I hate old people.
Now, old people just seem to absolutely love me. They're always telling me what a sweet young man I am and how their incredibly ugly granddaughter wants me to bang them or something. Now, I don't mind it, nor do I mind being made cookies every other day with tons of hair smashed into them. I don't mind it one bit, because while they're happily trying to make my life better so that they have boring stories, about the guy in apartment 308, to tell the other 15 strangers they talk to hourly, I'm at peace with the fact that I hate old people.
Now, that may have seemed a little harsh. I'm not even saying that I disrespect or mistreat old people, which I don't, I'm just saying that a little peice of me kills itself for every stupid old person issue I have to deal with every day. Sure, you may say I'm just being an immature, dramatic, sarcastic poopy-head, but chances are you're probably just a brittle, disillusioned grannie; or your sense of humor, which you completely lack, has evolved you into an empty shell of a human being (sorry, I can't quite make it through a blog without somehow insulting my readers). Please do continue reading, as this may be very well informative, or completely stupid. If you're having a difficult time, just repeat this phrase, "Well, at least he isn't making fun of homeless people..." (yet).
Old People With Wheels Not Attached To A Wheelchair
This one should be obvious to pretty much anyone reading this. If it's not, stop reading, pick up the phone, call 911, and explain to the operator that you've recently suffered a massive head trauma.
Have you ever been driving on the freeway and a car three lanes over starts slowly moving from lane to lane toward you? At first you don't notice, but get a severe panicky feeling in your stomach as you realize the car is moving very slowly toward you, so slow that you know there's some crazy old fuck, with close to black goggles stapled to his face, behind the wheel. Sure enough, even as he gets right up next to you, he's still slowly coming, and you haven't once seen his head move to the right to check any type of traffic. Somehow he's gotten it in his mind that because he's old and deserves respect, all cars in his vicinity should go spiraling out of control in order not to impede his forward motion.
For every 1 good elderly driver, there are 768,517 shitty ones. If I can't trust an old person to know how to change channels on the TV, they shouldn't be operating a two-ton machine that could easily kill children, cats, dogs, people, and phone polls.
Try attempting this scenario, but only if you've been contemplating suicide:
Walk out into the street on an early Sunday morning, around 11ish, because that's when a lot of churches will be getting out. Chances are you'll find some old people driving. Now, when you're able to spot one of these from eight-hundred yards away by the progressively slow and wobbly driving, stand in the middle of it's path. Raise your hands and move them around like a cheerleader. Notice his steady decline in speed, not because he spots you, but because there's someone trying to pass him and that sets off an internal alarm that makes him hit the breaks. Now, at about 100 yards, you'll realize that there is no way in hell he is stopping, and his face hasn't even changed from the dumpy, half-asleep look. Now, feel free to die as he hits you going 30 in a 45 zone and doesn't even slow down til 500 yards or later, whether or not your body is still attached to his car. Being hit by a car is embarassing, but it's even more embarassing to be hit by an incredibly slow-moving car.
I'd like you to now take a moment to gaze into the void of genius, because that picture kicked fucking ass. That's not a face on the sun, it's craters, dumbass.
Old People Eating Food Within Five Feet of Anyone
Eating across from an old person isn't much different than standing directly in front of sprinkler that shoots water at you every 15 seconds. Chunky water. Even the noise it makes is about as annoying as trying to listen to an old person in search of something interesting to say and settling for "that one time, twelve years ago, I read you a book" that ends in her trying to remember the memory, but failing miserably, then forgetting about talking about the memory, then forgetting you're sitting in front of her. It doesn't matter what their eating, it will be in your hair, facial hair (if any), behind ears, between finger nails, in underwear, and between your toes by the time you're done eating. You'll find peice of food that weren't even what they were eating lodged in your eyebrows from food they had last week.
If you're eating at a retirement home, be sure to sqeeze your asscheeks together, you'll thank me after successfully not shitting your pants when you realize that there are "stool softeners" in every peice of food you're eating. Feel free to take the image of your grandma/pa taking a nice, liquidy shit to sleep with you tonight, you're welcome.
As you can see by the diagram, old people are nothing but spitting, shitting assholes who smell funny. I'm sure you're already hating old people as well, but if not, you will after my third and final case study, because after this I have to go visit my girlfriend who is volunteering at a retirement home. Please note that if you are old, you should stop reading at this point, because you may want to kill yourself by the time this is over.
Old People Having Sex
If the big, bold typing hasn't solidified my one-sided arguement, then I'm sure a brief description will destroy any psyche you have left.
Imagine a wrinkly old man popping viagra while his disfigured wife of eight thousand years sits naked on the bed. After fifteen minutes of coercing the wrinkled peanut into full-on rigor mortis he grabs ahold of his walker and slowly makes his way toward the nightstand, getting him really horny when he sees his wife's teeth sitting in a glass of water, awaiting his arrival. Skipping the incredibly gross parts, picture him thrusting up and down with little to no momentum as his wife struggles to avoid losing bowl control.
Okay, okay, I just threw up in my mouth a little, but you get the point.
Although I could list many more, I'm sure this gives you an idea as to why old people suck. Stay tuned for our next installment, which includes old people that just won't die, old people that call you but can't hear a word you say over the phone, and old people that randomly walk through high traffic areas and don't get hit.
