just_muse_me 27.7.2.
FIVE times you loved and lost, and one you would do anything to hang on to
One thing that how messed up Reid's parents are doesn't do to him is shut him off from love.
Maybe it's because he's always known that, even with the silences, the tension, and the non-fights, they do, or at least once did, love each other. Or maybe, much more likely, because he had examples elsewhere but still close to home. His boys, who, even when they had misunderstandings, never have anything but loved him back. And even their parents, in turn, have shown him how things can be. How they should be.
How when the heart speaks, the rest might not matter.
He gets his heat from his father, along with the rest of the complicated package that comes down with his name. He gets his strength of will from his mother, strength to persevere and stand against whatever odds. But tempered.
It's easy for him to fall in love. And mean it, and even when he bounces up, his heart is bleeding no less. But, most of the time, he knows that the only thing that can heal a broken heart is love. So, he loves.
Sometimes, he even says it.
One
She was lanky and bony and awkward, but then again, even with the swimming and some muscle to him because of it, so was, kind of, he. She was in love with somebody (not-Reid somebody), he had a huge crush on the beauty of the class (who was making sweet eyes in Caleb's direction, not that he seemed to be noticing, quite then), and it seemed like, well, trying this out for the first time was the logical thing to do. Since even talking to the people they actually wanted was embarrassing enough on any topic - let alone suggesting what they wanted! - but they could talk to each other and such.
It was strange and fumbly and, well, despite the occasional time when he and the guys had sucked each other off (that was different. They were his boys, and it wasn't anything like dating, at any rate!), it took a little time to figure things out for real (as opposed to the books and drawings and such). It hurt her, although once he really registered that was the case, he took it easy, and it didn't seem too bad; when he was pressing fully in, just for a moment, it hurt him, too, condom and all, just being the skin being pulled away further than it had before; and then it wasn't hurting, and he barely kissed her (because, they weren't dating, right? Except it was a little different than with the boys, so there was some kissing), and it was over sort of too soon, but she stayed wrapped around him for a few moments as he was shaking, finishing off, and then she curled against him like that, and it felt nice.
And they gave it another try. Or two. Or several, until it seemed to be working kind of decently for the both of them. Finding out that some things made it better, others made it meh, and some, uh, ended up in things finishing a bit too soon, but after the first time, it tended to not be that bad.
Then they talked about it, and decided that had been fun, and it was okay. And the next day Reid saw Lena awkwardly, but with a kind of a glow, perched on the arm of the guy she'd had a crush on in the first place, and he realized that something wasn't right.
Somehow, he found out, she'd managed to sneak under his skin, and he'd not caught up to it until, well, she was barely talking with him. Of course, they saw each other around Spenser - dorms, classes, whatever - but they were not doing anything anymore, and they were definitely not dating (not that they ever had), but every time she left the room, his heart had this habit of squeezing in his chest.
He hated it.
But not her.
Two
Angie, he was crushing on so hard to begin with that he could hardly keep his head straight.
She had beautiful, midnight-black hair that fell down to the middle of her back and always was brushed so well that it shone. Pale face, almost luminescent, with large gray eyes and full lips that she tended to wear too much lipstick on, but hey, whatever worked for her, and hell did she ever work for him.
And then he somehow worked up the gall to ask her out, and to his surprise, the large gray eyes lit up and she smiled and said yes! And then he got a chance (well, a few chances, since it wasn't just one date!) to see how her hair spilled over her shoulders when she laughed, and how she threw her head to the side, just so, when she giggled. To feel how her fingertips felt on his skin, and to feel the rush as she whispered in his ear little words of appreciation until he was pretty much begging to please her any way she wished.
He got a chance to tell her how much she meant to him, and to show it to her - and got in return wide-eyes, sincere answers that it's where she wanted to be, that yes, she wanted to date him - and do the rest of what they did - just as much. She'd run her fingers through his hair, and her lips along the side of his neck, and he'd be like putty in her hands.
Which was why his eyes went round and big and startled, just about matching Tyler's, when he told him what she'd tried.
He didn't even have the strength of will to believe or disbelieve, not that he could disbelieve his best friend in the world's words, or his sincerity, or the sulk with which she denied it. But there had also been witnesses.
Tyler found him in their room, curled up on such a tight ball on his bed that it took him a few moments to coax the blond head up enough to be able to apologize. Reid just shook his head and told him - it hadn't been his fault. That he'd done well to tell him, he'd much rather know than, ugh. Not. That was true and what Reid thought and felt. Except what he felt even more was the hurt of her betrayal.
He curled up against Tyler's chest like a baby, that night (and later had a chance to cling to Pogue, too, with Caleb fussing around all three of them), and his humor was ten kinds of scathing the next day, and many more days to come.
