(no subject)
I keep saying things like "I'm going to be productive" to myself, and then I am - sort of. I still haven't finished my last paper of the semester, and there's a presentation i haven't started. My room is cleaner, tho. I feel slightly more organized. I went to the gym.
I'm just in a bit of a funk. I feel needy, and i don't want to be needy. I don't want to want attention. I like being my nice introverted self. I miss writing, and reading. I'm trying to do a bit more of each, but i keep stopping myself. I ran hard for half an hour trying to clear my head, and then instead of going home i drove around this suburban ciggerette burn on a map. I listened to Lorde while trying to figure out what I actually want. i couldn't come up with an answer that made any real sense.
Earlier I started thinking about why I wanted to lose weight, and how i wanted to prove i could do it for myself. But really when i started i was angry at people i'd concidered good friends and didn't have the confidence to meet new people looking like i did. Now I hate getting hit on at work, and catcalled when i walk through the mall. It's weird to get attention from complete strangers when i'm used to being completely ignored. I resent the fact that a guy basically said to my face today "You used to be unattractive but now you're kinda okay." or that I am still getting so many comments about not wearing a wedding ring that I've had very real thoughts about going out and buying a fake one. I don't know if that last one is so common because the people i deal with on a regular bases are basically required to stare at my hands? I kind of hope it is because i find it really unsettling. I miss having the glass up at work very much lately, and it's less because i'm afraid of being robbed than because i value my personal space and these older men super don't.
These aren't specific to me problems, i guess i'm just surpirsed i'm finally having them, and more so how much they're upsetting me.
I'm just in a bit of a funk. I feel needy, and i don't want to be needy. I don't want to want attention. I like being my nice introverted self. I miss writing, and reading. I'm trying to do a bit more of each, but i keep stopping myself. I ran hard for half an hour trying to clear my head, and then instead of going home i drove around this suburban ciggerette burn on a map. I listened to Lorde while trying to figure out what I actually want. i couldn't come up with an answer that made any real sense.
Earlier I started thinking about why I wanted to lose weight, and how i wanted to prove i could do it for myself. But really when i started i was angry at people i'd concidered good friends and didn't have the confidence to meet new people looking like i did. Now I hate getting hit on at work, and catcalled when i walk through the mall. It's weird to get attention from complete strangers when i'm used to being completely ignored. I resent the fact that a guy basically said to my face today "You used to be unattractive but now you're kinda okay." or that I am still getting so many comments about not wearing a wedding ring that I've had very real thoughts about going out and buying a fake one. I don't know if that last one is so common because the people i deal with on a regular bases are basically required to stare at my hands? I kind of hope it is because i find it really unsettling. I miss having the glass up at work very much lately, and it's less because i'm afraid of being robbed than because i value my personal space and these older men super don't.
These aren't specific to me problems, i guess i'm just surpirsed i'm finally having them, and more so how much they're upsetting me.