FIC for bewarethesmirk: "More Than This"
Title: More Than This
Author: odogoddess
Recipient: bewarethesmirk
Rating: R
Words: ~4,000
Warnings: groping, Lily and Severus are 16
Summary: Was Severus going to try to get Remus in trouble again? Lily hated that she still felt compelled to help him...
Author's Notes: Thanks to my beta, britpicker, and hotels with ethernet service.
More Than This
He should understand, Lily thought, but sometimes he was worse than her parents and Petunia put together. Severus knew full well all the house rivalry and how you could not, sometimes, go against what your Housemates felt was right.
It was okay when they had sat together in Potions or maybe sat at the same table in the library or study hall, but she had to put a stop to his following her about. The incident at the tree when the boys had debagged him had been a good excuse, but it still bothered Lily. He had been trying to apologise. Maybe she had been wrong?
Then she remembered all the things her Housemates said about Severus. Things like how creepy he was, how ugly and nasty and Slytherin. She wondered again how he had gotten sorted into Slytherin and why he had wanted it, since the other Houses hated Slytherin so.
She had tried asking him over the years, but all he would say was that Slytherin was for those of great ambition, those who were clever. He wanted to be something someday, to make something of himself. He looked down, she knew, on those boys of her House who were already something, by virtue of their name or money. They looked down on him for equally stupid reasons, by her lights. Just because someone was poor did not make them laughable or pathetic. She was poor, after all. Maybe it was different for boys.
Lily hated being undecided. It was one of her worst traits she knew, along with speaking up for those who rarely thanked her for it, and lately, being a bit vain about her burgeoning looks. Still, she had measured herself against her sister her whole life and for only the second time, she had gained something her sister did not already have. The first was magic and the education that came with it. The second was her appearance, which had subtly changed from the small & coltish girl she had been to the surprisingly pretty young woman she was becoming. She had a good height and her features had changed to something more pleasing than they had been. She could not see anything of her sister's rather horsey appearance, as she had expected. It was a startling transformation and she was just starting to appreciate being appreciated.
Sev, she knew, still thought of her as the little girl she had been for so long, the little girl who had listened to him and his stories, stories she knew now weren't entirely accurate, stories about Hogwarts and how wonderful the magical world was and how they would be such great good friends.
She had tried to be his friend. But it was hard being in opposing Houses, and it was hard when your friend was hated by your Housemates, and after five long years, Lily felt more than a little relief at having told Severus she could not be his friend anymore. It almost negated the niggling guilt she felt.
Almost.
* * * *
Severus kept to the shadows. It was not just the 5th year Gryffindors he was avoiding, but even those of his own House. All the others who had seen what Potter did were still laughing at his expense, but the Slytherins were disgusted by him and showed it in ways far more devious.
It had been bad enough he had been caught, yet again, by the Gryffindor gang, and made Slytherins look bad by allowing them to humiliate him publicly; mind, they gave him points for finally having publicly dressed down the Muggle-born he had the poor taste to be friends with; but they subtracted all those points for having the effrontery to kowtow to her and beg her like a Hufflepuff to remain in her favour. It was not the Slytherin way, and Severus was not thought highly of among his Housemates for committing such a breach.
He was used to the unspoken code, but sometimes it made things difficult. Severus was thankful only a few days remained to the end of term when he would leave for the summer. It was the first year he was looking forward to going home more than he looked forward to being in school.
The taunting from the others who had seen or heard of his humiliation and the hostility from his own House was bad enough, but the pain of Lily's dismissal, the severing of their friendship, was more than he could currently bear.
What made it particularly bad was that he could not allow himself to seem emotional in his own dorm. Surly and snappish was one thing, but damp eyes or a quaver in his voice would make his Housemates scent him like jackals, and he would be considered an open target for their disdain, their intimidation, their antipathy. He had never been able to help his sensitive nature, hide it, yes, but not suppress it, and the current situation was excruciating.
He needed a place to collect his thoughts and get away from everyone. Only one place was in his mind at the moment, and he rounded the greenhouses, careful to avoid being seen and made his way toward the Whomping Willow.
* * * *
Lily saw Severus's familiar hunched form slink past the greenhouse window and she watched his destination despite her self admonition that it was no longer of any concern to her where he went.
She frowned as she noted he was heading toward the Whomping Willow.
That idiot! She consulted her Astronomy notes and noted it was, in fact, a full moon night.
She could not believe he was going to try and get Remus in trouble again. That fool!
It must be his last-ditch attempt to prove something to her and the thought made Lily see red.
She would not put up with this from him. It was blackmail and she would not let him.
Lily finished potting her shrivelfigs, and slamming her book back into her satchel, she spelled her hands clean and stormed out of the greenhouse in the same direction Snape had taken.
* * * *
The damnable tears made it difficult for him to throw the rocks to hit the right spot on the tree to allow him entrance.
