his potentiality for evil, and fulfills it. In a way, he fulfills the ambitions he had as a human, too. He doesn't become a painter, but I would imagine that when he realizes the true evil of which he is really capable, Liam/Angelus realizes he's actually more talented at that than art. Torment was like an art to him, he was a perfectionist about it. He'd never be a better artist than the true greats, but he sure could torment better than anyone else, according to the Watcher's Guides: In "Just Rewards" (AtS S5x2) Angel is the "worst vampire recorded". This way he achieved "greatness", really became someone. A lot of his faults as a human: shiftlessness, laziness, inability to act, to lead his own life, have been overcome. He goes from waiting for fate to hand thim a written invitation to becoming--excuse the phrasing--like unto fate itself. He became all he could be. No wonder he threw it back in his father's face: "You said I’d never amount to anything. Well, you were wrong." (Angel morphs into vamp face.) "You see, father? I have made somethingout of myself, after all" ("The Prodigal").
But the Daddy Issue is important here because I don't think it was just the loss of his soul, just being vamped, that helped Liam fulfill his potential. It was Darla herself. The first time I saw them, I felt the flashbacks in episodes like "The Prodigal", "Five By Five" (AtS S1x18), "Dear Boy" (AtS S2x5) and "Darla" (AtS S2x7) were a bit contrived. They showed Angelus and Darla as a team when we hadn't seen that at all before. In other flashbacks, such as "Amends" (BtVS S3.10) and "Sonambulist," (AtS S1x11) Angelus was portrayed as doing his evil deeds independently of her. The flashbacks were open-ended enough that ME never contridicted themselves (that's a small miracle) in showing that Darla was a larger element in Angel's life than we had previously been left to believe, but it seemed obvious to me they were showing that because they had decided to bring Darla back in S2. I especially felt the scene in which Darla picks out Drusilla for Angelus in "Dear Boy" smelled of retcon, as Angelus seemed a bit surprised by Drusilla being there in the Aus/Dru scene in "Becoming Part One". So I think that on first viewing I was kind of dismissive of Darla's influence over Angelus. While "Becoming" highlights the fact that both Buffy and Darla created Angel/us and set him on his path, I read it more as once the lightbulb (in the form of seeing Buffy for the first time, and getting vamped by Darla) popped on overhead, Angel made his own way from there.
Now, I think that Darla was far more instrumental in forming who Angelus became. It's obvious that her instruction showed him the way to draw out tormenting others, as "The Prodigal" shows. Her encouragement was something Liam needed, the something he never got from his father, or probably his peers. Not only that, Darla was a big believer in her fundamental superiority, in her godliness among humans. This would've really appealed to Angelus, because she would've had faith in his secret ambitions of greatness, would've been the proof he needed that great effort was woth the time. She tells him he's special; she's the person holding him by the hand. Because no one had ever done that before, he was reluctant to try, for fear he might fail and come up short-handed. If only someone had encouraged him, if only someone had given him a chance. Darla did and behold the "success".
Darla didn't make Angelus everything he was, as Spike accuses Angel of making him. She "opened the door, and let the real [him] out" ("Destiny" (AtS S5x8). Angelus exceeded Darla. But her shock at how far he goes, how much he exceeds her epectations, how impressed she is with him: these are exactly what Liam thought he needed to be the man he wanted/thought he could be. Without of her, Angelus still would've been a mean, nasty vampire. But I doubt he would've tried as hard to be as evil as possible, doubt he would have been so incredibly artistic and exacting about it, doubt he would've succeeded in becoming truly great. That look on Darla's face, when Angelus told her he wanted to make Drusilla's torment eternal--Darla's shock, horror, and almost awe--that's what he lived for. Or, you know, died for.
PART THREE: Angel, pre-1996
A gypsy and some thigh-biting and a curse later, Angel finds Evil Greatness is not so easy any more because of that soul thing. It's a conflict he never would have felt as a human, because as I said before, Liam rarely was consciously aware of the evil of which he was capable, and when he did consciously think of it his soul most of the time naturally rejected it, without so much as a blip on the radar. But now, re-ensouled, that evil is a constant thought in his mind. And Angel remembers what Angelus was like: free to act on his every whim, in control of his own fate, great.
Now, he is nothing. He is lost, and it's no wonder that he clings to the one person who showed him the way before. What he wants from Darla now, I think, is comfort, someone to feel sorry for him, someone to tell him he is special and too bad no one gave him a chance, to bad that big mean nasty world is against him, because she knows for a fact he's greatness personified when someone lets him be.
Failing with her, it's no surprise that he makes no effort to make something else of his life. If he has ambition at all, it's the exact opposite of greatness. It's the middle of the road, to be what Liam was when Liam was busy not caring about anything, to be shiftless and lazy, unable to act, to lead his own life. He'd been a failure then but at least he hadn't hurt anyone (as he had when he was such a success), at least he had been human.
I had once thought that Angel's ambition now would be to do good, to be a hero. But I don't think at this point that those things would ever occur to him, just as it had never occured to him before Darla to fulfill his potential for evil. And even if it did occur to him, I doubt he'd think real heroism worth the effort. I think it was a2zmom (no surprise there) who told me once that before Buffy, Angel had never considered redemption possible, and now I totally agree with her. Again, Angel didn't want to try something for nothing. The only thing he thought he was "special" for was evil, and he was prepared to accept that truth because he was too much of a loser to take the chance himself, and there was no one to show him otherwise, who'll assure him his efforts won't be for naught. So he sits around feeling sorry for himself, a person who has ended up saying things like, "I never had a chance"; I could've been great if other people had let me, and he has an excuse, now. He has reason to believe "it's not fair", and the world is against him. He made a last ditch effort with Darla at being the man he could be, and he failed miserably. All he thinks he can be now is nothing. There's no one to give him a chance.
Hello, Judy ("Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been", AtS S2x2), various, and sundry. Judy draws Angel into her world--it's important here that she seeks him, not the other way around. When Judy turns to him, Angel thinks someone has singled him out (yay! he's special! Angel needs to be told that so much). Judy is giving him a chance, and according to my interpretation, he doesn't see it as a chance for him to be a hero, but to be Liam again. Angel's been busy making as little of an impression on the world as Liam ever did, but he doesn't get to do it with the relative comfort and company Liam did. To have that warm tavern glow--enough to eat, people to talk to, a place to stay, without being concerned about the fate of the world or dying to save it, to live firmly in the middle of the spectrum between good and evil, as most people do--that's his great ambition. I think he thinks that helping Judy and the people at the Hyperion will get him something from them; he's not doing it because it's right but because he wants to be liked and accepted.
So it's no wonder when they lynch him that he gives up on them. He realizes that he'll never get anything back from these particular humans, so he doesn't bother. And I think that's always how he operates--he's always out to get something, won't do something for nothing. While no doubt Angel occasionally did good samaritainy things like save puppies and help his landlady with her garbage, I doubt greater good ever occured to him unless someone accosted him with their problems, which to him was someone giving him a chance. And once that chance to be loved and accepted and comfortable again was gone in his eyes, he gave up.
I bet it happened more often than with Judy and the government ("Why We Fight", AtS S5x13.) Big, mysterious, strangely otherworldly guy like him, bet he was getting people like Judy fairly often, or at least every few years or so. But Angel looks surprised when Judy forsakes him, which is pretty stupid of him considering she was under the influence of the Thessulac demon. But consider: Liam secretly believed he was special, but no one ever gave him a chance to be so. When Darla told him he was, he became an immediate success. I think some part of him still secretly believes he could be someone great, so when someone gives him a chance, it shocks him every time he fails. But instead of just getting back on the horse, he sulks. In AtS he proves that it is possible to make a life for himself, to run a business, to function in the human world and have human friends, but because he's unwilling to try anything on his own, Angel completely fails to fulfill his only ambition now: comfort, company, warmth. He convinces himself it's not him, it's fate, it's not fair, it's that the world is against him. So someone else comes along to give him a chance, and he's totally Fate's bitch again. It got to be a kind of routine with him, is my guess.
