FIC for missyvortexdv "Recovering Eroded Trust"
Title: Recovering Eroded Trust
Author: herbailiwick
Recipient: missyvortexdv
Rating: NC-17
Words: ~10,200
Warnings: Violent sex (Severus/Remus, non-con for Severus and dub-con for Remus), used by Voldemort to make a point. Also, slight non-con Greyback/Severus.
Summary: There are obstacles along the way, but Lily and Severus grow to love and trust ach other again. Sometimes recovering eroded trust takes a little forgiving. And, of course, a little forgetting.
Author's Notes: This is actually the second version of this story. The first was very random and very fluffy. I hope you like how I revamped it.
Recovering Eroded Trust
Why did there have to be Houses? He almost felt trapped.
Oh, he'd wanted to be in Slytherin House. It had been a goal of his, ever since he heard about Hogwarts for the first time. Severus had made his grandfather proud, getting into Slytherin. But there was something more important than his grandfather's cold acceptance. And, no, the important thing wasn't, much as his friends claimed, the sexual escapades.
It wasn't so bad at first, because first years didn't sneak off to each other's rooms nearly as much as the upperclassmen. But upperclassmen seemed only to have one thing on their minds. He didn't know for sure -- not from personal observation, at least -- but he guessed the Slytherins were especially into having flings compared to the other houses.
Anyway -- no, it wasn't the sex that he was referring to when he knew there was something more important than grandfather's approval. It was her.
She was the highlight of his day. She was the flutter in his chest and the almost-change in his breathing. He wished he were half as powerful as her in that respect. She'd always been the shimmer of morning light on the murky dump of a pond that was his life, even if he'd mucked things up on their first meeting.
Severus wouldn't call himself friendly, but he knew there were changes in his demeanor (if nearly undetectable ones) when he talked with those he hated, those he didn't, those he really hated, and those he actually liked. Which was, what, five people? And some only marginally.
But there was nothing marginal about his appreciation for Lily Evans. Except for the fights they had, sometimes, about his interests or his actions, she could always bring a smile to his dark eyes. No one could bring a smile to his face if he didn't wish it; he alone held that power. But his eyes were a different story. His eyes could betray him rather easily.
He wished she hadn't been placed in Gryffindor. Well, that was a bit silly, wasn't it? She wasn't even a half-blood, and it was very seldom that even they got into Slytherin. On top of that, she oozed Gryffindor from all her pores. It was something he admired about her, despite despising most Gryffindors.
Personally, he would only ever want to be in that House for her sake. Most Gryffindors were absolute idiots. He was the look-before-you-leap type, personally. Looking before one leapt, after all, tended to result in fewer plummets to one's death.
So, no Gryffindor for him. He might have been able to be a Ravenclaw. That was the closest he'd get to being a Gryffindor. Maybe if he'd tried to taunt her and lower her self-esteem, she could have become a Ravenclaw, too.
But then they wouldn't be friends and none of it would be an issue.
But it was an issue, seeing as they were friends. The thing was, he didn't get to see her as much as he wanted to, and he couldn't really express that to her, could he? He didn't want her to think he liked her like that. Oh, and he definitely did like her like that. She was the only girl he'd ever felt so strongly about.
He rolled over to the other side of the bed to better ignore the sounds coming from one of the other four-posters. The sexual escapades continued.
~*~
"Boo!" she said, poking him in the back with whatever she was holding. He let a slow smirk cock the end of his mouth ever-so-slightly. He'd known she was there, of course.
"You don't frighten easily, do you?" she said, sounding pleased. "Want to help me with this?" she asked, the pile of books in her hands looking a bit heavy.
"Carry your own damn books," he said. Then he added, "You have a wand, don't you?"
She shoved the books into his hands regardless, nearly knocking him off-balance, and waved her wand to Levitate them from there. He raised an eyebrow.
"What did we do in History of Magic yesterday?" she asked.
His mouth thinned into a line. "What did you do during History of Magic yesterday?"
"I just didn't feel like going, Severus," she said with a shrug. "Don't you ever feel like just not going?"
Only every fucking time. "No," he said coolly.
"Right," she said with a sigh. "Asked the wrong person that question. Everyone else would have understood. I spent hours out on the grounds." Then, sarcasm: "I made you a chain of flowers, but decided it wasn't worth the trouble."
He would have worn a chain of flowers if it was crafted by her hands. "A wise decision," he said with a derisive snort. "Imagine."
"I don't know, you might look dashing, all surrounded by little pink flowers. And here we are." She plopped down at her usual seat in the library and began to read.
He watched her read for a moment. She looked so beautifully intent. It made him swallow.
And she'd implied, even while joking, that he had the ability to look dashing.
~*~
There was one time in their fifth year that she'd told James Potter off once and for all. James hadn't touched Severus since, at least not like before. They still had their back-and-forth, but it had died down considerably after Lily had stepped in on his behalf.
He and Lily didn't share their emotions very openly. It had actually surprised him when she'd protected him so vehemently. They usually each fended for themselves. Sometimes, though, they were each there to make sure the other got by.
One night, Lily had come back from Hogsmeade piss drunk. He'd raised an eyebrow at her, hoping she'd leave, when she'd reached unsteadily for his shoulder and pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He'd scrunched up his face in distaste. It was unlikely that was a result of anything but too much alcohol.
The culprit was probably the idiot headmaster's idiot brother. He ran the Hog's Head.
Lily had gone pale and nearly collapsed onto the ground. Severus had caught her and, standing outside the entrance to the Slytherin common room, out in the open, he decided with a wince that he'd have to let her sleep in his bed. He'd set up a bucket for her to vomit in.
Romantic.
It wasn't until he actually had her in his room, in his bed, weak and trembling and, yes, vomiting, that he'd begun to feel a tender side of him emerge. He'd held her sweaty hand and stayed by her side. He'd made sure she was comfortable. She didn't really remember it, it seemed, but he did. It was the first moment he really decided he wasn't all that awful as a person. He had a good side, too. It was just hidden. Really hidden. Almost all of the time.
Yeah.
~*~
They had been so much closer their first few years. They'd been open with each other, for the most part, then. He blamed the Sorting.
It made sense that less time spent together, more time immersed in other circles of people, would put a strain on their relationship and change its dynamic. He knew it made sense. But he didn't have to like it.
He liked getting an in with the Slytherins because the more they appreciated him for what he could do, the more power he could potentially hold. But none of them made him feel as special as Lily made him feel.
They never said "best friends" anymore. They'd used the term until about fourth year, but, again, times had changed. Somehow they still understood each other, though. Except for his attraction to her, he was sure she could guess the meaning behind the things he said. He was rarely forthright with her nowadays. But, then, he didn't have to be.
~*~
They used to be able to do things like feed that stupid bloody giant squid together. They liked to sing together or invent silly little spells like Muffliato. They used to spend breaks doing silly things like cloud watching or dancing around the park, or even watching the stars.
Severus's mother had let Lily sleep over all the time until they reached the age of fourteen. Then it was all deemed improper. To him, it was a wonder that had lasted that long.
They even used to go on little adventures. One time, they went out very early in the morning, before the sun had risen.
"What are we doing?" Lily asked, excitement in her voice as she shivered in only her nightgown.
He just smirked, handing her a mason jar.
They collected some frogspawn, and all that summer, they watched them hatch and grow up into frogs. Petunia was horrified (or maybe just jealous) and told on them.
Lily didn't know that Petunia knew. Luckily for her, by the time Mr. and Mrs. Evans checked Lily's room, all the tadpoles and polliwogs had grown up and hopped away.
Severus's parents didn't care either way, so the next time they caught some, they all grew up at his house. He even kept one of the frogs in an old, busted tank he fixed up with a Reparo or two.
He named the frog Lily, much to her chagrin.
~*~
Severus could never be certain how Lily felt about him. The truth was that she felt much the same way he did. But she feared what he might become.
He didn't know it, she didn't think, but she'd seen him practice the Unforgivables on animals. It was horrible. Seeing what kind of things he was capable of doing -- to harmless animals! -- made her feel guilty for even liking him.
That first night, she hadn't gotten any sleep at all. She sometimes still had nightmares about squealing dogs and rats and squirrels, with Severus laughing during all of it.
Until then, she'd really thought he was all talk. She'd known he could hex people, but the Unforgivables? She hadn't thought he could do it; she didn't know why. Looking back, she'd assumed he couldn't, that he wouldn't have the guts. Well, she knew now that he may not have been rash and bold, but he was the bravest person she knew.
~*~
He was about to go to the Hog's Head to have a meeting with other prospective followers of Voldemort when Lily saw him and waylaid him. There were tears in her eyes. Bugger; women crying was one of his deepest weaknesses.
"What is it?" he said, trying not to sound as annoyed as he was becoming.
"I don't like what you're becoming." She sniffed and wiped at her eyes.
"What I'm becoming?" he said softly, dangerously.
"Why are you doing all this?" she asked him. "Why?"
"I'm not required to answer to you," he replied after a moment.
"Where are you going?" she demanded. "You know I'll only follow you anyway."
That was the thing that got to him. He had no idea what the rest of them would do to a poor, unsuspecting (or maybe suspecting) Mudblood like her. He shivered.
"I'm going back to the castle," he said at last.
He did.
And she followed him.
They sat by the fire on one side of the Great Hall. Lily Summoned her bag and they scribbled and doodled like they were ten years old again. It was odd, and somehow glorious. It was just what he needed.
~*~
The next few weeks proved hellish. He had to be constantly on his guard. There was no telling what sort of things the Slytherins might put in his bed for "defecting", even when he hadn't joined up with them yet.
One time it was a snake and he'd come this close to being bitten.
Another time it was a number of rather large spiders and he really was bitten. He'd had to run to the hospital wing; they were flesh-eating spiders. He would always have a small circular indentation on the back of his right thigh.
That night, he slept in the Great Hall. It wasn't for another couple of weeks that he got caught at it and had to return to his dormitory. He was tight-lipped about his reasons for choosing such a place to sleep, and he received a detention for it.
He tried to go back the next night regardless, but the door was being guarded by Professor McGonagall. He thought about hexing her, but as far as teachers went, he actually liked her. Instead, he turned around and trudged back to his bed in the dungeons where he sat up all night, afraid that if he fell asleep it might be his last.
His performance drooped a bit in classes. It was only when Lily pushed him against the wall one day and demanded he explain why he was throwing his life away that he told her it was all her fault. He shoved her back and walked away.
She followed him and demanded an explanation. She even made a few guesses at why he was losing sleep, including the Marauders and the Slytherins.
"Yes, it was the Slytherins," he hissed.
"I'm not the one who decided to run with that crowd, Severus," she hissed back. "I'm not the one who... who... commits acts of cruelty on innocent animals!"
He was stunned.
"Yes, I know about that!" she said.
He fled.
~*~
He avoided her for the next few days, and "the next few days" turned into about a month. It was a torturous month. He was lonely and angry, and still losing sleep, though he occasionally slept in empty classrooms, or napped during lunch and dinner.
Lily decided to go on a date with James Potter. It was horribly awkward, and he was so arrogant. He had a certain charm, yes, but it was that night that Lily realized the only one she wanted to date, at least at that point in her life, was Severus.
One time, in second year, Severus had spent all his money on a few Chocolate Frogs for her for Christmas. She'd received better gifts, but this one came from all the money Severus had. She hadn't bought him anything in return. The guilt ate at her until he pulled her outside for a snowball fight. (He won; no surprises there.)
For his next birthday, she had bought him a better coat. His eyes had sparkled with unshed tears. When he thanked her with a shaky voice, she was embarrassed and told him it was nothing. He knew better, though; Chocolate Frogs and a new coat were simply incomparable.
Lily had decided that day that Severus needed someone to keep an eye on his needs, to help him out every once in a while. She wasn't sure if she could always be that person. She'd have to see.
~*~
"Severus!" she demanded, pushing into the common room.
His eyes were wide. "You might want to get out of here," he muttered after getting over the shock. "If anyone sees you -- "
"Get up."