There were few students outside, since it was close to dinner time, so once he had gotten clear of the lawns, he had been unable to remain in control. He was already crying as he tried to use his wand to levitate a rock to the right spot and finally gave up, nearly sobbing, as he picked up rocks and threw at random, glad for a chance to vent a bit of his frustration.
He finally hit the right spot and ran for the hidden entrance, grateful for a place to hide and nurse his aching heart.
* * * *
Lily crept into the opening in the nick of time, just as the Whomping Willow was reviving. She could hear the thudding of limbs near the opening behind her from the frustrated tree and shivered slightly. She had never done this before, but she knew about it thanks to Sirius's bragging. His voice carried more than he realised.
A different sound carried to her from the tunnel now, but it was vaguely familiar.
She silently crept down the entry, suddenly conscious of making noise.
The sound became clearer. Weeping. Lily frowned. She hurried now, curious. Why would Severus be crying? Or... more likely, she suddenly remonstrated herself, angry, and it was Remus he had made cry. She walked faster and came to a dead stop as she suddenly saw Severus, seated on the floor at the foot of the stairs, leaning against the banister in abject misery, crying piteously.
Lily's heart felt as if it thudded into her stomach, and a memory assailed her now of a time when they were both ten years old and the only tears she knew of were caused by the pain of falling and scraping her knees.
She had gone to the park, but he had not been there, so she had headed to the glade where they sometimes went to find shade and saw him curled up against the trunk of a tree, in the selfsame pose, crying so hard she had been frightened for him.
She had hurried up, afraid he had, perhaps, fallen from the tree and damaged himself, but when he saw her, he cringed and turned from her.
"Go away!"
She had not been able to oblige him. Instead, Lily had knelt and taken his hands and finally hugged him. He had clutched at her eventually, at least until Petunia had come and yelled and before Lily could say anything, he had disengaged her and rushed off, running as fast as he could away from the glade, leaving her to try to explain events to her furious sister.
She had not seen Severus the next day and she had finally taken it upon herself to find his house, and then, to cajole him into coming out to play with her.
His mother had watched her with dark, sullen eyes, clearly suspicious, as if she could not fathom why anyone would seek her son's company. His father, she had glimpsed only slightly, had been fast asleep upright in a chair in the tiny sitting room, mouth open as he snored, several bottles of beer by his feet. In seeing him, she had seen where Severus got his overlarge nose. His bones, however, she had noted, were not at all like his large, ham-fisted father. He was slender and long-boned like his mother and that, she noted now, had never changed.
Severus Snape would never be a raw-boned man. He was a stringy youth, lanky and awkward and suddenly she felt a great pang of guilt in her heart for having denied him her friendship.
Was it so much to ask? He had no one, else he would not be here. Ever since she had known him, since he was a boy, he had only wanted a friend.
She moved forward quietly, as she had when she was a little girl, and knelt by him, then, before he could note her presence, she gently hugged him.
"Wha--"
Severus lunged up, cringing from her.
"It's all right, Severus. I'm sorry. I saw you come here and I wondered why."
He stared at her, and then a black look darkened his expression, even as he swiped angrily at his face.
"So now you follow me to tell on me to them?"
It was so far removed from her intent that she merely stared at him, baffled.
He trembled, still on the brink of raw emotion, and swallowed.
"I came to be alone."
Lily nodded. "I think I understand that. I'm sorry you..."
She could not finish her statement, realising how awful it was to say you were sorry that someone had no friends they could turn to for help.
"Sorry I what?"
She shook her head. "I'm just sorry you're so upset."
He stared at her, and then he spoke in a voice thick with tears and self-loathing.
"I just wanted to talk with you. Yesterday. After the OWLs. And they--"
He turned from her then and leaned his head against the banister. She jumped as he used his fists to punctuate his words, striking the hand rail in anguish.
"I didn't mean to say that, Lily! I didn't! I'm so sorry..." his voice trailed off as the tears crept in again and he softly sobbed out, "I am so sorry, Lily."
She could say nothing, having told him already that it was something she could not forgive.
"You must hate me," he finally whispered brokenly.
"No."
He turned at this and she stepped up and gently wiped at his so-familiar face. She had known him since they were children, and now here they were, nearly adults and soon to part ways. She could afford, she knew, to be kind.
"No, Severus, I don't hate you. I hate the word. I despise your friends, but I don't despise you."
He studied her, and she smiled at him.
"You were my first friend in the Wizarding world, Severus. You will always be that, even as we grow up and go our own ways."
He looked stricken. "Don't say that, Lily."
"It's true."
"Lily..."
"You'd better leave," she said, even as she turned to leave herself. "Remus will be here after an early supper. It's a full moon night."
She left the room and Severus's nerveless form. He stood for a long time in mute incomprehension, and then his face cleared as a sense of horrified betrayal filled him.
* * * *
She could not sleep. Remus was out there and so were James and Sirius, as evidenced by Peter holding watch in the common room as curfew fell.
He was still there when she went downstairs near midnight, but now he was fast asleep by the fire, a parchment he must have been writing on in one hand.
