(no subject)
"but the only truth is change. have patience.... a murmur from the ruins echoes softly as the roots undo, and the branch becomes."
-circle takes the square
tonight i had a long talk with an old friend who i thought i'd probably never talk to again. nothing too dramatic or serious, and even though it was good conversation it really didn't even matter to me what we talked about. it was just nice to talk again, and to share laughs, and to actually look at one another in the eyes when we spoke and smiled. to see eachother as the people we are in the moment we are in, instead of the monsters we can sometimes create out of people in our heads when we're hurt, or frustrated, or don't really have the ability to deal with certain things at certain times. bitterness is a defense mechanism like any other, and i'd even go so far as to say a very necesary one in it's time and place. still, it's nice to see yourself growing and no longer in need or want of those defenses. not feeling ok with competative and hurtful ways of thinking and acting (even the most subtle of such) on a logical level, but also no longer feeling any desire or pull towards them in the way you have in times past. you see alot more beauty in things, and i think that you in turn you help others to do the same.
i'm starting to feel really good again, but in a really whole sort of way. feeling it through my whole body again when i laugh or hug, feeling genuinely engaged in conversations and books and music, and the world around me in general.
i feel like i'm growing alot as a person, and it's about time, because i'm tired of feeling like i'm going crazy at any and all times. i'm tired of every happy moment being coupled with it's polar opposite following right behind. i'm tired of not trusting anything i think or feel and feeling this terrible pull to cling and cling to so many thoughts of hurt or fear or death or dying.
i feel like i have alot of things to thank for this. particularly in the last week, even.
i have friends like rachel and bethany who will take me on tour and every night, no matter what, make me feel so so so amazing every time they play, and show such care and consideration of such a steady basis. i have friends like sasha and nicole who'll make me feel so cared for, and take such good care of me when i show up in their town on barely any notice, bandage me up, and make me have so much fucking fun and never want to leave. or misty, for being so warm and supportive in such direct but also subtle ways, and taking me walking for hours, down train tracks and over bridges, like scenes from stand by me, to secret spots, murals under train tracks, through country side and downtowns. always listening so well, and even if i talk and talk way more than i should, not making me feel bad for it, and always making me feel understood, and like she's actively listening and thinking about everything i say in so many ways. and of course kyle, for lighting up the whole goddamned planet with every single thing he says or does, so much love pouring out of him, making me teary eyed at just a mention of his name. or kevin, for being just about the most supportive person i've ever met, for long talks at greyhound stops and sitting at backyard fires eveng after the fire fades down and the friends go home, still playing springsteen songs with me, or even just sitting and sharing silence. for being anchor and sails and everything inbetween, and for being so consistent, and so genuine. or kathleen and kevin and jake and andrew and daniel and gwyn for making my heart feel like it's going to explode every time we play music together. or matt for enthusiasm and energy and drive, and for giving his ear and heart when i'm falling apart in his passenger seat, but also not just being content with me not growing, and pushing, and building towards something stronger, more sustainable, more whole.
and of course there's so much more. there's sitting in samantha's room strumming and singing, and way it feels so fucking good to me to hear our voices blending. there's amazing shows in my living room with so much warmth and care. there's housemates i love dearly. there's excitement of finally putting out records, documentations of such concrete peices of heart and soul and places where you've directed so much of your passion, and people so excited about helping you with the process, and caring so much about the things you and your friends have created together. there's waking up in different places every day. there's tour plans. there's direct support and expression of appreciation. there's cold nights and hours of conversations. theres singing and dancing. there's amazing books. there's falling asleep outside to purple skies and palm trees, even when you wake up to rain. there's sweet tea and biscuits on back porches on cold and sunny afternoons. there's lying in bed on a saturday afternoon with a friend watching dirty dancing, falling in and out of sleep, biding time and dreading having to ever leave. there's leo kotke through an open back door, music leaking into the sidestreets, hanging over the sidewalk, downtown lights and chill in the air, two kids peaking in for their own private concert. there's synchonicity, everywhere, all around. there's even the goddamn awkward goodnights and bike rides home, kicking yourself the whole way, but somehow loving it still, still having to laugh at yourself. at missed chances, awkward interactions, but how good it feels to be so taken away by people and moments, removed from your expectations of what they should or shouldn't be. no matter how many ways you may find trip all over your words and actions.
and of course, there's movement, and there's change, and there's growing into the things you love and hope for.
"for change is not merely a force of destruction. every form is really a pattern of movement, and every living thing is like the river, which, if it did not flow out, would never have been able to flow in. life and death are not two opposed forces: they are simply two ways of looking at the same force, for the movement of change is as much the builder as the destroyer. the human body lives because it is a complex of motions, of circulation, respiration, and digestion. to resist change, to try and cling to life, is therefore like holding your breath: if you persist you kill yourself."
