(no subject)
so does destiny do anything right? like, seriously. im in a corner. no matter what i do- it seems to be the bad decision. the question is, do i make the decision that leaves me upset and not having what i want, or do i put someone else out and lay MY problems onto them? hmm neither one of those seem to be good.
so what the fuck? i just give up. i dont know what the hell im doing.
first things first- this fight that my dad and i had a week and a half ago. HE CLEARLY TOLD ME HE DIDNT WANT ME HERE! and i know that he meant it. he may regret that he said it, but i know that he meant EVERY word of it. i do get in his way. i do keep him from doing things. he doesnt like me. he may love me, because im his daughter... but that means shit. and you know, im the only one that can understand this.
even my grandma who HATES him doesnt seem to understand. and being that im the only one who sees this makes me wonder.. maybe im just overdramatic, and IM in the wrong here. HE TOLD ME TO LEAVE! and now that ive made plans to do so.. i feel like the evil villian. it always happens that way. he does something bad, im left feeling like shit. always has been that way. he beat the shit outta me in florida, IIII felt like shit for telling someone. why does it happen like that? fuck if i know. but i do know that we will never agree. ever. thats just the way it is.
but besides that- what do i do?
when i was in krum, my grandma didnt care if i moved my stuff there, and i told her its fine if i just stay with kristen during the week... her mom and dad said thats fine. but she's freaking out, like thats a bad thing and i shouldnt do that. WHAT OPTION DO I HAVE? i cant continue to live here. im so depressed that idk what to do. i was so sure about this last week- and now im doubting it. all i want is for someone to back me up- 100% back me up for once, and i want to know that they're there ... so that i can make my own decision, and do what i want to do- without feeling like im burdening everyone around me. my entire life i've felt like a burden on everyone- im sick of that.
+ pause + ok i really have to fuckin chill... i havent had a nosebleed in like 10 years. it only happens when i have a sinus infection or im REALLY stressed out. like, REALLY. im to the point where i think STRESS is what's keeping me sick. not just some..bug or w/e. that prolly dont help, but im so stressed. *breathes* ok... where was i...
but even when i do move out, if i make that decision.... ill be staying with kristen. and yes, she's my best friend. and yes, her mom talked with her dad and they said its fine- but are they just doing that bc they feel obligated? i dont want to BURDEN someone. no more than i have for the past 18 years.
and wow, all of this writing- i still havent said everything thats running through my mind, and there are a million OTHER things stressing me out.
i feel like ... i cant even LIVE. im just stuck stuck stuck. feeling like shit.
go me.
way to feel sorry for myself.
so what the fuck? i just give up. i dont know what the hell im doing.
first things first- this fight that my dad and i had a week and a half ago. HE CLEARLY TOLD ME HE DIDNT WANT ME HERE! and i know that he meant it. he may regret that he said it, but i know that he meant EVERY word of it. i do get in his way. i do keep him from doing things. he doesnt like me. he may love me, because im his daughter... but that means shit. and you know, im the only one that can understand this.
even my grandma who HATES him doesnt seem to understand. and being that im the only one who sees this makes me wonder.. maybe im just overdramatic, and IM in the wrong here. HE TOLD ME TO LEAVE! and now that ive made plans to do so.. i feel like the evil villian. it always happens that way. he does something bad, im left feeling like shit. always has been that way. he beat the shit outta me in florida, IIII felt like shit for telling someone. why does it happen like that? fuck if i know. but i do know that we will never agree. ever. thats just the way it is.
but besides that- what do i do?
when i was in krum, my grandma didnt care if i moved my stuff there, and i told her its fine if i just stay with kristen during the week... her mom and dad said thats fine. but she's freaking out, like thats a bad thing and i shouldnt do that. WHAT OPTION DO I HAVE? i cant continue to live here. im so depressed that idk what to do. i was so sure about this last week- and now im doubting it. all i want is for someone to back me up- 100% back me up for once, and i want to know that they're there ... so that i can make my own decision, and do what i want to do- without feeling like im burdening everyone around me. my entire life i've felt like a burden on everyone- im sick of that.
+ pause + ok i really have to fuckin chill... i havent had a nosebleed in like 10 years. it only happens when i have a sinus infection or im REALLY stressed out. like, REALLY. im to the point where i think STRESS is what's keeping me sick. not just some..bug or w/e. that prolly dont help, but im so stressed. *breathes* ok... where was i...
but even when i do move out, if i make that decision.... ill be staying with kristen. and yes, she's my best friend. and yes, her mom talked with her dad and they said its fine- but are they just doing that bc they feel obligated? i dont want to BURDEN someone. no more than i have for the past 18 years.
and wow, all of this writing- i still havent said everything thats running through my mind, and there are a million OTHER things stressing me out.
i feel like ... i cant even LIVE. im just stuck stuck stuck. feeling like shit.
go me.
way to feel sorry for myself.