After he drank that diner guy, I bet less so. He got all dirty and stuff, and how many times do you run to a bum? Plus he was even more convinced no one would ever give him a chance, because he finally convinced himself he didn't deserve one. He'd hit the very bottom, further than Liam had ever fallen, far enough to almost believe that he's not special, that the world isn't so much against him as he's a great big old loser, that if someone gave him a chance to be great he'd just fail at in anyway. Which is why the first person to suggest otherwise gets willing ears, eager faith, and willing obedience, because no one wants to believe that kind of thing about himself.
Hello, Whistler.
PART FOUR: Angel, 1996 - BtVS Season One
Whistler is of course just the weird suit color requisite to make Buffy be Darla. Not that with a funny hat Buffy would look like Darla, but they try. No, I mean, Whistler is the vehicle (probably literally!) to get Angel to Buffy. I wonder if Angel had just happened to see Buffy getting called because he lived in L.A. or some such, whether he'd've gone the same way. No, I bet it takes this skeevy guy appearing out of nowhere, being all mysterious, the very miracle and mystery of it functioning as proof that Angel is special, Angel's efforts won't be for naught. Because Whistler hints Angel can Be Somebody; Whistler gives Angel his chance in the form of Buffy.
And I used to think, when Angel first saw Buffy, that he snapped that chance up, and began from that moment to be everything he could be on the side of good. I always thought he saw her and it was a BAM!, good now, just like I thought Darla is pretty much a BAM!, evil now. But over this last re-watching I decided Darla had more influence over time really influencing Angel to be the greatest of evil, and I've decided it takes a longer time with Angel, too. For one thing, he doesn't even get the kind of encouragement and hand holding Darla gave him from the start with Buffy; he just looks from afar. I think that the combined whammy of Whistler and Buffy, at this point, functions much more in the capacity of a Judy.
Whistler is giving Angel a chance, and Buffy is giving him incentive. He's still not jonesing to be a hero. He's hoping to get some smiles and pats on the back from Buffy, maybe her friendship. (Later, when he figures out he turns her on, he's hoping to get her love, and still later than that, he starts to think he can get even more, but that's another Angel). While I'm sure that Angel is completely convinced that he has a chance this time, he's going to succeed this time, he's special, to anyone watching--PsTB, us--there's really no more indication that he'll Become Someone in these circumstances than when he helped people like Judy. That is, he's not completely fulfilling his potentiality for "good" . He hasn't Become Someone; this isn't Greatness. (Again, "good" and "greatness" in this instance might be closer to the terms "heroism", or perhaps "self-sacrifice".)
There are several reasons I read it that way. One is that he's too chicken shit to help Buffy face the Master in WTTH and Harvest (BtVS S1x1-2). Another is he knows being with Buffy is bad for Buffy, but he kisses her anyway. He does manage to stay away for a bit when he says "I gotta walk away" ("Angel", BtVS S1x7) but in the meantime he gets involved with Giles and her friends, and isn't very careful about not bumping into her in "Prophecy Girl" (BtVS S1x12). Sure, I'm being harsh, but this inability to do what he thinks is right for Buffy (regardless of what is really right for her) is a theme which will return and explain a lot of S2-3, imo, and it says something about what his goals are S1. He's not trying to do what he thinks is right; he's trying to feel good and accepted and maybe loved.
He does kill Darla, which to me signifies he might be moving toward fulfilling his potential in the opposite direction in which Darla had led him, but there's a really big moment in S1 that highlights for me the fact that Angel isn't completely committed to that goal yet. That moment is in "Prophecy Girl": Buffy hears she's going to die; she gives up, and then . . .Angel gives up, too. Okay, so he doesn't say, "I give up"; he says, "we gotta figure out a way...". But Buffy throws his necklace on the ground; she rejects him. And what does he go do? Does it really look like he's figuring out a way? He's hanging out in his apartment, brooding. By IWRY Angel's ready to go out and slit his own throat with a Mohra demon's sword on the drop of a hat. Not this Angel. Sacrificing himself won't get him anything; he knows he can't win against the Master and so doesn't see the point in trying (again, he's not about something for nothing). What he really needs right about then is someone to come take his hand, tell him he's special, give him a chance.
Hello,--what the fuck? Xander?
Yeah, Xander. Xander goes to Angel and tells Angel Buffy's gone to face the Master. And what does Angel do? Bolt to his feet and run down to the Master to save her? Maybe he's thinking very quickly, planning very quickly how to save her, but I ain't seein' any very quickly walking or very quickly Buffy-saveage. I see some very slow staring at Xander, telling Xander he's nuts, telling Xander it's pointless for Xander to even try, because Xander can't get anything out of it. You have to admit that even if Angel's being very smart he's not being very hero-y here. Heroes are manifestly dumb, in fact; heroes put their pants on off-screen and follow Doyle to certain death just because they wants to let their girlfriends enjoy a post shag nap a little longer. Seriously!
But it's Xander who pulls Angel out of his post-Daddy, post-gypsy, post-Judy-and-sundry funk, that I never got a chance schtick, where the world is unfair because he thinks he might get a little sumthin' sumthin' and what do you know, the girl he loves is fated to die and there's nothing he can do about it. In a way, Xander is Buffy's voice here; he says, "Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person." That is, Buffy thinks he's special, Buffy's giving him a chance, Buffy's taking him by the hand (in that sense, Xander is also Darla's voice). But Xander also speaks in his own voice; he says, "right now I need you". And for the first time, the person who's grabbing his hand is someone who doesn't think Angel is special or superior or singled out by the powers, someone who isn't proof Angel will succeed, someone who can't convince Angel Angel's efforts won't be for naught. Xander could give a fuck less if his efforts are for naught or not (hee! Naughter knot!); he has to try everything he can (including enlisting the help of someone he doesn't even trust) anyway no matter what. Angel's never seen that before. Certainly never done it before, tried something knowing he can't succeed.
And for the first time, Angel realizes that maybe he should be after something higher than love or comfort. Buffy herself doesn't care if the world is against her, if she never gets a chance. She faces the Master even though she knows she'll lose, because people need her (which Willow shows her). Angel realizes it doesn't matter if people trust him or like him or accept him, they still need him (which Xander shows him). I think he seriously didn't realize that before. Again, if someone had taken him by the hand and told him: see, this is what is needed, this is what the world is, you can make it better, you are special--he might've bothered to try, but before that it never occurred to him, he never even saw it. In "Consequences" (BtVS S3x15), Angel tells Faith, "Time was, I thought humans existed just to hurt each other." And I thought he was going to say next, But then I met Buffy. Instead he says, "But then I came here. And I found out that there are other types of people. People who genuinely wanted to do right. And they make mistakes. And they fall down. You know, but they keep caring. Keep trying." Sure, he's talking about Buffy, but he's also talking about Xander. He's also talking about Willow and Giles and Cordelia and Oz.
So, while it was Buffy's belief in him, Buffy's love which functions like the encouragement and praise he needs to get stunned out of his lethargy towards action in fulfilling his potential, Xander is a kind of turning point. Xander's the last straw in convincing Angel that Angel has potential for more than just existing--he might actually be able to do some good in the world, and the world was worth it.
X/Aers, go to town, please.
PART FIVE: Angel, BtVS S2
Okay, so that moment in "Prophecy Girl" convinced Angel he could be more, but what is that more he can be, what are his goals and ambitions now, who is he? Let's not get carried away with the whole Xander as turning point thing. While Xander has demonstrated that sometimes you should try even expecting you'll lose, I still think don't think Angel's motivations at this point are completely selfless. He's still not fulfilling his potentiality for "good" (heroism, self-sacrifice). He's not working according the Jossverse idea of a "hero" because he still thinks he might come out of it okay.
