(no subject)
the past few days have fukcing sucked. the only reason i can write this in this blog is because i'm pretty sure no one reads it. the only possible person that'd read it it nicole. so, that's all good.
so yah. my boyfriend got me all upset after he went & had a friend cut him with a razor over 60 times. why did he do this? 'cause he wants to learn how to cut for me. so he can cut me as a sexual/kinky thing when he gets here. also to know if he'd like it, so i can do it to him. but still. that should be a good thing right? but, it's not. i want it to be, but i can't change how i feel about it. i cried & cried over it 'cause i'm jealous, i guess. i don't like the idea of anyone touching him but me. overprotective? yah, i guess. i'm jealous that someone touched him, other than me & also that i wasn't the one to cut him. he's never been cut before & i'm pretty sure i wanted to be the only one to do it for him. );
yah, so then i went emo & cut my hand just a little bit. while i was on the phone with him, i might add. he flipped out, but then again, so did i. he's never heard me cry like that before. i feel so bad for making him feel so guilty. i blow everything out of proportion. bleh. yah. so when i cut myself i liked to him & myself. i said "oh, well, i'm bored & i need something to do, so i'm just gonna scratch me. you know? draw a little. not like cutting." i knew i was lying. eh, i hate it. i haven't been like this in so long. now i'm going emo again. i do take my meds, so wtf? i got in a really bad mood today, right after i got off the phone with him. it's one of those moods where i feel like i'm spaced, but i'm not. i can't get anything straight. i'm completely confused & i don't know what i'm doing; rocking back & forth. making all kinds of sounds, feeling like an idiot & yet feeling nothing & everything.
on a better note, he should be comming to visit me before december when he goes to the navy. that'd be awesome. i can't go out there though. my mom won't let me go to cali.
i really never thought i'd care so much about someone. & i kinda feel guilty for caring so much 'cause sometimes it hurts him too.. ;\
so yah. my boyfriend got me all upset after he went & had a friend cut him with a razor over 60 times. why did he do this? 'cause he wants to learn how to cut for me. so he can cut me as a sexual/kinky thing when he gets here. also to know if he'd like it, so i can do it to him. but still. that should be a good thing right? but, it's not. i want it to be, but i can't change how i feel about it. i cried & cried over it 'cause i'm jealous, i guess. i don't like the idea of anyone touching him but me. overprotective? yah, i guess. i'm jealous that someone touched him, other than me & also that i wasn't the one to cut him. he's never been cut before & i'm pretty sure i wanted to be the only one to do it for him. );
yah, so then i went emo & cut my hand just a little bit. while i was on the phone with him, i might add. he flipped out, but then again, so did i. he's never heard me cry like that before. i feel so bad for making him feel so guilty. i blow everything out of proportion. bleh. yah. so when i cut myself i liked to him & myself. i said "oh, well, i'm bored & i need something to do, so i'm just gonna scratch me. you know? draw a little. not like cutting." i knew i was lying. eh, i hate it. i haven't been like this in so long. now i'm going emo again. i do take my meds, so wtf? i got in a really bad mood today, right after i got off the phone with him. it's one of those moods where i feel like i'm spaced, but i'm not. i can't get anything straight. i'm completely confused & i don't know what i'm doing; rocking back & forth. making all kinds of sounds, feeling like an idiot & yet feeling nothing & everything.
on a better note, he should be comming to visit me before december when he goes to the navy. that'd be awesome. i can't go out there though. my mom won't let me go to cali.
i really never thought i'd care so much about someone. & i kinda feel guilty for caring so much 'cause sometimes it hurts him too.. ;\