(no subject)
Some feelings:
I want to stop saying sorry. This doesn't mean i want to stop apologizing for things that deserve apologizing over. I should work on getting better at that too. My sincere apologizes tend to sound mechanic and aggressive. However “sorry” spills out of my mouth at least a dozen times a day over things like opinions and people bumping into me. It’s always quiet and shy and begging others to let like me.
I’m sorry because I want a refill at a restaurant
Or because I got excited about something.
What kills me is I know strangers don’t mind, it’s polite when you don’t see it as a verbal tick.
I can feel it crushing relationships though. It should, too. I was just reading a passage about this perpetual need to apologize, and I realized that for me it’s more asking permission for things to continue, for me to be me, to acknowledge that I’m taking someone valuable time.
Because to me everyone’s time is valuable but my own. A coworker asks about wall decal strips and I go on an exhaustive google search that lasts half a shift. In the process I stop looking up my books for the upcoming semester.
I want to feel safe and secure in all of these important relationships, but I feel like more of an imposition to the people l love in DC and Chicago. I don’t have real problems, I have feelings I’m awful at expressing. If I’m not apologizing I’m thanking people for putting up with me.
The last three people hated that wording.
I don’t’ think I was always this bad. I really don’t. My first instinct wasn’t always to apologize for existing and thanking people for listening for ten minute chunks. I don’t know that I always started sentences with “yeah here’s what I did wrong but I want to talk about XYZ so I have to acknowledge it.”
I’m writing this all out to try and help me understand it. I don’t know if it comes from last fall, and being so in the wrong, and needing forgiveness from that. It might involve how introspective school made me, and how having these really important goals changed me, and realizing that those same goals were so boring to so many people made me want to shut up.
I truly want to hear about the minor parts of so many people’s lives and assume no one wants to hear about mine.
Maybe they don’t tho?
I digress.
I want to stop saying sorry over everything. I do want apologizes to mean something coming out of my mouth. I want to stop aggravating the people I talk to by assuming I bug them.
I don’t know how to do any of this.
I want to stop saying sorry. This doesn't mean i want to stop apologizing for things that deserve apologizing over. I should work on getting better at that too. My sincere apologizes tend to sound mechanic and aggressive. However “sorry” spills out of my mouth at least a dozen times a day over things like opinions and people bumping into me. It’s always quiet and shy and begging others to let like me.
I’m sorry because I want a refill at a restaurant
Or because I got excited about something.
What kills me is I know strangers don’t mind, it’s polite when you don’t see it as a verbal tick.
I can feel it crushing relationships though. It should, too. I was just reading a passage about this perpetual need to apologize, and I realized that for me it’s more asking permission for things to continue, for me to be me, to acknowledge that I’m taking someone valuable time.
Because to me everyone’s time is valuable but my own. A coworker asks about wall decal strips and I go on an exhaustive google search that lasts half a shift. In the process I stop looking up my books for the upcoming semester.
I want to feel safe and secure in all of these important relationships, but I feel like more of an imposition to the people l love in DC and Chicago. I don’t have real problems, I have feelings I’m awful at expressing. If I’m not apologizing I’m thanking people for putting up with me.
The last three people hated that wording.
I don’t’ think I was always this bad. I really don’t. My first instinct wasn’t always to apologize for existing and thanking people for listening for ten minute chunks. I don’t know that I always started sentences with “yeah here’s what I did wrong but I want to talk about XYZ so I have to acknowledge it.”
I’m writing this all out to try and help me understand it. I don’t know if it comes from last fall, and being so in the wrong, and needing forgiveness from that. It might involve how introspective school made me, and how having these really important goals changed me, and realizing that those same goals were so boring to so many people made me want to shut up.
I truly want to hear about the minor parts of so many people’s lives and assume no one wants to hear about mine.
Maybe they don’t tho?
I digress.
I want to stop saying sorry over everything. I do want apologizes to mean something coming out of my mouth. I want to stop aggravating the people I talk to by assuming I bug them.
I don’t know how to do any of this.