(no subject)
whenever i feel upset, either from saddness or anger, i get really frustrated and hot all of a sudden, and i like to take cold showers.
not freezing cold, but just a few degrees below luke warm.
just to the point where if a breeze should come by, and i would otherwise normally get a chill, it feels completely relxaing.
i stand in one spot and just feel the water on my skin.
to the point where if i stand there long enough, i can feel each individual stream and it starts to feel numb and almost hurt.
but it feels soothing.
it's better than whatever im thinking in my head at the moment.
today's topic in my head: am i a terrible person?
i mean i understand that i can have my moments just like everyone else, but i feel like lately more than anything im being a bad person and i dont know why. maybe i'm being over critical of myself, which i do often, but i feel the bombarment of so many things lately that i just crave to have a simple life.
the kind of life where if i feel like it, sit around by myself and order chinese food and watch endless episodes of law and order and be content.
the kind of life where i can spend an extra $2.59 at the grocery store for a pack of cranraisins not because i need them, but because i enjoy them and they seem to put the smallest thought of simplistic happiness in my head. and maybe even a small smile on my face.
the kind of life where i can im excited about doing my laundry because i am doing it just how i like it. and feeling so accomplished after because it's part of living the way i like.
the kind where i can sit and do a crossword puzzle until i finish it by myself and not have to look in the back for the answers. just taking the time to do it and enjoy it.
the kind where i can decide to do something spontaneous and not feel the least bit guilty because it's what i want to do. where i don't have to think twice about someone taking something i do the wrong way because i'm actually not a bad person.
the kind where i can buy myself something new once in a while not because i need it but because i've wanted it and it makes me happy that i can do that for myself.
where i can go to the movies alone if i want and not feel bad about it because im enjoying something i want to see whether or not others want to see it too.
is it so much to ask for things like this? no it's not, but it's hard to achieve just what you want. i feel like i give too much of myself up. the things i really enjoy. i sacrifice lots to people that i really shouldn't and in turn, make myself less happy. i just ask to live simply. or better yet, simply live. the way i want. so i can be happy. im not asking for ecstatic, just content. i feel like this is far beyond my reach at this point. i feel almost helpless.
not freezing cold, but just a few degrees below luke warm.
just to the point where if a breeze should come by, and i would otherwise normally get a chill, it feels completely relxaing.
i stand in one spot and just feel the water on my skin.
to the point where if i stand there long enough, i can feel each individual stream and it starts to feel numb and almost hurt.
but it feels soothing.
it's better than whatever im thinking in my head at the moment.
today's topic in my head: am i a terrible person?
i mean i understand that i can have my moments just like everyone else, but i feel like lately more than anything im being a bad person and i dont know why. maybe i'm being over critical of myself, which i do often, but i feel the bombarment of so many things lately that i just crave to have a simple life.
the kind of life where if i feel like it, sit around by myself and order chinese food and watch endless episodes of law and order and be content.
the kind of life where i can spend an extra $2.59 at the grocery store for a pack of cranraisins not because i need them, but because i enjoy them and they seem to put the smallest thought of simplistic happiness in my head. and maybe even a small smile on my face.
the kind of life where i can im excited about doing my laundry because i am doing it just how i like it. and feeling so accomplished after because it's part of living the way i like.
the kind where i can sit and do a crossword puzzle until i finish it by myself and not have to look in the back for the answers. just taking the time to do it and enjoy it.
the kind where i can decide to do something spontaneous and not feel the least bit guilty because it's what i want to do. where i don't have to think twice about someone taking something i do the wrong way because i'm actually not a bad person.
the kind where i can buy myself something new once in a while not because i need it but because i've wanted it and it makes me happy that i can do that for myself.
where i can go to the movies alone if i want and not feel bad about it because im enjoying something i want to see whether or not others want to see it too.
is it so much to ask for things like this? no it's not, but it's hard to achieve just what you want. i feel like i give too much of myself up. the things i really enjoy. i sacrifice lots to people that i really shouldn't and in turn, make myself less happy. i just ask to live simply. or better yet, simply live. the way i want. so i can be happy. im not asking for ecstatic, just content. i feel like this is far beyond my reach at this point. i feel almost helpless.