change in weather
As I drive down the highway, peering through my portal into the vast expanse ahead, with the cool breeze blowing against my face through the window where one arm rests, as the other steers me in the direction that I wish to travel, my ears open up to Davendra Banhart, who calls out to me through the tunnels of the stereo chamber, and his words accompanied by flowing rhythms enter my conscious. My spirit set aloft by that cool breeze, which carries it out through the vent and up into the sky, sending it sailing high above, away from all troubles, allowing it to become a serene observer of what goes on bellow. Left alone to sail through an infinite expanse of sky, my thoughts scattered all around, peace not found in one place but omnipresent throughout the greater whole.
I went in to talk to Ms. Block today about the despair that I have been experiencing lately. But today my state of being had completely shifted. I could not even fathom the idea of feeling hopeless, or return to that state of mind in which I had felt such a way, in order to investigate the source of my suffering. I suppose that I am experiencing highs and lows, sporadic mood shifts. After having such morbid thoughts, I would imagine that I could uproot them, but how is that possible if I reach a point at which I can no longer consider the possibility of me, the person who I know more than any other, creating such thoughts to begin with. If they don’t exist now, then why should I believe that they ever existed at all? These thoughts may be passing, but they do return uncontrollably, though they may be cast away immediately once I realize that they are leading me towards a dead end.
I talked to her about how dependent my well being is on shared experiences with others. She said that it is difficult for most people to admit that they can’t live to their highest potentials without fellow companionship. I regret that we cannot fully express ourselves during social interactions at school, where our focus is mainly centered at this time in life. Tonight as I sat at Wally’s staring out the pane glass windows, eating a burger, treating it as a ritualistic act rather than a means to invoke pleasure, I experienced an emotion that made me feel closer than I have in long time to sensing my inner being. I felt lonely during those moments spent at the table, longing to stare into the eyes of a girl sitting across from me, looking through an opening into her soul, without a single word needing to be spoken, for it is her mere presence that commands my full attention and leads me to the discovery of true beauty. In the words of John Keats, “Beauty is Truth, and Truth is Beauty.” There is only one truth and that is love, the eternal force that binds together all spirits. The love that I feel quells up inside, waiting to be released, and it is impossible to express in words this love I feel for all those who surround me and who accompany me throughout the continuing cycle, time remaining absent, as we accept physical detachment. To sense loneliness is to encounter love and to recognize beauty. I don’t know what else to say, except that I wish to gather up the pieces that will make me complete by becoming one with the greater whole.
I finally went running tonight at school. The past few weeks I’ve been playing out the fantasy in my head that I will walk out the door and set forth on the trails to get my blood flowing and revive my lost energy, but only thoughts have remained, and I’ve never managed to arise from the chair where my homework sits. I followed the trails through the woods, running beneath the tree branches, trying to maintain a grasp of where I was going, by ensuring that I remained on the path. That whole idea of not knowing where the trail would take me but assuring myself that I would eventually reach my final destination, brought pleasure to this exercise. As my surroundings became darker, the blanket of clouds above sunk lower, providing a backdrop on which the trees were mounted. Now I sit in my room where I have given birth to so many thoughts, and have spent my time in solitude embracing a range of emotions, all which lead me into the next day prepared to achieve this purpose which I am driven towards.
I went in to talk to Ms. Block today about the despair that I have been experiencing lately. But today my state of being had completely shifted. I could not even fathom the idea of feeling hopeless, or return to that state of mind in which I had felt such a way, in order to investigate the source of my suffering. I suppose that I am experiencing highs and lows, sporadic mood shifts. After having such morbid thoughts, I would imagine that I could uproot them, but how is that possible if I reach a point at which I can no longer consider the possibility of me, the person who I know more than any other, creating such thoughts to begin with. If they don’t exist now, then why should I believe that they ever existed at all? These thoughts may be passing, but they do return uncontrollably, though they may be cast away immediately once I realize that they are leading me towards a dead end.
I talked to her about how dependent my well being is on shared experiences with others. She said that it is difficult for most people to admit that they can’t live to their highest potentials without fellow companionship. I regret that we cannot fully express ourselves during social interactions at school, where our focus is mainly centered at this time in life. Tonight as I sat at Wally’s staring out the pane glass windows, eating a burger, treating it as a ritualistic act rather than a means to invoke pleasure, I experienced an emotion that made me feel closer than I have in long time to sensing my inner being. I felt lonely during those moments spent at the table, longing to stare into the eyes of a girl sitting across from me, looking through an opening into her soul, without a single word needing to be spoken, for it is her mere presence that commands my full attention and leads me to the discovery of true beauty. In the words of John Keats, “Beauty is Truth, and Truth is Beauty.” There is only one truth and that is love, the eternal force that binds together all spirits. The love that I feel quells up inside, waiting to be released, and it is impossible to express in words this love I feel for all those who surround me and who accompany me throughout the continuing cycle, time remaining absent, as we accept physical detachment. To sense loneliness is to encounter love and to recognize beauty. I don’t know what else to say, except that I wish to gather up the pieces that will make me complete by becoming one with the greater whole.
I finally went running tonight at school. The past few weeks I’ve been playing out the fantasy in my head that I will walk out the door and set forth on the trails to get my blood flowing and revive my lost energy, but only thoughts have remained, and I’ve never managed to arise from the chair where my homework sits. I followed the trails through the woods, running beneath the tree branches, trying to maintain a grasp of where I was going, by ensuring that I remained on the path. That whole idea of not knowing where the trail would take me but assuring myself that I would eventually reach my final destination, brought pleasure to this exercise. As my surroundings became darker, the blanket of clouds above sunk lower, providing a backdrop on which the trees were mounted. Now I sit in my room where I have given birth to so many thoughts, and have spent my time in solitude embracing a range of emotions, all which lead me into the next day prepared to achieve this purpose which I am driven towards.