For one thing, a part of him still thinks being with Buffy could be bad for Buffy, but he ain't doin' a thing to fix it. He says in "Reptile Boy" (BtVS S2x5) that he wants to protect her, that "things could get outta control." He knows he wants to sleep with her, and that she eventually will want to back, and that that might not be good for either of them. But, well, "Surprise". What I think Angel is thinking there, and in the lead up to it, is that he's finally getting his due. He's trying to be a good man. He's trying to help out in Sunnydale, and it's not just Buffy but Buffy's friends who're making him feel useful, needed (see "Dark Ages", BtVS S2x8). He's trying to be patient and gentle with Buffy, loving her like he thinks she should be loved, and Buffy's making him feel like he deserves it. And he's doing a good job. So shouldn't he get something back?
Unlike Darla was, Buffy is making Angel everything he is at this point. Buffy's not telling him what to do, but Angel's not in control of his own destiny. He thinks she is his destiny. He does not go from accepting fate's written invitation to becoming like unto fate itself; he does not become everything he can be; he does not fulfill his real potential; he does not pass go. Okay, I don't know about the go part, but Whistler led him to her, Buffy loved him, Xander needed him to save her--and Angel thinks this is a chance not for what he secretly believes is Ultimate Good (self-sacrifice), but that these events and people are a culmination of a chance for fate to make things up to him. He thinks the world is fair, that he can have his cake and eat it too. He thinks it's his redemption.
a2zmom (again, no surprise. She's the other half of my brain. She knows all this stuff already and I'm just trying to make it work my way) once said that she thinks Angel's moment of Perfect Happiness in "Surprise" (BtVS S2x13) was a result not just of Buffy loving him, and wanting to share herself with him, but also of something bigger than just Buffy herself. He still believed at that point that he could be redeemed and Buffy was part of that redemption. I completely agree with that; like I said, Angel is trying to be a good man. Man. Angel thinks he can still be one. If a Mohra demon came along right now and gave him a heartbeat, I doubt he'd turn it down. Because he thinks being a good man is what he's cut out to do. He too wants the normal life she wants, which I kind of mentioned in my big B/A metarantsquee thing. He wants to help her and help her friends and hold her hand and kiss a lot and maybe feel her up and give her dumb rings like a freakin' eighth grader.
So, sex with Buffy is like proof he deserves it all. She makes him feel like a man. That's not something you can just forgive.
PART SIX: Angel, BtVS S3
Some hot sex, evil, Hell, feral!Angel (we know because there was quick heavy breathing and nakedness), Angel's kinda off the whole redemption high. I've always had a lot of trouble understanding Angel in S3, especially as regards B/A. I like its parts but overall they're on they're off again, he's bad he's no good she's confused they're together, he's leaving then they're dancing at the prom? I saw in one of the special features or on one of the commentaires Joss Whedon or someone say that Angel's arc in S3 is all about how he has to leave Buffy, and this confused me 'cause though there was some "I'm no good for you" in the beginning, and some "Kill me sunshine!" in the middle, there was all that "still my girl" cheese and I really couldn't make those things form a coherent thread that leads to "Prom" (BtVS S3x20). But on this re-watching, I feel I understood it better. Go me, 'cause now you get to hear my reading of it.
We definitely see from his early scenes in S3, that Angel's having a hard time of it. This is because he's recovering from Hell, obviously. But I also think he's recovering from Angelus, from his realization that fate was not finally repaying him. It wasn't the world working for him for a change; it wasn't fate in his lap; it wasn't his big break. It was an elaborate hoax to prove he might as well give up, because he's never gonna get a chance. And I think somewhere in there, which we see come out in "Amends", Angel no longer thinks he deserves a chance. His recent stint as Angelus has not only reminded him, but--coming on the tail end of what he thought was his due--proven to him once again that the only thing he's "special" for is evil. When he felt that way the first time there was Darla. This time there's Buffy.
And I really think that the Darla/Angel scenes in China in 1900 are very similar to the B/A scenes pre-"Amends". Angel turns to Darla because she's the only thing he knows, the only one who ever thought he was special, the only one to encourage him to become any "better" (I use the term in a relative sense, obviously). The same is true with Buffy. He knows it could be dangerous and hurtful to be with Buffy, just as he knows that what Darla would want him to do if he's to stay with her is wrong. However, the choice to leave Darla was easy enough: it was the highroad or baby killing. But because Buffy continues to accept him, he's even more lost than when Darla rejected him. He believes he can be more than deadbeat Liam, because here Buffy is, loving him. But he can't try to be human, supporting Buffy's friends who hate him now, helping and protecting Buffy whom it's difficult to be around now, loving Buffy when it's more wrong than ever to be in a relationship with her now. He really shouldn't even be near Buffy, probably. But then next thing you know, in "Revelations" (BtVS S3x7) he's kissing her, and I'm with Buffy--what the hell is he doing? But his answer is truthful: he has no idea. He's convinced himself he's nothing, and she's the one thing in the world that makes him believe he's something.
There's an obvious solution to Angel's turmoil, of course, and we get to it in "Amends". He's nothing without her and it's wrong for him to be with her? Hey, don't be with her, and be nothing. Say hello to the sunshine. Not sure even Buffy can stop him, then. Sure, she's doing what normally works--giving him a chance, telling him he's special, all that good stuff. But Angel accepted that in S2, and failed, and all "Amends" is is a really delayed response to everything that happened then. It is, in fact, his modus operandi a la Judy and sundry. He tried something, failed, and now he's given up. Though actually, the First torturing him is a lot closer to Angel drinking that diner guy: he's hit the very bottom, having that dream about losing his soul in Buffy and loving it. He's fallen far enough to believe that he's not special, that the world isn't so much against him as he's a great big old loser, that even though Buffy is giving him a chance he'd just fail at in anyway. Because hey, paradox, Buffy can't give him a chance when the chance she gives--to love her--is so very wrong to him. Which is why the first freak blizzard with a different idea gets willing ears, eager faith, and willing obedience.
Cue snow. Exit Buffy.
Seriously, exit Buffy. Once it snows Angel's bright shiny new opportunity isn't Buffy any more, isn't loving Buffy, isn't being a man for Buffy. And the thing guiding him--taking his hand, encouraging him, telling him he's special and is going to do great things--isn't Buffy any more either. Something like the snow showing up at a time like this convinces Angel there is another solution--he can leave her and not be nothing, 'cause this snow obviously proves he's something.
So, in that moment, I think he realizes for the first time that he's capable of real heroism, the Jossverse definition of "heroism": right for right's sake, without knowing you'll come out of it okay, self-sacrifice. Angel realizes he can do right, and the right thing to do then is to leave Buffy. Since Buffy is pretty much all he wants just then, he leaves her knowing he won't get anything for himself. He is doing right for right's sake. The judgment of the shows seems to lean toward this selflessness and this reasoning being what's "heroic" and right. Despite the fact that in S2, what he sought to get for himself isn't what I would call dishonorable by any stretch of the imagination, Angel still wasn't doing what he thought was right because he was trying to get something for himself. In Jossverse, a true "hero" has nothing, and will never get anything. I think Buffy realizes that when she goes to the Master in "Prophecy Girl"; she falters sometimes but she proves it again at the end of S2 and S5: she'll never get anything for herself; she exists to fight and die. In the ep after "Amends", Angel summarizes all of that: "We never will. That's not why we fight. We do it 'cause there's things worth fighting for" ("Gingerbread" S3x11). This was something that Xander already knew, too: he didn't come get Angel in "Prophecy Girl" because he thought he could succeed but because he loved Buffy.