As Lily neared, she noted it was not an assignment at all, but a map. Moreover, she could see movement on it -- a magical map.
She moved closer and easily slipped the map free of Peter's sleep-slackened grip.
Tiny, moving tags with names indicating people, marched across the parchment. Minerva McGonagall and Filius Flitwick were in the Headmaster's office. Albus Dumbledore was pacing.
She unfolded the map until she found the grounds, but she did not see Remus anywhere near the Whomping Willow. Rapidly scanning the surrounding area, she was relieved she did not see James or Sirius.
She saw a tag indicating Professor Slughorn. Lily watched him long enough to realise he was patrolling. No wonder the boys seemed able to get away with pranks no one else could!
Worse, she suddenly realised, as a chill went through her -- this was how they were able to torment the students they disliked. This was how they had been trapping Severus and ganging up on him so badly since last year.
Lily hurriedly found the Slytherin dorms, but James and Sirius were not there, which made her sigh with relief. Then she realised Severus was not there, either. Her hands trembled as she flipped the parchment this way and that, hoping to find him whilst hoping she would not find James or Sirius there, too. The stupidity had gone on long enough!
Green eyes expressing determination, Lily suddenly stood, map in hand, and headed back to her dorm room. If she was going out to deal with any of them, she would need shoes and warmer clothes.
* * * *
Severus leant against the parapet and blew smoke up at the moon, staring at it with a grim expression. She knew!
Lily had known all along Remus was a werewolf. He had never needed to prove it to her, had not had to sneak down that grotty tunnel and incur a damnable life debt to the one person he hated almost as much as Sirius bloody Black. She had gone on protecting the beast, not telling her supposedly best friend... he sighed now.
His bony fingers flicked cigarette ash to the ground and he puffed once more on his contraband. When he had returned to the common room, he had found a small package waiting for him from Lucius Malfoy. Malfoy had graduated two years before, but he maintained an interest in Slytherin House and its students, inculcating the more promising or talented ones with offers of future assistance. It was a habit encouraged by Professor Slughorn, who allowed Malfoy to visit him regularly, in exchange for expensive potion ingredients and the occasional weekend visit to Malfoy Manor.
Malfoy had sent payment for a potion Severus had made for him -- a handsome Gringott's draft alongside a carton of Silk Cut cigarettes from France, as well as the promise of more commissions. It made Snape feel like a king. It was the best feeling in the world to be able to do something not many others could and be well compensated. That was something Lily could not seem to understand.
It was all well and good to be like Potter or Black, heirs to fortune they never had to work for, but when you had little, you had to find some way to barter your talent for favours, preferably for galleons. He had not little, but nothing, and so Severus was grateful to have the attention of wealthier benefactors like Mulciber or Malfoy, those he could depend on for a bit of dosh.
He blew out curls of smoke and scowled at the sound of howling far off in the distance. Thoughts of the werewolf and of Lily's duplicity made him ache. He loved her, had thought she was his friend. She had sundered their friendship a few days ago, but he realised now that she had made her choice long before. Gryffindors flock together, as the saying went. And yet he ached for her.
I still love her. He drew on his cigarette again and laid his head back against the cool stone, closing his eyes.
"You're lucky I'm not Remus."
He opened his eyes to see the subject of his thoughts stepping from the stairwell onto the tower.
His tone was bitter. "You would know."
She frowned. Something was different about Severus.
"What are you smoking?"
"Silk Cut. From France." He drew in another puff and admitted with a touch of pride, "Malfoy sent them to me. Payment for a potion I made."
Her expression told him everything he already knew; that she was appalled; and he felt the fresh tearing of his still-aching heart.
"You make potions for that evil wretch now? He's a Death Eater!"
It bothered him to be thought of as some crony, but it bothered him even more to have those few who seemed to appreciate his efforts constantly maligned. She had been doing that since their first year and he had overlooked it, because she was his friend. Maybe it's time for that to change.
He tried to sound nonchalant. "So what?"
Lily stood back and gaped. "Death Eaters kill Muggles, Severus. They don't differentiate between them and Muggle-borns like me, either."
"And I'm a half-blood. They don't seem to care who makes potions for them."
"Would they buy from me?" she asked knowingly. To her surprise, Severus shrugged.
"Old Mr. Burke at Borgin & Burke's is a Muggle-born. The Pure-bloods don't seem to mind paying him their galleons for his goods. They'll pay well enough if you have something they need, and they don't care where it comes from." Snape suddenly stood, drawing in another puff, looking off into the distance as he spoke. "I'm not a toff like your precious Potter or Black. I have to earn what I want, Lily, but at least it's honest work I do."
"But to make things for someone like Malf--"
He turned around, startling her into silence and glared. "How else would I earn money, Lily? Who do you think hires penniless Slytherins after they leave Hogwarts? Not old money people like the Potters, who would as soon spit on me. Not Dumbledore, who lets your little Gryffindor friends get away with everything and treats Slytherins like dirt under his heel. Malfoy, at least, pays well and he promised more work orders from others this summer. I'm saving and eventually, I'll have my own Apothecary. Then I can do business with whoever I like. That's how it works, you know."
