"But your memory is here and I'd like it to stay"
i would like to start off by saying last night i was changed.
everyday i continue to grow and i realize now that all along i've just strayed from the most wonderful thing ever.
i'm sick of trying to make my life work.
i try to put all the pieces together by myself.
i realize yes... life does take effort but there is only so much you can do. you have control yes but when you surrender to God he will be the driver of your life... but only if you let him. so here is my story of my formal surrender.
last night i didn't know what to expect. i was excited all day to spend the evening before church with a new friend of mine by the name Diane. Diane is literally a god send. i met Diane at church one Wednesday when i realized how messed up my life was getting. how i was over obsessing with everything! i was stressed. i was tired of the life i was living. i was having fun but i didn't feel pure. i didn't feel like i was going on the right track. so at church as my pastor sarah was speaking i just became completely moved. completely. and i started crying. i started balling and i couldn't control it. we praised god for another 15 minutes and then the sermen ended. i got up to leave and this delicate hand was placed upon my shoulder. i turned around to see a beautiful lady who has dark brown eyes and hair. she was gorgeous. and she said to me, " ever since i first saw you, something was drawing me to you. i felt like God continued to pull me to you and when Sarah was talking... i couldn't help but stare at you. so i was wondering if i could pray over you because i feel like God has put that in my heart." and me being completely moved of course i was not going to deny it and ever since then i surrendered. i gave up. and i knew from that moment on my life would be forever changed. i decided i was going to give it up. i was going to stop smoking and drinking and living this life in which i knew that in the future could mess me up. it wasn't just that but it was the fact that i was trying to run my own life and rewrite my future when in the reality of this chaos... God already has a plan for me! i know you hear that all the time but come on! if you hear it all the time obviously it's true. so i started to become more dedicated to God and my walk. so i've been attending church and getting more involved in a small group with sarah on mondays and going to youth group on Wednesday. well Diane really wanted me to go get coffee with her so last night before church we went and got coffee and sat and talked! about everything. from John to friends. to God to life. to past and present. and the one thing that i noticed is... this girl is 25 years old and she's hanging out with a 16 year old and yet we both don't find it werid at all. she even invited me to have a sleep over with her. i admire how wise she is! and yet she said the same about me. i feel like my walk with God will only continue to grow thanks to her. i feel like she is going to help me. and shes going to help lead me. shes making this sense of lonliness that much better. i was praying to God one day in the car relating to John and in the middle of my prayer God said to me... " stop worrying about him and start working on our relationship first. i have a plan for you. and i will take care of it. you work on an intimate relationship with me. and worry about that." that honestly was the first time God had ever spoken to me. and it was amazing. and now i'm more apted and more tuned in with God because i now know that you KNOW when he is speaking to you. and he's been really working with me lately. i just got complete dejavu... anyways... oh gosh! i love life. so Diane gave me this book... and it's all about relationships i'm really excited to read it. i started to tell her to about how i feel akward because lately i've been like reading peoples minds and all these akward things have been happening.. that just DON'T happen. Diane told me that God blessed me with the gift of spirit and wisdom.
church anyways... was the real mark of my so called change. i'd like to consider it my new genesis. it had always been the mark i aim to miss but this time i hit it. bulls eye. i was rocked last night. God's presense was moving me, working with me, planting itself within me and completely taking over me. my feet were moving, i was dancing and singing! oh i was singing and i couldn't stop. i was singing out loud. in front of all these people i've never met and yet i've realized that singing has become my way of praying. when God is within me i just sing. he works through me. i was completely surrendering last night and i feel like i wasn't the only one. the whole night went completely unplanned and there was a huge prayer tunnel. a prayer tunnel is when leaders make a tunnell or a passage way and you walk through it while the whole entire room prays and dances and praises and worships and sings. and that tunnel that passage CHANGED ME. it MOVED ME. i came out a differnt and completely pure person. i felt so good. i felt so high!!!!!!! being with God is a whole different high. my life is now going to be taken care of. i have him. he is my leader. and everyone and anyone who think i'm crazy go ahead but you are missing out. you are missing out because God is the only way. he has a plan for you. he has your best interests in mind. your life can be amazing if you just surrender to God. you let him guide you. my fun has become more real. my emotions have becoming more loving. my smile more genuine. and my laugh and my singing are real. because i now know that my reason here on earth is God. God is going to do great things with me. i want to lead people. i want people to know God in the way i am getting to know him. and when everyone was praying over me. i was crying. crying tears of pure joy. pure hurt. pure love. i was crying because these people were praying over all the things i didn't know how to pray about. and it was as if they knew me. knew what i was thinking. they were reading my mind. and i couldn't help but notice when Sarah's sister Bethany prayed over me. she just touched me in a way i can't even describe. and then Diane and Sarah and Bethany and two other girls were on me that i didn't even know and that's when it hit me.... they all know it just as much as i do now... i'm going to do great things... i'm going to be God's instrument and i know that my life now... is going to be a God Given Life. the life i lead from now on... is going to be all untoo him. and i know i will make mistakes on the way but i know that God forgives. he loves me so much and he died for our sins so now we can live in freedom. we can make a mistake and he forgives. he still works just the way he did before. and that's one hell of a God if you ask me.