Especially if she could hear.
It wasn't just the betrayal that hurt.
Three
Considering, well, the boys, it would be stupid to say that Reid was, well, straight. But he did have a preference for girls, that being mostly that he'd notice a hot girl just visually, why a guy tended to need to be interesting first, before he'd think of checking him out. That's how the blond worked.
And Zach, well, Zach was the full package. Personality, outgoing, funny, upshooting in pre-law but that didn't make his nose upturned on people or anything like that. Just another aspect of his brilliance.
And he was hot.
Really Harvard brochure material. Even more, the sparkling sense of humor totally got Reid's attention. They tease-hit on each other for a while, before they got clear that, yes, both were willing; and then they were dating, and the blond was bouncing with excitement. Almost happiness, yes, he had managed to crush onto the other boy pretty badly already, but hey, things were working out, so it couldn't be too bad, right?
Wrong.
They weren't quite up to four weeks when Zach pulled away from one of the kisses, hen pulled fully back.
"Hey. What's the matter?"
"I can't."
Reid frowned. "What do you mean-- you-- it's good, isn't it?"
Zach startled him by actually glaring. "It's too good, too much, dammit. You're... I thought that when we'd been ... together, you'd calm down, settle down from the, whatever, courting, showing off bright plumage as was going on before. But you didn't. You're just like that, and I can see people who've known you longer aren't surprised by how you are. But you're... too loud, too forceful. Too fucking open all the time."
Reid tried to say something, but was talked down.
"I mean, even about us, Reid. You're... you're carrying on as if we're doing nothing wrong, like it's alright and acceptable and fine."
"But it i--"
"No. It's not! It's... it's a ... it's shameful. It's supposed to be... to be a secret, dammit."
"Is that what you really--"
"Shameful secret." Familiar, loved dark eyes boring into his. "I can't." Quieter, pulling further way. "I can't deal with just walking around exposed like that." Tiny pause, then he turned and started leaving, throwing behind his shoulder, "don't try to call me, Reid."
"Zach, wait--"
"Shut up and let go, man."
"But how can I fix if you l--"
"I told you, shut up."
There was enough... chill in his voice that Reid winced. Tried to come up with something to say, and by the time he'd thought of anything, the room's door had shut behind his bo-- his ex-boyfriend's back.
He was standing in the middle of his and Reid's room, blinking at the wall, at the door. Then he stumbled back in the direction of the bed, blindly, backwards, and then flopped on it, arms unconsciously going around his stomach, shoulders hunching. And he did finish into the empty room, eyes wide and startled and hurt and confused. "But how can I fix any of it if you leave and don't give me a chance?"
A small voice in the back of his mind offered that Zach wasn't as interested in fixing anything as he was. That Reid had come to care for him... and maybe more, while Zach had just been indulging in something he thought wrong and he--
You can't lose something you never had, then, right?
Yeah. Right.
Ow.
He hated that small voice with a fiery passion right now.
Four
Reid had only been gone for a semester. It was a stupid residence, and Tyler had to finish his grad school before he could get anywhere else, and neither of them had liked it (like there weren't reasons that they'd ended up finding a place where they both could be), but there wasn't much that could be done about it and he'd been fucking looking forward to the end of the thing and going back and things getting back to normal, to how they should be--
Except they weren't.
Not that he had any doubt Tyler was happy, really happy to see him, and god, just seeing the familiar blue eyes light up and his face glow and that he was just fine was super. Not to mention burrowing against him, that alone was more than a little like coming home, never mind where they were.
"You okay?" Familiar, bright voice; genuine question in his tone, and strong familiar arms holding him just so.
"Am now."
And the smile, right on cue, he didn't need to even look up to know it was there. Because he could feel it in the way his fingers tightened into his shirt, he could hear it in his voice. "Good."
And so they were, just for a few moments, no letting go.
Then tiny details started seeping through to Reid. The quarter of an inch of distance - too easy to be on purpose or something's-wrong, too consistent to not notice it - between their hips, for example. Things.
When he had enough ... will to lean back enough to bring each other's faces back into focus, his eyebrow rose, and his answering smile was just a smidgen ... not disappointed, but surprised. "Seeing somebody?"
And then Tyler's face glowed again, a bit of a blush tinging his cheeks, the heat barely not felt from how close Reid's skin was. "Oh yeah."
It was that second glow that made Reid blink, and a chill breeze through him.
And it kept on coming back.
Tyler was dating a guy. That was more unusual than Reid dating a guy, actually; Ty'd been with almost exclusively girls.
And me. Well, technically he hadn't been seeing him, either, and he might have fooled around with any of them... or maybe not? Reid didn't know - right now, he wasn't sure he wanted to. Right now, he knew that Tyler, his Ty, was head over heels in love with this Marc, and he just--
Wanted. That. Like it had been before he left.