But while I do think Angel believes what he's saying about not winning, I'm not sure that's the guiding star of his actions. I still think he makes the decision to leave Buffy based on the snow. And the snow is proof he's special and supposed to do something great, an assurance his efforts won't be for naught. And that's the difference between him and Buffy, I think. Buffy knows her job is eventually to die; the nature of a Slayer is just to keep the world in balance, to keep it from going belly up, to keep it from being destroyed, not to make it a better place. But my impression of Angel is that the snow convinces him he has a part to play, and he doesn't see why a higher power would go to the trouble if he can't actually make the world a better place, if he can't actually Be Someone. Maybe he doesn't think he can win, but he does think he can tip the balance. It's still about what he can get, even if it isn't for himself.
Okay, if Angel decides in "Amends" to leave Buffy then and there, that doesn't really show well in the B/A in the following episodes. But I think that the eps that follow can be read as him gradually figuring out what the snow was about, gradually deciding, gradually seeing it's not going to work. He's still weak. He still can't bear to leave her yet; he still wants to protect her. Every life threatening crisis he's kissing her or has her in his arms, and every doubt she has in his love he assuages. But on his own, he's figuring out what to do with himself. And I think the eps do make a point of Angel doing more things on his own. One moment I especially like is in "Consequences" (BtVS S3x*), when Wesley tells them all Faith escaped from his custody. Buffy tells Giles, Xander and Willow what to do to look for Faith. Before she says anything to him, Angel has his own plan. Maybe he and Buffy are just in sync and work together really well. But to me it speaks to him starting to realize he can do the hero thing on his own.
As always, it takes an outside force to get his ass in gear. The last couple eps of S3 do a pretty good job of having a confluence of events point toward Angel leaving: the charade with Faith, what the Mayor says, Joyce, and finally Angel biting Buffy. But I think it really started with the magical snow, telling him his ass in gear could do something, and that he's Someone.
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If you bothered to take the time to read this long boring wordy viewpointy metay thing, open to all discussion, questions, disagreements, "but that's just stupid"s and "what the hell were you thinking"s. In fact, it's open to that even if you didn't read because hey, free place here, but I'm really interested in what other people think about this.
1. To explain some things about the character of Angel to myself which might've long been obvious to you.
2. To present a cohesive way of looking at the character. There are some threads which tie together or parallel that I didn't notice before, which present a major theme for the character: he always thinks he can get something, and that he needs outside forces to motivate him to act. I'm not sure I really believe this "theme" or theory or what have you, but it's a way of looking at the character. I'm interested in the flaws of the theory as well as the ways in which it fits.
3. To take Angel down a notch or two. Because I do love the character so much, I'm interested in seeing him for what he really is rather than some fangirl construct. The viewpoint above is a slightly less exalted view than I normally take of the character, which is I guess why I think it's interesting.
This is about Angel pre-AtS. I have some ideas about how this way of looking at the character plays out in his own series, but I'll write that up another time. I also have this really weird Angel and Xander meta I need to write which connects to this, but gah, this is long. So, here it is, a view of Angel from Liam to the end of BtVS S3.
*
PREFACE: Definition of "soul" in Buffyverse
I can't say what I want about Angel without explaining that I think Liam and Angelus and Angel are the same person. Many feel the same (a2zmom has great meta about it here); others feel that Angelus is a separate demon entity or that Angel's soul is not Liam's soul. But I think that Liam has the potential to be both Angel and Angelus within him. He has the power to be greatly evil and greatly good (respectively, of course, though how much good Angel actually achieves is a debatable point. But the material effect isn't so important here as the midset: Liam has the potential to be someone who sacrifices himself for others and tries to save the world a lot. And I'm going to be using the idea of Angel's potentiality for "good" in just that way. It's actually a potentiality for the Jossverse definition of "heroism"--doing right for right's sake without selfish motives. Or in the end it's a potentiality for Angel's definition of greatness--which for him is self-sacrifice. This is mostly material for another meta, though).
Most of that potentiality existed subconsciously. Most of that which was consciously evil would have been dismissed by Liam instinctively as immoral, indecent, and unnatural. A select few of those things, Liam acted on: sleeping around, alcoholism, shiftlessness. Along the same vein, that which was consciously good would have been dismissed as too much work, and almost as unnatural--it's not really an everyday thing to devote yourself to self-sacrifice and world saveage, to make that the purpose of your life. Some people try, but more people want to be painters. A select few good things he would act on: probably was nice to his sister, stuff like that. Out of the whole range of evil and good, most people operate in the middle. Liam may've fallen a little short of the "good" half of the spectrum, but I doubt he ever did anything terribly evil; I doubt he wanted to; I doubt he knew the evil of which he was capable.
When you get vamped in Buffyverse, I think two things happen. You get the demon aspect--vamp face, superstrength, bloodlust, maybe a few other things, but the aspect doesn't fundamentally alter who you are. You also lose your soul (someone did a great meta on the soul in Buffyverse in which these two changes are explained and related to Liam/Angel/Angelus. I don't know where it is or who wrote it!). I read the soul in Jossverse as a sense of morality, basic human decency, and an ability to feel remorse/guilt. With those things removed, the barriers between the evil you do and the evil you are capable of seem to collapse.
I always think about a story my mom told me once when thinking about the souled/soulless thing: she was holding my brother, who was a baby then, walking on the second floor of the mall. She got the sudden idea that she could just fling the baby over the railing down to the first floor. The idea scared her so much she hugged the wall all the way down and out and had a freak-out back home. My mom wasn't tempted. She didn't have to fight with herself not to kill my brother. She was shocked and horrified and sickened by this thought of what she coulddo that had flitted up from her subconscious. She never, in a million years, would've done that. Her vampire self might've. The instinctive horror hard upon the heels of a thought like that is removed with a soul, from what I've seen of Buffyverse, and the remorse that would normally follow if the action is carried out is gone, too.
However, a vampire can still feel love. Spike (and to a lesser extent, the rest of the Fanged Four, and some minor characters like John and Elizabeth) proves that. I view Spike/Buffy as an exercise in what love is: can it exist without morality, without basic human decency, without respect for fellow man, without remorse for actions taken? What is left after those things are gone? What is love, is it enough to make up for the lack of those things given time, is there that a spark of divinity in love? Shouldn't such love be selfish and destructive, but isn't love always to some extent selfish, where is the line between selflessness and selfishness that turns love into destruction and hate? Is love different for different people, is some people's love without that spark that might make it enough to overcome, and does that mean there are lesser kinds of love, or are the people who love that way lesser, or are we all capable of such a love that even with everything else good in us gone if we try hard enough we can exist without destroying the object of that love? So, I don't know the answer to the question whether Vamp!TKMom would through Baby!TKBrother1 over the rail, but I do think that instead of instinctively recoiling from the idea, she would have considered it, might've done it. Afterwards, she might miss him, but then again she might not feel bad about it. If she did decide that she wanted him to stick around, she's probably just as likely to vamp him (as Spike vamped his mother) as let him live, and so on.
The point is it's the nature of the living man that determines what that evil will be. Vamped, the things inside you (the "soul") which instinctively dismissed evil thoughts and impulses are gone, and you're more likely to act on them. Some vampires like turning their lovers; others like tormenting them. The nature of the living man also determines how far that evil will go: in acting on conscious evil thoughts, you open up new vistas; you mine the subconscious and tap the entire potential for evil within you. For some it's deeper than others: it doesn't occur to Darla as it does to Angelus to crystallize forever Dru's torment by turning her (AtS,). And the nature of the living man also determines how that evil will be executed: some are stupid and careless and ineffectual, others are meticulous and perfectionist and world-threatening.