"Make me."
She sat down next to him and cupped his chin, leaning in for a long, slow kiss. She pulled away to see his eyes wide once again. Then he broke eye contact, looking down at the rug.
"Enough incentive for you? Look, I went on a date with James Potter last night."
He crossed his arms. He didn't want to hear about it. If she started singing that boy's praises, he'd throw her out on her arse before she could say --
"My mind was on you instead. I miss things the way they were between us. At one point, you were the best friend I ever had. Don't you agree?"
"You are still the best friend I've ever had," he spat, looking up, eyes blazing. Somehow, that earned him another kiss.
"Will you stop that?" he said, dazed and breathless.
"Do you want me to stop kissing you?" she said, kneeling beside him.
He grasped her by the shoulder, but instead of pushing her away, he pulled her close and gave her a kiss of his own.
"Is that a no?" She smirked, lips looking perfectly swollen and soft.
"You need to get out of here."
"So do you."
He didn't try to argue.
"Just how do you propose we take back the last three years of our lives?" he grumbled, but it became significantly harder for him to grumble as she slid her hand into his.
"Slowly, but surely," she answered. "I think we need to share our emotions more, too."
He snorted derisively, but he agreed.
"I've been thinking... you know what I'd like to do this summer?"
He didn't answer that. He hoped against hope that the answer would be to move in together or something of the like, even if he didn't still trust her as fully as he once did.
"Catch some frogspawn," she said.
His hand squeezed hers just a little more tightly. She grinned at him. He felt his face smile without him allowing it to. Oh, bugger.
~*~
"Have you thought about the future?" she asked him.
"What do you mean? Tomorrow, next week, a century from now...?"
"For a job. For housing. You can't stay in Spinner's End your whole life."
"If I killed Eileen and Tobias, maybe," he muttered, and she laughed.
"No, really, what would you like to do?"
He thought about it for a long moment before sighing. "Something with potions, I suppose." He seemed to grow cold.
She thought she understood. He'd always thought he had very few talents, mainly for Dark spells and potions. She placed a hand on his arm and he didn't move away.
"I think I might like to do something with potions as well."
He cocked an eyebrow at that. "Truly? Mm. Then perhaps we could work together."
She nodded. "Perhaps."
~*~
By the time they finished their N.E.W.T.s and moved in together, they had grown a bit more comfortable, but still weren't moving very fast. It was obvious they still didn't completely trust each other.
Business was good, though, and somehow, it was soothing to have her next to him, chopping as he chopped, or to hear her bustling about taking orders, or even to do the same when she was down in the workroom brewing. Merlin, he could get used to the sort of calm, cooperative atmosphere they finally had going on.
For once in his life, it felt like things were finally they way they were supposed to be.
However, they'd only ever kissed, and only ever been out on two official dates, while it had been -- what was it? -- nearly four months. They both knew it had to move forward, but neither wanted to be the one to do it, to break the nice pattern of life they'd set up.
Their parents (well, hers, as his hardly cared one way or the other for anything that had to do with him) had put up only minimal protest. Conservative Petunia was horrified at the idea of the two of them living together, of course, but little did Severus know that Petunia wasn't the only one who'd argued against it.
~*~
"He's a Dark wizard," said Sirius.
James nodded. "Look, Lily, I know you know what sort of things he's capable of."
"Don't do this," said Remus.
"Don't do what, throw my life away?" she scoffed, rinsing out a few vials.
"Exactly that," said James.
"Knew you'd understand," said Sirius.
Lily rolled her eyes. "Look, I understand you all 'reformed' -- at least publicly -- but this is really going great. I don't need your help."
"Are you sure? Just what do you know about him anymore, Lily?" asked Remus.
Lily sighed. Remus was the only one of the four "Marauders" who was actually more than an acquaintance.
"Now, you," she said, looking at Remus, "I do actually believe you're concerned. The rest of you, leave. Go." She crossed her arms amidst their protest and refused to say another word until they left.
"Look, Remus," she said, leaning over the front counter and pointing a finger in his face. "I'm sick and tired of this self-righteous shit you always try to pull. I like Severus. He was my best friend since before school." She grew even louder when he opened his mouth as if to speak. "I know we stopped being best friends but, damn it, we're trying again, and you, Remus John Lupin, are not going to ruin this for me with your uneducated, outdated logic."
Remus seemed to shrink a little. "Alright."
Lily sighed.
"I, um, I wish you both luck," he said, his cheeks flaming.
Lily paused. "Were you hoping I'd get with you instead?"
"Maybe just a little."
"Oh, Remus," she said, reaching for one of his hands.
"But it's no use, is it?"
"No."
"Just don't get caught up with his crowd."
"He left that crowd behind during seventh year."
"Are you sure? Regulus seems to think they're still considering him, and that he may still have ties to You-Know-Who."
Lily paused. She knew that if the information were to come from anyone, Sirius's brother Regulus would be one of the most reputable sources. She swallowed.
"When will he get home?" asked Remus politely.
She checked the clock on the far wall. "Another half hour."
"I'll wait and help you question him if you want."
She merely shrugged.
~*~
"Severus?" she asked as he began to crush some flies.
He had seen Lupin standing there and known some sort of a questioning was going to occur.
"Yes, love?" he said, continuing to look at the flies he was mashing. The "love" thing, she and he both knew, was an assertion of his position as her boyfriend against the threat of a Marauder coming in and taking what was his. Slightly territorial; Lily didn't mind. It still sounded good coming from him. She liked it.
"Regulus says the Slytherins are still bothering you about joining up."
He paused in his motions, glancing over at her. "You don't need to worry."
She sighed in relief. "See, Remus? That's what I wanted to hear."
But Remus didn't leave. He knew she wanted to talk to Severus in private, but he wasn't ready to go yet. "So they're not? Or they are, but you have a plan on how to avoid them? Or maybe you're ready to join up and you just don't want her knowing. That might ruin your perfect life together, right?" he muttered the last to a warning glance from Lily.
"Horace -- Professor Slughorn -- has been helping keep us out of their sights."
"Professor Slughorn?" Her eyes were wide.
He paused, turning to her. "Lily. I must have spoken to you about Horace at least a hundred -- "
"I thought you were meeting with Slughorn about potions!" She shoved him. "What else have you so cunningly left out?"
Remus backed up a step.
"I didn't want to bother you with it," said Severus with a wince.
"Bother me! Well I'm bloody well bothered now, aren't I?"
"You didn't tell me you were still talking to them, either," he said, jabbing his thumb in Remus's direction, "but I suppose that's alright, then, isn't it?"
"They're not related to Voldemort!"
"They're related to Dumbledore, who is just as cunning, if only slightly less evil."
"They want me to join up," said Lily, crossing her arms.
Severus paused and sat down on the stool behind the counter. He covered his face with his hand.
"Maybe I should just go," said Remus.
"No, it's alright," said Lily. She went into the kitchen to fix some tea. Remus stood awkwardly by the solemn Severus.
"I thought you said blood didn't matter," said Lily as she fixed Severus's tea the way he liked it. "At one time, at least, you seemed to believe it. And then you started to get in with that crowd."
"Don't you remember?" he held his hands down in his lap, picking at the fabric of his robes. "You stopped me from meeting with them that day."
"I remember."
"And they harassed me for it afterward. I chose you over blood."
"I thought my blood was worth as much as theirs."
"Then there's no sense in spilling it." He turned away from Remus even more. "I'm frightened," he muttered. "I think I understand that blood has little to do with magical talent or even right to live, but... things can only get worse." He picked up the teacup and glanced into the murky liquid. "I want to join, if it's the only way to save you, to save us."
"You are dating a Mudblood. Merlin, you're an idiot!" she spat. "Look at me, Severus! Fucking look at me! I have dirty blood. I muck up the wizarding bloodlines. I was an accident -- or, as Petunia put it, a freak!"
"You're not," he said softly.
"Shut up." She took the tea from his hand and placed it back on the counter, leaning in close to his face. "You really think they'll let you live -- let me live -- when they find out just who it is you're shagging? Or, well, not shagging."
He seemed to shrink a little.
"You think they won't torture the two of us to death? Perfectly romantic, dying in cold blood next to each other, isn't it? You make me sick! How could you think that was the best way?"
"He'll let me in, and I'm a half-blood," he said, voice shaking. "Who's to say he won't let you in as well? What if Voldemort wins, Lily? What if he wins?"
Lily pulled him up from the chair, holding his body tight up against hers. "But what," she whispered in his ear harshly, "if he doesn't? What if Dumbledore wins? What if the world really is like a fairytale? What if good prevails?"
"Yes, because rash martyrdom is so much more romantic," he scoffed. But she held him, and he leaned against her, and they stood like that in silence.
"I won't join with them," he said at last. "Unless, of course, you fools," he nodded to Remus, "and that fool organization need some sort of a spy. I'm quite debonair, you know, Lily."
Lily laughed softly, knowing everything was going to be alright.
"Actually, we do," said Remus.
Lily and Severus broke apart, staring at each other.
~*~
So Remus and Severus became the two main spies for the Order, pretending to be followers of Voldemort. It didn't take much convincing for him to take on a poisons specialist and a werewolf who both had a lot of knowledge about the Dark Arts.
When Severus claimed Lily meant only as much to him as any business partner could mean, it helped that they'd never actually shagged. But Voldemort was still suspicious. He put Severus and Remus through a test.
It had two parts to it. The first seemed disgusting. Harmless enough, but disgusting, and frightening as well.
First, Voldemort said, Severus needed to be humbled and purge all thoughts of the Mudblood from his mind. He was made to get on his hands and knees and wait, wait for Lupin to push into him.
There was little preparation. His arse felt like it was on fire. There was no way for him to stay impassive; his face was scrunched up in pain. Small whimpers were drawn from him as Lupin was cheered on by the other Death Eaters. He felt absolutely sick. His skin felt like it was crawling around.
And he thought he heard Lupin moan. That made it infinitely more horrible. Not only was it Lupin, he was cruel! He wasn't an impassive crowd-pleaser at all; he was just a sadist. Severus vaguely realized that the tenser he got, the tighter he'd be, but it couldn't be that -- ah, fuck! -- easy for Lupin to be screwing him unprepared -- shit! Had to hurt at least a bit, that friction.
When Lupin reached beneath him to grasp his prick, he gasped, "Stop!"
He heard Voldemort laugh, then give an order to someone.
It was Greyback. Fenrir fucking Greyback moved toward him and grinned that awful grin. "Play nice, pretty," he said, licking his lips. "Be still and manageable, or I'll rip off everything. Do you know what night tonight is?" He knelt in front of Severus's face, licking at the trail of a tear. Severus spat at him. Not fazed in the least, he continued, "It's the full moon."
He pinched one of Severus's nipples between long, jagged, dirty nails and applied pressure until there was blood to be seen. He smelt it on his fingers, and licked. The gleam in Greyback's eye as he looked at Severus seemed to say, "Tastes good, sweet boy."
As much as Lupin was hurting him -- and that was a lot -- Greyback was the thing that really frightened him.
Greyback crawled down onto his belly and reached underneath Severus. Those long nails, frightening enough on his nipple, were terrifying tracing the tip of his cock. Greyback squeezed it hard enough to draw a gasp, then traced those nails along the sides. Severus's face was scrunched up, his body tense, but he didn't dare move. He was being obedient.
It was only a little while longer before Lupin came. Greyback, disgusting thing, fisted himself to completion as well. He traced a dirty nail in his own come and brought it to Severus's lips. Severus licked it off, hair hanging low over his face, body still trembling.
When Lupin pulled out, Severus collapsed onto his stomach. Greyback sniffed at his back, and then down in his crack at the blood that had been drawn. He swiped his tongue across the battered entrance, huffed through his nose, and stood, giving Severus a kick. "That's a good half-blood," he said.
The Death Eaters taunted and jeered a bit more. Severus was too tired to vomit.