Except it wasn't going to be now.
He could feel those words buzzing between Tyler and Marc, the words that he hadn't spoken because, well, it was easier if they were just fooling around, right? Even if they chose to go to the same place so they could still room and everything. He could hear the soft sigh after a kiss - on the lips, where he wouldn't... he hadn't.
Unlike Reid, Marc was ... had. Committed. Given in to Tyler and taken him in completely, and now that he couldn't give it, Reid could see how much Tyler had wanted or needed that. He hadn't seen it, he hadn't done it.
And now it was too late and he'd lost--
Even the happiness glowing in his best friend's eyes couldn't quite fix it. Couldn't quite melt the icy clutch against his heart. It had no trace of anger, this time, well, none except for against himself. But it hurt, because his Tyler... wasn't.
When Marc just up and left Tyler broken down behind, Reid and Simona had just moved past the maximum alloted dating time of the blond and had decided to give it an actual try. And then his best friend was hurting, and she got it, and let him spend time with him to ease him away from whatever shit was filling his mind.
Three fucking years. That kind of time left a guy empty, gutted.
And Reid gave his damnedest best to pull his best friend away from that, because, dammit, his Ty. He'd given all that could be given, he'd been the way he was, he'd not cheated, it had been just fucking right, and the pretty moron had up and left and dumped it all on Tyler with a 'you didn't do it right.'
Well, fuck that noise.
And he still wanted to tell him. Really tell him that he loved him, had for a long time. But it didn't matter, it couldn't help now. Saying it would just shit things up even worse.
But he sure could show it.
Even if, just as that day when he came back, he knew. One way of the many ways that they fit together was lost. And they'd always be just out of phase enough to be unable to get it back. And that sucked donkey balls.
Or at least it sucked away a general smattering of Reid's usually insuppressible laughter. Not that he thought it would ever run out.
But they were still best friends in the whole world. That was never going away. Ever.
Five
Simona.
Reid had kind of moved a little past the one-time-of-six-weeks dating period, but he still rarely topped two months. When they neared that, he started looking for signs that she might do the usual thing and jilt him, but they weren't there. So he sort of manned up and asked.
And for the first time in a long while, he and the person he was dating sat down and talked about things.
It felt freaking nice, actually. Put things on the table. (Well, not all things. He couldn't bring himself to tell her about his powers, but he figured, if this would work out, he could... eventually?) Figure out, yeah, well, I've been jilted before, you've had so and so experience, what do you want, because, well, I don't wanna just go and leave this because dammit, yeah, I think I love you. And she was good with it, too, and yeah, just being able to talk and not be flipped over or given the cold shoulder about it was hopeful, and made him realize that those weren't just empty words or a quick crush, he did mean them.
And they tried. Over the following year and a half, they did try. They had ups and downs and in-betweens and sweet times and hard times, just like any normal couple (hell, they were, practically, a normal couple, how's that, Reid?).
But... she wore thin.
His constant energy and bounce and things to do - his work, his boys, all the things he wanted and did do... it was a little more than she, even after a couple of months, had thought it would be. And he did work on being considerate, on not dragging her along every little thing he was doing.
And with time, she learned to pace herself and kind of keep up, and actually enjoy what he did all over again.
Except all the time and effort before that...
They sat down and talked, again. She'd ran out of something, she said. Still loved him and wanted him happy, and yes, she knew he still loved her, but she couldn't... go on. There wasn't enough of something left, and forcing it wouldn't help it. And she wished him very happy. And told him things that he could work on for the ... for next time. That there was a confidence to him like he could do things that others couldn't that made it difficult for people to feel like they were his equal; the worse part being that, as far as she could tell over the time they'd been together, it wasn't an unfounded confidence, and that was damn confusing.
He somehow didn't flinch at that. Asked, if he would work on that, wouldn't she reconsider...
But she just leaned closer and kissed him, soft and sweet and light. And told him that he was a person who burned too brightly for just anyone. And if she stuck around closer, she'd just end up blind, blinded and confused and lost. And then she wouldn't be interesting to him, and it would hurt more.
They talked more. Then he saw her out the door, and turned back to his room, suddenly empty and much too bright and much too cold, and curled up on the bed, back against the headboard, legs drawn up so his chin was resting on his knees, and tried to think.
It wasn't coming, the gaping hole in his life chilling or draining away anything that made sense.
The only thing that he could think of was that maybe if he didn't, if he wouldn't Use, it would be better next time.