everyday i continue to grow and i realize now that all along i've just strayed from the most wonderful thing ever.
i'm sick of trying to make my life work.
i try to put all the pieces together by myself.
i realize yes... life does take effort but there is only so much you can do. you have control yes but when you surrender to God he will be the driver of your life... but only if you let him. so here is my story of my formal surrender.
last night i didn't know what to expect. i was excited all day to spend the evening before church with a new friend of mine by the name Diane. Diane is literally a god send. i met Diane at church one Wednesday when i realized how messed up my life was getting. how i was over obsessing with everything! i was stressed. i was tired of the life i was living. i was having fun but i didn't feel pure. i didn't feel like i was going on the right track. so at church as my pastor sarah was speaking i just became completely moved. completely. and i started crying. i started balling and i couldn't control it. we praised god for another 15 minutes and then the sermen ended. i got up to leave and this delicate hand was placed upon my shoulder. i turned around to see a beautiful lady who has dark brown eyes and hair. she was gorgeous. and she said to me, " ever since i first saw you, something was drawing me to you. i felt like God continued to pull me to you and when Sarah was talking... i couldn't help but stare at you. so i was wondering if i could pray over you because i feel like God has put that in my heart." and me being completely moved of course i was not going to deny it and ever since then i surrendered. i gave up. and i knew from that moment on my life would be forever changed. i decided i was going to give it up. i was going to stop smoking and drinking and living this life in which i knew that in the future could mess me up. it wasn't just that but it was the fact that i was trying to run my own life and rewrite my future when in the reality of this chaos... God already has a plan for me! i know you hear that all the time but come on! if you hear it all the time obviously it's true. so i started to become more dedicated to God and my walk. so i've been attending church and getting more involved in a small group with sarah on mondays and going to youth group on Wednesday. well Diane really wanted me to go get coffee with her so last night before church we went and got coffee and sat and talked! about everything. from John to friends. to God to life. to past and present. and the one thing that i noticed is... this girl is 25 years old and she's hanging out with a 16 year old and yet we both don't find it werid at all. she even invited me to have a sleep over with her. i admire how wise she is! and yet she said the same about me. i feel like my walk with God will only continue to grow thanks to her. i feel like she is going to help me. and shes going to help lead me. shes making this sense of lonliness that much better. i was praying to God one day in the car relating to John and in the middle of my prayer God said to me... " stop worrying about him and start working on our relationship first. i have a plan for you. and i will take care of it. you work on an intimate relationship with me. and worry about that." that honestly was the first time God had ever spoken to me. and it was amazing. and now i'm more apted and more tuned in with God because i now know that you KNOW when he is speaking to you. and he's been really working with me lately. i just got complete dejavu... anyways... oh gosh! i love life. so Diane gave me this book... and it's all about relationships i'm really excited to read it. i started to tell her to about how i feel akward because lately i've been like reading peoples minds and all these akward things have been happening.. that just DON'T happen. Diane told me that God blessed me with the gift of spirit and wisdom.
church anyways... was the real mark of my so called change. i'd like to consider it my new genesis. it had always been the mark i aim to miss but this time i hit it. bulls eye. i was rocked last night. God's presense was moving me, working with me, planting itself within me and completely taking over me. my feet were moving, i was dancing and singing! oh i was singing and i couldn't stop. i was singing out loud. in front of all these people i've never met and yet i've realized that singing has become my way of praying. when God is within me i just sing. he works through me. i was completely surrendering last night and i feel like i wasn't the only one. the whole night went completely unplanned and there was a huge prayer tunnel. a prayer tunnel is when leaders make a tunnell or a passage way and you walk through it while the whole entire room prays and dances and praises and worships and sings. and that tunnel that passage CHANGED ME. it MOVED ME. i came out a differnt and completely pure person. i felt so good. i felt so high!!!!!!! being with God is a whole different high. my life is now going to be taken care of. i have him. he is my leader. and everyone and anyone who think i'm crazy go ahead but you are missing out. you are missing out because God is the only way. he has a plan for you. he has your best interests in mind. your life can be amazing if you just surrender to God. you let him guide you. my fun has become more real. my emotions have becoming more loving. my smile more genuine. and my laugh and my singing are real. because i now know that my reason here on earth is God. God is going to do great things with me. i want to lead people. i want people to know God in the way i am getting to know him. and when everyone was praying over me. i was crying. crying tears of pure joy. pure hurt. pure love. i was crying because these people were praying over all the things i didn't know how to pray about. and it was as if they knew me. knew what i was thinking. they were reading my mind. and i couldn't help but notice when Sarah's sister Bethany prayed over me. she just touched me in a way i can't even describe. and then Diane and Sarah and Bethany and two other girls were on me that i didn't even know and that's when it hit me.... they all know it just as much as i do now... i'm going to do great things... i'm going to be God's instrument and i know that my life now... is going to be a God Given Life. the life i lead from now on... is going to be all untoo him. and i know i will make mistakes on the way but i know that God forgives. he loves me so much and he died for our sins so now we can live in freedom. we can make a mistake and he forgives. he still works just the way he did before. and that's one hell of a God if you ask me.