~*~
Remus almost fainted when he found out it wasn't over yet. Although he was finding it very hard to think, he was already vaguely horrified with himself. But it was hard to believe he'd now either have to turn Severus or kill him. It was time for his own "lesson". He had to be made to realize that lycanthropy was "a gift, not an affliction".
His mind was still hazed from the odd task he'd just been given in doling out Severus's challenge. Speaking of whom, the fellow seemed much worse for wear. He was out cold.
Severus was revived. Cowed, he listened blankly as he was told what to expect, then nodded, saying the challenge was acceptable (as if he had a choice). Severus could feel himself begin to tremble again. Truth be told, going up a werewolf had always been a nightmare of his. Someone placed his robe on him again with a wand flick.
He flinched at the sounds of pain he heard Lupin make as he changed. Most of the other Death Eaters hadn't been aware that a werewolf's transformation was painful. Fenrir Greyback changed as well. Severus flinched and looked away from him. It was only Lupin he had to concern himself with at the moment -- a very hairy, vicious Lupin.
He was to stand still (even as he still ached!) and wait for what the werewolf would do. He wasn't stupid. He knew that what Lupin would have done and what the werewolf itself chose to do were not necessarily one and the same -- and if they were the same, that was only because, as he now knew, Lupin was a cruel, cruel fucker. He could only try to use his dark eyes to convince the werewolf he was not a threat.
It worked. The werewolf merely bowled him over (to his fear and horror) and bit at his neck (he just might have wet himself) until the skin broke. And then, to his relief, the beast stopped there.
Severus braced himself for the change. But it didn't happen. Puzzled, he glanced up at Voldemort's grinning visage.
"You will not change until the next full moon. Your little friend should have told you that."
"We're not friends," he muttered, shakily. Understatement of the century. He sat up, ignoring the wetness in his robes.
Rabastan Lestrange Apparated him to his own flat and washed him up coldly and distantly. Rabastan must have healed him, too, for Severus found himself mostly healed when he awoke the next morning and was kicked out of the place.
~*~
"You didn't come in last night," said Lily, concerned. She eyed him, scrutinizing. "Are you alright?" He was paler than usual and there was a certain sorrowful edge to the expression on his face, as if he'd experienced a loss.
"The meeting ran long. I stayed at your Lupin's."
"Okay," she said after another moment of staring at him. He visibly relaxed.
He figured she'd probably find out someday, and probably someday soon, but he didn't want to have to speak the words, to acknowledge his new affliction. As if I wasn't enough of an outcast already, he thought petulantly. Then he remembered what else had happened and paled even more.
"God, I feel like such a housewife sometimes, always out of the know," said Lily jokingly as she headed into the kitchen, but he could see the hurt in her eyes.
"You're not," he said half-heartedly.
"Oh, really?" Still that half hurt, half joking tone. "With you two on spy duty all the time, and James and the rest always fighting in the Order, I just... you know."
"Really. Look, I need to head to bed."
She eyed him again, then nodded. "You look like hell. Couldn't get any sleep?" She stepped a bit closer. "Is that a bruise?" Well, well; it looked like some things didn't heal, or perhaps Rabastan had thought it funny to leave it.
She pulled at his collar a bit, and her eyes went wide on seeing the bite. Severus seemed to shrink, and that only confirmed her suspicions.
"No wonder we haven't done it yet," she said, sounding stunned. "Lupin's house, my arse. Unless, of course, Remus gave that to you."
He had, of course, but it wasn't what she thought at all. On second thought, who knew whether the werewolf had meant anything sexual by it? His nostrils flared once at the image.
"Lily," he said softly.
"Don't 'Lily' me, Severus," she said. "Go to bed. I expect you down here tomorrow to help out."
"It's not... it's not what you think," he said, but he was almost too tired to argue the point. He swallowed.
"Oh, really? Then what is it?" He hesitated for just a moment too long, in her opinion. "This issue is being buried now, and will be exhumed later. Go up to bed. Now."
He winced, but did as he was told. As he lay there on his stomach, he tried to decide which was worse: him being a lousy werewolf, or being a lousy two-timer. Maybe him being a rape victim won out. Then again, he'd agreed, hadn't he? And he'd gotten hard, too. He really was a two-timer.
He gritted his teeth together. What the hell was he doing here with her? She deserved so much better. He felt the tension start to leave him as he let a few tears fall. He'd just have to act as if he'd not done anything wrong. She never had to know.
~*~
"I have a poison expert and a werewolf all in one now, Lupin. What do I need you for?"
"But, my lord, he is only a half-blood," said Remus, almost nervously.
"You yourself are not much more than that, Lupin," said Bellatrix with a hiss.
"My lord, if I may," said Severus humbly, "the idiots trust me, but not as much as they trust Lupin." God, how he hated himself for defending his rapist. No, no, his partner in crime, yes. His fellow spy. Even if said fellow spy was a rotten, horrible --
"That is true," said Voldemort slowly. "You can live." He gave a high-pitched laugh that caused Remus to shiver.
~*~
"Thanks," said Remus as he and Severus left the clearing and headed toward the Apparition point.
Severus nodded curtly. Fellow spy or not, he was afraid to be left alone with Lupin. It had only been a week or so. He hadn't really recovered in mind and spirit, but at least it meant the full moon of his first transformation hadn't come yet.
He fetched himself a revitalizing draught when he came inside, something he did after most Death Eater meetings, and fixed a cup of tea to have afterwards. Lily came down in her dressing gown and sat next to him.
"You still look a little out of it," she said.
"I feel a little out of it," he muttered. He refused to elaborate on why that was the case. Lily gave up and trudged back up the stairs to her room. Severus sat there and stared at the wall until sleep claimed him where he sat.
~*~
Severus heard the bell at the door, but he froze in his seat when he heard a rather unwelcome voice after Lily answered it.
"'Lo, Lily," said Lupin with a tired smile. He glanced at Severus, but looked away again.
Severus paled and tried to act naturally as he poured his now cold tea down the sink. Then he practically flew up the stairs, not sparing Remus a single glance.
"Mind telling me what that was all about?"
Remus raised an eyebrow. "And you think I would know?"
"He's acted odd since he stayed the night at your place."
"He's never stayed the night at my place."
"It was maybe a week ago. Thursday, I think. The meeting ran long -- the meeting did run long, didn't it?"
"Well, yes--"
"And he said he stayed at your place for the night."
"Well, he was lying. No one could have come to my house, not last Thursday."
"What happened last Thursday?"
"Lily . . . ." He paused for a moment. "Last Thursday was a full moon. What happened last Thursday happens every full moon."
"You're a werewolf, then," she said quietly. She paused, and he could tell she was doing the "looking back, I can see that" sort of thing that most people who knew him and found out about his lycanthropy did. "So it wasn't you, then. Well, he came home that night looking as if he hadn't slept. He claimed to have been at your house all night. There was a bite mark on his neck! Actually, it was a rather vicious bite. The skin had broken and everything."
Remus stared hard at the table.
"It's irrefutable, isn't it?" she said with a sigh. "Why am I so against letting this failed relationship have the death it deserves?"
"Because you both have feelings for each other," said Remus softly. It pained him to say it, but he had to, especially considering that he'd... well. That he'd done things. "Did Snape tell you that he was cheating?"
"Why on earth would he do that?"
"Give him the benefit of the doubt, Lily. He only plays a Death Eater. He loves you."
"You can't know that, and certainly not any more than I can."
He avoided her gaze. "Look, I have to go." He placed a hand on one of hers. " He'll tell you all there is to know. Trust me." He smiled softly. "May I use the loo?" he asked.
She nodded.
He made his way into the bathroom rather quickly and vomited his lunch into the toilet. He flushed it down, trying to flush his fears down along with it.
~*~
When the night before the full moon came, Remus told Lily to ask Severus about the bite.
It shocked her when Severus started to cry.
"I should be the one crying!" she said.
"You don't understand," Severus said with a dark chuckle. "Tomorrow night, I'll transform into a werewolf." He stood and began pacing.
She sighed. This was getting rather old, wasn't it? "Oh, is that all?" She kept her voice level and calm, trying to get him to calm down as well.
"Is that all?! I am a monster!" he shrieked, staring at her. "I'm a danger to the people around me. I should be put down! Yes, 'that's all'! Apparently Fate can't even let me retain one smidgeon of normalcy!"
Lily sat calmly, watching him as he panted, angry and reddening. She merely pushed her chair back with a scrape and stood, reaching for him. He flinched, but let her wrap her arms around him.
"You could have just told me, you know."
"How could I ever dream of supporting you now? Why didn't I think it through when the Dark Lord wanted us to prove ourselves in such a manner?"
"Rash martyrdom?" she whispered, then pressed a kiss to his stubbly cheek. "Look, we'll be fine. We have our own business, or hadn't you noticed?" She knew he liked to be independent but, as she'd realized years before, he needed someone to take care of him, whether he knew it or not.
"What if we had children? Would they be werewolves?" he whispered, tense and still, ready to flee at any moment.
"We can't have children if we don't have sex," she teased, but he seemed to become even more forlorn. "It's a joke," she said. "Merlin. Well, anyway, the answer to the question you didn't quite ask is yes, I want to have children with you someday. Damn the risk."
He snorted, then sniffed.
"Alright there?" she asked, letting go and stepping back to look at him. "Everything will be fine." She grasped his hand. "I'm sure you can use the Shack."
He frowned. "What shack?"
"The Shrieking Shack. Remus's werewolf hideout for the full moon. He says he's always enjoyed Animagus company. The company of a fellow werewolf could only be even better. So stop crying already, Severus," she said. "The world didn't end just because you were bitten."
"That's not it. I... I don't want you spending time with Lupin anymore. And I can't be with him in the Shack. Trust me on this."
"Why? I want a reason. Don't you think you owe me at least that much?"
"No. I don't."
"He's one of my best friends."
"No, he isn't!" he shouted. "Listen to me, Lily. I know what I'm talking about!"
"Well, tell it to yourself, then, Severus, because I'm not going to just stand here and let you try and tell me what to do."
~*~
He had no idea whether running with Lupin out in the Forbidden Forest was helpful or not. He'd been in so much anguish from the pain of his first transformation that he had passed out, and when he had come to he had done little else than lie there. The next morning, he found that at least it seemed Lupin hadn't raped him as he slept. Then again, the dichotomy between Lupin the human and Lupin the werewolf still existed.
The next morning, Lily had carefully Apparated him home. She'd washed him up in the tub and healed him with spells and draughts. He hadn't even been sentient enough to be embarrassed.
After a few days, he'd been back to his old self again. Well, his new self.
"Hey, love," she said when he came downstairs.
"Hey, love," he said, the words feeling nice but foreign on his tongue. He stood there awkwardly.
"So, I assume I can spend time with Remus again?"
He felt an icy fist clench around his heart. A fist with long, dirty nails. He didn't want to tell her "no" and risk their relationship (hadn't he done enough damage to it that she didn't even know about yet?), but he certainly didn't wish to say "yes"! He settled for grabbing his apron and starting to work.
"Severus?"
"Do what you wish," he said coldly, after a long stretch of silence.
~*~
It was a month after he'd begrudgingly allowed her to visit Lupin again. He'd been in the middle of yelling at her for improperly labeling a jar of beetle wings when she sank to the floor on her knees. His throat constricted as he imagined her crying. She even reached into her pocket as if for a handkerchief. He'd not made her cry more than once or twice since they'd moved in together.
After an awkward moment in which he frantically considered just apologizing right away, even if it normally went against his principles, she withdrew her hand from her pocket. In it was a small box.
She looked up at him through her hair. Her green eyes were completely tear-free.
"Severus, will you marry me?"
Stunned, he leant back against the counter and crossed his arms for a moment before uncrossing them and taking the ring she presented to him. He put it on, staring at it.
"No," he said, just to see the look on her face.
~*~
Lily came into his room later that week and woke him up. Severus rubbed at his eyes, staring at her. She was fully dressed, and in a beautiful dress at that. The reason for it eluded him.
"Let's elope," she said, eyes glowing brightly with excitement.
