(no subject)
I really need to by studying for my Marine Science Exam tomorrow, but I feel like writing in here right now, and then I may go work out.
So I maxed out on squats yesterday... I did 155 lbs.. That was pretty damn insane. Today, I maxed out on bench, Jeff Milton was spotting us girls because we were too weak to spot each other... he forced me to try all the way up to 100 lbs. I did it, but had a very difficult time in the process. But I was very proud of myself, now I just need to get my incline max...
I went to my psychologist for my second appointment today. It's really helpful having someone to talk to that is only there to help you and listen to what you have to say and coach you through things. She asked me if there was anything on my mind that I wanted to talk about and I said that I had been thinking a lot about Devin lately. I really have, I've driven by her neighborhood several times lately and I got really upset, I passed by her house and I got teary eyed, that song by Nickelback called 'photograph' came on and I cried because a lot of the things said in it reminded me of her or our friendship that we once had. So I was telling her everything that happened and how Devin was treating me for a long time and how I just started to act like I didn't care because I didn't know how to handle the situation. She said that breaking off a friendship, well, really a sister-ship, like that is one of the hardest things a person can go through but that it was probably the best thing I could have done because nothing was getting better and we just couldn't accept each other for who we were anymore. She said that I realized that I couldn't help her anymore and me trying to help her through certain things she did and everything wasn't worth it because she was who she was and it was going to take more than me caring about her to change that. And I hate that, I really do. Because she made me realize today, that I did do the best thing for me. I stopped the pain she was giving me but in return I have given myself my own pain because I miss her, I really do, and i don't think that that will ever go away. She will always be my sister. We may never be friends again, and almost certainly never as close as we were before, but I'm not sure if that's what I want. I've really been thinking lately that I just want to forget everything that happened between us, just forget everything she did to me and try to forgive myself for not caring for a while, but I don't know how. I'm so scared that her and I wont ever talk again. I'm so scared that we're going to go on like this forever. She was my best friend, and I wont ever be able to call her that again. It's so hard for to go through this crap. I just wish none of it had ever happened and that we had both used better judgment and just never of let this happen. But I can't change the past. I don't even know if Devin cares about me, she may not even feel anything when she sees me, and that really hurts too. But then again she might. I don't know, all I know is that I still love her like she is my flesh and blood but I don't know what to do about it, I know that when I see her in the hallways at school it is really hard for me to hold myself back from crying sometimes and other times I get really angry because we let ourselves do this to each other. I remember she used to ask me all the time, "Mayme, are we going to be friends forever? What if we stop being friends in high school?" And I always used to get so mad at her for doubting our friendship, and I just feel like we jinxed ourselves. I'm sorry, Devin, I really am...
I need to stop writing because Mom just got home and I don't want her to see me crying and get her upset.
By the way, she is very close to having a job, so everything is good in that department. She basically has a boyfriend, I kind of like him. I guess I will have to get used to him.
School is going okay, not to shabby.
Well I need to go, I'm sure not too many people have read this far anyways.
Goodnight.
So I maxed out on squats yesterday... I did 155 lbs.. That was pretty damn insane. Today, I maxed out on bench, Jeff Milton was spotting us girls because we were too weak to spot each other... he forced me to try all the way up to 100 lbs. I did it, but had a very difficult time in the process. But I was very proud of myself, now I just need to get my incline max...
I went to my psychologist for my second appointment today. It's really helpful having someone to talk to that is only there to help you and listen to what you have to say and coach you through things. She asked me if there was anything on my mind that I wanted to talk about and I said that I had been thinking a lot about Devin lately. I really have, I've driven by her neighborhood several times lately and I got really upset, I passed by her house and I got teary eyed, that song by Nickelback called 'photograph' came on and I cried because a lot of the things said in it reminded me of her or our friendship that we once had. So I was telling her everything that happened and how Devin was treating me for a long time and how I just started to act like I didn't care because I didn't know how to handle the situation. She said that breaking off a friendship, well, really a sister-ship, like that is one of the hardest things a person can go through but that it was probably the best thing I could have done because nothing was getting better and we just couldn't accept each other for who we were anymore. She said that I realized that I couldn't help her anymore and me trying to help her through certain things she did and everything wasn't worth it because she was who she was and it was going to take more than me caring about her to change that. And I hate that, I really do. Because she made me realize today, that I did do the best thing for me. I stopped the pain she was giving me but in return I have given myself my own pain because I miss her, I really do, and i don't think that that will ever go away. She will always be my sister. We may never be friends again, and almost certainly never as close as we were before, but I'm not sure if that's what I want. I've really been thinking lately that I just want to forget everything that happened between us, just forget everything she did to me and try to forgive myself for not caring for a while, but I don't know how. I'm so scared that her and I wont ever talk again. I'm so scared that we're going to go on like this forever. She was my best friend, and I wont ever be able to call her that again. It's so hard for to go through this crap. I just wish none of it had ever happened and that we had both used better judgment and just never of let this happen. But I can't change the past. I don't even know if Devin cares about me, she may not even feel anything when she sees me, and that really hurts too. But then again she might. I don't know, all I know is that I still love her like she is my flesh and blood but I don't know what to do about it, I know that when I see her in the hallways at school it is really hard for me to hold myself back from crying sometimes and other times I get really angry because we let ourselves do this to each other. I remember she used to ask me all the time, "Mayme, are we going to be friends forever? What if we stop being friends in high school?" And I always used to get so mad at her for doubting our friendship, and I just feel like we jinxed ourselves. I'm sorry, Devin, I really am...
I need to stop writing because Mom just got home and I don't want her to see me crying and get her upset.
By the way, she is very close to having a job, so everything is good in that department. She basically has a boyfriend, I kind of like him. I guess I will have to get used to him.
School is going okay, not to shabby.
Well I need to go, I'm sure not too many people have read this far anyways.
Goodnight.