PART ONE: Liam
Of Liam we actually pretty much see a tavern scene ("Becoming Part One" BtVS, S2x21) and some arguments with his father ("The Prodigal", AtS S1x15). From both we conclude that Liam was pretty much a deadbeat, but the reasons for his deadbeatliness are unclear.
Of course there's thousands of explanations and now I think we'll probably never know which one or several it was. Maybe he wanted to be a deadbeat; he was unambitious, never thought about who he was or who he would be, just lived from meal to meal and woman to woman. I think the reason I always used to think that this was how Liam was is it's such a different picture from Angel. Angel seems really self-aware and goal oriented (always striving toward something, which I'll go into more later). I liked that difference, myLiam being vastly "inferior" to myAngel, just as I like myAngelus vastly more evil than Angel. That way, the dichotomies highlight just what failings (shown in both Liam and Angelus) Angel has to overcome inside himself in order to be the guy he is. And that made who Angel becomes seem more heroic and strong-willed to me. Since I kind of put Angel on a pedastal sometimes, that was the explanation I went with.
But anyway, because myLiam's lack of ambition was so different from Angel (and Angelus), the idea now seems faulty to me, especially since I think the quality of being ambitious isn't something that would change souled or soulless (the direction of the ambition would change quite a bit, of course). That, that quality of being ambitious, would in fact be very important in determining the nature of a vampire--part of the difference between Angelus and the vamp Darla tries to get to turn her ("The Trial", AtS S2x9). Someone who wanted a lot out of life would want a lot out of death. So since I realized that, I've adopted a2zmom'sLiam, who had all kinds of ambition. I think Liam wanted to Become Someone. That is, his goal wasn't to be rich, or the best merchant ever, or a saint, or a farmer with a family and a dog. He wanted to achieve greatness. a2zmom'sLiam wanted to be a painter. I like that at idea, because it's more neutral than him wanting to be a saint or an evil mastermind, but it still speaks to me of greatness.
Now, there's also thousands of explanations as to why Liam didn't appear to be moving towards this ambition in the few flashbacks in which we see him. One reason is probably his father. In the two scenes in which we see Liam's dad, he's telling Liam Liam's no good. It's possible Liam's suffered abuse like that since he was small, even before he deserved it. It's also possible that before Liam got so damn big there was physical abuse (excellently portrayed in this drabble by lostakasha). It's also possible that the values/viewpoints of the town he lived in were stifling. Both his father and his peers might've scoffed at the idea of painting for a living, and discouraged him from it. While I doubt the whole village specifically made it clear to him he'd never make anything of himself, I do think they'd in general expect him to follow in his father's footsteps, settle down, be a normal Joe.
My theory about what turned Liam into the slouch he appears to be in the flashbacks is that he never tried. He let himself get beat down and stayed there, feeling sorry for himself, seeking pleasure instead of fighting back. Angel says in "Amends" (BtVS S3x10), "I was young. I never had a chance to..." He doesn't get to finish, but maybe he's talking about Liam's ambitions--or ambitions Angel knows he should have had. Either way, he's making excuses, the way I see it. He wasn't that young. He was old enough and big enough to stand up to his father. He could have left town, gone to Europe, Paris, Rome, where all the big things were happening. Don't get me wrong. I understand that at that time and possibly in Liam's particular circumstances, doing those things might have been extremely difficult. It wasn't as easy back in the day to make your way on your own, to cut yourself off, to establish yourself somewhere new. Also, child abuse can have long term psychological effect. Some people move past it and become successful, but not all. And we have no idea how severe Liam's father was. But my take on this is that Liam's father wasn't exactly atypical for the era. Other people of the age did come from horrible beginnings, and also provincial beginnings, and also both, to be great people and do great things.
The way I choose to view Liam's situation is that things were hard, and Angel will always have Daddy Issues, but that it was primarily Liam himself holding himself back. Sure, he wanted to do something great, paint maybe. As I've said, he certainly has the potential, and he believes that, or even maybe senses it. But his believing he's special is his biggest drawback of all: his biggest fear was trying and failing, of finding out everything his father said was true, that he's not special at all. If he did make the effort and failed, his father and his peers would only laugh at him. He didn't want try something for nothing. What he wanted, I think, was someone or something that could prove he has all the potential he secretly suspects he has, someone who tells him he is special, or something that assures him his efforts won't be for naught. So all that while, I think he was waiting for a big break, for fate to fall in his lap, and when it didn't, he began to believe the world was against him. He began to believe that he never could get a chance because no one would ever give it to him. He was a child, stamping his foot and saying, "It's not fair!" He would end up and old and wasted saying things like, "I never had a chance"; I could've been great if other people had let me. He didn't want to work at being the man he could be. He wanted someone else to do it for him.
Hello, Darla.
PART TWO: Angelus
I always thought it interesting that a point was made of Angel not liking the rich, classy girls of his era, and then to have him be so obviously drawn to Darla in that alley--so obviously rich and classy. What Liam was drawn to was the dichotomy of course: rich classy girl in dirty ill-reputed alley. And of course, when she said she'd show him the world, she was his big break, fate falling in his . . . neck.
I don't think Liam ever wanted to be one of the most evil murderer/rapists that ever pillaged and burned kind of great. Nor did he want to be a self-sacrificing guy who tries to save the world a lot kind of great. As I said above, a lot of our potentiality for both good and evil is subconscious, and those thoughts that do occur consciously are often instinctively dismissed. As opposed to what we are capable of on our personal spectrums of good and evil, the things we actually consider acting on, much less act on, tend to be middle of the road.
However, vamped, Liam becomes aware of his potentiality for evil, and fulfills it. In a way, he fulfills the ambitions he had as a human, too. He doesn't become a painter, but I would imagine that when he realizes the true evil of which he is really capable, Liam/Angelus realizes he's actually more talented at that than art. Torment was like an art to him, he was a perfectionist about it. He'd never be a better artist than the true greats, but he sure could torment better than anyone else, according to the Watcher's Guides: In "Just Rewards" (AtS S5x2) Angel is the "worst vampire recorded". This way he achieved "greatness", really became someone. A lot of his faults as a human: shiftlessness, laziness, inability to act, to lead his own life, have been overcome. He goes from waiting for fate to hand thim a written invitation to becoming--excuse the phrasing--like unto fate itself. He became all he could be. No wonder he threw it back in his father's face: "You said I’d never amount to anything. Well, you were wrong." (Angel morphs into vamp face.) "You see, father? I have made somethingout of myself, after all" ("The Prodigal").
But the Daddy Issue is important here because I don't think it was just the loss of his soul, just being vamped, that helped Liam fulfill his potential. It was Darla herself. The first time I saw them, I felt the flashbacks in episodes like "The Prodigal", "Five By Five" (AtS S1x18), "Dear Boy" (AtS S2x5) and "Darla" (AtS S2x7) were a bit contrived. They showed Angelus and Darla as a team when we hadn't seen that at all before. In other flashbacks, such as "Amends" (BtVS S3.10) and "Sonambulist," (AtS S1x11) Angelus was portrayed as doing his evil deeds independently of her. The flashbacks were open-ended enough that ME never contridicted themselves (that's a small miracle) in showing that Darla was a larger element in Angel's life than we had previously been left to believe, but it seemed obvious to me they were showing that because they had decided to bring Darla back in S2. I especially felt the scene in which Darla picks out Drusilla for Angelus in "Dear Boy" smelled of retcon, as Angelus seemed a bit surprised by Drusilla being there in the Aus/Dru scene in "Becoming Part One". So I think that on first viewing I was kind of dismissive of Darla's influence over Angelus. While "Becoming" highlights the fact that both Buffy and Darla created Angel/us and set him on his path, I read it more as once the lightbulb (in the form of seeing Buffy for the first time, and getting vamped by Darla) popped on overhead, Angel made his own way from there.
