To hell with characterization!
It's all about how they look!
Either this stuff gets off my chest,
Angel does not have wide hips. I suspect that those of you who have said his hips are wide have said so because it is a "standard of beauty." This is a standard of feminine beauty, usually. (Unless you're Joss Whedon. Does Faith's, Inara's, and Gwen's lack of hippage make anyone else wince? The girl's are gorgeous, and hot, but . . . there's no grip!) Anyway, DB has the *narrowest* hips since the triangle was inverted.
Spike's cheekbones cannot cut anything. Spike's cheekbones have never appeared on midnight infomercials. They do not slice. They do not dice. You cannot get a free blowjob when you order them Stricken due to quick perusal of Ebay. Apparently, you can.
Xander never had washboard abs. And okay, even if he did in s4 (or was it 5?) when NB looked so good and they were doing his hair right, YOU COULD NOT WASH DISHES ON HIM. Spike doesn't even *wash* the damn dishes. Unless you're in a femmenerd fic in which she'd so work it.
Angel is pale. Paler than most people. If you call him tan, even in all-human crack AUs, OZ WILL HUNT YOU DOWN.
Let's all admit it right now. Spike is not only sexy, he is Teh Sex. But how many times do you have to say in a fic, Spike is made of sex, Spike is sex personified, Spike is sex made flesh? Even germaine_pet herself can only get away with an innocent little Spike's an intensely sexual creature here or there, but YOU probably shouldn't even try. Yes YOU. YOU WHO IS READING THIS RIGHT NOW. Including me because I just wrote that right now. (Who wants to know if germaine_pet just read that right now and had an out of body moment of existential crisis before regaining her sense of identity and floating back to earth on a cloud made of . . . of . . . SEX? I WANT TO KNOW, PERSONALLY. *boggles*)
I have difficulty with the idea of Angel having "thick" lips. Brangelina have enough lip to create a third lip country of their own where children unfortunate enough to have been born with poor lips get an extra third lip courtesy of Brangelina themselves. Gunn and Faith have a loveshack there, but ANGEL DOES NOT LIVE THERE. But Spike does when he does the lip thing. YOU KNOW THE LIP THING I'M TALKING ABOUT.
Speaking of which, Spike, TAKE OFF THOSE LIPS AND GIVE CUPID BACK HIS BOW, YOU DAMN THEIF, GEEZ.
Spike is not taller than Wesley.
For once I'd like Angel's hair to be to be prickley, slightly course, and sticky with gel, instead of silky. For once I'd like Spike's hair to be hard and caked and slightly uncomfortable to grab, instead of . . . silky. The next time I read about anyone sinking their hands into S2-6's Spike's hair KEN DOLLS WILL HUNT YOU DOWN.
Spike's eyes are not chips. Not of saphires and not of ice. They are not sour cream n' onion flavored, they are not BBQ, they are not salt and vinegar, and they do not pass go. And yes, I know he's from England, and you know what? SPIKE'S EYES STILL DON'T COME WITH FISH!
Buffy HAS and ass. God, I love it.
Xander's lips are not often cherry red. His eyes are quite chocolately, I'll give you that because I am generous and made of sweetness and light, but THERE IS NO CHERRY ON TOP OF THIS SUNDAE, SNOOKUMS. EAT IT AND LOVE IT.
I don't know about you guys, but cigarette smoke trumps both leather and the slight tang of whiskey, sorry, unless you have super vamp senses. WHICH XANDER DOESN'T!
eta: Though if it's S4, or your AU in which S & X are lovers, and assuming Xander let's Spike smoke in the basement/apartment/loveshack, Xander might very well have become acclimated. In which case, he could smell Spike's leather and whiskey smells. He could also smell Spike's demon goo, hair gel and come. And he could leisurely grab Spike by the front of his pants and jerk the vampire's hips against his. And he could take a whiff, in the sexy hyena!Xander fashion, then slowly lean in as if to nip Spike's ear. Instead he'd say--smooth, like white backs and red tongues and so much promise, "You smell like sex." Spike'd snort. "Made've sex, love. Sex personified. Sex made flesh. Or did you forget it and me've been declared synonymous, now?"