Finally
Not using didn't help much. The next person he dated flipped him off with 'you're cool and nice and all, but something's missing'; the one after that didn't bother to explain, just left him a little present and a note of good-bye, and he just didn't know what to do anymore. He'd gotten quieter after Simona; after that one, he almost completely shut up until people would talk to him, and then kind of kept it to the possible minimum. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that his boys would tune in; but then, they were all busy. Caleb with Chase and Mary; Pogue had his hand full, as always, with Kate. Tyler was figuring things out all over again with Marc, and things were looking better there, at least, and it brought a small almost-a-smile on Reid's lips when he thought about that.
But he just... hurt. Not good enough to keep any love of his own. And not Using for so long, not even for the smallest thing, didn't help.
Then there was this woman at work, older woman. Chronic condition, hopeless, and an additional infection that couldn't, just couldn't be treated properly because of the other condition, the pain of the latter worsening the morose discomfort of the former, and he stared at her card, she wasn't even one of his patients, but the hurt of it all just flipped him off, anger heated his eyes to amber and scarlet and then to burned black, and the secondary problem was just gone, the first clear breath she took in days the only thing that braced him against the emptiness with letting his power go.
He turned to go, and his eyes fell on the woman's daughter, tiny little figure who was staring at him like she knew, or at least knew something. "What did you do?"
She was little, but not a child, not much younger than him in years, really. He took a breath to deny he'd done anything, but something in the way her eyes were focused on him let him know it would be unwise. "Not... now."
"But you'll tell me later?"
He nodded, and barely kept from stumbling on his way out of the room.
That's how he met Anya.
***
They took their time. Or, well, he took his time to get back to feeling human, let alone close to feeling like himself. She was... there. Odd, and different, and small but fiercely determined. And curious.
It had been a long, long time since the last occasion anybody had been curious about him just so, not because he was doing something out of the ordinary to make sure he was noticed. Anybody other than the boys, at least. (God, they helped so much. Because even if they were all adults, grown up and each with his own life, they'd let him burrow and cling, and they'd shielded him and held him and melted away bits of the shards of ice that his world had been reduced to, until he could slowly start unwinding. Just like when they were kids and his mom had crashed his world. Again.)
But Anya... asked. And answered when he did, the blatant honesty surprising, but rather than startling and confusing him, right now refreshing.
She dragged him off to walks in which nothing happened but random conversation and him growing a taste for trying to bring out her rare real smiles and rarer laughter (she was odd, and socially awkward, and a bit off, but not in a bad way, hell, he was a bit off himself, and when you added to that the awareness of her mother's ... condition... yeah. Rare laughter indeed). She knitted him mittens, bringing him back to a happier, so much more careless time of his life when he wore them all the time; even leaving alone the fact that they felt so damn comfortable, the way Tyler's eyes lit when he saw him with them was great alone...
And she knew what he could do. And didn't freak out or try to tell everybody or try to make use of it or... anything. Just accepted it as one more way that he was, and prodded to find out more.
He registered her campaign for bringing the spark of him out again to counter his to make her laugh somewhat after he asked if he could kiss her and she agreed.
Reid couldn't pinpoint the moment when he fell in love with her, but he didn't try to hard, either. It just didn't seem that important.
***
He wasn't that late for the little boys-night-together thing, but he knew that their eyes were on him the moment he opened the door.
"What did you do, Reid?"
So he told them.
He saw panic and worry and concern and sadness and so many other things in their eyes. And yes, love, too. Not that he'd doubted.
They had questions, of course, and berating, and anger, a little.
And when he curled in against Tyler, exhausted, he could feel the hesitation in his friend's reaching to run his fingers in the newly grayed strands of his hair. Fear.
He'd Used. A lot.
Second time, practically, for her sake. Even if not particularly close together, it was still... big.
But he would let them know, he'd tell them as many times as he had to. He couldn't let her slip down the same road to slow, exhausting death that her mother had fallen into. For once in his life, he could do something to hold on to the person he loved, and loved him back, and hell to the cost to himself, he just couldn't not do it. So he had. Not stupidly or blindly or anything like that; he wouldn't have to do it again, he wasn't planning on falling into the trap of addiction, of becoming like Caleb's father, of making her lose him.
He'd just had to do it.
And he saw in the blue eyes and the hazel and the brown that they would come to see it, too. And even if the worry would probably never go away (he was almost the youngest among them... he shouldn't look like he was years and years older!), they'd be okay.
And Anya would still be a part of his life.
And maybe, just maybe, things would work out in the end.
Muse: Reid Garwin
Fandom: The Covenant
Word count: 4 261
A/N: I am not sure I'll be cross-posting this. At any rate, most of it is in the future; it is set in the so-called Cliffs of Insanity 'verse, it's not fluffy or funny. Tyler is their_babyboy, Pogue is lieutenantwitch, and Caleb is theirgoldenboy. All other characters are NPCs or without their own journals. Any who aren't mine are used with permission and lots of love. Some of those, the first two or three, for example, are valid across 'verses.