Now, I think that Darla was far more instrumental in forming who Angelus became. It's obvious that her instruction showed him the way to draw out tormenting others, as "The Prodigal" shows. Her encouragement was something Liam needed, the something he never got from his father, or probably his peers. Not only that, Darla was a big believer in her fundamental superiority, in her godliness among humans. This would've really appealed to Angelus, because she would've had faith in his secret ambitions of greatness, would've been the proof he needed that great effort was woth the time. She tells him he's special; she's the person holding him by the hand. Because no one had ever done that before, he was reluctant to try, for fear he might fail and come up short-handed. If only someone had encouraged him, if only someone had given him a chance. Darla did and behold the "success".
Darla didn't make Angelus everything he was, as Spike accuses Angel of making him. She "opened the door, and let the real [him] out" ("Destiny" (AtS S5x8). Angelus exceeded Darla. But her shock at how far he goes, how much he exceeds her epectations, how impressed she is with him: these are exactly what Liam thought he needed to be the man he wanted/thought he could be. Without of her, Angelus still would've been a mean, nasty vampire. But I doubt he would've tried as hard to be as evil as possible, doubt he would have been so incredibly artistic and exacting about it, doubt he would've succeeded in becoming truly great. That look on Darla's face, when Angelus told her he wanted to make Drusilla's torment eternal--Darla's shock, horror, and almost awe--that's what he lived for. Or, you know, died for.
PART THREE: Angel, pre-1996
A gypsy and some thigh-biting and a curse later, Angel finds Evil Greatness is not so easy any more because of that soul thing. It's a conflict he never would have felt as a human, because as I said before, Liam rarely was consciously aware of the evil of which he was capable, and when he did consciously think of it his soul most of the time naturally rejected it, without so much as a blip on the radar. But now, re-ensouled, that evil is a constant thought in his mind. And Angel remembers what Angelus was like: free to act on his every whim, in control of his own fate, great.
Now, he is nothing. He is lost, and it's no wonder that he clings to the one person who showed him the way before. What he wants from Darla now, I think, is comfort, someone to feel sorry for him, someone to tell him he is special and too bad no one gave him a chance, to bad that big mean nasty world is against him, because she knows for a fact he's greatness personified when someone lets him be.
Failing with her, it's no surprise that he makes no effort to make something else of his life. If he has ambition at all, it's the exact opposite of greatness. It's the middle of the road, to be what Liam was when Liam was busy not caring about anything, to be shiftless and lazy, unable to act, to lead his own life. He'd been a failure then but at least he hadn't hurt anyone (as he had when he was such a success), at least he had been human.
I had once thought that Angel's ambition now would be to do good, to be a hero. But I don't think at this point that those things would ever occur to him, just as it had never occured to him before Darla to fulfill his potential for evil. And even if it did occur to him, I doubt he'd think real heroism worth the effort. I think it was a2zmom (no surprise there) who told me once that before Buffy, Angel had never considered redemption possible, and now I totally agree with her. Again, Angel didn't want to try something for nothing. The only thing he thought he was "special" for was evil, and he was prepared to accept that truth because he was too much of a loser to take the chance himself, and there was no one to show him otherwise, who'll assure him his efforts won't be for naught. So he sits around feeling sorry for himself, a person who has ended up saying things like, "I never had a chance"; I could've been great if other people had let me, and he has an excuse, now. He has reason to believe "it's not fair", and the world is against him. He made a last ditch effort with Darla at being the man he could be, and he failed miserably. All he thinks he can be now is nothing. There's no one to give him a chance.
Hello, Judy ("Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been", AtS S2x2), various, and sundry. Judy draws Angel into her world--it's important here that she seeks him, not the other way around. When Judy turns to him, Angel thinks someone has singled him out (yay! he's special! Angel needs to be told that so much). Judy is giving him a chance, and according to my interpretation, he doesn't see it as a chance for him to be a hero, but to be Liam again. Angel's been busy making as little of an impression on the world as Liam ever did, but he doesn't get to do it with the relative comfort and company Liam did. To have that warm tavern glow--enough to eat, people to talk to, a place to stay, without being concerned about the fate of the world or dying to save it, to live firmly in the middle of the spectrum between good and evil, as most people do--that's his great ambition. I think he thinks that helping Judy and the people at the Hyperion will get him something from them; he's not doing it because it's right but because he wants to be liked and accepted.
So it's no wonder when they lynch him that he gives up on them. He realizes that he'll never get anything back from these particular humans, so he doesn't bother. And I think that's always how he operates--he's always out to get something, won't do something for nothing. While no doubt Angel occasionally did good samaritainy things like save puppies and help his landlady with her garbage, I doubt greater good ever occured to him unless someone accosted him with their problems, which to him was someone giving him a chance. And once that chance to be loved and accepted and comfortable again was gone in his eyes, he gave up.
I bet it happened more often than with Judy and the government ("Why We Fight", AtS S5x13.) Big, mysterious, strangely otherworldly guy like him, bet he was getting people like Judy fairly often, or at least every few years or so. But Angel looks surprised when Judy forsakes him, which is pretty stupid of him considering she was under the influence of the Thessulac demon. But consider: Liam secretly believed he was special, but no one ever gave him a chance to be so. When Darla told him he was, he became an immediate success. I think some part of him still secretly believes he could be someone great, so when someone gives him a chance, it shocks him every time he fails. But instead of just getting back on the horse, he sulks. In AtS he proves that it is possible to make a life for himself, to run a business, to function in the human world and have human friends, but because he's unwilling to try anything on his own, Angel completely fails to fulfill his only ambition now: comfort, company, warmth. He convinces himself it's not him, it's fate, it's not fair, it's that the world is against him. So someone else comes along to give him a chance, and he's totally Fate's bitch again. It got to be a kind of routine with him, is my guess.
After he drank that diner guy, I bet less so. He got all dirty and stuff, and how many times do you run to a bum? Plus he was even more convinced no one would ever give him a chance, because he finally convinced himself he didn't deserve one. He'd hit the very bottom, further than Liam had ever fallen, far enough to almost believe that he's not special, that the world isn't so much against him as he's a great big old loser, that if someone gave him a chance to be great he'd just fail at in anyway. Which is why the first person to suggest otherwise gets willing ears, eager faith, and willing obedience, because no one wants to believe that kind of thing about himself.
Hello, Whistler.
PART FOUR: Angel, 1996 - BtVS Season One
Whistler is of course just the weird suit color requisite to make Buffy be Darla. Not that with a funny hat Buffy would look like Darla, but they try. No, I mean, Whistler is the vehicle (probably literally!) to get Angel to Buffy. I wonder if Angel had just happened to see Buffy getting called because he lived in L.A. or some such, whether he'd've gone the same way. No, I bet it takes this skeevy guy appearing out of nowhere, being all mysterious, the very miracle and mystery of it functioning as proof that Angel is special, Angel's efforts won't be for naught. Because Whistler hints Angel can Be Somebody; Whistler gives Angel his chance in the form of Buffy.
And I used to think, when Angel first saw Buffy, that he snapped that chance up, and began from that moment to be everything he could be on the side of good. I always thought he saw her and it was a BAM!, good now, just like I thought Darla is pretty much a BAM!, evil now. But over this last re-watching I decided Darla had more influence over time really influencing Angel to be the greatest of evil, and I've decided it takes a longer time with Angel, too. For one thing, he doesn't even get the kind of encouragement and hand holding Darla gave him from the start with Buffy; he just looks from afar. I think that the combined whammy of Whistler and Buffy, at this point, functions much more in the capacity of a Judy.