His eyes narrowed. He'd always imagined Lily would get married properly with everything she desired, from the perfect cake to the right colors to a gorgeous gown. And him, of course, he'd hoped, but he was not nearly perfect.
"Remus and Sirius are coming."
"Oh, joy. Was that incentive for me to get up?"
"I think I'm enough incentive, don't you?" She cocked an eyebrow.
He couldn't help but smile. "Alright." He got up and began putting on his dress robes.
"Do you want anyone else to be there, Severus?"
"No. And -- just humor me on this. You can invite Black. We need a witness, after all. But I don't want to see Lupin. I'm not joking about that."
She frowned. Remus hadn't really wanted to come either; thought he was intruding. She did Severus's cufflinks with a spell, then grabbed his boots and handed them to him. "Alright," she said after a moment. "I'll send him an owl."
~*~
"I'm sorry that you couldn't come," Lily said to Remus the next morning.
"It's alright. I understand."
"Well, you understand him more than I do, then. Did you know Sirius's girlfriend is pregnant?"
"Yeah." He grinned, but then his face fell a little. "Lily... look. Sometimes spies have to do terrible things. He still hasn't forgiven me for something I did. It was rather out of my control, but they gave me something to make me enjoy it." He hung his head a little bit.
"I'm sure he'll forgive you in time."
"I'm sure he won't," said Remus.
~*~
Severus had gone to his own bed the night of the wedding. Lily had sensed that he wasn't ready to sleep with her just yet. Then again, it was early in the morning by the time they returned home, wasn't it? Perhaps he was just exhausted.
She had given him a couple of days' "holiday". Now would be the time, she thought.
He didn't come to her room, so she went to his.
They kissed for a bit after she woke him. It grew more and more heated. The slow slide of their tongues against each other's was bliss. They hadn't done even this much in a good while.
His hand slid beneath her blouse, caressing her chest. He licked and sucked at her throat. She reached for his shirt, but he flinched and backed away from her touch.
"Don't," he snapped.
She frowned. Not knowing what else to attribute this outburst to, she decided it must be shyness and removed her own blouse. She grasped his hands and, sitting up slightly, guided them to the clasp of her bra. He undid it after a bit of fumbling. The material was silky beneath his hands, the color a soft pink that should have clashed with her hair, but didn't.
He slowly peeled the bra from her body, exposing her chest to his eyes, and drew in a slow breath through his nose at the sight.
She raised a hand up to stroke at his chest a bit, through his shirt. He knew he was a bit thin and had little muscle, but there was a gentle reverence in her touch that made him feel quite handsome. Regardless, he still didn't want anyone to see him naked, especially not her. Hadn't she soiled herself enough with him?
She could see his hardness through his trousers and smiled softly. The look made him shiver. He leaned in and began to kiss and nibble at her breasts. They were the perfect size, perfect handfuls with suckable nipples.
They'd done a bit of groping before, but she apparently hadn't realized just how sensitive she was. Those movements had her arching and moaning. He was throbbing slightly by the time he travelled on to her stomach, and so was she.
He lifted up her hips so he could tug off her skirt and pull her floral knickers down. Attuned as he was to subtle scents, he could now smell her just a bit. He lowered his head and took in a deep whiff. She groaned and parted her legs just a bit more. He glanced up at her and she broke eye-contact to throw her head back. "Severus," she coaxed softly.
He nuzzled at her right thigh a bit, then reached her core, where he licked in one long stripe across her beautiful, leaking, lightly-furred, red-in-more-ways-than-one pussy. He groaned at the taste. She sighed.
He pushed his tongue into her, causing her to shudder pleasurably. He lapped at her and raised a hand to her clit to rub gentle circles along the length of it through the hood.
Judging by her reactions, she was completely enjoying it. He was completely enjoying it as well, but it was making him that much more uncomfortably hard, which he was not willing to do anything to alleviate with Lily around.
He pulled back, slipping a finger into her instead of his tongue, and started to lick and suck at her clit.
"Oh God!" she moaned. "Ngn, Sev...!"
He glanced up at her again. There was a wicked, sexual gleam in his eyes as he pressed a second finger in.
"Fuck, I think I'm about to -- uh!" She closed her eyes again. "God, you must be so hard."
He sucked a bit more, running just the tip of his tongue against the tip of her tiny length, and she came with a scream, burying her hand in his hair.
"Oh God. Oh God. Oh," she murmured, body still shaking, pussy still contracting in cute little spasms.
She'd wet the sheets; he smirked at the sight of the dampness. But she was right: God, he was hard. It almost hurt.
He hurriedly left the room, locking himself in the bathroom.
Dazed, Lily heard the shower running.
~*~
"Remus, what exactly happened?" she asked him at work. "Severus flinches if I so much as try to touch him. Don't bullshit me. Please."
After having someone take over for him, Remus motioned for her to step outside. "Don't hex me, alright?"
"I promise," she said after a moment of staring at him with narrowed eyes.
"Voldemort gave us each a 'lesson'. Mine was to have to either turn or kill him. His was... much worse."
Putting this together with the hints Remus had given her earlier, Lily now thought she knew what had happened. "So... they gave you a lust potion?" she asked slowly.
"Yes." He hung his head a bit. "Yes, they did. It's no wonder he hates me now, see? Well, I suppose he's always hated me, but we were getting on well for a bit."
She wanted details, but Remus looked to be in no state to give them to her. Knowing most lust potions, he probably didn't remember much of the details anyway. "Well, I'm not going to hex you," she said. "Go on back to work."
~*~
"I know what happened," she said.
He felt his pulse quicken. "What do you mean, 'what happened'?" he said mildly.
"With Remus. They gave him a lust potion, you know. He didn't want to do it."
"I suppose that makes it all fine, then?" he hissed.
"Well, no. I mean, you're still suffering from the effects of what happened -- "
"Are you saying I don't recover as fast as I should?" he asked lowly, dangerously.
"No! That's not what I'm saying! I just want you to be safe and happy. I love you."
"Fantastic way of showing it, really," he snarled. "How do you know for certain they gave him something?"
"Come on, Severus. Even as schoolboy rivals, you had to notice how gentle he is."
"Gentle like Fenrir Greyback?"
"You're not being fair."
"Was Lupin--" he spat the name contemptuously -- "being fair when he..."
"When he what? When he did what Voldemort told him he had to do?"
"Stop blaming me for it!" he said loudly, practically yelling.
She looked stricken. "Who would blame you? I'm not blaming anyone but Voldemort."
"And Greyback," said Severus lowly, icily.
"Greyback was there?"
"Oh, yes," he said. "Greyback was there." He took up the mortar and pestle and found something to crush.
"How about this: just put the memory in the Pensieve. We'll both go in. You can see if they gave Remus something, and then you can leave and I'll watch the rest."
"Not if I pull you back out with me."
"That's fair," she said with a nod. "If you want me to leave, I'll leave."
They both went in. There were goosebumps along his body. He watched himself strip, but soon looked away from the sight, pointedly ignoring his vulnerability both in nakedness and in position. He kept his eyes on Lupin.
Voldemort took a potion from one of the Death Eaters. He handed it to Lupin with a high-pitched laugh. Lupin drank it down, looking as if he were beginning to sweat in nervousness. Then the potion took its effect and all he presented was an eerie calm with an undertone of wicked lust.
Lupin stripped out of his own clothes. Severus's eyes widened when he heard "He won't need much lubrication, Remus," as Voldemort gave the drugged man a pat on the cheek.
Severus pulled out of the memory without even thinking about Lily, then realized he'd left her in it. Then, he just didn't care. He went to his room to rethink his idea of Lupin. Perhaps Lupin really was that old pushover.
~*~
"Get your money's worth?" he asked as Lily came into the room the next afternoon holding a bottle with silver wisps of memory in it.
She handed him the bottle, and bit her lip as he drew the strand from it with his wand and moved it up toward his temple.
"Don't!" she cried out. "Don't. Can't we just keep it locked up in this bottle?"
"Forever?" he raised an eyebrow.
"Yes! You'll be much happier that way."
"Like I've ever been happy!" he snorted.
"Look, we'll leave it here on the night table."
~*~
He never touched the bottle. It was tempting to regain his memory, that small part of himself, but he loved displaying his own restraint to himself.
It was one night as Severus lay on the bed, staring at the bottle, that Lily stepped in wearing only her bra and knickers.
"Severus?" she said while approaching him. He didn't express any protest when she laid herself down and then motioned for him to remove his pants and, finally, straddle her. He was glad he hadn't when she tentatively took his shaft in her hand and began stroking it to hardness. There was a little twist at the end of each stroke that made him want to moan. He wondered how she'd practiced.
He pressed into the touch, nuzzling at her cheek and then claiming her lips. They kept kissing while she gently brought him to full hardness, Severus rocking his hips into the motion. She could feel a gentle throbbing beneath her fingertips by the time she released him.
Pushing himself up to sit up on his knees, he knelt between her legs and slid a finger into her. She was rather wet, and it soon became two fingers, which he gently stroked in and out of her, reaching up with his other hand to gently touch her clit. He added a third finger and she groaned and arched up toward him even more than she already had been, which was quite a bit.
"You're so beautiful, Lily," he muttered. There was a soft, pleasured look on her face that he could definitely find himself getting used to. He pulled his fingers out and moved forward, holding his cock near her wet, inviting entrance. "Alright?"
She nodded, bracing herself. He slowly slid in, and she gasped. It was like her fingers, only better! Well -- his fingers had been like her fingers, only better, and this was... well...
She gasped and curled her hands in the sheets. He groaned, glad she didn't seem to be in pain on top of the wonderful sensation. From what he'd heard, he'd feared she might be. She gazed up at him as if challenging him to movement.
He pulled out a bit and then pushed in again. "Mm, Lily," he groaned. God, she was so slick.
"Sev," she sighed. She reached up and grasped his shoulders.
She really made a beautiful sight, naked and flushed with messy red hair and shining green eyes. He picked up a nice rhythm. She felt amazing around him, tight and wet and so warm. He couldn't help but let small groans escape him.
She wrapped her legs around him and he moaned as he was pulled closer. Oddly enough, he felt more a part of Lily's life than ever, just from sharing their first time together -- together as husband and wife.
He began thrusting with a gentle fervor, reveling in her moans, just as she seemed to revel in the sounds he made.
He cupped her soft face in his hand, stroking her cheek. She turned her head to catch his index finger in her mouth and suck at it until he groaned.
His hips gave an involuntary buck, mucking up his rhythm, but she just smirked at him around the finger and nipped at it.
She released the finger. "Fuck me, Severus," she said huskily, and, shit, if he hadn't been close before....
His thrusts became erratic and shallow. She sucked at the tip of her own index finger before lowering it to rub at her clit. He came just a moment before she did, thrusting until he went soft inside of her, making her insides even wetter.
The gush of his fluid inside of her was almost unreal, and she rubbed at herself in just the perfect way until she gasped and clenched around his softening shaft. With her other arm, she held him close, not letting him pull out yet.
"Oh, fuck," she groaned.
When she finally released him, he pulled out and sprawled out beside her again. There was a dumb smile on his face that he certainly hadn't authorized.
~*~
A few weeks later they found out Lily was pregnant with a little girl, and she began coming up with various flower names for her.
"It's a tradition in my family," she had said.
"Oh, really?" he had replied dryly. "I hadn't noticed."
Severus shook his head at all of them, though. Azalea? Orchid? Zinnia? All ghastly!
Luckily, they both dealt with potions and knew many, many names of flowers. They were sure to find something they agreed upon before running out of flower names.
As he gazed out at the garden, fingers curled into the fabric of a lacy curtain, he realized something. She was right about one thing: he did seem happier. Living on in blissful ignorance would suit him more than he would have liked to admit.
In fact, he was fairly certain that child-proofing a house would mean he couldn't leave that particular memory lying about just anywhere. He placed it on the mantel, out of reach of even himself, in a way.
It sat up there amongst a few knick-knacks, a grim reminder of a past night he could not really remember. It was merely a swirling silver strand of nonsense, something that must have happened to someone else.
