Ramble...Ramble...Ramble
It's been one eventful summer. (Understatement) So, yeah, I don't feel like talking about all I've been through. The past is so...over.
I want to be depressed. I want my feelings to be consistent. I want my feelings to be mine. When I'm excited, it never lasts. When I'm happy, someone or something can always take it away. But when I'm depressed, I'm secure. I don't need a reason to be depressed (I wish I had one). Cloistered agony. That is what I want. Just to be content being alone with my misery.
It's funny that I feel that way. So much is going right in my life. Okay well maybe not. But one really big thing is going good in my life. At least, it goes good sometimes. I'm talking about Deanna. God, I wish she liked me as much as I like her. Things have been going really good lately with our (what should I call it) "relationship." But she's been so busy lately and I have been too, what with school starting and working 40 hours a week. I just don't have the strength to fight for her anymore. Strength isn't the word. I don't have the patience. I don't have the patience because it seems hopeless. She'll never look at me the way I look at her. God only knows what she thinks when she looks at me, but it isn't what I think when I see or think about her. It's the age old delimna. Do I want to be with someone that I love or someone who loves me? Wish I could have both.
I'm sick of sitting in this hallway. Either close the door or open it. But I can't talk to you through a door that is cracked three inches with a chain stopping it from opening any further (wish I knew those things were called...latch maybe?). Maybe I should just close the door myself. Would it be easier that way? It would be alot simpler that way. Alas, my broken-heart belongs to you.
I'm such a fucking baby.
I want to be depressed. I want my feelings to be consistent. I want my feelings to be mine. When I'm excited, it never lasts. When I'm happy, someone or something can always take it away. But when I'm depressed, I'm secure. I don't need a reason to be depressed (I wish I had one). Cloistered agony. That is what I want. Just to be content being alone with my misery.
It's funny that I feel that way. So much is going right in my life. Okay well maybe not. But one really big thing is going good in my life. At least, it goes good sometimes. I'm talking about Deanna. God, I wish she liked me as much as I like her. Things have been going really good lately with our (what should I call it) "relationship." But she's been so busy lately and I have been too, what with school starting and working 40 hours a week. I just don't have the strength to fight for her anymore. Strength isn't the word. I don't have the patience. I don't have the patience because it seems hopeless. She'll never look at me the way I look at her. God only knows what she thinks when she looks at me, but it isn't what I think when I see or think about her. It's the age old delimna. Do I want to be with someone that I love or someone who loves me? Wish I could have both.
I'm sick of sitting in this hallway. Either close the door or open it. But I can't talk to you through a door that is cracked three inches with a chain stopping it from opening any further (wish I knew those things were called...latch maybe?). Maybe I should just close the door myself. Would it be easier that way? It would be alot simpler that way. Alas, my broken-heart belongs to you.
I'm such a fucking baby.