-alan watts
there's not holding, just happening, just becoming, just being.
and yes, there's progress.
-circle takes the square
tonight i had a long talk with an old friend who i thought i'd probably never talk to again. nothing too dramatic or serious, and even though it was good conversation it really didn't even matter to me what we talked about. it was just nice to talk again, and to share laughs, and to actually look at one another in the eyes when we spoke and smiled. to see eachother as the people we are in the moment we are in, instead of the monsters we can sometimes create out of people in our heads when we're hurt, or frustrated, or don't really have the ability to deal with certain things at certain times. bitterness is a defense mechanism like any other, and i'd even go so far as to say a very necesary one in it's time and place. still, it's nice to see yourself growing and no longer in need or want of those defenses. not feeling ok with competative and hurtful ways of thinking and acting (even the most subtle of such) on a logical level, but also no longer feeling any desire or pull towards them in the way you have in times past. you see alot more beauty in things, and i think that you in turn you help others to do the same.
i'm starting to feel really good again, but in a really whole sort of way. feeling it through my whole body again when i laugh or hug, feeling genuinely engaged in conversations and books and music, and the world around me in general.
i feel like i'm growing alot as a person, and it's about time, because i'm tired of feeling like i'm going crazy at any and all times. i'm tired of every happy moment being coupled with it's polar opposite following right behind. i'm tired of not trusting anything i think or feel and feeling this terrible pull to cling and cling to so many thoughts of hurt or fear or death or dying.
i feel like i have alot of things to thank for this. particularly in the last week, even.
i have friends like rachel and bethany who will take me on tour and every night, no matter what, make me feel so so so amazing every time they play, and show such care and consideration of such a steady basis. i have friends like sasha and nicole who'll make me feel so cared for, and take such good care of me when i show up in their town on barely any notice, bandage me up, and make me have so much fucking fun and never want to leave. or misty, for being so warm and supportive in such direct but also subtle ways, and taking me walking for hours, down train tracks and over bridges, like scenes from stand by me, to secret spots, murals under train tracks, through country side and downtowns. always listening so well, and even if i talk and talk way more than i should, not making me feel bad for it, and always making me feel understood, and like she's actively listening and thinking about everything i say in so many ways. and of course kyle, for lighting up the whole goddamned planet with every single thing he says or does, so much love pouring out of him, making me teary eyed at just a mention of his name. or kevin, for being just about the most supportive person i've ever met, for long talks at greyhound stops and sitting at backyard fires eveng after the fire fades down and the friends go home, still playing springsteen songs with me, or even just sitting and sharing silence. for being anchor and sails and everything inbetween, and for being so consistent, and so genuine. or kathleen and kevin and jake and andrew and daniel and gwyn for making my heart feel like it's going to explode every time we play music together. or matt for enthusiasm and energy and drive, and for giving his ear and heart when i'm falling apart in his passenger seat, but also not just being content with me not growing, and pushing, and building towards something stronger, more sustainable, more whole.
and of course there's so much more. there's sitting in samantha's room strumming and singing, and way it feels so fucking good to me to hear our voices blending. there's amazing shows in my living room with so much warmth and care. there's housemates i love dearly. there's excitement of finally putting out records, documentations of such concrete peices of heart and soul and places where you've directed so much of your passion, and people so excited about helping you with the process, and caring so much about the things you and your friends have created together. there's waking up in different places every day. there's tour plans. there's direct support and expression of appreciation. there's cold nights and hours of conversations. theres singing and dancing. there's amazing books. there's falling asleep outside to purple skies and palm trees, even when you wake up to rain. there's sweet tea and biscuits on back porches on cold and sunny afternoons. there's lying in bed on a saturday afternoon with a friend watching dirty dancing, falling in and out of sleep, biding time and dreading having to ever leave. there's leo kotke through an open back door, music leaking into the sidestreets, hanging over the sidewalk, downtown lights and chill in the air, two kids peaking in for their own private concert. there's synchonicity, everywhere, all around. there's even the goddamn awkward goodnights and bike rides home, kicking yourself the whole way, but somehow loving it still, still having to laugh at yourself. at missed chances, awkward interactions, but how good it feels to be so taken away by people and moments, removed from your expectations of what they should or shouldn't be. no matter how many ways you may find trip all over your words and actions.
and of course, there's movement, and there's change, and there's growing into the things you love and hope for.
"for change is not merely a force of destruction. every form is really a pattern of movement, and every living thing is like the river, which, if it did not flow out, would never have been able to flow in. life and death are not two opposed forces: they are simply two ways of looking at the same force, for the movement of change is as much the builder as the destroyer. the human body lives because it is a complex of motions, of circulation, respiration, and digestion. to resist change, to try and cling to life, is therefore like holding your breath: if you persist you kill yourself."
-alan watts
there's not holding, just happening, just becoming, just being.
and yes, there's progress.