One thing that how messed up Reid's parents are doesn't do to him is shut him off from love.
Maybe it's because he's always known that, even with the silences, the tension, and the non-fights, they do, or at least once did, love each other. Or maybe, much more likely, because he had examples elsewhere but still close to home. His boys, who, even when they had misunderstandings, never have anything but loved him back. And even their parents, in turn, have shown him how things can be. How they should be.
How when the heart speaks, the rest might not matter.
He gets his heat from his father, along with the rest of the complicated package that comes down with his name. He gets his strength of will from his mother, strength to persevere and stand against whatever odds. But tempered.
It's easy for him to fall in love. And mean it, and even when he bounces up, his heart is bleeding no less. But, most of the time, he knows that the only thing that can heal a broken heart is love. So, he loves.
Sometimes, he even says it.
One
She was lanky and bony and awkward, but then again, even with the swimming and some muscle to him because of it, so was, kind of, he. She was in love with somebody (not-Reid somebody), he had a huge crush on the beauty of the class (who was making sweet eyes in Caleb's direction, not that he seemed to be noticing, quite then), and it seemed like, well, trying this out for the first time was the logical thing to do. Since even talking to the people they actually wanted was embarrassing enough on any topic - let alone suggesting what they wanted! - but they could talk to each other and such.
It was strange and fumbly and, well, despite the occasional time when he and the guys had sucked each other off (that was different. They were his boys, and it wasn't anything like dating, at any rate!), it took a little time to figure things out for real (as opposed to the books and drawings and such). It hurt her, although once he really registered that was the case, he took it easy, and it didn't seem too bad; when he was pressing fully in, just for a moment, it hurt him, too, condom and all, just being the skin being pulled away further than it had before; and then it wasn't hurting, and he barely kissed her (because, they weren't dating, right? Except it was a little different than with the boys, so there was some kissing), and it was over sort of too soon, but she stayed wrapped around him for a few moments as he was shaking, finishing off, and then she curled against him like that, and it felt nice.
And they gave it another try. Or two. Or several, until it seemed to be working kind of decently for the both of them. Finding out that some things made it better, others made it meh, and some, uh, ended up in things finishing a bit too soon, but after the first time, it tended to not be that bad.
Then they talked about it, and decided that had been fun, and it was okay. And the next day Reid saw Lena awkwardly, but with a kind of a glow, perched on the arm of the guy she'd had a crush on in the first place, and he realized that something wasn't right.
Somehow, he found out, she'd managed to sneak under his skin, and he'd not caught up to it until, well, she was barely talking with him. Of course, they saw each other around Spenser - dorms, classes, whatever - but they were not doing anything anymore, and they were definitely not dating (not that they ever had), but every time she left the room, his heart had this habit of squeezing in his chest.
He hated it.
But not her.
Two
Angie, he was crushing on so hard to begin with that he could hardly keep his head straight.
She had beautiful, midnight-black hair that fell down to the middle of her back and always was brushed so well that it shone. Pale face, almost luminescent, with large gray eyes and full lips that she tended to wear too much lipstick on, but hey, whatever worked for her, and hell did she ever work for him.
And then he somehow worked up the gall to ask her out, and to his surprise, the large gray eyes lit up and she smiled and said yes! And then he got a chance (well, a few chances, since it wasn't just one date!) to see how her hair spilled over her shoulders when she laughed, and how she threw her head to the side, just so, when she giggled. To feel how her fingertips felt on his skin, and to feel the rush as she whispered in his ear little words of appreciation until he was pretty much begging to please her any way she wished.
He got a chance to tell her how much she meant to him, and to show it to her - and got in return wide-eyes, sincere answers that it's where she wanted to be, that yes, she wanted to date him - and do the rest of what they did - just as much. She'd run her fingers through his hair, and her lips along the side of his neck, and he'd be like putty in her hands.
Which was why his eyes went round and big and startled, just about matching Tyler's, when he told him what she'd tried.
He didn't even have the strength of will to believe or disbelieve, not that he could disbelieve his best friend in the world's words, or his sincerity, or the sulk with which she denied it. But there had also been witnesses.
Tyler found him in their room, curled up on such a tight ball on his bed that it took him a few moments to coax the blond head up enough to be able to apologize. Reid just shook his head and told him - it hadn't been his fault. That he'd done well to tell him, he'd much rather know than, ugh. Not. That was true and what Reid thought and felt. Except what he felt even more was the hurt of her betrayal.
He curled up against Tyler's chest like a baby, that night (and later had a chance to cling to Pogue, too, with Caleb fussing around all three of them), and his humor was ten kinds of scathing the next day, and many more days to come.
Especially if she could hear.
It wasn't just the betrayal that hurt.