Author: herbailiwick
Recipient: missyvortexdv
Rating: NC-17
Words: ~10,200
Warnings: Violent sex (Severus/Remus, non-con for Severus and dub-con for Remus), used by Voldemort to make a point. Also, slight non-con Greyback/Severus.
Summary: There are obstacles along the way, but Lily and Severus grow to love and trust ach other again. Sometimes recovering eroded trust takes a little forgiving. And, of course, a little forgetting.
Author's Notes: This is actually the second version of this story. The first was very random and very fluffy. I hope you like how I revamped it.
Recovering Eroded Trust
Why did there have to be Houses? He almost felt trapped.
Oh, he'd wanted to be in Slytherin House. It had been a goal of his, ever since he heard about Hogwarts for the first time. Severus had made his grandfather proud, getting into Slytherin. But there was something more important than his grandfather's cold acceptance. And, no, the important thing wasn't, much as his friends claimed, the sexual escapades.
It wasn't so bad at first, because first years didn't sneak off to each other's rooms nearly as much as the upperclassmen. But upperclassmen seemed only to have one thing on their minds. He didn't know for sure -- not from personal observation, at least -- but he guessed the Slytherins were especially into having flings compared to the other houses.
Anyway -- no, it wasn't the sex that he was referring to when he knew there was something more important than grandfather's approval. It was her.
She was the highlight of his day. She was the flutter in his chest and the almost-change in his breathing. He wished he were half as powerful as her in that respect. She'd always been the shimmer of morning light on the murky dump of a pond that was his life, even if he'd mucked things up on their first meeting.
Severus wouldn't call himself friendly, but he knew there were changes in his demeanor (if nearly undetectable ones) when he talked with those he hated, those he didn't, those he really hated, and those he actually liked. Which was, what, five people? And some only marginally.
But there was nothing marginal about his appreciation for Lily Evans. Except for the fights they had, sometimes, about his interests or his actions, she could always bring a smile to his dark eyes. No one could bring a smile to his face if he didn't wish it; he alone held that power. But his eyes were a different story. His eyes could betray him rather easily.
He wished she hadn't been placed in Gryffindor. Well, that was a bit silly, wasn't it? She wasn't even a half-blood, and it was very seldom that even they got into Slytherin. On top of that, she oozed Gryffindor from all her pores. It was something he admired about her, despite despising most Gryffindors.
Personally, he would only ever want to be in that House for her sake. Most Gryffindors were absolute idiots. He was the look-before-you-leap type, personally. Looking before one leapt, after all, tended to result in fewer plummets to one's death.
So, no Gryffindor for him. He might have been able to be a Ravenclaw. That was the closest he'd get to being a Gryffindor. Maybe if he'd tried to taunt her and lower her self-esteem, she could have become a Ravenclaw, too.
But then they wouldn't be friends and none of it would be an issue.
But it was an issue, seeing as they were friends. The thing was, he didn't get to see her as much as he wanted to, and he couldn't really express that to her, could he? He didn't want her to think he liked her like that. Oh, and he definitely did like her like that. She was the only girl he'd ever felt so strongly about.
He rolled over to the other side of the bed to better ignore the sounds coming from one of the other four-posters. The sexual escapades continued.
~*~
"Boo!" she said, poking him in the back with whatever she was holding. He let a slow smirk cock the end of his mouth ever-so-slightly. He'd known she was there, of course.
"You don't frighten easily, do you?" she said, sounding pleased. "Want to help me with this?" she asked, the pile of books in her hands looking a bit heavy.
"Carry your own damn books," he said. Then he added, "You have a wand, don't you?"
She shoved the books into his hands regardless, nearly knocking him off-balance, and waved her wand to Levitate them from there. He raised an eyebrow.
"What did we do in History of Magic yesterday?" she asked.
His mouth thinned into a line. "What did you do during History of Magic yesterday?"
"I just didn't feel like going, Severus," she said with a shrug. "Don't you ever feel like just not going?"
Only every fucking time. "No," he said coolly.
"Right," she said with a sigh. "Asked the wrong person that question. Everyone else would have understood. I spent hours out on the grounds." Then, sarcasm: "I made you a chain of flowers, but decided it wasn't worth the trouble."
He would have worn a chain of flowers if it was crafted by her hands. "A wise decision," he said with a derisive snort. "Imagine."
"I don't know, you might look dashing, all surrounded by little pink flowers. And here we are." She plopped down at her usual seat in the library and began to read.
He watched her read for a moment. She looked so beautifully intent. It made him swallow.
And she'd implied, even while joking, that he had the ability to look dashing.
~*~
There was one time in their fifth year that she'd told James Potter off once and for all. James hadn't touched Severus since, at least not like before. They still had their back-and-forth, but it had died down considerably after Lily had stepped in on his behalf.
He and Lily didn't share their emotions very openly. It had actually surprised him when she'd protected him so vehemently. They usually each fended for themselves. Sometimes, though, they were each there to make sure the other got by.
One night, Lily had come back from Hogsmeade piss drunk. He'd raised an eyebrow at her, hoping she'd leave, when she'd reached unsteadily for his shoulder and pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He'd scrunched up his face in distaste. It was unlikely that was a result of anything but too much alcohol.
The culprit was probably the idiot headmaster's idiot brother. He ran the Hog's Head.
Lily had gone pale and nearly collapsed onto the ground. Severus had caught her and, standing outside the entrance to the Slytherin common room, out in the open, he decided with a wince that he'd have to let her sleep in his bed. He'd set up a bucket for her to vomit in.
Romantic.
It wasn't until he actually had her in his room, in his bed, weak and trembling and, yes, vomiting, that he'd begun to feel a tender side of him emerge. He'd held her sweaty hand and stayed by her side. He'd made sure she was comfortable. She didn't really remember it, it seemed, but he did. It was the first moment he really decided he wasn't all that awful as a person. He had a good side, too. It was just hidden. Really hidden. Almost all of the time.
Yeah.
~*~
They had been so much closer their first few years. They'd been open with each other, for the most part, then. He blamed the Sorting.
It made sense that less time spent together, more time immersed in other circles of people, would put a strain on their relationship and change its dynamic. He knew it made sense. But he didn't have to like it.
He liked getting an in with the Slytherins because the more they appreciated him for what he could do, the more power he could potentially hold. But none of them made him feel as special as Lily made him feel.
They never said "best friends" anymore. They'd used the term until about fourth year, but, again, times had changed. Somehow they still understood each other, though. Except for his attraction to her, he was sure she could guess the meaning behind the things he said. He was rarely forthright with her nowadays. But, then, he didn't have to be.
~*~
They used to be able to do things like feed that stupid bloody giant squid together. They liked to sing together or invent silly little spells like Muffliato. They used to spend breaks doing silly things like cloud watching or dancing around the park, or even watching the stars.
Severus's mother had let Lily sleep over all the time until they reached the age of fourteen. Then it was all deemed improper. To him, it was a wonder that had lasted that long.
They even used to go on little adventures. One time, they went out very early in the morning, before the sun had risen.
"What are we doing?" Lily asked, excitement in her voice as she shivered in only her nightgown.
He just smirked, handing her a mason jar.
They collected some frogspawn, and all that summer, they watched them hatch and grow up into frogs. Petunia was horrified (or maybe just jealous) and told on them.
Lily didn't know that Petunia knew. Luckily for her, by the time Mr. and Mrs. Evans checked Lily's room, all the tadpoles and polliwogs had grown up and hopped away.
Severus's parents didn't care either way, so the next time they caught some, they all grew up at his house. He even kept one of the frogs in an old, busted tank he fixed up with a Reparo or two.
He named the frog Lily, much to her chagrin.
~*~
Severus could never be certain how Lily felt about him. The truth was that she felt much the same way he did. But she feared what he might become.
He didn't know it, she didn't think, but she'd seen him practice the Unforgivables on animals. It was horrible. Seeing what kind of things he was capable of doing -- to harmless animals! -- made her feel guilty for even liking him.
That first night, she hadn't gotten any sleep at all. She sometimes still had nightmares about squealing dogs and rats and squirrels, with Severus laughing during all of it.
Until then, she'd really thought he was all talk. She'd known he could hex people, but the Unforgivables? She hadn't thought he could do it; she didn't know why. Looking back, she'd assumed he couldn't, that he wouldn't have the guts. Well, she knew now that he may not have been rash and bold, but he was the bravest person she knew.
~*~
He was about to go to the Hog's Head to have a meeting with other prospective followers of Voldemort when Lily saw him and waylaid him. There were tears in her eyes. Bugger; women crying was one of his deepest weaknesses.
"What is it?" he said, trying not to sound as annoyed as he was becoming.
"I don't like what you're becoming." She sniffed and wiped at her eyes.
"What I'm becoming?" he said softly, dangerously.
"Why are you doing all this?" she asked him. "Why?"
"I'm not required to answer to you," he replied after a moment.
"Where are you going?" she demanded. "You know I'll only follow you anyway."
That was the thing that got to him. He had no idea what the rest of them would do to a poor, unsuspecting (or maybe suspecting) Mudblood like her. He shivered.
"I'm going back to the castle," he said at last.
He did.
And she followed him.
They sat by the fire on one side of the Great Hall. Lily Summoned her bag and they scribbled and doodled like they were ten years old again. It was odd, and somehow glorious. It was just what he needed.
~*~
The next few weeks proved hellish. He had to be constantly on his guard. There was no telling what sort of things the Slytherins might put in his bed for "defecting", even when he hadn't joined up with them yet.
One time it was a snake and he'd come this close to being bitten.
Another time it was a number of rather large spiders and he really was bitten. He'd had to run to the hospital wing; they were flesh-eating spiders. He would always have a small circular indentation on the back of his right thigh.
That night, he slept in the Great Hall. It wasn't for another couple of weeks that he got caught at it and had to return to his dormitory. He was tight-lipped about his reasons for choosing such a place to sleep, and he received a detention for it.
He tried to go back the next night regardless, but the door was being guarded by Professor McGonagall. He thought about hexing her, but as far as teachers went, he actually liked her. Instead, he turned around and trudged back to his bed in the dungeons where he sat up all night, afraid that if he fell asleep it might be his last.
His performance drooped a bit in classes. It was only when Lily pushed him against the wall one day and demanded he explain why he was throwing his life away that he told her it was all her fault. He shoved her back and walked away.
She followed him and demanded an explanation. She even made a few guesses at why he was losing sleep, including the Marauders and the Slytherins.
"Yes, it was the Slytherins," he hissed.
"I'm not the one who decided to run with that crowd, Severus," she hissed back. "I'm not the one who... who... commits acts of cruelty on innocent animals!"
He was stunned.
"Yes, I know about that!" she said.
He fled.
~*~
He avoided her for the next few days, and "the next few days" turned into about a month. It was a torturous month. He was lonely and angry, and still losing sleep, though he occasionally slept in empty classrooms, or napped during lunch and dinner.
Lily decided to go on a date with James Potter. It was horribly awkward, and he was so arrogant. He had a certain charm, yes, but it was that night that Lily realized the only one she wanted to date, at least at that point in her life, was Severus.
One time, in second year, Severus had spent all his money on a few Chocolate Frogs for her for Christmas. She'd received better gifts, but this one came from all the money Severus had. She hadn't bought him anything in return. The guilt ate at her until he pulled her outside for a snowball fight. (He won; no surprises there.)
For his next birthday, she had bought him a better coat. His eyes had sparkled with unshed tears. When he thanked her with a shaky voice, she was embarrassed and told him it was nothing. He knew better, though; Chocolate Frogs and a new coat were simply incomparable.
Lily had decided that day that Severus needed someone to keep an eye on his needs, to help him out every once in a while. She wasn't sure if she could always be that person. She'd have to see.
~*~
"Severus!" she demanded, pushing into the common room.
His eyes were wide. "You might want to get out of here," he muttered after getting over the shock. "If anyone sees you -- "
"Get up."
"Make me."
