sappy
i really feel like i don't have any friends a lot of the time. i have tons of friends, who are more like acquaintances. i have about 20 friends that i genuinely like. 3/4 close friends that i like. 1 "best" friend... whom i can tell almost anything to, but more than likely will choose not to. so when i'm depressed in my room all alone, why do i feel like i have no one to talk to? i am so sad a lot of the time lately & i have no one to tell everything that is going through my head. why don't i have any friends? when i was in high school, i was surrounded by people who i called close friends, but now i can't think of anyone. relationships change over time. i still like all of my friends, we never fight about anything (i am usually pretty easy going though) but why would i rather be alone most of the time than call up a friend?
i think it's because boyfriends change people. when i was with jon, all i ever wanted was to spend every second of my free time with him. i assume that most of my friends feel this same way about their boyfriends, so why would i expect them to want to hang out with me & do nothing instead of being in love with their boyfriends. i don't have a boyfriend right now & my best friend does. so i feel alone... i mean i don't hang out with my friends a lot anyways, but just knowing that she's w/ her boyfriend a lot makes me feel lonely. i could have a boyfriend right now, -i'm pretty sure.. but i don't just want to hang around any guy right now, i always want the most inconvenient or unattainable boys. usually i give any boy a chance. since max has left, i have gone out with a couple of different people, because i haven't really ever dated much... & i wanted to see if there was anyone that i liked more than max. is that bad? everyone encouraged me to do it... & i didn't find anyone so i kind of feel at peace, but i feel bad for max, who is waiting halfway across the world for me. he quit his good job & left his friends to come be with me, but i was so afraid of commitment that i sent him home. & he STILL wants to see me. (it wasn't commitment so much as it was him getting super jealous & fighting with me all of the time)
like i like max a whole lot, but i don't want him living with me. if i was head over heels in love with him (like he is for me) then that wouldn't matter, right? i wouldn't feel the need to have so much alone time. when i was with jon, i didn't want any of that. but then again, jon & i eased into a relationship & he gave me plenty of time to be alone. but anyways, when max & i were waiting at the airport the 1st time he was leaving, he looked at this unhappy looking couple of unattractive people & said, "that's a relationship of convenience... they probably aren't really in love. us on the other hand, we are probably the most inconvenient relationship ever, but i would never change a thing." but even though this isn't convenient.. i don't want to fall into a relationship because it is relatively convenient for me. i mean this guy is crazy enough to do all of these things for me, i like him a lot, but is it because it's "convenient?" & because i am SUPER lonely right now? i don't know if the reason i fell for him so quickly when i was in england was because i was so fucking depressed over jon breaking up with me or because max is so love-able? i don't freaking know. all i know is that it felt so good to be wanted again. to feel like someone was genuinely in love with me & needed me. it sounds sick & disgusting, but i hadn't felt that way w/ jon for a long time before he broke up with me. it was always me wanting & needing him to be happy. i'm way too dependent on others for my happiness & i hate it.
i don't want to be alone anymore :( i want a BEST friend and a good boyfriend
i think it's because boyfriends change people. when i was with jon, all i ever wanted was to spend every second of my free time with him. i assume that most of my friends feel this same way about their boyfriends, so why would i expect them to want to hang out with me & do nothing instead of being in love with their boyfriends. i don't have a boyfriend right now & my best friend does. so i feel alone... i mean i don't hang out with my friends a lot anyways, but just knowing that she's w/ her boyfriend a lot makes me feel lonely. i could have a boyfriend right now, -i'm pretty sure.. but i don't just want to hang around any guy right now, i always want the most inconvenient or unattainable boys. usually i give any boy a chance. since max has left, i have gone out with a couple of different people, because i haven't really ever dated much... & i wanted to see if there was anyone that i liked more than max. is that bad? everyone encouraged me to do it... & i didn't find anyone so i kind of feel at peace, but i feel bad for max, who is waiting halfway across the world for me. he quit his good job & left his friends to come be with me, but i was so afraid of commitment that i sent him home. & he STILL wants to see me. (it wasn't commitment so much as it was him getting super jealous & fighting with me all of the time)
like i like max a whole lot, but i don't want him living with me. if i was head over heels in love with him (like he is for me) then that wouldn't matter, right? i wouldn't feel the need to have so much alone time. when i was with jon, i didn't want any of that. but then again, jon & i eased into a relationship & he gave me plenty of time to be alone. but anyways, when max & i were waiting at the airport the 1st time he was leaving, he looked at this unhappy looking couple of unattractive people & said, "that's a relationship of convenience... they probably aren't really in love. us on the other hand, we are probably the most inconvenient relationship ever, but i would never change a thing." but even though this isn't convenient.. i don't want to fall into a relationship because it is relatively convenient for me. i mean this guy is crazy enough to do all of these things for me, i like him a lot, but is it because it's "convenient?" & because i am SUPER lonely right now? i don't know if the reason i fell for him so quickly when i was in england was because i was so fucking depressed over jon breaking up with me or because max is so love-able? i don't freaking know. all i know is that it felt so good to be wanted again. to feel like someone was genuinely in love with me & needed me. it sounds sick & disgusting, but i hadn't felt that way w/ jon for a long time before he broke up with me. it was always me wanting & needing him to be happy. i'm way too dependent on others for my happiness & i hate it.
i don't want to be alone anymore :( i want a BEST friend and a good boyfriend