Three
Considering, well, the boys, it would be stupid to say that Reid was, well, straight. But he did have a preference for girls, that being mostly that he'd notice a hot girl just visually, why a guy tended to need to be interesting first, before he'd think of checking him out. That's how the blond worked.
And Zach, well, Zach was the full package. Personality, outgoing, funny, upshooting in pre-law but that didn't make his nose upturned on people or anything like that. Just another aspect of his brilliance.
And he was hot.
Really Harvard brochure material. Even more, the sparkling sense of humor totally got Reid's attention. They tease-hit on each other for a while, before they got clear that, yes, both were willing; and then they were dating, and the blond was bouncing with excitement. Almost happiness, yes, he had managed to crush onto the other boy pretty badly already, but hey, things were working out, so it couldn't be too bad, right?
Wrong.
They weren't quite up to four weeks when Zach pulled away from one of the kisses, hen pulled fully back.
"Hey. What's the matter?"
"I can't."
Reid frowned. "What do you mean-- you-- it's good, isn't it?"
Zach startled him by actually glaring. "It's too good, too much, dammit. You're... I thought that when we'd been ... together, you'd calm down, settle down from the, whatever, courting, showing off bright plumage as was going on before. But you didn't. You're just like that, and I can see people who've known you longer aren't surprised by how you are. But you're... too loud, too forceful. Too fucking open all the time."
Reid tried to say something, but was talked down.
"I mean, even about us, Reid. You're... you're carrying on as if we're doing nothing wrong, like it's alright and acceptable and fine."
"But it i--"
"No. It's not! It's... it's a ... it's shameful. It's supposed to be... to be a secret, dammit."
"Is that what you really--"
"Shameful secret." Familiar, loved dark eyes boring into his. "I can't." Quieter, pulling further way. "I can't deal with just walking around exposed like that." Tiny pause, then he turned and started leaving, throwing behind his shoulder, "don't try to call me, Reid."
"Zach, wait--"
"Shut up and let go, man."
"But how can I fix if you l--"
"I told you, shut up."
There was enough... chill in his voice that Reid winced. Tried to come up with something to say, and by the time he'd thought of anything, the room's door had shut behind his bo-- his ex-boyfriend's back.
He was standing in the middle of his and Reid's room, blinking at the wall, at the door. Then he stumbled back in the direction of the bed, blindly, backwards, and then flopped on it, arms unconsciously going around his stomach, shoulders hunching. And he did finish into the empty room, eyes wide and startled and hurt and confused. "But how can I fix any of it if you leave and don't give me a chance?"
A small voice in the back of his mind offered that Zach wasn't as interested in fixing anything as he was. That Reid had come to care for him... and maybe more, while Zach had just been indulging in something he thought wrong and he--
You can't lose something you never had, then, right?
Yeah. Right.
Ow.
He hated that small voice with a fiery passion right now.
Four
Reid had only been gone for a semester. It was a stupid residence, and Tyler had to finish his grad school before he could get anywhere else, and neither of them had liked it (like there weren't reasons that they'd ended up finding a place where they both could be), but there wasn't much that could be done about it and he'd been fucking looking forward to the end of the thing and going back and things getting back to normal, to how they should be--
Except they weren't.
Not that he had any doubt Tyler was happy, really happy to see him, and god, just seeing the familiar blue eyes light up and his face glow and that he was just fine was super. Not to mention burrowing against him, that alone was more than a little like coming home, never mind where they were.
"You okay?" Familiar, bright voice; genuine question in his tone, and strong familiar arms holding him just so.
"Am now."
And the smile, right on cue, he didn't need to even look up to know it was there. Because he could feel it in the way his fingers tightened into his shirt, he could hear it in his voice. "Good."
And so they were, just for a few moments, no letting go.
Then tiny details started seeping through to Reid. The quarter of an inch of distance - too easy to be on purpose or something's-wrong, too consistent to not notice it - between their hips, for example. Things.
When he had enough ... will to lean back enough to bring each other's faces back into focus, his eyebrow rose, and his answering smile was just a smidgen ... not disappointed, but surprised. "Seeing somebody?"
And then Tyler's face glowed again, a bit of a blush tinging his cheeks, the heat barely not felt from how close Reid's skin was. "Oh yeah."
It was that second glow that made Reid blink, and a chill breeze through him.
And it kept on coming back.
Tyler was dating a guy. That was more unusual than Reid dating a guy, actually; Ty'd been with almost exclusively girls.
And me. Well, technically he hadn't been seeing him, either, and he might have fooled around with any of them... or maybe not? Reid didn't know - right now, he wasn't sure he wanted to. Right now, he knew that Tyler, his Ty, was head over heels in love with this Marc, and he just--
Wanted. That. Like it had been before he left.
