A Glimpse Into My Mind
Sometimes, I forget that I'm a guy. I've seen the movies, I've heard the love songs, I want to FEEL that way. Most guys meet a girl and don't even think about there FEELINGS. They just see a beautiful girl and they want to be with them and that is enough. Or maybe it isn't. But I want to have those warm fuzzy feelings and I don't. And than I start thinking about the beautiful, intelligent, sensitive woman (that I'm compatible with) that I want to be with and I start trying to make myself have those feelings that I think I should have. But I learned a long time ago that you can't force yourself to have those feelings, they can't be contrived or thought about.
I want to have those feelings because I want to be with her. I want to love somebody, not just love being with them. And God would I love BEING with her, but it's too soon to tell if I would be able to love HER. We talk for hours all the time. But we've spent so much time talking about me, and I know that she has those feelings for me. I know you can't just love somebody because they love you. (Not that either one of us is IN LOVE yet) but it has to be about the other person.
The plan: I've been trying to get to KNOW her, and I'm going to continue doing that. It's like there is never enough time. We could talk for hours on end. I know that if we ever get together, we will never sleep. We are going to spend so much time talking, and I love that about us, that we can talk and have conversations. When I was with my ex-girlfriend we never had those kind of conversations.
*Sigh*
I just don't want to go down the path that I went down before and pretend to have feelings that I don't. I like her, I enjoy hanging out with her, I like that she likes me, I like her intelligence, her outlook on relationships, that she has a type A personality, I love how beautiful she is, I like the upbringing that she has had and the relationship she has with her parents, and that she has had a rather interesting life (which I've only glimpsed), but when it comes down to it, I don't know enough about her yet.
This is where I ask for advice, if you care enough about me to have made it this far into my journal entry, let me know what you think. If your a psychologist, please psychoanalyze me. If you are HER, let me know what you think of all this.
For HER: (So stop reading if you aren't HER): I'm glad that I met you. I want to know you. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have someone like you in my life: someone who sees good qualities in me, someone who wants to get to know me, and I want to return the favor. You said that you wanted me to be enthralled with you. I want that to. You said something today to the affect that you hoped you had enough love for both of us or something like that. I hope that someday we BOTH have enough love to make our relationship not only work but be amazing. I'm not asking you to ACT a certain way to win my affection, that's not what this is about. This is about me being honest with myself and honest with you. I'm scared that the feelings won't be there. I'm scared that I'll get so caught up in being loved that I'll forget to love in return. I can't say that I am going to TRY to love who you are, because, like I said, I can't force it. But IF we end up together, I want it to be real, I want to know that I love you as much as I love being with you, and certainly more than I love being with someone. So yeah, I'm looking forward to spending countless hours in the days ahead learning about who you are, and the events and decisions that have molded you into that person. I want to know what kind of person you are. And don't you dare ever feel like you have to try to impress me. You don't even have to try to DO anything. Just be you, and when I learn who that YOU is...
I want to have those feelings because I want to be with her. I want to love somebody, not just love being with them. And God would I love BEING with her, but it's too soon to tell if I would be able to love HER. We talk for hours all the time. But we've spent so much time talking about me, and I know that she has those feelings for me. I know you can't just love somebody because they love you. (Not that either one of us is IN LOVE yet) but it has to be about the other person.
The plan: I've been trying to get to KNOW her, and I'm going to continue doing that. It's like there is never enough time. We could talk for hours on end. I know that if we ever get together, we will never sleep. We are going to spend so much time talking, and I love that about us, that we can talk and have conversations. When I was with my ex-girlfriend we never had those kind of conversations.
*Sigh*
I just don't want to go down the path that I went down before and pretend to have feelings that I don't. I like her, I enjoy hanging out with her, I like that she likes me, I like her intelligence, her outlook on relationships, that she has a type A personality, I love how beautiful she is, I like the upbringing that she has had and the relationship she has with her parents, and that she has had a rather interesting life (which I've only glimpsed), but when it comes down to it, I don't know enough about her yet.
This is where I ask for advice, if you care enough about me to have made it this far into my journal entry, let me know what you think. If your a psychologist, please psychoanalyze me. If you are HER, let me know what you think of all this.
For HER: (So stop reading if you aren't HER): I'm glad that I met you. I want to know you. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have someone like you in my life: someone who sees good qualities in me, someone who wants to get to know me, and I want to return the favor. You said that you wanted me to be enthralled with you. I want that to. You said something today to the affect that you hoped you had enough love for both of us or something like that. I hope that someday we BOTH have enough love to make our relationship not only work but be amazing. I'm not asking you to ACT a certain way to win my affection, that's not what this is about. This is about me being honest with myself and honest with you. I'm scared that the feelings won't be there. I'm scared that I'll get so caught up in being loved that I'll forget to love in return. I can't say that I am going to TRY to love who you are, because, like I said, I can't force it. But IF we end up together, I want it to be real, I want to know that I love you as much as I love being with you, and certainly more than I love being with someone. So yeah, I'm looking forward to spending countless hours in the days ahead learning about who you are, and the events and decisions that have molded you into that person. I want to know what kind of person you are. And don't you dare ever feel like you have to try to impress me. You don't even have to try to DO anything. Just be you, and when I learn who that YOU is...