"You're bargaining with the devil. He's a Death Eater, Severus."
Severus shrugged again. "He pays me well. I don't care about his politics."
"What about people like me, Severus? Like Charity Burbage? Do you know what Regulus Black did to her the other day? What if he had done that to me?"
"You have better sense than to write an essay about how Pure-bloods are going to die out due to inbreeding."
"She's right."
"Lily..." He grew exasperated at her stubbornness, and felt hurt. He had thought she understood. He had thought that in this one thing, at least, they were of the same mind. Or maybe it was his own stupid heart, hoping...
"People should be able to love who they like," he asserted. "Burbage is an idiot. She would have the Pure-bloods marry half-bloods and Muggle-borns regardless of their personal feelings. That is worse than Regulus hexing her. It's like saying Ravenclaws should only marry Ravenclaws. What if one falls in love with a Hufflepuff?"
"It's hardly likely," she scoffed.
"That sounds like what you say you despise in the Slytherins. That sounds elitist."
"It's just common sense, Sev."
"Oh, so when you say a Ravenclaw wouldn't fall in love with a Hufflepuff, it's common sense. When a Slytherin says a Pure-blood wouldn't fall in love with a Muggle-born, it's being elitist."
She drew in a breath and he stood straighter, waiting for her volley, but she suddenly shook her head.
"I was right. You have changed, Severus. We don't see things the same anymore."
He fought to keep his voice level, feeling as if his heart was cracking. "Maybe we never did. You've changed, too."
"I have not."
He shook his head. "You knew... you knew all along Lupin was a werewolf."
She got exasperated. "It shouldn't matter!"
"So should me being in Slytherin and friends with other Slytherins!"
"It's not that they're Slytherin, Severus -- it's that they're Death Eaters! I don't want you joining them and hating me!"
"I don't hate you!"
She studied him, his half-open lips and determined gaze, looking eager for a fight. Is it any wonder Sirius and James and he always clash?
Suddenly, before she could say this or make any other point, he had grabbed her by the upper arms and pulled her to him.
His lips were warm and bitter against hers, and it felt like something was set free within her belly. She was too startled to do more than hold onto him so as not to fall down. Then he moaned.
"I've never hated you."
Lily pulled back enough to break their contact and found herself looking into the midnight eyes of her once closest friend. Everything suddenly became very clear in her mind; all their arguments, all the fights he and Potter and Black got into -- everything.
She realised his expression was... frightened, as well as exhilarated. She had seen this expression on his face only once, when he had been over at her House when they were both ten, and her parents had talked him into coming with her family to a fairground for the afternoon. He had never seen anything like it, and she had gone with him on the roller coaster. It had terrified and excited him both, and he had begged her to ride it again and again until she refused... like she would have to do again.
"I... I'm sorry, Sev," she managed to whisper.
He clutched her tighter, and she winced, but did not complain.
"I--"
"I'm sorry," she repeated, daring to move her hand up to touch his cheek, even as she shook her head. His eyes closed and he swallowed.
Then he pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her as if he was never going to let her go.
Her heart raced, but she was not frightened. In this moment Lily knew, deep down, that Sev was the one holding her -- her oldest and closest friend. The first friend she had who also did magic. Somewhere inside her, she would always be grateful to him for the gift of knowledge, for being a friend so she could start attending a strange school without feeling alone.
She rubbed his back and held him closer, too. She could feel his hardness against her belly, but somehow, it did not matter. Sev hurt. She had hurt him. She could not help it. She could not stop it. She was leaving him. Things would never be the same again.
"Gods..." His whisper was a strangled blurt of anguished sound and she realised that somehow, he knew it, too.
Gryffindor courage took over for Lily. She reached between them and placed her hand on his erection through his trousers. He jumped, gasping, and she began to rub it.
"L-L--"
She pursed her lips, pressing her palm upward to where the tip struggled to meet the waistband of his trousers, then rubbing her fingers over and over, hard, against his straining shaft. Suddenly he went rigid, hips jerking helplessly. She released him when she felt dampness against her fingers.
He trembled as he let her go and she stared at him guilelessly in the moonlight. His expression was one of disbelief.
Her voice was clear. "It's over, Severus. I'm sorry."
Dazed, he could only watch her turn and start descending the stairs. The echo of sound carried up to him and faded slowly in the night.
After a long moment, he pulled his wand out and used a few cleaning spells on himself and his clothing. His hands were steady and his expression calm.
He put his wand away and pulled out the pack of cigarettes, lighting a new one with his wand tip.
The inhale was good, steadying, and he drew in more smoke, letting it suffuse him with bitterness and the taste of ash.
He leaned back against the harsh stone and let it abrade his clothing and skin as he slid down to sit against the parapet again.
He heard a far-off howl in the night and looked up at the full moon.
I should have stayed in that damn shack.
He blew smoke up at the moon and sighed in a mood too deep for tears.
It couldn't have hurt more than this.
