I dont know what to type

[lethal_elixir]

Im pretty high right now but I cant really tell if Im depressed.  I think I am.  I think I really just feel very put down right now.  I dont know why.  Well I do know but Im not high enough to put aside my sense of logic.  Maybe logis..but not common sense...or envy.  Envy is what it is.  It eats you up inside and for some reason it does not ever go away.  Its the worst feeling ever...and underlying everything there is that hint of envy that always manages to make your day a bit gloomier.  That thought in the back of your mind that makes your smile completely disspaear.  For some reason..the envy does not diminish at all.  It doesnt make sense anymore that I should be envious, but I am...Im as envious as I was when it all started...and it honestly makes me miserable sometimes.  Okay...I think Im over dramatizing a little because Im high.  But it really is an issue.  It bothers me that even after over a whole fucking year I feel the same way about someone as I did the day I felt so wronged by that person.  And it makes no sense to me! Like...that was a long time ago...but no....there it is...in the back of my head...at the most spontaneous moment....anything will trigger it.

SIgh.

I wish I could just reverse some of the things Ive done in my life.  I wonder how things would have turned out.  I wonder if I would be here or in spain...I wonder if i would have turned out to be the person I am right now...But I have trouble accepting myself sometimes.  I have changed so much its hard to grasp...

but no matter how many changes I make I still have that ridiculous, cronstant  envy.