THE NICER STORY....
After another troubling day, I forced myself to eat,
and I swear each time I do, I eat to much, I'll learn eventually
I know, but for now, it's always too much. Ekkk.
Ne way.
I was full, and I still l had to eat dinner. I tried to explain to my mom
that I was full, and couldn't eat. She of coarse denied the right to skip
so my full stomach pretty much exploaded.
I left the table on the verge of tears, due to fights that I felt were uncalled for.
Only seconds after leaving there was a knock on my door
and my mom's quorky smile.
"it's time" she said to eagerly.
and sure enough there was the scale.
I wasn't allowed to see.
but she said.
" You're doing much better, you're almost there, but not close enough"
then she left me there alone with the scale. ( bad idea )
I got on, held my breath.
looking down my eyes instantly filled with tears.
120.
with clothes on and the fullest stomach I'd ever known.
I was crying because I was scared. that this was still not good enough
yet to me it was too much
I couldn't undestand how I was going to keep going like this.
how I was going to fight back like I had all morning.
I stood there wondering how I had let a number mean so much
and as my thoughts wandered, I decided no answer would be right.
I then went downstairs anything, to avoid thinking about how full I was.
( usually if I stay distracted after eating it's much easier)
well....
i was in the kitchen and I found a bag, with my name.
inside was a note.
and a bunch of chocolate chip muffins.
I guess my mom remembered me telling her, I could handle eating them.
I started crying again immediately
wondering how something she was so proud of me, eating again, and gaining weight...
could make me feel so low and out of control.
I had spent the whole day convincing myself I deserved to eat and that it was ok.
I got through today and that was enough for me.
I feel that that part of me is gaining control again and I'm getting stronger
I'm still hesitant, like when I get so full, or hear the numbers,
and certain events like tonight
leave me here on an edge, not sure if I can hang on.
I guess all of this is just my thoughts I had to get out.
I know it sounds like my ED talk and if it is I"m sorry.
I just, I needed to write about it, get it out of my head.