FIC for venturous1: "Sweet Halcyon Haze" pt 2
Title: Sweet Halcyon Haze
Author: odogoddess
Recipient: venturous1
Rating: NC-17
Words: ~12,000
Warnings: highlight between brackets if you prefer story warnings: [character death, innocent exploration of sex between two kids, angst, masturbation, first time]
Summary: Severus knew Lily first... and Lily knew Severus last.
Author's Notes: With thanks to my betas and Brit-picker. They know who they are and how grateful I am for their help. I hope this suits, venturous1.
Sweet Halcyon Haze, pt. 1
~~~~~
Despite his clean bill of health and the gates of the school as well as the office of the Headmaster itself acknowledging his right to his position by allowing him unimpeded entrance, Severus found himself fretting that night instead of reading as he'd intended.
What would the parents think? The Daily Prophet had spent almost an entire week painting him to be a murdering traitor, then after the Dark Lord's persistent use of Malfoy family money and influence, spent the next week decrying a seemingly deranged and grief-stricken Potter. Madam Rosmerta had been interviewed so many times she had finally bespelled the Three Broomsticks to expel any journalists from the premises, permanently.
Her account of a wild-eyed, anxious Harry Potter and a clearly badly injured Albus Dumbledore continued to be double-checked and triple-checked by the Aurors. It cast more than enough doubt on Potter and his culpability in the events of that night.
The other witnesses, Death Eaters all, were discounted, of course. Snape had been tight-lipped and solemn, speaking only to the Aurors and providing his version of events. It had not, he declared, been a Killing Curse, but a simple hurling hex he had intended to use against the Death Eaters, but Albus Dumbledore had gotten in the way and been hurled from the tower. Potter, he insisted, had hated him from the beginning since he was strict and the boy had been negligent in his studies and homework.
The Aurors and the Healers who had examined Dumbledore found it was more than possible he had died from the fall, not from any curse or spell. His wand was checked, and to the still skeptical staffs' chagrin, proved not to have been used to cast a Killing Curse. He did not bother to explain to educated wizards and witches, who should be well aware of the fact that, just because a wizard said the words, did not mean there was intent behind them. He might have said Avada Kedavra, to fool the other Death Eaters, but had actually cast a silent hurling hex. That was what his wand reflected. The charges were dropped and life, as it were, went on.
Still, not everyone believed him. Some parents had already sent letters indicating they were withdrawing their children from Hogwarts. The admission rate at Beauxbatons was said to be astronomical this year.
He sighed and set his book down now, taking a few moments to close his eyes and clear his mind. It was the best way to avoid nightmares and troubled sleep.
Clarity evaded him, however, and he groaned as his eyes snapped open in the dark of his room. Tension pervaded him, the memory of the invasive exam left him feeling edgy, and he did not think he could sleep.
The fact he was being watched by the other members of the staff left him unwilling to roam the corridors as once he might.
Recalling Pomfrey's admonitions to him, he found himself turning onto his back and lifting his nightshirt to take himself in hand. It was neither dignified nor truly desired, but it would help him sleep.
With a deep sigh, Snape closed his eyes and allowed his thoughts to wander where they willed as he methodically milked himself.
~~~~~
The next day after their experiment, Lily had not shown up as expected and Severus worried. Had she told her parents? Would they tell his?
He hid in their glade and caught crickets, studying them and wondering if their antennae were useful in potions, and found a dead frog that he poked at until he decided to give it a burial. He stayed in the cool glade until dinner time and then anxiously trudged home, half-afraid Lily's parents would be there, telling his parents what they had done and getting him in horrible trouble.
However, nothing was amiss at his home, and dinner was normal, beans on toast and his mother gave him weak tea and told his father they needed more milk and eggs and did he have enough left over from the dole?
Severus ate rapidly in case a yelling match started and headed up to his room with a book to read. There was enough light still for him to read until bed time so he read until his mother stuck her head in his room and smiled to find him squinting over Beedle the Bard.
"Bed time, Severus. Go on then."
He stopped with reluctance and closed the book, carefully placing a leaf in the page he had left off at. He stuck it under his pillow and took off his clothes, before getting into the bed and under the thin sheet he used in summer.
He wondered what Lily was doing. This led him to remembering her lying naked in front of him, her odd girl bits before his fascinated eyes. He remembered what she said and found himself shoving the bed sheet aside to look at his penis in the moonlight through his rather grimy bedroom window. It looked the same as always -- a pale bit of wrinkled flesh.
He remembered her fascination with the skin and the avidity in her expression when he had pulled it back to reveal what his father called the bell end. He wondered again what his father had meant about peeing out the muck. He decided to ask him when he had a chance, sometime when his father was in a good mood.
