Ditto what khalulu said. You're one of the most interesting, passionately thoughtful people I know in fandom, and parts of this post made me very melancholy thinking about the extent to which I fail at expressing my appreciation for people, like you, who are so fiercely alive and engaged with the things I care about. :((((((
I can't say for sure that I would read your 20K fic. I'm very pairing based, and within that I am emotionally cautious about what I allow myself to read. But I hate that you wouldn't post it, especially if it's because it seems to you that no one cares. I do think that inside LJ it's impossible to know what impact one has on other people. There are so many people who care deeply, but lurk for many reasons. I've been like that sometimes, though not often, and rarely anymore. One month recently on my LJ I had 392 non-LJ-users (or non-logged in users, at least) go to my entries. Who were these people? How did they hear about me? What did they think? It's a total mystery to me because in my mind I am posting for my compact flist, a subset of which comments. I have a low traffic journal, or so I think until I look at my stats. (And I know that 400 would be low for higher profile people; for me, though, it's LARGE). I guess my point is that you don't know who cares, or how many do, which isn't great, but it is what it is.
Abrupt change of topic: I dreamed last night that freece posted...LOL that's what passes for compelling, fervent fantasy in my dreamlife these days.
Also, oh, dude, I'm sorry. I'll edit the post. I didn't mean to make it seem like whine whine no one cares. I have this problem of being unwilling to speak unless to say something to impress the whole room. This is my own problem, not anyone else's, and when I get into a new fandom (...basically a new room...) it gets multiplied tenfold. I am aware that there are people online who care what I think. I just sometimes feel like no one is listening to me, and it means that when I get into a new fandom I often don't talk about it. I should also mention that while the above is my normal route for getting into a fandom, it didn't happen that way with H/D.
I hate that you wouldn't post it, especially if it's because it seems to you that no one cares.
The 20K fics of which I speak (there are many) don't get posted because they're WIPs. I find that 20-30,000 words is my first stumbling block on the road to the long form fics I mentioned. By long form, I mean 100-300,000 word stories. I've only ever actually written one fic that long, and it's still not done. But in general when I get in fandoms I START writing fics that would--realistically, if I actually finished them--be that long, and then I get bored and don't finish them. I actually have one H/D fic that I started that was my very first H/D fic; it was 50K and would really have been close to 300 had I finished it, but I have no desire to finish it or share it with anyone. This isn't because I think no one's interested, but because it's unfinished and actually very bad.
I guess my point is that you don't know who cares, or how many do, which isn't great, but it is what it is.
I agree. Again, I meant to refer to what I feel about who reads my journal, which is different than what is actually happening. For me, this is a self confidence issue. If I had a million readers I would wonder why I didn't have two million; I'm just that sort of person (i.e. self-involved). It is that emotion, though, that often prevents me from participating.
I dreamed last night that freece posted...LOL that's what passes for compelling, fervent fantasy in my dreamlife these days.
That is a compelling fervent fantasy of mine as well.
Glad I misunderstood. :)) I might have been a little too ready to think the worst because there's someone on my flist who's been slipping into a major depressive episode and of course the issue of readership and response is always there even for confident people.
It's hard to navigate the getting-into-a-new-fandom thing on LJ. I've got my toes in several, but my flist is predominantly (though not totally) H/D. I feel constrained about posting things I know the majority of people won't give a shit about. So I end up, when I do a rec post, making sure there's some H/D in there. And then when people from the new fandom check out your journal, it doesn't look very invested in that new fandom. Awkward. I have several friends who started new journals for their new fandom involvement.
Although I seem to have almost completely misinterpreted your post, it did lead me to think about my own actions in keeping a sense of community--of a listening community--going, through comments and conversations. And that's good.
I can't say for sure that I would read your 20K fic. I'm very pairing based, and within that I am emotionally cautious about what I allow myself to read. But I hate that you wouldn't post it, especially if it's because it seems to you that no one cares. I do think that inside LJ it's impossible to know what impact one has on other people. There are so many people who care deeply, but lurk for many reasons. I've been like that sometimes, though not often, and rarely anymore. One month recently on my LJ I had 392 non-LJ-users (or non-logged in users, at least) go to my entries. Who were these people? How did they hear about me? What did they think? It's a total mystery to me because in my mind I am posting for my compact flist, a subset of which comments. I have a low traffic journal, or so I think until I look at my stats. (And I know that 400 would be low for higher profile people; for me, though, it's LARGE). I guess my point is that you don't know who cares, or how many do, which isn't great, but it is what it is.
Abrupt change of topic: I dreamed last night that freece posted...LOL that's what passes for compelling, fervent fantasy in my dreamlife these days.
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Also, oh, dude, I'm sorry. I'll edit the post. I didn't mean to make it seem like whine whine no one cares. I have this problem of being unwilling to speak unless to say something to impress the whole room. This is my own problem, not anyone else's, and when I get into a new fandom (...basically a new room...) it gets multiplied tenfold. I am aware that there are people online who care what I think. I just sometimes feel like no one is listening to me, and it means that when I get into a new fandom I often don't talk about it. I should also mention that while the above is my normal route for getting into a fandom, it didn't happen that way with H/D.
I hate that you wouldn't post it, especially if it's because it seems to you that no one cares.
The 20K fics of which I speak (there are many) don't get posted because they're WIPs. I find that 20-30,000 words is my first stumbling block on the road to the long form fics I mentioned. By long form, I mean 100-300,000 word stories. I've only ever actually written one fic that long, and it's still not done. But in general when I get in fandoms I START writing fics that would--realistically, if I actually finished them--be that long, and then I get bored and don't finish them. I actually have one H/D fic that I started that was my very first H/D fic; it was 50K and would really have been close to 300 had I finished it, but I have no desire to finish it or share it with anyone. This isn't because I think no one's interested, but because it's unfinished and actually very bad.
I guess my point is that you don't know who cares, or how many do, which isn't great, but it is what it is.
I agree. Again, I meant to refer to what I feel about who reads my journal, which is different than what is actually happening. For me, this is a self confidence issue. If I had a million readers I would wonder why I didn't have two million; I'm just that sort of person (i.e. self-involved). It is that emotion, though, that often prevents me from participating.
I dreamed last night that freece posted...LOL that's what passes for compelling, fervent fantasy in my dreamlife these days.
That is a compelling fervent fantasy of mine as well.
Reply
It's hard to navigate the getting-into-a-new-fandom thing on LJ. I've got my toes in several, but my flist is predominantly (though not totally) H/D. I feel constrained about posting things I know the majority of people won't give a shit about. So I end up, when I do a rec post, making sure there's some H/D in there. And then when people from the new fandom check out your journal, it doesn't look very invested in that new fandom. Awkward. I have several friends who started new journals for their new fandom involvement.
Although I seem to have almost completely misinterpreted your post, it did lead me to think about my own actions in keeping a sense of community--of a listening community--going, through comments and conversations. And that's good.
Reply
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