~ Finite ~
Author: odogoddess
Recipient: bewarethesmirk
Rating: R
Words: ~4,000
Warnings: groping, Lily and Severus are 16
Summary: Was Severus going to try to get Remus in trouble again? Lily hated that she still felt compelled to help him...
Author's Notes: Thanks to my beta, britpicker, and hotels with ethernet service.
More Than This
He should understand, Lily thought, but sometimes he was worse than her parents and Petunia put together. Severus knew full well all the house rivalry and how you could not, sometimes, go against what your Housemates felt was right.
It was okay when they had sat together in Potions or maybe sat at the same table in the library or study hall, but she had to put a stop to his following her about. The incident at the tree when the boys had debagged him had been a good excuse, but it still bothered Lily. He had been trying to apologise. Maybe she had been wrong?
Then she remembered all the things her Housemates said about Severus. Things like how creepy he was, how ugly and nasty and Slytherin. She wondered again how he had gotten sorted into Slytherin and why he had wanted it, since the other Houses hated Slytherin so.
She had tried asking him over the years, but all he would say was that Slytherin was for those of great ambition, those who were clever. He wanted to be something someday, to make something of himself. He looked down, she knew, on those boys of her House who were already something, by virtue of their name or money. They looked down on him for equally stupid reasons, by her lights. Just because someone was poor did not make them laughable or pathetic. She was poor, after all. Maybe it was different for boys.
Lily hated being undecided. It was one of her worst traits she knew, along with speaking up for those who rarely thanked her for it, and lately, being a bit vain about her burgeoning looks. Still, she had measured herself against her sister her whole life and for only the second time, she had gained something her sister did not already have. The first was magic and the education that came with it. The second was her appearance, which had subtly changed from the small & coltish girl she had been to the surprisingly pretty young woman she was becoming. She had a good height and her features had changed to something more pleasing than they had been. She could not see anything of her sister's rather horsey appearance, as she had expected. It was a startling transformation and she was just starting to appreciate being appreciated.
Sev, she knew, still thought of her as the little girl she had been for so long, the little girl who had listened to him and his stories, stories she knew now weren't entirely accurate, stories about Hogwarts and how wonderful the magical world was and how they would be such great good friends.
She had tried to be his friend. But it was hard being in opposing Houses, and it was hard when your friend was hated by your Housemates, and after five long years, Lily felt more than a little relief at having told Severus she could not be his friend anymore. It almost negated the niggling guilt she felt.
Almost.
* * * *
Severus kept to the shadows. It was not just the 5th year Gryffindors he was avoiding, but even those of his own House. All the others who had seen what Potter did were still laughing at his expense, but the Slytherins were disgusted by him and showed it in ways far more devious.
It had been bad enough he had been caught, yet again, by the Gryffindor gang, and made Slytherins look bad by allowing them to humiliate him publicly; mind, they gave him points for finally having publicly dressed down the Muggle-born he had the poor taste to be friends with; but they subtracted all those points for having the effrontery to kowtow to her and beg her like a Hufflepuff to remain in her favour. It was not the Slytherin way, and Severus was not thought highly of among his Housemates for committing such a breach.
He was used to the unspoken code, but sometimes it made things difficult. Severus was thankful only a few days remained to the end of term when he would leave for the summer. It was the first year he was looking forward to going home more than he looked forward to being in school.
The taunting from the others who had seen or heard of his humiliation and the hostility from his own House was bad enough, but the pain of Lily's dismissal, the severing of their friendship, was more than he could currently bear.
What made it particularly bad was that he could not allow himself to seem emotional in his own dorm. Surly and snappish was one thing, but damp eyes or a quaver in his voice would make his Housemates scent him like jackals, and he would be considered an open target for their disdain, their intimidation, their antipathy. He had never been able to help his sensitive nature, hide it, yes, but not suppress it, and the current situation was excruciating.
He needed a place to collect his thoughts and get away from everyone. Only one place was in his mind at the moment, and he rounded the greenhouses, careful to avoid being seen and made his way toward the Whomping Willow.
* * * *
Lily saw Severus's familiar hunched form slink past the greenhouse window and she watched his destination despite her self admonition that it was no longer of any concern to her where he went.
She frowned as she noted he was heading toward the Whomping Willow.
That idiot! She consulted her Astronomy notes and noted it was, in fact, a full moon night.
She could not believe he was going to try and get Remus in trouble again. That fool!
It must be his last-ditch attempt to prove something to her and the thought made Lily see red.
She would not put up with this from him. It was blackmail and she would not let him.
Lily finished potting her shrivelfigs, and slamming her book back into her satchel, she spelled her hands clean and stormed out of the greenhouse in the same direction Snape had taken.
* * * *
The damnable tears made it difficult for him to throw the rocks to hit the right spot on the tree to allow him entrance.
There were few students outside, since it was close to dinner time, so once he had gotten clear of the lawns, he had been unable to remain in control. He was already crying as he tried to use his wand to levitate a rock to the right spot and finally gave up, nearly sobbing, as he picked up rocks and threw at random, glad for a chance to vent a bit of his frustration.