She sat down next to him and cupped his chin, leaning in for a long, slow kiss. She pulled away to see his eyes wide once again. Then he broke eye contact, looking down at the rug.
"Enough incentive for you? Look, I went on a date with James Potter last night."
He crossed his arms. He didn't want to hear about it. If she started singing that boy's praises, he'd throw her out on her arse before she could say --
"My mind was on you instead. I miss things the way they were between us. At one point, you were the best friend I ever had. Don't you agree?"
"You are still the best friend I've ever had," he spat, looking up, eyes blazing. Somehow, that earned him another kiss.
"Will you stop that?" he said, dazed and breathless.
"Do you want me to stop kissing you?" she said, kneeling beside him.
He grasped her by the shoulder, but instead of pushing her away, he pulled her close and gave her a kiss of his own.
"Is that a no?" She smirked, lips looking perfectly swollen and soft.
"You need to get out of here."
"So do you."
He didn't try to argue.
"Just how do you propose we take back the last three years of our lives?" he grumbled, but it became significantly harder for him to grumble as she slid her hand into his.
"Slowly, but surely," she answered. "I think we need to share our emotions more, too."
He snorted derisively, but he agreed.
"I've been thinking... you know what I'd like to do this summer?"
He didn't answer that. He hoped against hope that the answer would be to move in together or something of the like, even if he didn't still trust her as fully as he once did.
"Catch some frogspawn," she said.
His hand squeezed hers just a little more tightly. She grinned at him. He felt his face smile without him allowing it to. Oh, bugger.
~*~
"Have you thought about the future?" she asked him.
"What do you mean? Tomorrow, next week, a century from now...?"
"For a job. For housing. You can't stay in Spinner's End your whole life."
"If I killed Eileen and Tobias, maybe," he muttered, and she laughed.
"No, really, what would you like to do?"
He thought about it for a long moment before sighing. "Something with potions, I suppose." He seemed to grow cold.
She thought she understood. He'd always thought he had very few talents, mainly for Dark spells and potions. She placed a hand on his arm and he didn't move away.
"I think I might like to do something with potions as well."
He cocked an eyebrow at that. "Truly? Mm. Then perhaps we could work together."
She nodded. "Perhaps."
~*~
By the time they finished their N.E.W.T.s and moved in together, they had grown a bit more comfortable, but still weren't moving very fast. It was obvious they still didn't completely trust each other.
Business was good, though, and somehow, it was soothing to have her next to him, chopping as he chopped, or to hear her bustling about taking orders, or even to do the same when she was down in the workroom brewing. Merlin, he could get used to the sort of calm, cooperative atmosphere they finally had going on.
For once in his life, it felt like things were finally they way they were supposed to be.
However, they'd only ever kissed, and only ever been out on two official dates, while it had been -- what was it? -- nearly four months. They both knew it had to move forward, but neither wanted to be the one to do it, to break the nice pattern of life they'd set up.
Their parents (well, hers, as his hardly cared one way or the other for anything that had to do with him) had put up only minimal protest. Conservative Petunia was horrified at the idea of the two of them living together, of course, but little did Severus know that Petunia wasn't the only one who'd argued against it.
~*~
"He's a Dark wizard," said Sirius.
James nodded. "Look, Lily, I know you know what sort of things he's capable of."
"Don't do this," said Remus.
"Don't do what, throw my life away?" she scoffed, rinsing out a few vials.
"Exactly that," said James.
"Knew you'd understand," said Sirius.
Lily rolled her eyes. "Look, I understand you all 'reformed' -- at least publicly -- but this is really going great. I don't need your help."
"Are you sure? Just what do you know about him anymore, Lily?" asked Remus.
Lily sighed. Remus was the only one of the four "Marauders" who was actually more than an acquaintance.
"Now, you," she said, looking at Remus, "I do actually believe you're concerned. The rest of you, leave. Go." She crossed her arms amidst their protest and refused to say another word until they left.
"Look, Remus," she said, leaning over the front counter and pointing a finger in his face. "I'm sick and tired of this self-righteous shit you always try to pull. I like Severus. He was my best friend since before school." She grew even louder when he opened his mouth as if to speak. "I know we stopped being best friends but, damn it, we're trying again, and you, Remus John Lupin, are not going to ruin this for me with your uneducated, outdated logic."
Remus seemed to shrink a little. "Alright."
Lily sighed.
"I, um, I wish you both luck," he said, his cheeks flaming.
Lily paused. "Were you hoping I'd get with you instead?"
"Maybe just a little."
"Oh, Remus," she said, reaching for one of his hands.
"But it's no use, is it?"
"No."
"Just don't get caught up with his crowd."
"He left that crowd behind during seventh year."
"Are you sure? Regulus seems to think they're still considering him, and that he may still have ties to You-Know-Who."
Lily paused. She knew that if the information were to come from anyone, Sirius's brother Regulus would be one of the most reputable sources. She swallowed.
"When will he get home?" asked Remus politely.
She checked the clock on the far wall. "Another half hour."
"I'll wait and help you question him if you want."
She merely shrugged.
~*~
"Severus?" she asked as he began to crush some flies.
He had seen Lupin standing there and known some sort of a questioning was going to occur.
"Yes, love?" he said, continuing to look at the flies he was mashing. The "love" thing, she and he both knew, was an assertion of his position as her boyfriend against the threat of a Marauder coming in and taking what was his. Slightly territorial; Lily didn't mind. It still sounded good coming from him. She liked it.
"Regulus says the Slytherins are still bothering you about joining up."
He paused in his motions, glancing over at her. "You don't need to worry."
She sighed in relief. "See, Remus? That's what I wanted to hear."
But Remus didn't leave. He knew she wanted to talk to Severus in private, but he wasn't ready to go yet. "So they're not? Or they are, but you have a plan on how to avoid them? Or maybe you're ready to join up and you just don't want her knowing. That might ruin your perfect life together, right?" he muttered the last to a warning glance from Lily.
"Horace -- Professor Slughorn -- has been helping keep us out of their sights."
"Professor Slughorn?" Her eyes were wide.
He paused, turning to her. "Lily. I must have spoken to you about Horace at least a hundred -- "
"I thought you were meeting with Slughorn about potions!" She shoved him. "What else have you so cunningly left out?"
Remus backed up a step.
"I didn't want to bother you with it," said Severus with a wince.
"Bother me! Well I'm bloody well bothered now, aren't I?"
"You didn't tell me you were still talking to them, either," he said, jabbing his thumb in Remus's direction, "but I suppose that's alright, then, isn't it?"
"They're not related to Voldemort!"
"They're related to Dumbledore, who is just as cunning, if only slightly less evil."
"They want me to join up," said Lily, crossing her arms.
Severus paused and sat down on the stool behind the counter. He covered his face with his hand.
"Maybe I should just go," said Remus.
"No, it's alright," said Lily. She went into the kitchen to fix some tea. Remus stood awkwardly by the solemn Severus.
"I thought you said blood didn't matter," said Lily as she fixed Severus's tea the way he liked it. "At one time, at least, you seemed to believe it. And then you started to get in with that crowd."
"Don't you remember?" he held his hands down in his lap, picking at the fabric of his robes. "You stopped me from meeting with them that day."
"I remember."
"And they harassed me for it afterward. I chose you over blood."
"I thought my blood was worth as much as theirs."
"Then there's no sense in spilling it." He turned away from Remus even more. "I'm frightened," he muttered. "I think I understand that blood has little to do with magical talent or even right to live, but... things can only get worse." He picked up the teacup and glanced into the murky liquid. "I want to join, if it's the only way to save you, to save us."
"You are dating a Mudblood. Merlin, you're an idiot!" she spat. "Look at me, Severus! Fucking look at me! I have dirty blood. I muck up the wizarding bloodlines. I was an accident -- or, as Petunia put it, a freak!"
"You're not," he said softly.
"Shut up." She took the tea from his hand and placed it back on the counter, leaning in close to his face. "You really think they'll let you live -- let me live -- when they find out just who it is you're shagging? Or, well, not shagging."
He seemed to shrink a little.
"You think they won't torture the two of us to death? Perfectly romantic, dying in cold blood next to each other, isn't it? You make me sick! How could you think that was the best way?"
"He'll let me in, and I'm a half-blood," he said, voice shaking. "Who's to say he won't let you in as well? What if Voldemort wins, Lily? What if he wins?"
Lily pulled him up from the chair, holding his body tight up against hers. "But what," she whispered in his ear harshly, "if he doesn't? What if Dumbledore wins? What if the world really is like a fairytale? What if good prevails?"
"Yes, because rash martyrdom is so much more romantic," he scoffed. But she held him, and he leaned against her, and they stood like that in silence.
"I won't join with them," he said at last. "Unless, of course, you fools," he nodded to Remus, "and that fool organization need some sort of a spy. I'm quite debonair, you know, Lily."
Lily laughed softly, knowing everything was going to be alright.
"Actually, we do," said Remus.
Lily and Severus broke apart, staring at each other.
~*~
So Remus and Severus became the two main spies for the Order, pretending to be followers of Voldemort. It didn't take much convincing for him to take on a poisons specialist and a werewolf who both had a lot of knowledge about the Dark Arts.
When Severus claimed Lily meant only as much to him as any business partner could mean, it helped that they'd never actually shagged. But Voldemort was still suspicious. He put Severus and Remus through a test.
It had two parts to it. The first seemed disgusting. Harmless enough, but disgusting, and frightening as well.
First, Voldemort said, Severus needed to be humbled and purge all thoughts of the Mudblood from his mind. He was made to get on his hands and knees and wait, wait for Lupin to push into him.
There was little preparation. His arse felt like it was on fire. There was no way for him to stay impassive; his face was scrunched up in pain. Small whimpers were drawn from him as Lupin was cheered on by the other Death Eaters. He felt absolutely sick. His skin felt like it was crawling around.
And he thought he heard Lupin moan. That made it infinitely more horrible. Not only was it Lupin, he was cruel! He wasn't an impassive crowd-pleaser at all; he was just a sadist. Severus vaguely realized that the tenser he got, the tighter he'd be, but it couldn't be that -- ah, fuck! -- easy for Lupin to be screwing him unprepared -- shit! Had to hurt at least a bit, that friction.
When Lupin reached beneath him to grasp his prick, he gasped, "Stop!"
He heard Voldemort laugh, then give an order to someone.
It was Greyback. Fenrir fucking Greyback moved toward him and grinned that awful grin. "Play nice, pretty," he said, licking his lips. "Be still and manageable, or I'll rip off everything. Do you know what night tonight is?" He knelt in front of Severus's face, licking at the trail of a tear. Severus spat at him. Not fazed in the least, he continued, "It's the full moon."
He pinched one of Severus's nipples between long, jagged, dirty nails and applied pressure until there was blood to be seen. He smelt it on his fingers, and licked. The gleam in Greyback's eye as he looked at Severus seemed to say, "Tastes good, sweet boy."
As much as Lupin was hurting him -- and that was a lot -- Greyback was the thing that really frightened him.
Greyback crawled down onto his belly and reached underneath Severus. Those long nails, frightening enough on his nipple, were terrifying tracing the tip of his cock. Greyback squeezed it hard enough to draw a gasp, then traced those nails along the sides. Severus's face was scrunched up, his body tense, but he didn't dare move. He was being obedient.
It was only a little while longer before Lupin came. Greyback, disgusting thing, fisted himself to completion as well. He traced a dirty nail in his own come and brought it to Severus's lips. Severus licked it off, hair hanging low over his face, body still trembling.
When Lupin pulled out, Severus collapsed onto his stomach. Greyback sniffed at his back, and then down in his crack at the blood that had been drawn. He swiped his tongue across the battered entrance, huffed through his nose, and stood, giving Severus a kick. "That's a good half-blood," he said.
The Death Eaters taunted and jeered a bit more. Severus was too tired to vomit.
~*~
Remus almost fainted when he found out it wasn't over yet. Although he was finding it very hard to think, he was already vaguely horrified with himself. But it was hard to believe he'd now either have to turn Severus or kill him. It was time for his own "lesson". He had to be made to realize that lycanthropy was "a gift, not an affliction".
