another sleepless night again
i feel hollow..empty..broken. misplaced.
i don't know, my feet are tingly and i know that's not a good thing. i dig through things around the house, and i find cards my mom bought intending to give them to people for certain things. today i found some easter ones. maybe she meant for me to send them to my uncles, and cousins. cuz she would have already done that by now.
i'm schueduled to work sunday. my family doesn't get together too often anymore, and i want to be there. i hope i can find someone to work for me otherwise i'm going to be more angry and bitter than ever before. i need to be with my family.
mother's day is next month. my sisters already have it planned to go to the casino for the weekend. should be nice. but, i don't know. springtime especially reminds me of my mother. sundays in spring. i don't know why sundays are so specific though. everyday i go out and get the mail, and its nice out, blue skies, with a slight breeze, i think of the day i found out. cuz i freaked out, and ran outside in the front yard with the phone in my hand, and nobody would tell me. and then my brother's best friend told me, and i fell to my knees, and then my sister lisa & her husband got there. i just sit out front, and remember it, how unreal it felt, and still does.
there's stuff in my downstairs closet that i refuse to wear becuz my mom hung them there. her clothes still hang in her closet, everybody tells me to tell them when i'm ready to give them away. the answer is never.
i have her ashes sitting right above me in this little thing i got for her while i was in mexico my junior year. my mom is those ashes, and sometimes that gets to me. i remember when we got to my grandma's everybody left the ern in the cupboard, i was like wtf don't ever put mom in there, she needs to hang out with us.
springtime. easter. being a kid and making easter eggs. excited for easter morning, mom hiding our eggs & easter baskets.
my mom is gone. my home is gone. i have no where to go except home.
i don't know, my feet are tingly and i know that's not a good thing. i dig through things around the house, and i find cards my mom bought intending to give them to people for certain things. today i found some easter ones. maybe she meant for me to send them to my uncles, and cousins. cuz she would have already done that by now.
i'm schueduled to work sunday. my family doesn't get together too often anymore, and i want to be there. i hope i can find someone to work for me otherwise i'm going to be more angry and bitter than ever before. i need to be with my family.
mother's day is next month. my sisters already have it planned to go to the casino for the weekend. should be nice. but, i don't know. springtime especially reminds me of my mother. sundays in spring. i don't know why sundays are so specific though. everyday i go out and get the mail, and its nice out, blue skies, with a slight breeze, i think of the day i found out. cuz i freaked out, and ran outside in the front yard with the phone in my hand, and nobody would tell me. and then my brother's best friend told me, and i fell to my knees, and then my sister lisa & her husband got there. i just sit out front, and remember it, how unreal it felt, and still does.
there's stuff in my downstairs closet that i refuse to wear becuz my mom hung them there. her clothes still hang in her closet, everybody tells me to tell them when i'm ready to give them away. the answer is never.
i have her ashes sitting right above me in this little thing i got for her while i was in mexico my junior year. my mom is those ashes, and sometimes that gets to me. i remember when we got to my grandma's everybody left the ern in the cupboard, i was like wtf don't ever put mom in there, she needs to hang out with us.
springtime. easter. being a kid and making easter eggs. excited for easter morning, mom hiding our eggs & easter baskets.
my mom is gone. my home is gone. i have no where to go except home.