Dude! I just wrote S/X! *feels proud*
*
And now for something completely different. Or okay, tangentially related, but not really.
I want to do a Bad!fic Ficathon. Actually, I want to do a Reclaim Fandom From Its Percieved Takeover By What You Percieve As Bad!fic Ficathon. RFFIPTBWYPABF!F for short. It's not about writing bad!fic, though that would be fun. It's taking an idea that you personally think can only end in bad (start with bad! *snorfle* I'm so clever!) and making it good.
Because I actually don't believe there are bad ideas, only bad writers and bad execution. I want to see writers:
a. write something they've seen and sneered at, or thought couldn't be done well, but then DO IT and DO IT WELL,
b. write utter crack, UTTERLY CRACKTASTIC CRACK, and make it wonderful and beautiful and something everyone would love reading, and not through the powers of Xander's Magic Cock, but through powerful writing and plot and thought even if Angel IS wearing a toutou as Spike foresaw in "In The Dark," or
c. write some other thing that takes ideas and methods that you consider "bad" and uses them for good.
(On that last one: for instance, I'm dying to write this fic where Spike gets trapped in an AU where he's a princess and beefy Angel is beating him black and blue with omg, alliteration, where the Real Angel is forced to go save Spike. Of course, the Real Angel would only point and laugh and keep Spikella on picture-in-picture with a hockey game, and point and laugh some more while drinking otter blood in a leather chair. BUT OTTER BLOOD IS NOT THE POINT! I WOULD MAKE ANGEL SAVE THE PRINCESS AND I WOULD MAKE IT GOOD!)
So, um, anyone interested?
ETA: I should add, I don't enter ficathons. I can't. It's beyond me. But I would run one. How hypocritical and perverse is that?
Either this stuff gets off my chest,
Angel does not have wide hips. I suspect that those of you who have said his hips are wide have said so because it is a "standard of beauty." This is a standard of feminine beauty, usually. (Unless you're Joss Whedon. Does Faith's, Inara's, and Gwen's lack of hippage make anyone else wince? The girl's are gorgeous, and hot, but . . . there's no grip!) Anyway, DB has the *narrowest* hips since the triangle was inverted.
Spike's cheekbones cannot cut anything. Spike's cheekbones have never appeared on midnight infomercials. They do not slice. They do not dice. You cannot get a free blowjob when you order them Stricken due to quick perusal of Ebay. Apparently, you can.
Xander never had washboard abs. And okay, even if he did in s4 (or was it 5?) when NB looked so good and they were doing his hair right, YOU COULD NOT WASH DISHES ON HIM. Spike doesn't even *wash* the damn dishes. Unless you're in a femmenerd fic in which she'd so work it.
Angel is pale. Paler than most people. If you call him tan, even in all-human crack AUs, OZ WILL HUNT YOU DOWN.
Let's all admit it right now. Spike is not only sexy, he is Teh Sex. But how many times do you have to say in a fic, Spike is made of sex, Spike is sex personified, Spike is sex made flesh? Even germaine_pet herself can only get away with an innocent little Spike's an intensely sexual creature here or there, but YOU probably shouldn't even try. Yes YOU. YOU WHO IS READING THIS RIGHT NOW. Including me because I just wrote that right now. (Who wants to know if germaine_pet just read that right now and had an out of body moment of existential crisis before regaining her sense of identity and floating back to earth on a cloud made of . . . of . . . SEX? I WANT TO KNOW, PERSONALLY. *boggles*)
I have difficulty with the idea of Angel having "thick" lips. Brangelina have enough lip to create a third lip country of their own where children unfortunate enough to have been born with poor lips get an extra third lip courtesy of Brangelina themselves. Gunn and Faith have a loveshack there, but ANGEL DOES NOT LIVE THERE. But Spike does when he does the lip thing. YOU KNOW THE LIP THING I'M TALKING ABOUT.