His mind was still hazed from the odd task he'd just been given in doling out Severus's challenge. Speaking of whom, the fellow seemed much worse for wear. He was out cold.
Severus was revived. Cowed, he listened blankly as he was told what to expect, then nodded, saying the challenge was acceptable (as if he had a choice). Severus could feel himself begin to tremble again. Truth be told, going up a werewolf had always been a nightmare of his. Someone placed his robe on him again with a wand flick.
He flinched at the sounds of pain he heard Lupin make as he changed. Most of the other Death Eaters hadn't been aware that a werewolf's transformation was painful. Fenrir Greyback changed as well. Severus flinched and looked away from him. It was only Lupin he had to concern himself with at the moment -- a very hairy, vicious Lupin.
He was to stand still (even as he still ached!) and wait for what the werewolf would do. He wasn't stupid. He knew that what Lupin would have done and what the werewolf itself chose to do were not necessarily one and the same -- and if they were the same, that was only because, as he now knew, Lupin was a cruel, cruel fucker. He could only try to use his dark eyes to convince the werewolf he was not a threat.
It worked. The werewolf merely bowled him over (to his fear and horror) and bit at his neck (he just might have wet himself) until the skin broke. And then, to his relief, the beast stopped there.
Severus braced himself for the change. But it didn't happen. Puzzled, he glanced up at Voldemort's grinning visage.
"You will not change until the next full moon. Your little friend should have told you that."
"We're not friends," he muttered, shakily. Understatement of the century. He sat up, ignoring the wetness in his robes.
Rabastan Lestrange Apparated him to his own flat and washed him up coldly and distantly. Rabastan must have healed him, too, for Severus found himself mostly healed when he awoke the next morning and was kicked out of the place.
~*~
"You didn't come in last night," said Lily, concerned. She eyed him, scrutinizing. "Are you alright?" He was paler than usual and there was a certain sorrowful edge to the expression on his face, as if he'd experienced a loss.
"The meeting ran long. I stayed at your Lupin's."
"Okay," she said after another moment of staring at him. He visibly relaxed.
He figured she'd probably find out someday, and probably someday soon, but he didn't want to have to speak the words, to acknowledge his new affliction. As if I wasn't enough of an outcast already, he thought petulantly. Then he remembered what else had happened and paled even more.
"God, I feel like such a housewife sometimes, always out of the know," said Lily jokingly as she headed into the kitchen, but he could see the hurt in her eyes.
"You're not," he said half-heartedly.
"Oh, really?" Still that half hurt, half joking tone. "With you two on spy duty all the time, and James and the rest always fighting in the Order, I just... you know."
"Really. Look, I need to head to bed."
She eyed him again, then nodded. "You look like hell. Couldn't get any sleep?" She stepped a bit closer. "Is that a bruise?" Well, well; it looked like some things didn't heal, or perhaps Rabastan had thought it funny to leave it.
She pulled at his collar a bit, and her eyes went wide on seeing the bite. Severus seemed to shrink, and that only confirmed her suspicions.
"No wonder we haven't done it yet," she said, sounding stunned. "Lupin's house, my arse. Unless, of course, Remus gave that to you."
He had, of course, but it wasn't what she thought at all. On second thought, who knew whether the werewolf had meant anything sexual by it? His nostrils flared once at the image.
"Lily," he said softly.
"Don't 'Lily' me, Severus," she said. "Go to bed. I expect you down here tomorrow to help out."
"It's not... it's not what you think," he said, but he was almost too tired to argue the point. He swallowed.
"Oh, really? Then what is it?" He hesitated for just a moment too long, in her opinion. "This issue is being buried now, and will be exhumed later. Go up to bed. Now."
He winced, but did as he was told. As he lay there on his stomach, he tried to decide which was worse: him being a lousy werewolf, or being a lousy two-timer. Maybe him being a rape victim won out. Then again, he'd agreed, hadn't he? And he'd gotten hard, too. He really was a two-timer.
He gritted his teeth together. What the hell was he doing here with her? She deserved so much better. He felt the tension start to leave him as he let a few tears fall. He'd just have to act as if he'd not done anything wrong. She never had to know.
~*~
"I have a poison expert and a werewolf all in one now, Lupin. What do I need you for?"
"But, my lord, he is only a half-blood," said Remus, almost nervously.
"You yourself are not much more than that, Lupin," said Bellatrix with a hiss.
"My lord, if I may," said Severus humbly, "the idiots trust me, but not as much as they trust Lupin." God, how he hated himself for defending his rapist. No, no, his partner in crime, yes. His fellow spy. Even if said fellow spy was a rotten, horrible --
"That is true," said Voldemort slowly. "You can live." He gave a high-pitched laugh that caused Remus to shiver.
~*~
"Thanks," said Remus as he and Severus left the clearing and headed toward the Apparition point.
Severus nodded curtly. Fellow spy or not, he was afraid to be left alone with Lupin. It had only been a week or so. He hadn't really recovered in mind and spirit, but at least it meant the full moon of his first transformation hadn't come yet.
He fetched himself a revitalizing draught when he came inside, something he did after most Death Eater meetings, and fixed a cup of tea to have afterwards. Lily came down in her dressing gown and sat next to him.
"You still look a little out of it," she said.
"I feel a little out of it," he muttered. He refused to elaborate on why that was the case. Lily gave up and trudged back up the stairs to her room. Severus sat there and stared at the wall until sleep claimed him where he sat.
~*~
Severus heard the bell at the door, but he froze in his seat when he heard a rather unwelcome voice after Lily answered it.
"'Lo, Lily," said Lupin with a tired smile. He glanced at Severus, but looked away again.
Severus paled and tried to act naturally as he poured his now cold tea down the sink. Then he practically flew up the stairs, not sparing Remus a single glance.
"Mind telling me what that was all about?"
Remus raised an eyebrow. "And you think I would know?"
"He's acted odd since he stayed the night at your place."
"He's never stayed the night at my place."
"It was maybe a week ago. Thursday, I think. The meeting ran long -- the meeting did run long, didn't it?"
"Well, yes--"
"And he said he stayed at your place for the night."
"Well, he was lying. No one could have come to my house, not last Thursday."
"What happened last Thursday?"
"Lily . . . ." He paused for a moment. "Last Thursday was a full moon. What happened last Thursday happens every full moon."
"You're a werewolf, then," she said quietly. She paused, and he could tell she was doing the "looking back, I can see that" sort of thing that most people who knew him and found out about his lycanthropy did. "So it wasn't you, then. Well, he came home that night looking as if he hadn't slept. He claimed to have been at your house all night. There was a bite mark on his neck! Actually, it was a rather vicious bite. The skin had broken and everything."
Remus stared hard at the table.
"It's irrefutable, isn't it?" she said with a sigh. "Why am I so against letting this failed relationship have the death it deserves?"
"Because you both have feelings for each other," said Remus softly. It pained him to say it, but he had to, especially considering that he'd... well. That he'd done things. "Did Snape tell you that he was cheating?"
"Why on earth would he do that?"
"Give him the benefit of the doubt, Lily. He only plays a Death Eater. He loves you."
"You can't know that, and certainly not any more than I can."
He avoided her gaze. "Look, I have to go." He placed a hand on one of hers. " He'll tell you all there is to know. Trust me." He smiled softly. "May I use the loo?" he asked.
She nodded.
He made his way into the bathroom rather quickly and vomited his lunch into the toilet. He flushed it down, trying to flush his fears down along with it.
~*~
When the night before the full moon came, Remus told Lily to ask Severus about the bite.
It shocked her when Severus started to cry.
"I should be the one crying!" she said.
"You don't understand," Severus said with a dark chuckle. "Tomorrow night, I'll transform into a werewolf." He stood and began pacing.
She sighed. This was getting rather old, wasn't it? "Oh, is that all?" She kept her voice level and calm, trying to get him to calm down as well.
"Is that all?! I am a monster!" he shrieked, staring at her. "I'm a danger to the people around me. I should be put down! Yes, 'that's all'! Apparently Fate can't even let me retain one smidgeon of normalcy!"
Lily sat calmly, watching him as he panted, angry and reddening. She merely pushed her chair back with a scrape and stood, reaching for him. He flinched, but let her wrap her arms around him.
"You could have just told me, you know."
"How could I ever dream of supporting you now? Why didn't I think it through when the Dark Lord wanted us to prove ourselves in such a manner?"
"Rash martyrdom?" she whispered, then pressed a kiss to his stubbly cheek. "Look, we'll be fine. We have our own business, or hadn't you noticed?" She knew he liked to be independent but, as she'd realized years before, he needed someone to take care of him, whether he knew it or not.
"What if we had children? Would they be werewolves?" he whispered, tense and still, ready to flee at any moment.
"We can't have children if we don't have sex," she teased, but he seemed to become even more forlorn. "It's a joke," she said. "Merlin. Well, anyway, the answer to the question you didn't quite ask is yes, I want to have children with you someday. Damn the risk."
He snorted, then sniffed.
"Alright there?" she asked, letting go and stepping back to look at him. "Everything will be fine." She grasped his hand. "I'm sure you can use the Shack."
He frowned. "What shack?"
"The Shrieking Shack. Remus's werewolf hideout for the full moon. He says he's always enjoyed Animagus company. The company of a fellow werewolf could only be even better. So stop crying already, Severus," she said. "The world didn't end just because you were bitten."
"That's not it. I... I don't want you spending time with Lupin anymore. And I can't be with him in the Shack. Trust me on this."
"Why? I want a reason. Don't you think you owe me at least that much?"
"No. I don't."
"He's one of my best friends."
"No, he isn't!" he shouted. "Listen to me, Lily. I know what I'm talking about!"
"Well, tell it to yourself, then, Severus, because I'm not going to just stand here and let you try and tell me what to do."
~*~
He had no idea whether running with Lupin out in the Forbidden Forest was helpful or not. He'd been in so much anguish from the pain of his first transformation that he had passed out, and when he had come to he had done little else than lie there. The next morning, he found that at least it seemed Lupin hadn't raped him as he slept. Then again, the dichotomy between Lupin the human and Lupin the werewolf still existed.
The next morning, Lily had carefully Apparated him home. She'd washed him up in the tub and healed him with spells and draughts. He hadn't even been sentient enough to be embarrassed.
After a few days, he'd been back to his old self again. Well, his new self.
"Hey, love," she said when he came downstairs.
"Hey, love," he said, the words feeling nice but foreign on his tongue. He stood there awkwardly.
"So, I assume I can spend time with Remus again?"
He felt an icy fist clench around his heart. A fist with long, dirty nails. He didn't want to tell her "no" and risk their relationship (hadn't he done enough damage to it that she didn't even know about yet?), but he certainly didn't wish to say "yes"! He settled for grabbing his apron and starting to work.
"Severus?"
"Do what you wish," he said coldly, after a long stretch of silence.
~*~
It was a month after he'd begrudgingly allowed her to visit Lupin again. He'd been in the middle of yelling at her for improperly labeling a jar of beetle wings when she sank to the floor on her knees. His throat constricted as he imagined her crying. She even reached into her pocket as if for a handkerchief. He'd not made her cry more than once or twice since they'd moved in together.
After an awkward moment in which he frantically considered just apologizing right away, even if it normally went against his principles, she withdrew her hand from her pocket. In it was a small box.
She looked up at him through her hair. Her green eyes were completely tear-free.
"Severus, will you marry me?"
Stunned, he leant back against the counter and crossed his arms for a moment before uncrossing them and taking the ring she presented to him. He put it on, staring at it.
"No," he said, just to see the look on her face.
~*~
Lily came into his room later that week and woke him up. Severus rubbed at his eyes, staring at her. She was fully dressed, and in a beautiful dress at that. The reason for it eluded him.
"Let's elope," she said, eyes glowing brightly with excitement.