Whistler is giving Angel a chance, and Buffy is giving him incentive. He's still not jonesing to be a hero. He's hoping to get some smiles and pats on the back from Buffy, maybe her friendship. (Later, when he figures out he turns her on, he's hoping to get her love, and still later than that, he starts to think he can get even more, but that's another Angel). While I'm sure that Angel is completely convinced that he has a chance this time, he's going to succeed this time, he's special, to anyone watching--PsTB, us--there's really no more indication that he'll Become Someone in these circumstances than when he helped people like Judy. That is, he's not completely fulfilling his potentiality for "good" . He hasn't Become Someone; this isn't Greatness. (Again, "good" and "greatness" in this instance might be closer to the terms "heroism", or perhaps "self-sacrifice".)
There are several reasons I read it that way. One is that he's too chicken shit to help Buffy face the Master in WTTH and Harvest (BtVS S1x1-2). Another is he knows being with Buffy is bad for Buffy, but he kisses her anyway. He does manage to stay away for a bit when he says "I gotta walk away" ("Angel", BtVS S1x7) but in the meantime he gets involved with Giles and her friends, and isn't very careful about not bumping into her in "Prophecy Girl" (BtVS S1x12). Sure, I'm being harsh, but this inability to do what he thinks is right for Buffy (regardless of what is really right for her) is a theme which will return and explain a lot of S2-3, imo, and it says something about what his goals are S1. He's not trying to do what he thinks is right; he's trying to feel good and accepted and maybe loved.
He does kill Darla, which to me signifies he might be moving toward fulfilling his potential in the opposite direction in which Darla had led him, but there's a really big moment in S1 that highlights for me the fact that Angel isn't completely committed to that goal yet. That moment is in "Prophecy Girl": Buffy hears she's going to die; she gives up, and then . . .Angel gives up, too. Okay, so he doesn't say, "I give up"; he says, "we gotta figure out a way...". But Buffy throws his necklace on the ground; she rejects him. And what does he go do? Does it really look like he's figuring out a way? He's hanging out in his apartment, brooding. By IWRY Angel's ready to go out and slit his own throat with a Mohra demon's sword on the drop of a hat. Not this Angel. Sacrificing himself won't get him anything; he knows he can't win against the Master and so doesn't see the point in trying (again, he's not about something for nothing). What he really needs right about then is someone to come take his hand, tell him he's special, give him a chance.
Hello,--what the fuck? Xander?
Yeah, Xander. Xander goes to Angel and tells Angel Buffy's gone to face the Master. And what does Angel do? Bolt to his feet and run down to the Master to save her? Maybe he's thinking very quickly, planning very quickly how to save her, but I ain't seein' any very quickly walking or very quickly Buffy-saveage. I see some very slow staring at Xander, telling Xander he's nuts, telling Xander it's pointless for Xander to even try, because Xander can't get anything out of it. You have to admit that even if Angel's being very smart he's not being very hero-y here. Heroes are manifestly dumb, in fact; heroes put their pants on off-screen and follow Doyle to certain death just because they wants to let their girlfriends enjoy a post shag nap a little longer. Seriously!
But it's Xander who pulls Angel out of his post-Daddy, post-gypsy, post-Judy-and-sundry funk, that I never got a chance schtick, where the world is unfair because he thinks he might get a little sumthin' sumthin' and what do you know, the girl he loves is fated to die and there's nothing he can do about it. In a way, Xander is Buffy's voice here; he says, "Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person." That is, Buffy thinks he's special, Buffy's giving him a chance, Buffy's taking him by the hand (in that sense, Xander is also Darla's voice). But Xander also speaks in his own voice; he says, "right now I need you". And for the first time, the person who's grabbing his hand is someone who doesn't think Angel is special or superior or singled out by the powers, someone who isn't proof Angel will succeed, someone who can't convince Angel Angel's efforts won't be for naught. Xander could give a fuck less if his efforts are for naught or not (hee! Naughter knot!); he has to try everything he can (including enlisting the help of someone he doesn't even trust) anyway no matter what. Angel's never seen that before. Certainly never done it before, tried something knowing he can't succeed.
And for the first time, Angel realizes that maybe he should be after something higher than love or comfort. Buffy herself doesn't care if the world is against her, if she never gets a chance. She faces the Master even though she knows she'll lose, because people need her (which Willow shows her). Angel realizes it doesn't matter if people trust him or like him or accept him, they still need him (which Xander shows him). I think he seriously didn't realize that before. Again, if someone had taken him by the hand and told him: see, this is what is needed, this is what the world is, you can make it better, you are special--he might've bothered to try, but before that it never occurred to him, he never even saw it. In "Consequences" (BtVS S3x15), Angel tells Faith, "Time was, I thought humans existed just to hurt each other." And I thought he was going to say next, But then I met Buffy. Instead he says, "But then I came here. And I found out that there are other types of people. People who genuinely wanted to do right. And they make mistakes. And they fall down. You know, but they keep caring. Keep trying." Sure, he's talking about Buffy, but he's also talking about Xander. He's also talking about Willow and Giles and Cordelia and Oz.
So, while it was Buffy's belief in him, Buffy's love which functions like the encouragement and praise he needs to get stunned out of his lethargy towards action in fulfilling his potential, Xander is a kind of turning point. Xander's the last straw in convincing Angel that Angel has potential for more than just existing--he might actually be able to do some good in the world, and the world was worth it.
X/Aers, go to town, please.
PART FIVE: Angel, BtVS S2
Okay, so that moment in "Prophecy Girl" convinced Angel he could be more, but what is that more he can be, what are his goals and ambitions now, who is he? Let's not get carried away with the whole Xander as turning point thing. While Xander has demonstrated that sometimes you should try even expecting you'll lose, I still think don't think Angel's motivations at this point are completely selfless. He's still not fulfilling his potentiality for "good" (heroism, self-sacrifice). He's not working according the Jossverse idea of a "hero" because he still thinks he might come out of it okay.
For one thing, a part of him still thinks being with Buffy could be bad for Buffy, but he ain't doin' a thing to fix it. He says in "Reptile Boy" (BtVS S2x5) that he wants to protect her, that "things could get outta control." He knows he wants to sleep with her, and that she eventually will want to back, and that that might not be good for either of them. But, well, "Surprise". What I think Angel is thinking there, and in the lead up to it, is that he's finally getting his due. He's trying to be a good man. He's trying to help out in Sunnydale, and it's not just Buffy but Buffy's friends who're making him feel useful, needed (see "Dark Ages", BtVS S2x8). He's trying to be patient and gentle with Buffy, loving her like he thinks she should be loved, and Buffy's making him feel like he deserves it. And he's doing a good job. So shouldn't he get something back?
Unlike Darla was, Buffy is making Angel everything he is at this point. Buffy's not telling him what to do, but Angel's not in control of his own destiny. He thinks she is his destiny. He does not go from accepting fate's written invitation to becoming like unto fate itself; he does not become everything he can be; he does not fulfill his real potential; he does not pass go. Okay, I don't know about the go part, but Whistler led him to her, Buffy loved him, Xander needed him to save her--and Angel thinks this is a chance not for what he secretly believes is Ultimate Good (self-sacrifice), but that these events and people are a culmination of a chance for fate to make things up to him. He thinks the world is fair, that he can have his cake and eat it too. He thinks it's his redemption.
a2zmom (again, no surprise. She's the other half of my brain. She knows all this stuff already and I'm just trying to make it work my way) once said that she thinks Angel's moment of Perfect Happiness in "Surprise" (BtVS S2x13) was a result not just of Buffy loving him, and wanting to share herself with him, but also of something bigger than just Buffy herself. He still believed at that point that he could be redeemed and Buffy was part of that redemption. I completely agree with that; like I said, Angel is trying to be a good man. Man. Angel thinks he can still be one. If a Mohra demon came along right now and gave him a heartbeat, I doubt he'd turn it down. Because he thinks being a good man is what he's cut out to do. He too wants the normal life she wants, which I kind of mentioned in my big B/A metarantsquee thing. He wants to help her and help her friends and hold her hand and kiss a lot and maybe feel her up and give her dumb rings like a freakin' eighth grader.
