Its so beautiful when the boy smiles

[let_me_slipaway]

Wow. got back from kansas tuesday night. It was amazing. I dont think ive had so much fun. I miss everyone so much. i miss my cousin so much. I was just so happy. and it was so...new. I might go back over christmas break. But im not sure yet. If i dont im deffinetly spending the summer there. We already planned it out. I came back here and i feel so unhappy. Like i have nothing here. School fucking blows. i have so much shit to do. and i just have no motivation to do it. Its like i find no reason to anything anymore. its like everything just seems so pointless and empty. I hate school. like words cannot express how much i just want to say fuck it. I dont even know what i have to do but i have so much to do. I have so many tests and shit to makeup and i dont know. Everything will come together i hope. and if it doesnt, then that works too. it seems like 2nd quarter is always weird and effed up. But yeah i need to go to new jersey. I need to see him so bad. It hurts. but the funniest thing is its almost been nine months since ive seen him or has been nine months and no matter what its like...he always makes it okay. i called him the other day crying and was just like i miss you and i cant take it. and he didnt really say anything and then said he had to go. and then about an hour after that he called and said I just wanted you to know that i love you more than anything in this entire world and i dont want you to cry because i know im going to see you again. Your my everything and i love you so much and I know that we will see eachother again and i miss you but its okay everything is going to be okay. and that made me realize that it is okay. Yeah, some days its gonna hurt more than others but he keeps me strong. and after we hung up he sent me a text message and it said "its like we share the same heartbeat" Hes so amazing. Its been a year and a little over seven months. its unbelievable. i feel like its been so much longer. but its like connor oberst says "absence leads to adoration" and its true. i dont know. I just hope ill be able to see him around christmas. it was so shitty last year when i didnt get to see him. but yeah this is really long so im gunna go get in the shower. tomorrows friday. that means i got a whole weekend to relax...or go insane. either one.

Your just as far in as youll ever be out
and these mistakes you made youll just make them again
if you only try turning around