(no subject)
i'm not having a good time lately.
i've been constantly tired (although i sleep 8-10 hours a night), i've had a lingering feeling in my stomach/throat that i'm about to get really sick since last friday, and i've lost about 6 pounds, which is quite a lot for me. i now weigh 100 pounds, which is what i weighed in 8th grade/when i got my wisdom teeth pulled. i am healthy at about 105-106, so when i drop below that, i kind of wonder "what's going on here?" especially when i am pretty inactive, i no longer swim or dance... or do any physical activity outside of working.
but today i feel so so sick. my head, my allergies, i'm super tired, i have an infection starting, a cold sore starting, and my stomach still hurts because i'm not eating right and i'm stressed out. everything all at once.
my grandma is dying. i'm sad, but not as sad as i should be. she hasn't been in good health for like 20 years. ever since i could remember her, she's smoked (a lot) and never exercised or ate healthy. plus, she's been in a wheelchair forever, bad knees, which eventually turned into her being too lazy to walk. so, we've been expecting her to not live very much longer for a while. in april, she was diagnosed with lung cancer (big surprise there), went through chemo, but her heart was too weak to handle it & she had a couple of strokes. we thought she was going to die for sure in may, but she pulled through. so now, she is terminal. she has untreated lung cancer, a heart that's operating at about 5% capacity, diabetes, & a whole laundry list of other ailments. my aunts thought it would be an excellent idea to take her out of the hospice in illinois and put her on a three day train ride to move her out to las vegas to live with my aunt patty.
but she's been looking great the last couple of months! she can hear better now than i can ever remember, her hair is coming back in thick, her color is good, and she can still kick my ass at scrabble. but my aunt patty was so certain that she was going to die over the weekend & had us all freaked out. my grandma had an episode of anxiety & my aunt overreacted and thought "this is it" and decided to force feed her morphine until she died. well, basically, she wasn't ready to die and knew she did not want any more drugs, it was the saddest thing ever. we spent all day yesterday talking to my unconscious grandma, and today (after my mom took away the morphine) she is fine. why the hell would you want to force feed someone morphine when they are begging you not to? when my grandma finally dies, i hope it is peaceful and not anything like what we witnessed yesterday. i can't even think about it :(
i don't know. i'm just really bummed out & don't feel good. the one thing i'm happy with in my life right now is jason. i'm so lucky to have him, he is such a sweetheart to me, even if i'm an over emotional jerk sometimes.
i've been constantly tired (although i sleep 8-10 hours a night), i've had a lingering feeling in my stomach/throat that i'm about to get really sick since last friday, and i've lost about 6 pounds, which is quite a lot for me. i now weigh 100 pounds, which is what i weighed in 8th grade/when i got my wisdom teeth pulled. i am healthy at about 105-106, so when i drop below that, i kind of wonder "what's going on here?" especially when i am pretty inactive, i no longer swim or dance... or do any physical activity outside of working.
but today i feel so so sick. my head, my allergies, i'm super tired, i have an infection starting, a cold sore starting, and my stomach still hurts because i'm not eating right and i'm stressed out. everything all at once.
my grandma is dying. i'm sad, but not as sad as i should be. she hasn't been in good health for like 20 years. ever since i could remember her, she's smoked (a lot) and never exercised or ate healthy. plus, she's been in a wheelchair forever, bad knees, which eventually turned into her being too lazy to walk. so, we've been expecting her to not live very much longer for a while. in april, she was diagnosed with lung cancer (big surprise there), went through chemo, but her heart was too weak to handle it & she had a couple of strokes. we thought she was going to die for sure in may, but she pulled through. so now, she is terminal. she has untreated lung cancer, a heart that's operating at about 5% capacity, diabetes, & a whole laundry list of other ailments. my aunts thought it would be an excellent idea to take her out of the hospice in illinois and put her on a three day train ride to move her out to las vegas to live with my aunt patty.
but she's been looking great the last couple of months! she can hear better now than i can ever remember, her hair is coming back in thick, her color is good, and she can still kick my ass at scrabble. but my aunt patty was so certain that she was going to die over the weekend & had us all freaked out. my grandma had an episode of anxiety & my aunt overreacted and thought "this is it" and decided to force feed her morphine until she died. well, basically, she wasn't ready to die and knew she did not want any more drugs, it was the saddest thing ever. we spent all day yesterday talking to my unconscious grandma, and today (after my mom took away the morphine) she is fine. why the hell would you want to force feed someone morphine when they are begging you not to? when my grandma finally dies, i hope it is peaceful and not anything like what we witnessed yesterday. i can't even think about it :(
i don't know. i'm just really bummed out & don't feel good. the one thing i'm happy with in my life right now is jason. i'm so lucky to have him, he is such a sweetheart to me, even if i'm an over emotional jerk sometimes.