He finally hit the right spot and ran for the hidden entrance, grateful for a place to hide and nurse his aching heart.
* * * *
Lily crept into the opening in the nick of time, just as the Whomping Willow was reviving. She could hear the thudding of limbs near the opening behind her from the frustrated tree and shivered slightly. She had never done this before, but she knew about it thanks to Sirius's bragging. His voice carried more than he realised.
A different sound carried to her from the tunnel now, but it was vaguely familiar.
She silently crept down the entry, suddenly conscious of making noise.
The sound became clearer. Weeping. Lily frowned. She hurried now, curious. Why would Severus be crying? Or... more likely, she suddenly remonstrated herself, angry, and it was Remus he had made cry. She walked faster and came to a dead stop as she suddenly saw Severus, seated on the floor at the foot of the stairs, leaning against the banister in abject misery, crying piteously.
Lily's heart felt as if it thudded into her stomach, and a memory assailed her now of a time when they were both ten years old and the only tears she knew of were caused by the pain of falling and scraping her knees.
She had gone to the park, but he had not been there, so she had headed to the glade where they sometimes went to find shade and saw him curled up against the trunk of a tree, in the selfsame pose, crying so hard she had been frightened for him.
She had hurried up, afraid he had, perhaps, fallen from the tree and damaged himself, but when he saw her, he cringed and turned from her.
"Go away!"
She had not been able to oblige him. Instead, Lily had knelt and taken his hands and finally hugged him. He had clutched at her eventually, at least until Petunia had come and yelled and before Lily could say anything, he had disengaged her and rushed off, running as fast as he could away from the glade, leaving her to try to explain events to her furious sister.
She had not seen Severus the next day and she had finally taken it upon herself to find his house, and then, to cajole him into coming out to play with her.
His mother had watched her with dark, sullen eyes, clearly suspicious, as if she could not fathom why anyone would seek her son's company. His father, she had glimpsed only slightly, had been fast asleep upright in a chair in the tiny sitting room, mouth open as he snored, several bottles of beer by his feet. In seeing him, she had seen where Severus got his overlarge nose. His bones, however, she had noted, were not at all like his large, ham-fisted father. He was slender and long-boned like his mother and that, she noted now, had never changed.
Severus Snape would never be a raw-boned man. He was a stringy youth, lanky and awkward and suddenly she felt a great pang of guilt in her heart for having denied him her friendship.
Was it so much to ask? He had no one, else he would not be here. Ever since she had known him, since he was a boy, he had only wanted a friend.
She moved forward quietly, as she had when she was a little girl, and knelt by him, then, before he could note her presence, she gently hugged him.
"Wha--"
Severus lunged up, cringing from her.
"It's all right, Severus. I'm sorry. I saw you come here and I wondered why."
He stared at her, and then a black look darkened his expression, even as he swiped angrily at his face.
"So now you follow me to tell on me to them?"
It was so far removed from her intent that she merely stared at him, baffled.
He trembled, still on the brink of raw emotion, and swallowed.
"I came to be alone."
Lily nodded. "I think I understand that. I'm sorry you..."
She could not finish her statement, realising how awful it was to say you were sorry that someone had no friends they could turn to for help.
"Sorry I what?"
She shook her head. "I'm just sorry you're so upset."
He stared at her, and then he spoke in a voice thick with tears and self-loathing.
"I just wanted to talk with you. Yesterday. After the OWLs. And they--"
He turned from her then and leaned his head against the banister. She jumped as he used his fists to punctuate his words, striking the hand rail in anguish.
"I didn't mean to say that, Lily! I didn't! I'm so sorry..." his voice trailed off as the tears crept in again and he softly sobbed out, "I am so sorry, Lily."
She could say nothing, having told him already that it was something she could not forgive.
"You must hate me," he finally whispered brokenly.
"No."
He turned at this and she stepped up and gently wiped at his so-familiar face. She had known him since they were children, and now here they were, nearly adults and soon to part ways. She could afford, she knew, to be kind.
"No, Severus, I don't hate you. I hate the word. I despise your friends, but I don't despise you."
He studied her, and she smiled at him.
"You were my first friend in the Wizarding world, Severus. You will always be that, even as we grow up and go our own ways."
He looked stricken. "Don't say that, Lily."
"It's true."
"Lily..."
"You'd better leave," she said, even as she turned to leave herself. "Remus will be here after an early supper. It's a full moon night."
She left the room and Severus's nerveless form. He stood for a long time in mute incomprehension, and then his face cleared as a sense of horrified betrayal filled him.
* * * *
She could not sleep. Remus was out there and so were James and Sirius, as evidenced by Peter holding watch in the common room as curfew fell.
He was still there when she went downstairs near midnight, but now he was fast asleep by the fire, a parchment he must have been writing on in one hand.
As Lily neared, she noted it was not an assignment at all, but a map. Moreover, she could see movement on it -- a magical map.