Except it wasn't going to be now.
He could feel those words buzzing between Tyler and Marc, the words that he hadn't spoken because, well, it was easier if they were just fooling around, right? Even if they chose to go to the same place so they could still room and everything. He could hear the soft sigh after a kiss - on the lips, where he wouldn't... he hadn't.
Unlike Reid, Marc was ... had. Committed. Given in to Tyler and taken him in completely, and now that he couldn't give it, Reid could see how much Tyler had wanted or needed that. He hadn't seen it, he hadn't done it.
And now it was too late and he'd lost--
Even the happiness glowing in his best friend's eyes couldn't quite fix it. Couldn't quite melt the icy clutch against his heart. It had no trace of anger, this time, well, none except for against himself. But it hurt, because his Tyler... wasn't.
When Marc just up and left Tyler broken down behind, Reid and Simona had just moved past the maximum alloted dating time of the blond and had decided to give it an actual try. And then his best friend was hurting, and she got it, and let him spend time with him to ease him away from whatever shit was filling his mind.
Three fucking years. That kind of time left a guy empty, gutted.
And Reid gave his damnedest best to pull his best friend away from that, because, dammit, his Ty. He'd given all that could be given, he'd been the way he was, he'd not cheated, it had been just fucking right, and the pretty moron had up and left and dumped it all on Tyler with a 'you didn't do it right.'
Well, fuck that noise.
And he still wanted to tell him. Really tell him that he loved him, had for a long time. But it didn't matter, it couldn't help now. Saying it would just shit things up even worse.
But he sure could show it.
Even if, just as that day when he came back, he knew. One way of the many ways that they fit together was lost. And they'd always be just out of phase enough to be unable to get it back. And that sucked donkey balls.
Or at least it sucked away a general smattering of Reid's usually insuppressible laughter. Not that he thought it would ever run out.
But they were still best friends in the whole world. That was never going away. Ever.
Five
Simona.
Reid had kind of moved a little past the one-time-of-six-weeks dating period, but he still rarely topped two months. When they neared that, he started looking for signs that she might do the usual thing and jilt him, but they weren't there. So he sort of manned up and asked.
And for the first time in a long while, he and the person he was dating sat down and talked about things.
It felt freaking nice, actually. Put things on the table. (Well, not all things. He couldn't bring himself to tell her about his powers, but he figured, if this would work out, he could... eventually?) Figure out, yeah, well, I've been jilted before, you've had so and so experience, what do you want, because, well, I don't wanna just go and leave this because dammit, yeah, I think I love you. And she was good with it, too, and yeah, just being able to talk and not be flipped over or given the cold shoulder about it was hopeful, and made him realize that those weren't just empty words or a quick crush, he did mean them.
And they tried. Over the following year and a half, they did try. They had ups and downs and in-betweens and sweet times and hard times, just like any normal couple (hell, they were, practically, a normal couple, how's that, Reid?).
But... she wore thin.
His constant energy and bounce and things to do - his work, his boys, all the things he wanted and did do... it was a little more than she, even after a couple of months, had thought it would be. And he did work on being considerate, on not dragging her along every little thing he was doing.
And with time, she learned to pace herself and kind of keep up, and actually enjoy what he did all over again.
Except all the time and effort before that...
They sat down and talked, again. She'd ran out of something, she said. Still loved him and wanted him happy, and yes, she knew he still loved her, but she couldn't... go on. There wasn't enough of something left, and forcing it wouldn't help it. And she wished him very happy. And told him things that he could work on for the ... for next time. That there was a confidence to him like he could do things that others couldn't that made it difficult for people to feel like they were his equal; the worse part being that, as far as she could tell over the time they'd been together, it wasn't an unfounded confidence, and that was damn confusing.
He somehow didn't flinch at that. Asked, if he would work on that, wouldn't she reconsider...
But she just leaned closer and kissed him, soft and sweet and light. And told him that he was a person who burned too brightly for just anyone. And if she stuck around closer, she'd just end up blind, blinded and confused and lost. And then she wouldn't be interesting to him, and it would hurt more.
They talked more. Then he saw her out the door, and turned back to his room, suddenly empty and much too bright and much too cold, and curled up on the bed, back against the headboard, legs drawn up so his chin was resting on his knees, and tried to think.
It wasn't coming, the gaping hole in his life chilling or draining away anything that made sense.
The only thing that he could think of was that maybe if he didn't, if he wouldn't Use, it would be better next time.
