Meh-he-ness
Thank you Guys so much for all your supportiveness, I can't tell you how much having your thoughts and well wishes helps. I find it so much easier to 'talk' about difficult things on LJ, I think probably because there's the 'barrier' of it being the written word rather than being laid bare 'in person'.
I'm not really a big on sharing type of person, I don't cry in front of people, even J gets a shock when I do, and I tend to go introverted to the extreme when I'm hurt, I just seem to clamp shut, I actually find it physically uncomfortable to open my mouth, like the pain can be shut inside me so long as I don't open my mouth to let it out. I know ya'all will say it's good to share and open up etc but sometimes (most of the time actually) I find it more painful to open up, it's uncomfortable and awkward and I'd rather just stay with my mouth closd and the pain inside until I find a way to work through it.
But I'm good, I think the shock of finding out like that and knowing that no matter how much I don't want it to be true, he suffered, he hurt and he knew pain before he died...that's SO hard for me to directly think about, I find myself looking at it 'from the side' you know when you look at something out of the corner of your eye, so you can see it but the details are a little blurry? Well that's how I'm dealing, keeping it a little blurry.
The fact that my Brother-in-Law is out there right now in the exact same place is just something that sends my heart into panic whenever I dwell on it too much, I want him HOME, I want him SAFE, here and out of that horrid hell-hole that we as a group of people have managed to make of it...
Lessal x