She moved closer and easily slipped the map free of Peter's sleep-slackened grip.
Tiny, moving tags with names indicating people, marched across the parchment. Minerva McGonagall and Filius Flitwick were in the Headmaster's office. Albus Dumbledore was pacing.
She unfolded the map until she found the grounds, but she did not see Remus anywhere near the Whomping Willow. Rapidly scanning the surrounding area, she was relieved she did not see James or Sirius.
She saw a tag indicating Professor Slughorn. Lily watched him long enough to realise he was patrolling. No wonder the boys seemed able to get away with pranks no one else could!
Worse, she suddenly realised, as a chill went through her -- this was how they were able to torment the students they disliked. This was how they had been trapping Severus and ganging up on him so badly since last year.
Lily hurriedly found the Slytherin dorms, but James and Sirius were not there, which made her sigh with relief. Then she realised Severus was not there, either. Her hands trembled as she flipped the parchment this way and that, hoping to find him whilst hoping she would not find James or Sirius there, too. The stupidity had gone on long enough!
Green eyes expressing determination, Lily suddenly stood, map in hand, and headed back to her dorm room. If she was going out to deal with any of them, she would need shoes and warmer clothes.
* * * *
Severus leant against the parapet and blew smoke up at the moon, staring at it with a grim expression. She knew!
Lily had known all along Remus was a werewolf. He had never needed to prove it to her, had not had to sneak down that grotty tunnel and incur a damnable life debt to the one person he hated almost as much as Sirius bloody Black. She had gone on protecting the beast, not telling her supposedly best friend... he sighed now.
His bony fingers flicked cigarette ash to the ground and he puffed once more on his contraband. When he had returned to the common room, he had found a small package waiting for him from Lucius Malfoy. Malfoy had graduated two years before, but he maintained an interest in Slytherin House and its students, inculcating the more promising or talented ones with offers of future assistance. It was a habit encouraged by Professor Slughorn, who allowed Malfoy to visit him regularly, in exchange for expensive potion ingredients and the occasional weekend visit to Malfoy Manor.
Malfoy had sent payment for a potion Severus had made for him -- a handsome Gringott's draft alongside a carton of Silk Cut cigarettes from France, as well as the promise of more commissions. It made Snape feel like a king. It was the best feeling in the world to be able to do something not many others could and be well compensated. That was something Lily could not seem to understand.
It was all well and good to be like Potter or Black, heirs to fortune they never had to work for, but when you had little, you had to find some way to barter your talent for favours, preferably for galleons. He had not little, but nothing, and so Severus was grateful to have the attention of wealthier benefactors like Mulciber or Malfoy, those he could depend on for a bit of dosh.
He blew out curls of smoke and scowled at the sound of howling far off in the distance. Thoughts of the werewolf and of Lily's duplicity made him ache. He loved her, had thought she was his friend. She had sundered their friendship a few days ago, but he realised now that she had made her choice long before. Gryffindors flock together, as the saying went. And yet he ached for her.
I still love her. He drew on his cigarette again and laid his head back against the cool stone, closing his eyes.
"You're lucky I'm not Remus."
He opened his eyes to see the subject of his thoughts stepping from the stairwell onto the tower.
His tone was bitter. "You would know."
She frowned. Something was different about Severus.
"What are you smoking?"
"Silk Cut. From France." He drew in another puff and admitted with a touch of pride, "Malfoy sent them to me. Payment for a potion I made."
Her expression told him everything he already knew; that she was appalled; and he felt the fresh tearing of his still-aching heart.
"You make potions for that evil wretch now? He's a Death Eater!"
It bothered him to be thought of as some crony, but it bothered him even more to have those few who seemed to appreciate his efforts constantly maligned. She had been doing that since their first year and he had overlooked it, because she was his friend. Maybe it's time for that to change.
He tried to sound nonchalant. "So what?"
Lily stood back and gaped. "Death Eaters kill Muggles, Severus. They don't differentiate between them and Muggle-borns like me, either."
"And I'm a half-blood. They don't seem to care who makes potions for them."
"Would they buy from me?" she asked knowingly. To her surprise, Severus shrugged.
"Old Mr. Burke at Borgin & Burke's is a Muggle-born. The Pure-bloods don't seem to mind paying him their galleons for his goods. They'll pay well enough if you have something they need, and they don't care where it comes from." Snape suddenly stood, drawing in another puff, looking off into the distance as he spoke. "I'm not a toff like your precious Potter or Black. I have to earn what I want, Lily, but at least it's honest work I do."
"But to make things for someone like Malf--"
He turned around, startling her into silence and glared. "How else would I earn money, Lily? Who do you think hires penniless Slytherins after they leave Hogwarts? Not old money people like the Potters, who would as soon spit on me. Not Dumbledore, who lets your little Gryffindor friends get away with everything and treats Slytherins like dirt under his heel. Malfoy, at least, pays well and he promised more work orders from others this summer. I'm saving and eventually, I'll have my own Apothecary. Then I can do business with whoever I like. That's how it works, you know."