Finally
Not using didn't help much. The next person he dated flipped him off with 'you're cool and nice and all, but something's missing'; the one after that didn't bother to explain, just left him a little present and a note of good-bye, and he just didn't know what to do anymore. He'd gotten quieter after Simona; after that one, he almost completely shut up until people would talk to him, and then kind of kept it to the possible minimum. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that his boys would tune in; but then, they were all busy. Caleb with Chase and Mary; Pogue had his hand full, as always, with Kate. Tyler was figuring things out all over again with Marc, and things were looking better there, at least, and it brought a small almost-a-smile on Reid's lips when he thought about that.
But he just... hurt. Not good enough to keep any love of his own. And not Using for so long, not even for the smallest thing, didn't help.
Then there was this woman at work, older woman. Chronic condition, hopeless, and an additional infection that couldn't, just couldn't be treated properly because of the other condition, the pain of the latter worsening the morose discomfort of the former, and he stared at her card, she wasn't even one of his patients, but the hurt of it all just flipped him off, anger heated his eyes to amber and scarlet and then to burned black, and the secondary problem was just gone, the first clear breath she took in days the only thing that braced him against the emptiness with letting his power go.
He turned to go, and his eyes fell on the woman's daughter, tiny little figure who was staring at him like she knew, or at least knew something. "What did you do?"
She was little, but not a child, not much younger than him in years, really. He took a breath to deny he'd done anything, but something in the way her eyes were focused on him let him know it would be unwise. "Not... now."
"But you'll tell me later?"
He nodded, and barely kept from stumbling on his way out of the room.
That's how he met Anya.
***
They took their time. Or, well, he took his time to get back to feeling human, let alone close to feeling like himself. She was... there. Odd, and different, and small but fiercely determined. And curious.
It had been a long, long time since the last occasion anybody had been curious about him just so, not because he was doing something out of the ordinary to make sure he was noticed. Anybody other than the boys, at least. (God, they helped so much. Because even if they were all adults, grown up and each with his own life, they'd let him burrow and cling, and they'd shielded him and held him and melted away bits of the shards of ice that his world had been reduced to, until he could slowly start unwinding. Just like when they were kids and his mom had crashed his world. Again.)
But Anya... asked. And answered when he did, the blatant honesty surprising, but rather than startling and confusing him, right now refreshing.
She dragged him off to walks in which nothing happened but random conversation and him growing a taste for trying to bring out her rare real smiles and rarer laughter (she was odd, and socially awkward, and a bit off, but not in a bad way, hell, he was a bit off himself, and when you added to that the awareness of her mother's ... condition... yeah. Rare laughter indeed). She knitted him mittens, bringing him back to a happier, so much more careless time of his life when he wore them all the time; even leaving alone the fact that they felt so damn comfortable, the way Tyler's eyes lit when he saw him with them was great alone...
And she knew what he could do. And didn't freak out or try to tell everybody or try to make use of it or... anything. Just accepted it as one more way that he was, and prodded to find out more.
He registered her campaign for bringing the spark of him out again to counter his to make her laugh somewhat after he asked if he could kiss her and she agreed.
Reid couldn't pinpoint the moment when he fell in love with her, but he didn't try to hard, either. It just didn't seem that important.
***
He wasn't that late for the little boys-night-together thing, but he knew that their eyes were on him the moment he opened the door.
"What did you do, Reid?"
So he told them.
He saw panic and worry and concern and sadness and so many other things in their eyes. And yes, love, too. Not that he'd doubted.
They had questions, of course, and berating, and anger, a little.
And when he curled in against Tyler, exhausted, he could feel the hesitation in his friend's reaching to run his fingers in the newly grayed strands of his hair. Fear.
He'd Used. A lot.
Second time, practically, for her sake. Even if not particularly close together, it was still... big.
But he would let them know, he'd tell them as many times as he had to. He couldn't let her slip down the same road to slow, exhausting death that her mother had fallen into. For once in his life, he could do something to hold on to the person he loved, and loved him back, and hell to the cost to himself, he just couldn't not do it. So he had. Not stupidly or blindly or anything like that; he wouldn't have to do it again, he wasn't planning on falling into the trap of addiction, of becoming like Caleb's father, of making her lose him.
He'd just had to do it.
And he saw in the blue eyes and the hazel and the brown that they would come to see it, too. And even if the worry would probably never go away (he was almost the youngest among them... he shouldn't look like he was years and years older!), they'd be okay.
And Anya would still be a part of his life.
And maybe, just maybe, things would work out in the end.
Muse: Reid Garwin
Fandom: The Covenant
Word count: 4 261
A/N: I am not sure I'll be cross-posting this. At any rate, most of it is in the future; it is set in the so-called Cliffs of Insanity 'verse, it's not fluffy or funny. Tyler is their_babyboy, Pogue is lieutenantwitch, and Caleb is theirgoldenboy. All other characters are NPCs or without their own journals. Any who aren't mine are used with permission and lots of love. Some of those, the first two or three, for example, are valid across 'verses.