I realized today how depressed I am.
I really blame my stubbornness. I always have to keep my cool, can't show that I'm hurting. What I realize now is that I didn't even know that I was trying to keep my cool. I subconsciously was trying to play it off that i wasnt depressed. That everything is okay. That I'm too cool to be a depressed bum. What I notice now is that I have been a depressed bum all along. Not to be so epic, but to realize what I am, what I have been. But always trying to keep my cool.. Im constantly trying to humble myself, telling myself to chill, yearning for attention, nay, unsettled; better-ly put. I feel that what i know of of life is down-to-earth style-like of depression. I study it, which is what i am, and find truth of life through that looking glass. So when I compare things, make sense of things, it's through those lenses. And I'm panicking when i encounter myself communicating with others. (I just re-read that, and thats how I see things when times are at the worst for me, It's me, myself, and then the world. I guess the world can be broken up into people. Well it has to be. Respect to individuals. I should say "for". but "for" is like saying they need the respect. And you know what? they do need the respect. We all do. And this is why i feel selfish. like an asshole deep down inside. Is this what i am. If i didnt have a conscience like most people (like, as in caring about one's self, and being responsible for one's self) I would just be me. Natural? no, everything is natural. I am natural. my brain. yess this is me, my brain. I am my brain controling this body of mind. Thinking. Observing. Observing my natural tendensies. Why I act in a certain ways. Basically the core of myself. We are but brains. Brains that control these bodies of ours. Brains that feel, that crave for sensations. That have to be obedient. Brains that adapt. Brains that can be more than what they are. That can be proud about being attached to the body. calling the body themselves. brains that have friends with other brains think similarily. brains that hate other brains. brains that are ignorant of their existence. brains that dont realize that we are all but brains.
why do i feel the need to explore boundaries like this. why do i feel like im the only one that thinks these things? why do i feel so alone at times, yet so powerful and unwisingly better.
this is just perspective (i just reread it). Is this truth? it is through the perspective. it like "well if you put it THAT way.."
is it that i have too many perspectives. is this wrong. is it bad. is it a negative thing. is life about having one perspective and following it? i guess it is. life is short, and i want it all. i yearn for truth, i yearn for creativeness..
i hate being labeled or "figured out". as soon as i feel that someone is labeling me, i feel the need to correct them/show them other perspectives and views. (same shit). like i feel that there is so much more about me that what people think. But this blinds me of reality, and defaultness of things.
gosh i really feel like i have dug myself in a depressed hole
the cool thing is (now that i realize it) is that I do gain that relation with people, and how people should be. what makes people happy, and not shitting, like me thinking depressed. but the bad thing is that its so default to me. why? what must i do.
Music. I feel music will create me to be a new me. A happy me. that doesnt second guess things. think before i speak. just be. and be happy.
i just read the "labeled part" and the main reason this agrivates me is because people base things on culture. pop culture, their family culture. We Just are one. Relax let the good times roll. I think this is my main burden. I feel judged. I feel all people are doing is labeling. this is stupid and needs to get out of my train of thought. worry about me, myself. what is real. dont worry about other people. what they are thinking. i really have strayed away from this thought process, but it still is there, something i fall back on in the wake of anxiety.
k im tired of writing. im glad i put this stuff down. night self.
why do i feel the need to explore boundaries like this. why do i feel like im the only one that thinks these things? why do i feel so alone at times, yet so powerful and unwisingly better.
this is just perspective (i just reread it). Is this truth? it is through the perspective. it like "well if you put it THAT way.."
is it that i have too many perspectives. is this wrong. is it bad. is it a negative thing. is life about having one perspective and following it? i guess it is. life is short, and i want it all. i yearn for truth, i yearn for creativeness..
i hate being labeled or "figured out". as soon as i feel that someone is labeling me, i feel the need to correct them/show them other perspectives and views. (same shit). like i feel that there is so much more about me that what people think. But this blinds me of reality, and defaultness of things.
gosh i really feel like i have dug myself in a depressed hole
the cool thing is (now that i realize it) is that I do gain that relation with people, and how people should be. what makes people happy, and not shitting, like me thinking depressed. but the bad thing is that its so default to me. why? what must i do.
Music. I feel music will create me to be a new me. A happy me. that doesnt second guess things. think before i speak. just be. and be happy.
i just read the "labeled part" and the main reason this agrivates me is because people base things on culture. pop culture, their family culture. We Just are one. Relax let the good times roll. I think this is my main burden. I feel judged. I feel all people are doing is labeling. this is stupid and needs to get out of my train of thought. worry about me, myself. what is real. dont worry about other people. what they are thinking. i really have strayed away from this thought process, but it still is there, something i fall back on in the wake of anxiety.
k im tired of writing. im glad i put this stuff down. night self.