"You're bargaining with the devil. He's a Death Eater, Severus."
Severus shrugged again. "He pays me well. I don't care about his politics."
"What about people like me, Severus? Like Charity Burbage? Do you know what Regulus Black did to her the other day? What if he had done that to me?"
"You have better sense than to write an essay about how Pure-bloods are going to die out due to inbreeding."
"She's right."
"Lily..." He grew exasperated at her stubbornness, and felt hurt. He had thought she understood. He had thought that in this one thing, at least, they were of the same mind. Or maybe it was his own stupid heart, hoping...
"People should be able to love who they like," he asserted. "Burbage is an idiot. She would have the Pure-bloods marry half-bloods and Muggle-borns regardless of their personal feelings. That is worse than Regulus hexing her. It's like saying Ravenclaws should only marry Ravenclaws. What if one falls in love with a Hufflepuff?"
"It's hardly likely," she scoffed.
"That sounds like what you say you despise in the Slytherins. That sounds elitist."
"It's just common sense, Sev."
"Oh, so when you say a Ravenclaw wouldn't fall in love with a Hufflepuff, it's common sense. When a Slytherin says a Pure-blood wouldn't fall in love with a Muggle-born, it's being elitist."
She drew in a breath and he stood straighter, waiting for her volley, but she suddenly shook her head.
"I was right. You have changed, Severus. We don't see things the same anymore."
He fought to keep his voice level, feeling as if his heart was cracking. "Maybe we never did. You've changed, too."
"I have not."
He shook his head. "You knew... you knew all along Lupin was a werewolf."
She got exasperated. "It shouldn't matter!"
"So should me being in Slytherin and friends with other Slytherins!"
"It's not that they're Slytherin, Severus -- it's that they're Death Eaters! I don't want you joining them and hating me!"
"I don't hate you!"
She studied him, his half-open lips and determined gaze, looking eager for a fight. Is it any wonder Sirius and James and he always clash?
Suddenly, before she could say this or make any other point, he had grabbed her by the upper arms and pulled her to him.
His lips were warm and bitter against hers, and it felt like something was set free within her belly. She was too startled to do more than hold onto him so as not to fall down. Then he moaned.
"I've never hated you."
Lily pulled back enough to break their contact and found herself looking into the midnight eyes of her once closest friend. Everything suddenly became very clear in her mind; all their arguments, all the fights he and Potter and Black got into -- everything.
She realised his expression was... frightened, as well as exhilarated. She had seen this expression on his face only once, when he had been over at her House when they were both ten, and her parents had talked him into coming with her family to a fairground for the afternoon. He had never seen anything like it, and she had gone with him on the roller coaster. It had terrified and excited him both, and he had begged her to ride it again and again until she refused... like she would have to do again.
"I... I'm sorry, Sev," she managed to whisper.
He clutched her tighter, and she winced, but did not complain.
"I--"
"I'm sorry," she repeated, daring to move her hand up to touch his cheek, even as she shook her head. His eyes closed and he swallowed.
Then he pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her as if he was never going to let her go.
Her heart raced, but she was not frightened. In this moment Lily knew, deep down, that Sev was the one holding her -- her oldest and closest friend. The first friend she had who also did magic. Somewhere inside her, she would always be grateful to him for the gift of knowledge, for being a friend so she could start attending a strange school without feeling alone.
She rubbed his back and held him closer, too. She could feel his hardness against her belly, but somehow, it did not matter. Sev hurt. She had hurt him. She could not help it. She could not stop it. She was leaving him. Things would never be the same again.
"Gods..." His whisper was a strangled blurt of anguished sound and she realised that somehow, he knew it, too.
Gryffindor courage took over for Lily. She reached between them and placed her hand on his erection through his trousers. He jumped, gasping, and she began to rub it.
"L-L--"
She pursed her lips, pressing her palm upward to where the tip struggled to meet the waistband of his trousers, then rubbing her fingers over and over, hard, against his straining shaft. Suddenly he went rigid, hips jerking helplessly. She released him when she felt dampness against her fingers.
He trembled as he let her go and she stared at him guilelessly in the moonlight. His expression was one of disbelief.
Her voice was clear. "It's over, Severus. I'm sorry."
Dazed, he could only watch her turn and start descending the stairs. The echo of sound carried up to him and faded slowly in the night.
After a long moment, he pulled his wand out and used a few cleaning spells on himself and his clothing. His hands were steady and his expression calm.
He put his wand away and pulled out the pack of cigarettes, lighting a new one with his wand tip.
The inhale was good, steadying, and he drew in more smoke, letting it suffuse him with bitterness and the taste of ash.
He leaned back against the harsh stone and let it abrade his clothing and skin as he slid down to sit against the parapet again.
He heard a far-off howl in the night and looked up at the full moon.
I should have stayed in that damn shack.
He blew smoke up at the moon and sighed in a mood too deep for tears.
It couldn't have hurt more than this.
~ Finite ~