I do have one question though. Given the girl I'm seeing volunteers at a retirement home, does this post mean I don't get sexed tonight?
I'm willing to take bets.
Now, that may have seemed a little harsh. I'm not even saying that I disrespect or mistreat old people, which I don't, I'm just saying that a little peice of me kills itself for every stupid old person issue I have to deal with every day. Sure, you may say I'm just being an immature, dramatic, sarcastic poopy-head, but chances are you're probably just a brittle, disillusioned grannie; or your sense of humor, which you completely lack, has evolved you into an empty shell of a human being (sorry, I can't quite make it through a blog without somehow insulting my readers). Please do continue reading, as this may be very well informative, or completely stupid. If you're having a difficult time, just repeat this phrase, "Well, at least he isn't making fun of homeless people..." (yet).
Old People With Wheels Not Attached To A Wheelchair
This one should be obvious to pretty much anyone reading this. If it's not, stop reading, pick up the phone, call 911, and explain to the operator that you've recently suffered a massive head trauma.
Have you ever been driving on the freeway and a car three lanes over starts slowly moving from lane to lane toward you? At first you don't notice, but get a severe panicky feeling in your stomach as you realize the car is moving very slowly toward you, so slow that you know there's some crazy old fuck, with close to black goggles stapled to his face, behind the wheel. Sure enough, even as he gets right up next to you, he's still slowly coming, and you haven't once seen his head move to the right to check any type of traffic. Somehow he's gotten it in his mind that because he's old and deserves respect, all cars in his vicinity should go spiraling out of control in order not to impede his forward motion.
For every 1 good elderly driver, there are 768,517 shitty ones. If I can't trust an old person to know how to change channels on the TV, they shouldn't be operating a two-ton machine that could easily kill children, cats, dogs, people, and phone polls.
Try attempting this scenario, but only if you've been contemplating suicide:
Walk out into the street on an early Sunday morning, around 11ish, because that's when a lot of churches will be getting out. Chances are you'll find some old people driving. Now, when you're able to spot one of these from eight-hundred yards away by the progressively slow and wobbly driving, stand in the middle of it's path. Raise your hands and move them around like a cheerleader. Notice his steady decline in speed, not because he spots you, but because there's someone trying to pass him and that sets off an internal alarm that makes him hit the breaks. Now, at about 100 yards, you'll realize that there is no way in hell he is stopping, and his face hasn't even changed from the dumpy, half-asleep look. Now, feel free to die as he hits you going 30 in a 45 zone and doesn't even slow down til 500 yards or later, whether or not your body is still attached to his car. Being hit by a car is embarassing, but it's even more embarassing to be hit by an incredibly slow-moving car.
I'd like you to now take a moment to gaze into the void of genius, because that picture kicked fucking ass. That's not a face on the sun, it's craters, dumbass.
Old People Eating Food Within Five Feet of Anyone
Eating across from an old person isn't much different than standing directly in front of sprinkler that shoots water at you every 15 seconds. Chunky water. Even the noise it makes is about as annoying as trying to listen to an old person in search of something interesting to say and settling for "that one time, twelve years ago, I read you a book" that ends in her trying to remember the memory, but failing miserably, then forgetting about talking about the memory, then forgetting you're sitting in front of her. It doesn't matter what their eating, it will be in your hair, facial hair (if any), behind ears, between finger nails, in underwear, and between your toes by the time you're done eating. You'll find peice of food that weren't even what they were eating lodged in your eyebrows from food they had last week.
If you're eating at a retirement home, be sure to sqeeze your asscheeks together, you'll thank me after successfully not shitting your pants when you realize that there are "stool softeners" in every peice of food you're eating. Feel free to take the image of your grandma/pa taking a nice, liquidy shit to sleep with you tonight, you're welcome.
As you can see by the diagram, old people are nothing but spitting, shitting assholes who smell funny. I'm sure you're already hating old people as well, but if not, you will after my third and final case study, because after this I have to go visit my girlfriend who is volunteering at a retirement home. Please note that if you are old, you should stop reading at this point, because you may want to kill yourself by the time this is over.
Old People Having Sex
If the big, bold typing hasn't solidified my one-sided arguement, then I'm sure a brief description will destroy any psyche you have left.
Imagine a wrinkly old man popping viagra while his disfigured wife of eight thousand years sits naked on the bed. After fifteen minutes of coercing the wrinkled peanut into full-on rigor mortis he grabs ahold of his walker and slowly makes his way toward the nightstand, getting him really horny when he sees his wife's teeth sitting in a glass of water, awaiting his arrival. Skipping the incredibly gross parts, picture him thrusting up and down with little to no momentum as his wife struggles to avoid losing bowl control.
Okay, okay, I just threw up in my mouth a little, but you get the point.
Although I could list many more, I'm sure this gives you an idea as to why old people suck. Stay tuned for our next installment, which includes old people that just won't die, old people that call you but can't hear a word you say over the phone, and old people that randomly walk through high traffic areas and don't get hit.
I do have one question though. Given the girl I'm seeing volunteers at a retirement home, does this post mean I don't get sexed tonight?
I'm willing to take bets.