Speaking of which, Spike, TAKE OFF THOSE LIPS AND GIVE CUPID BACK HIS BOW, YOU DAMN THEIF, GEEZ.
Spike is not taller than Wesley.
For once I'd like Angel's hair to be to be prickley, slightly course, and sticky with gel, instead of silky. For once I'd like Spike's hair to be hard and caked and slightly uncomfortable to grab, instead of . . . silky. The next time I read about anyone sinking their hands into S2-6's Spike's hair KEN DOLLS WILL HUNT YOU DOWN.
Spike's eyes are not chips. Not of saphires and not of ice. They are not sour cream n' onion flavored, they are not BBQ, they are not salt and vinegar, and they do not pass go. And yes, I know he's from England, and you know what? SPIKE'S EYES STILL DON'T COME WITH FISH!
Buffy HAS and ass. God, I love it.
Xander's lips are not often cherry red. His eyes are quite chocolately, I'll give you that because I am generous and made of sweetness and light, but THERE IS NO CHERRY ON TOP OF THIS SUNDAE, SNOOKUMS. EAT IT AND LOVE IT.
I don't know about you guys, but cigarette smoke trumps both leather and the slight tang of whiskey, sorry, unless you have super vamp senses. WHICH XANDER DOESN'T!
eta: Though if it's S4, or your AU in which S & X are lovers, and assuming Xander let's Spike smoke in the basement/apartment/loveshack, Xander might very well have become acclimated. In which case, he could smell Spike's leather and whiskey smells. He could also smell Spike's demon goo, hair gel and come. And he could leisurely grab Spike by the front of his pants and jerk the vampire's hips against his. And he could take a whiff, in the sexy hyena!Xander fashion, then slowly lean in as if to nip Spike's ear. Instead he'd say--smooth, like white backs and red tongues and so much promise, "You smell like sex." Spike'd snort. "Made've sex, love. Sex personified. Sex made flesh. Or did you forget it and me've been declared synonymous, now?"
Dude! I just wrote S/X! *feels proud*
*
And now for something completely different. Or okay, tangentially related, but not really.
I want to do a Bad!fic Ficathon. Actually, I want to do a Reclaim Fandom From Its Percieved Takeover By What You Percieve As Bad!fic Ficathon. RFFIPTBWYPABF!F for short. It's not about writing bad!fic, though that would be fun. It's taking an idea that you personally think can only end in bad (start with bad! *snorfle* I'm so clever!) and making it good.
Because I actually don't believe there are bad ideas, only bad writers and bad execution. I want to see writers:
a. write something they've seen and sneered at, or thought couldn't be done well, but then DO IT and DO IT WELL,
b. write utter crack, UTTERLY CRACKTASTIC CRACK, and make it wonderful and beautiful and something everyone would love reading, and not through the powers of Xander's Magic Cock, but through powerful writing and plot and thought even if Angel IS wearing a toutou as Spike foresaw in "In The Dark," or
c. write some other thing that takes ideas and methods that you consider "bad" and uses them for good.
(On that last one: for instance, I'm dying to write this fic where Spike gets trapped in an AU where he's a princess and beefy Angel is beating him black and blue with omg, alliteration, where the Real Angel is forced to go save Spike. Of course, the Real Angel would only point and laugh and keep Spikella on picture-in-picture with a hockey game, and point and laugh some more while drinking otter blood in a leather chair. BUT OTTER BLOOD IS NOT THE POINT! I WOULD MAKE ANGEL SAVE THE PRINCESS AND I WOULD MAKE IT GOOD!)
So, um, anyone interested?
ETA: I should add, I don't enter ficathons. I can't. It's beyond me. But I would run one. How hypocritical and perverse is that?