So, sex with Buffy is like proof he deserves it all. She makes him feel like a man. That's not something you can just forgive.
PART SIX: Angel, BtVS S3
Some hot sex, evil, Hell, feral!Angel (we know because there was quick heavy breathing and nakedness), Angel's kinda off the whole redemption high. I've always had a lot of trouble understanding Angel in S3, especially as regards B/A. I like its parts but overall they're on they're off again, he's bad he's no good she's confused they're together, he's leaving then they're dancing at the prom? I saw in one of the special features or on one of the commentaires Joss Whedon or someone say that Angel's arc in S3 is all about how he has to leave Buffy, and this confused me 'cause though there was some "I'm no good for you" in the beginning, and some "Kill me sunshine!" in the middle, there was all that "still my girl" cheese and I really couldn't make those things form a coherent thread that leads to "Prom" (BtVS S3x20). But on this re-watching, I feel I understood it better. Go me, 'cause now you get to hear my reading of it.
We definitely see from his early scenes in S3, that Angel's having a hard time of it. This is because he's recovering from Hell, obviously. But I also think he's recovering from Angelus, from his realization that fate was not finally repaying him. It wasn't the world working for him for a change; it wasn't fate in his lap; it wasn't his big break. It was an elaborate hoax to prove he might as well give up, because he's never gonna get a chance. And I think somewhere in there, which we see come out in "Amends", Angel no longer thinks he deserves a chance. His recent stint as Angelus has not only reminded him, but--coming on the tail end of what he thought was his due--proven to him once again that the only thing he's "special" for is evil. When he felt that way the first time there was Darla. This time there's Buffy.
And I really think that the Darla/Angel scenes in China in 1900 are very similar to the B/A scenes pre-"Amends". Angel turns to Darla because she's the only thing he knows, the only one who ever thought he was special, the only one to encourage him to become any "better" (I use the term in a relative sense, obviously). The same is true with Buffy. He knows it could be dangerous and hurtful to be with Buffy, just as he knows that what Darla would want him to do if he's to stay with her is wrong. However, the choice to leave Darla was easy enough: it was the highroad or baby killing. But because Buffy continues to accept him, he's even more lost than when Darla rejected him. He believes he can be more than deadbeat Liam, because here Buffy is, loving him. But he can't try to be human, supporting Buffy's friends who hate him now, helping and protecting Buffy whom it's difficult to be around now, loving Buffy when it's more wrong than ever to be in a relationship with her now. He really shouldn't even be near Buffy, probably. But then next thing you know, in "Revelations" (BtVS S3x7) he's kissing her, and I'm with Buffy--what the hell is he doing? But his answer is truthful: he has no idea. He's convinced himself he's nothing, and she's the one thing in the world that makes him believe he's something.
There's an obvious solution to Angel's turmoil, of course, and we get to it in "Amends". He's nothing without her and it's wrong for him to be with her? Hey, don't be with her, and be nothing. Say hello to the sunshine. Not sure even Buffy can stop him, then. Sure, she's doing what normally works--giving him a chance, telling him he's special, all that good stuff. But Angel accepted that in S2, and failed, and all "Amends" is is a really delayed response to everything that happened then. It is, in fact, his modus operandi a la Judy and sundry. He tried something, failed, and now he's given up. Though actually, the First torturing him is a lot closer to Angel drinking that diner guy: he's hit the very bottom, having that dream about losing his soul in Buffy and loving it. He's fallen far enough to believe that he's not special, that the world isn't so much against him as he's a great big old loser, that even though Buffy is giving him a chance he'd just fail at in anyway. Because hey, paradox, Buffy can't give him a chance when the chance she gives--to love her--is so very wrong to him. Which is why the first freak blizzard with a different idea gets willing ears, eager faith, and willing obedience.
Cue snow. Exit Buffy.
Seriously, exit Buffy. Once it snows Angel's bright shiny new opportunity isn't Buffy any more, isn't loving Buffy, isn't being a man for Buffy. And the thing guiding him--taking his hand, encouraging him, telling him he's special and is going to do great things--isn't Buffy any more either. Something like the snow showing up at a time like this convinces Angel there is another solution--he can leave her and not be nothing, 'cause this snow obviously proves he's something.
So, in that moment, I think he realizes for the first time that he's capable of real heroism, the Jossverse definition of "heroism": right for right's sake, without knowing you'll come out of it okay, self-sacrifice. Angel realizes he can do right, and the right thing to do then is to leave Buffy. Since Buffy is pretty much all he wants just then, he leaves her knowing he won't get anything for himself. He is doing right for right's sake. The judgment of the shows seems to lean toward this selflessness and this reasoning being what's "heroic" and right. Despite the fact that in S2, what he sought to get for himself isn't what I would call dishonorable by any stretch of the imagination, Angel still wasn't doing what he thought was right because he was trying to get something for himself. In Jossverse, a true "hero" has nothing, and will never get anything. I think Buffy realizes that when she goes to the Master in "Prophecy Girl"; she falters sometimes but she proves it again at the end of S2 and S5: she'll never get anything for herself; she exists to fight and die. In the ep after "Amends", Angel summarizes all of that: "We never will. That's not why we fight. We do it 'cause there's things worth fighting for" ("Gingerbread" S3x11). This was something that Xander already knew, too: he didn't come get Angel in "Prophecy Girl" because he thought he could succeed but because he loved Buffy.
But while I do think Angel believes what he's saying about not winning, I'm not sure that's the guiding star of his actions. I still think he makes the decision to leave Buffy based on the snow. And the snow is proof he's special and supposed to do something great, an assurance his efforts won't be for naught. And that's the difference between him and Buffy, I think. Buffy knows her job is eventually to die; the nature of a Slayer is just to keep the world in balance, to keep it from going belly up, to keep it from being destroyed, not to make it a better place. But my impression of Angel is that the snow convinces him he has a part to play, and he doesn't see why a higher power would go to the trouble if he can't actually make the world a better place, if he can't actually Be Someone. Maybe he doesn't think he can win, but he does think he can tip the balance. It's still about what he can get, even if it isn't for himself.
Okay, if Angel decides in "Amends" to leave Buffy then and there, that doesn't really show well in the B/A in the following episodes. But I think that the eps that follow can be read as him gradually figuring out what the snow was about, gradually deciding, gradually seeing it's not going to work. He's still weak. He still can't bear to leave her yet; he still wants to protect her. Every life threatening crisis he's kissing her or has her in his arms, and every doubt she has in his love he assuages. But on his own, he's figuring out what to do with himself. And I think the eps do make a point of Angel doing more things on his own. One moment I especially like is in "Consequences" (BtVS S3x*), when Wesley tells them all Faith escaped from his custody. Buffy tells Giles, Xander and Willow what to do to look for Faith. Before she says anything to him, Angel has his own plan. Maybe he and Buffy are just in sync and work together really well. But to me it speaks to him starting to realize he can do the hero thing on his own.
As always, it takes an outside force to get his ass in gear. The last couple eps of S3 do a pretty good job of having a confluence of events point toward Angel leaving: the charade with Faith, what the Mayor says, Joyce, and finally Angel biting Buffy. But I think it really started with the magical snow, telling him his ass in gear could do something, and that he's Someone.
*
If you bothered to take the time to read this long boring wordy viewpointy metay thing, open to all discussion, questions, disagreements, "but that's just stupid"s and "what the hell were you thinking"s. In fact, it's open to that even if you didn't read because hey, free place here, but I'm really interested in what other people think about this.