His eyes narrowed. He'd always imagined Lily would get married properly with everything she desired, from the perfect cake to the right colors to a gorgeous gown. And him, of course, he'd hoped, but he was not nearly perfect.
"Remus and Sirius are coming."
"Oh, joy. Was that incentive for me to get up?"
"I think I'm enough incentive, don't you?" She cocked an eyebrow.
He couldn't help but smile. "Alright." He got up and began putting on his dress robes.
"Do you want anyone else to be there, Severus?"
"No. And -- just humor me on this. You can invite Black. We need a witness, after all. But I don't want to see Lupin. I'm not joking about that."
She frowned. Remus hadn't really wanted to come either; thought he was intruding. She did Severus's cufflinks with a spell, then grabbed his boots and handed them to him. "Alright," she said after a moment. "I'll send him an owl."
~*~
"I'm sorry that you couldn't come," Lily said to Remus the next morning.
"It's alright. I understand."
"Well, you understand him more than I do, then. Did you know Sirius's girlfriend is pregnant?"
"Yeah." He grinned, but then his face fell a little. "Lily... look. Sometimes spies have to do terrible things. He still hasn't forgiven me for something I did. It was rather out of my control, but they gave me something to make me enjoy it." He hung his head a little bit.
"I'm sure he'll forgive you in time."
"I'm sure he won't," said Remus.
~*~
Severus had gone to his own bed the night of the wedding. Lily had sensed that he wasn't ready to sleep with her just yet. Then again, it was early in the morning by the time they returned home, wasn't it? Perhaps he was just exhausted.
She had given him a couple of days' "holiday". Now would be the time, she thought.
He didn't come to her room, so she went to his.
They kissed for a bit after she woke him. It grew more and more heated. The slow slide of their tongues against each other's was bliss. They hadn't done even this much in a good while.
His hand slid beneath her blouse, caressing her chest. He licked and sucked at her throat. She reached for his shirt, but he flinched and backed away from her touch.
"Don't," he snapped.
She frowned. Not knowing what else to attribute this outburst to, she decided it must be shyness and removed her own blouse. She grasped his hands and, sitting up slightly, guided them to the clasp of her bra. He undid it after a bit of fumbling. The material was silky beneath his hands, the color a soft pink that should have clashed with her hair, but didn't.
He slowly peeled the bra from her body, exposing her chest to his eyes, and drew in a slow breath through his nose at the sight.
She raised a hand up to stroke at his chest a bit, through his shirt. He knew he was a bit thin and had little muscle, but there was a gentle reverence in her touch that made him feel quite handsome. Regardless, he still didn't want anyone to see him naked, especially not her. Hadn't she soiled herself enough with him?
She could see his hardness through his trousers and smiled softly. The look made him shiver. He leaned in and began to kiss and nibble at her breasts. They were the perfect size, perfect handfuls with suckable nipples.
They'd done a bit of groping before, but she apparently hadn't realized just how sensitive she was. Those movements had her arching and moaning. He was throbbing slightly by the time he travelled on to her stomach, and so was she.
He lifted up her hips so he could tug off her skirt and pull her floral knickers down. Attuned as he was to subtle scents, he could now smell her just a bit. He lowered his head and took in a deep whiff. She groaned and parted her legs just a bit more. He glanced up at her and she broke eye-contact to throw her head back. "Severus," she coaxed softly.
He nuzzled at her right thigh a bit, then reached her core, where he licked in one long stripe across her beautiful, leaking, lightly-furred, red-in-more-ways-than-one pussy. He groaned at the taste. She sighed.
He pushed his tongue into her, causing her to shudder pleasurably. He lapped at her and raised a hand to her clit to rub gentle circles along the length of it through the hood.
Judging by her reactions, she was completely enjoying it. He was completely enjoying it as well, but it was making him that much more uncomfortably hard, which he was not willing to do anything to alleviate with Lily around.
He pulled back, slipping a finger into her instead of his tongue, and started to lick and suck at her clit.
"Oh God!" she moaned. "Ngn, Sev...!"
He glanced up at her again. There was a wicked, sexual gleam in his eyes as he pressed a second finger in.
"Fuck, I think I'm about to -- uh!" She closed her eyes again. "God, you must be so hard."
He sucked a bit more, running just the tip of his tongue against the tip of her tiny length, and she came with a scream, burying her hand in his hair.
"Oh God. Oh God. Oh," she murmured, body still shaking, pussy still contracting in cute little spasms.
She'd wet the sheets; he smirked at the sight of the dampness. But she was right: God, he was hard. It almost hurt.
He hurriedly left the room, locking himself in the bathroom.
Dazed, Lily heard the shower running.
~*~
"Remus, what exactly happened?" she asked him at work. "Severus flinches if I so much as try to touch him. Don't bullshit me. Please."
After having someone take over for him, Remus motioned for her to step outside. "Don't hex me, alright?"
"I promise," she said after a moment of staring at him with narrowed eyes.
"Voldemort gave us each a 'lesson'. Mine was to have to either turn or kill him. His was... much worse."
Putting this together with the hints Remus had given her earlier, Lily now thought she knew what had happened. "So... they gave you a lust potion?" she asked slowly.
"Yes." He hung his head a bit. "Yes, they did. It's no wonder he hates me now, see? Well, I suppose he's always hated me, but we were getting on well for a bit."
She wanted details, but Remus looked to be in no state to give them to her. Knowing most lust potions, he probably didn't remember much of the details anyway. "Well, I'm not going to hex you," she said. "Go on back to work."
~*~
"I know what happened," she said.
He felt his pulse quicken. "What do you mean, 'what happened'?" he said mildly.
"With Remus. They gave him a lust potion, you know. He didn't want to do it."
"I suppose that makes it all fine, then?" he hissed.
"Well, no. I mean, you're still suffering from the effects of what happened -- "
"Are you saying I don't recover as fast as I should?" he asked lowly, dangerously.
"No! That's not what I'm saying! I just want you to be safe and happy. I love you."
"Fantastic way of showing it, really," he snarled. "How do you know for certain they gave him something?"
"Come on, Severus. Even as schoolboy rivals, you had to notice how gentle he is."
"Gentle like Fenrir Greyback?"
"You're not being fair."
"Was Lupin--" he spat the name contemptuously -- "being fair when he..."
"When he what? When he did what Voldemort told him he had to do?"
"Stop blaming me for it!" he said loudly, practically yelling.
She looked stricken. "Who would blame you? I'm not blaming anyone but Voldemort."
"And Greyback," said Severus lowly, icily.
"Greyback was there?"
"Oh, yes," he said. "Greyback was there." He took up the mortar and pestle and found something to crush.
"How about this: just put the memory in the Pensieve. We'll both go in. You can see if they gave Remus something, and then you can leave and I'll watch the rest."
"Not if I pull you back out with me."
"That's fair," she said with a nod. "If you want me to leave, I'll leave."
They both went in. There were goosebumps along his body. He watched himself strip, but soon looked away from the sight, pointedly ignoring his vulnerability both in nakedness and in position. He kept his eyes on Lupin.
Voldemort took a potion from one of the Death Eaters. He handed it to Lupin with a high-pitched laugh. Lupin drank it down, looking as if he were beginning to sweat in nervousness. Then the potion took its effect and all he presented was an eerie calm with an undertone of wicked lust.
Lupin stripped out of his own clothes. Severus's eyes widened when he heard "He won't need much lubrication, Remus," as Voldemort gave the drugged man a pat on the cheek.
Severus pulled out of the memory without even thinking about Lily, then realized he'd left her in it. Then, he just didn't care. He went to his room to rethink his idea of Lupin. Perhaps Lupin really was that old pushover.
~*~
"Get your money's worth?" he asked as Lily came into the room the next afternoon holding a bottle with silver wisps of memory in it.
She handed him the bottle, and bit her lip as he drew the strand from it with his wand and moved it up toward his temple.
"Don't!" she cried out. "Don't. Can't we just keep it locked up in this bottle?"
"Forever?" he raised an eyebrow.
"Yes! You'll be much happier that way."
"Like I've ever been happy!" he snorted.
"Look, we'll leave it here on the night table."
~*~
He never touched the bottle. It was tempting to regain his memory, that small part of himself, but he loved displaying his own restraint to himself.
It was one night as Severus lay on the bed, staring at the bottle, that Lily stepped in wearing only her bra and knickers.
"Severus?" she said while approaching him. He didn't express any protest when she laid herself down and then motioned for him to remove his pants and, finally, straddle her. He was glad he hadn't when she tentatively took his shaft in her hand and began stroking it to hardness. There was a little twist at the end of each stroke that made him want to moan. He wondered how she'd practiced.
He pressed into the touch, nuzzling at her cheek and then claiming her lips. They kept kissing while she gently brought him to full hardness, Severus rocking his hips into the motion. She could feel a gentle throbbing beneath her fingertips by the time she released him.
Pushing himself up to sit up on his knees, he knelt between her legs and slid a finger into her. She was rather wet, and it soon became two fingers, which he gently stroked in and out of her, reaching up with his other hand to gently touch her clit. He added a third finger and she groaned and arched up toward him even more than she already had been, which was quite a bit.
"You're so beautiful, Lily," he muttered. There was a soft, pleasured look on her face that he could definitely find himself getting used to. He pulled his fingers out and moved forward, holding his cock near her wet, inviting entrance. "Alright?"
She nodded, bracing herself. He slowly slid in, and she gasped. It was like her fingers, only better! Well -- his fingers had been like her fingers, only better, and this was... well...
She gasped and curled her hands in the sheets. He groaned, glad she didn't seem to be in pain on top of the wonderful sensation. From what he'd heard, he'd feared she might be. She gazed up at him as if challenging him to movement.
He pulled out a bit and then pushed in again. "Mm, Lily," he groaned. God, she was so slick.
"Sev," she sighed. She reached up and grasped his shoulders.
She really made a beautiful sight, naked and flushed with messy red hair and shining green eyes. He picked up a nice rhythm. She felt amazing around him, tight and wet and so warm. He couldn't help but let small groans escape him.
She wrapped her legs around him and he moaned as he was pulled closer. Oddly enough, he felt more a part of Lily's life than ever, just from sharing their first time together -- together as husband and wife.
He began thrusting with a gentle fervor, reveling in her moans, just as she seemed to revel in the sounds he made.
He cupped her soft face in his hand, stroking her cheek. She turned her head to catch his index finger in her mouth and suck at it until he groaned.
His hips gave an involuntary buck, mucking up his rhythm, but she just smirked at him around the finger and nipped at it.
She released the finger. "Fuck me, Severus," she said huskily, and, shit, if he hadn't been close before....
His thrusts became erratic and shallow. She sucked at the tip of her own index finger before lowering it to rub at her clit. He came just a moment before she did, thrusting until he went soft inside of her, making her insides even wetter.
The gush of his fluid inside of her was almost unreal, and she rubbed at herself in just the perfect way until she gasped and clenched around his softening shaft. With her other arm, she held him close, not letting him pull out yet.
"Oh, fuck," she groaned.
When she finally released him, he pulled out and sprawled out beside her again. There was a dumb smile on his face that he certainly hadn't authorized.
~*~
A few weeks later they found out Lily was pregnant with a little girl, and she began coming up with various flower names for her.
"It's a tradition in my family," she had said.
"Oh, really?" he had replied dryly. "I hadn't noticed."
Severus shook his head at all of them, though. Azalea? Orchid? Zinnia? All ghastly!
Luckily, they both dealt with potions and knew many, many names of flowers. They were sure to find something they agreed upon before running out of flower names.
As he gazed out at the garden, fingers curled into the fabric of a lacy curtain, he realized something. She was right about one thing: he did seem happier. Living on in blissful ignorance would suit him more than he would have liked to admit.
In fact, he was fairly certain that child-proofing a house would mean he couldn't leave that particular memory lying about just anywhere. He placed it on the mantel, out of reach of even himself, in a way.
It sat up there amongst a few knick-knacks, a grim reminder of a past night he could not really remember. It was merely a swirling silver strand of nonsense, something that must have happened to someone else.