it takes more than your saliene eyes, to make this right.
How do I begin this entry the way I want to? I can't ever seem to put my words down the right way. They dance and mingle in my mind forming sentences, paragraphs, and stories, but fall apart when my fingers hit the keys of my keyboard. Here goes nothing...
I had my first nervous breakdown since this summer Friday night. Maybe it was caused by too many people, too many memories, too much uncertaintly, and too much of my past. I felt suffocated, utterly and completely lost, snuffed out, suffocated by society and what my friends seem to think of me. Helpless, I left was completely alone, standing next to the one person that I though could protect me from ever feeling this way again. He was supposed to save me from my depression, from the lonliness I can't ever seem to escape, but he couldn't. He's only human.
Last night Jodi and I rented some movies were going to relax infront of the TV, but we watched a Lifetime movie instead, Mom at sixteen. Cheesy as Lifetime movies usually are, we became engrossed with it, and actually finished it before starting the rented movies. Something about that movie struck a cord. What is right? Society tells us that sex before marriage is okay, a basic, animalistic part of life, but that pregnancy out of wetlock is something dirty and to be hidden. Religion tells us that marriage is sacred, and that sex should be saved for this true commitement of love....buuuut....at the same time religion tells us that our sexual urges, hell, even our love is too immature before marriage and that we must hide them, push them inward, because they are dirty. What are we to think? Which way are we to go? And what if that love leads to sex and then sex leads to a child, shouldn't the child then lead back love again? Sex is such a hushed topic, kids aren't afraid to do it, but are afraid to ask about it. Is it better to encourage silence or to encourage open dialogue?
This morning I put in the second movie we rented last night, The Upside of Anger, and it made me smile. Yes, and intense movie, but it helped me let go. Life is definately a journey, we hit road blocks, fall apart, scream, shake our fists at the world, and then we move on...all I know, is that I've got a lot to think about these days.
"Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm. Then again, what do I know? I'm only a child."
-The Upside of Anger-
I had my first nervous breakdown since this summer Friday night. Maybe it was caused by too many people, too many memories, too much uncertaintly, and too much of my past. I felt suffocated, utterly and completely lost, snuffed out, suffocated by society and what my friends seem to think of me. Helpless, I left was completely alone, standing next to the one person that I though could protect me from ever feeling this way again. He was supposed to save me from my depression, from the lonliness I can't ever seem to escape, but he couldn't. He's only human.
Last night Jodi and I rented some movies were going to relax infront of the TV, but we watched a Lifetime movie instead, Mom at sixteen. Cheesy as Lifetime movies usually are, we became engrossed with it, and actually finished it before starting the rented movies. Something about that movie struck a cord. What is right? Society tells us that sex before marriage is okay, a basic, animalistic part of life, but that pregnancy out of wetlock is something dirty and to be hidden. Religion tells us that marriage is sacred, and that sex should be saved for this true commitement of love....buuuut....at the same time religion tells us that our sexual urges, hell, even our love is too immature before marriage and that we must hide them, push them inward, because they are dirty. What are we to think? Which way are we to go? And what if that love leads to sex and then sex leads to a child, shouldn't the child then lead back love again? Sex is such a hushed topic, kids aren't afraid to do it, but are afraid to ask about it. Is it better to encourage silence or to encourage open dialogue?
This morning I put in the second movie we rented last night, The Upside of Anger, and it made me smile. Yes, and intense movie, but it helped me let go. Life is definately a journey, we hit road blocks, fall apart, scream, shake our fists at the world, and then we move on...all I know, is that I've got a lot to think about these days.
"Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm. Then again, what do I know? I'm only a child."
-The Upside of Anger-