Some or most of her situation is really not her own doing, it has to do with her upbringing and her bitterness over my "ruining her life" when I came out ten years ago.
Oh, honey, pardon my frankness, but that's a steaming heap o' bull-stuff!
Your coming out was about you; not about her. Her reaction to that was her choice, and her choice alone. We all have within us the ability to overcome any obstacles placed in our way. I could tell you about how horrible my upbringing was, how my family treated me when I came out, how everyone (with the exception of one person) who's ever been close to me or meant something to me has hurt me to the core, etc., etc., etc. I have every right to be a screaming ball of pain and on the verge of tears 24-hours-a-day. We all probably do.
But the kicker is, we all choose how we're going to react to all of that crap. We can either be the eternal victim, or we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, try and learn the lessons we must, and go on with our lives.
I decide for me. You decide for you. She decides for her.
Stop enabling her to remain mired in that one moment of time by making the excuse you did for her above. :)
I don't really know you, but I care. What I'm saying, comes out of that. If it's a bit harsh, then I apologize. Sometimes, though, we need to call a spade a "spade" and be done with it.
Your ex is doing more to hurt your kids than you could ever do as a gay man. If I were in your shoes, I'd be suing her for custody, and using testimony from her Rabbi, the therapist, and anyone else around who's told you what you've relayed here in your journal as evidence to take the kids away from her before she creates another neurotic generation.
Good luck, hon. I'll keep you and your kids in my thoughts.
Thanks for caring enough to write what you wrote, and you are right, for the most part.
She is neurotic. She is selfish. She is "stuck" in the past in some key ways. She is hard to deal with, and my kids do complain about her often enough. But she can also be a good mother, is at times a positive influence, and at the moment I truly believe that I would lose a custody battle in Illinois.
Also, recently, We've been talking about one set of circumstances surrounding a pivotal religious ceremony which has a lot of symbolism surrounding it, some of which a few of us understand, and most of which the rest of us do not. It's over now, and I'm putting it behind me. So is Jim.
My ex- and I share joint custody of my kids. Jim and I have them living with us from after school each Wednesday until late Saturday each week. I believe there will be a time in the not-too-distant future when my kids will need to live with Jim and me, but that time has not yet come. They are young enough yet that they still need their mother, and as a father I understand this fact. Yes, she has a terrible temper, and there's a lot of fighting that goes on over at her place three blocks from my place. When the balance tips, we'll all know it.
I started seeing a therapist today in order to sort through a lot of these issues. We set up appointments for after I get back from CA for the next couple of months. Stay tuned, my friend. And again, thanks a lot for caring. I hope to return the favor when you need it from me -- or maybe not, since I wish you peace in your life!
It really sounds like you have it all under control on your end then. So just stay strong, continue to tell the kids how much you (and Jim) love them, and make sure they know they're valued. I know you're doing that already, but it never hurts to say it. :)
Oh, honey, pardon my frankness, but that's a steaming heap o' bull-stuff!
Your coming out was about you; not about her. Her reaction to that was her choice, and her choice alone. We all have within us the ability to overcome any obstacles placed in our way. I could tell you about how horrible my upbringing was, how my family treated me when I came out, how everyone (with the exception of one person) who's ever been close to me or meant something to me has hurt me to the core, etc., etc., etc. I have every right to be a screaming ball of pain and on the verge of tears 24-hours-a-day. We all probably do.
But the kicker is, we all choose how we're going to react to all of that crap. We can either be the eternal victim, or we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, try and learn the lessons we must, and go on with our lives.
I decide for me.
You decide for you.
She decides for her.
Stop enabling her to remain mired in that one moment of time by making the excuse you did for her above. :)
I don't really know you, but I care. What I'm saying, comes out of that. If it's a bit harsh, then I apologize. Sometimes, though, we need to call a spade a "spade" and be done with it.
Your ex is doing more to hurt your kids than you could ever do as a gay man. If I were in your shoes, I'd be suing her for custody, and using testimony from her Rabbi, the therapist, and anyone else around who's told you what you've relayed here in your journal as evidence to take the kids away from her before she creates another neurotic generation.
Good luck, hon. I'll keep you and your kids in my thoughts.
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She is neurotic. She is selfish. She is "stuck" in the past in some key ways. She is hard to deal with, and my kids do complain about her often enough. But she can also be a good mother, is at times a positive influence, and at the moment I truly believe that I would lose a custody battle in Illinois.
Also, recently, We've been talking about one set of circumstances surrounding a pivotal religious ceremony which has a lot of symbolism surrounding it, some of which a few of us understand, and most of which the rest of us do not. It's over now, and I'm putting it behind me. So is Jim.
My ex- and I share joint custody of my kids. Jim and I have them living with us from after school each Wednesday until late Saturday each week. I believe there will be a time in the not-too-distant future when my kids will need to live with Jim and me, but that time has not yet come. They are young enough yet that they still need their mother, and as a father I understand this fact. Yes, she has a terrible temper, and there's a lot of fighting that goes on over at her place three blocks from my place. When the balance tips, we'll all know it.
I started seeing a therapist today in order to sort through a lot of these issues. We set up appointments for after I get back from CA for the next couple of months. Stay tuned, my friend. And again, thanks a lot for caring. I hope to return the favor when you need it from me -- or maybe not, since I wish you peace in your life!
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[HUGS]
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