~~~~~
Gasping through the last of the shudders that wracked him, Severus shifted his sheets back and took his wand in hand, swiftly waving away the streaks of pearly fluid.
With a sigh, he realised that he had to urinate, so he got up and trudged to the rather lavish washroom attached to the Headmaster's quarters.
Taking himself in hand he aimed for the urinal and sighed again as he felt the hot piss ballooning up the foreskin, cleaning out the 'muck' his father had once informed him about. A crude, but simple word for a crude, but simple man. Still, he had not been wrong.
Bathing was all well and good, Severus knew, but too many people assumed everyone could bathe whenever they liked. To a Muggle or Wizard without access to clean water and the ability to bathe but once a week, the simple expedient of letting their own urine do the job could mean the difference between good hygiene and ill health.
Snape finished up and headed back to his bed, slipping between the sheets and closing his eyes. He drifted off to sleep thinking of the exam, and how he could have told Pomfrey that he had never been in ill health in his entire life, one of the few graces he had received from his otherwise unremarkable body.
~~~~~
The next day Lily was at the glade as usual; her lap full of flowers, and Severus found himself grinning as he approached.
"Where were you?"
Lily smiled back at him.
"Tuney's best friend Daphne had a party and they said I could go. I couldn't tell you, I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he sighed, sitting by her. "I just was worried you had got in trouble."
"For what?" She seemed honestly puzzled.
His voice dropped to a whisper. "What we did at... you know."
She frowned, baffled. "What? No, of course not. How would they know? I didn't say anything. Did you?"
"No." He shrugged. "I just couldn't figure out why you weren't here."
She considered him, and then smiled, taking a flower from her lap and beginning to twine the stems of it to another.
"Daphne's mum threw these flowers away! Can you believe it?"
"She did?"
Lily nodded. "When they cleared the table after the cake, they took all the flowers and ribbons and binned them!" She fell quiet, then added, "Daphne's family is very rich, Petunia says. She says Daphne gets three new pairs of shoes every year for school, and doesn't eat the crusts on her bread."
Severus scoffed. "That's a lie. No one gets three new pairs a year. Why would they need so many?"
"Tuney doesn't lie," Lily said with a grim expression and he hung his head, aware he had gone too far. "She does make things seem like they're better than they really are. It's like she tells people we have a silver tea set. We do, but it's in the attic and all broken. It used to belong to our great Aunt. But she doesn't ever tell people we use it or serve tea with it."
"Well, why would someone get three pairs of shoes?"
"To show off they have money?"
Severus considered this and sighed. Lily always seemed to look beyond the things he thought. He wondered if he could learn how to do this himself.
"I asked if I could take the flowers, then, if they were just going to throw them away, but Tuney got so mad," Lily continued softly, still threading flower stems. "She twisted my arm really hard and told Daphne's mum I was just kidding. Then she walked me home and said how stupid I was the whole way."
Severus grew hot with anger at this, but said nothing. He had already put his foot in it about Petunia once already.
"She didn't believe me this morning, when I told her I didn't know how the flowers all got on our nightstand. They were there when I woke up."
To his chagrin, Lily began to quietly cry and he knelt by her, hesitating before gently touching her hair.
"I'm sorry, Lil."
She sniffed and nodded and kept making a crown of flowers.
"She doesn't understand it's not bad or evil like she thinks. It just is. I can't help it, it just happens."
He nodded. "It's too bad you don't have magic parents. Then your sister would be nothing but a Squib."
Lily looked up at this. "What's a Squib?"
"It's when a magic family has a baby that has no magic. They're called Squibs."
"Like I'm a Muggleborn?"
"Right. It's the opposite."
"It sounds just as horrible. Imagine being the only one who couldn't do anything magical in your family."
Severus nodded, but secretly wished Lily did have magical parents and that Petunia Evans was nothing but a Squib, too ashamed to show her face, or to make fun of her only sister and look down her nose at her friends.
~~~~~
"It was as you foresaw, Severus."
Snape bowed to Voldemort, saying nothing. This was a trick most of the others could not seem to master. Most would have been kowtowing, thanking him for complimenting them, pleased with obtaining his favour. The more Severus kept himself deferential but distant, the closer Voldemort seemed to want to get.
"Still, the death of that crippled Auror was a boon."
"Indeed, my Lord."
"Is he not the one who interrogated you so cruelly?"
"Yes, my Lord." Snape gritted his teeth, not having to fake his resentment.
"Then I count it a success, even if the boy escaped. He lost his owl, I heard. That leaves him with less means of communicating. And now he knows that every move he makes will be watched."
"Very true, my Lord." Snape cleared his throat, and then pitched his voice lower. "Since he has not yet proven himself worthy of being marked, perhaps young Mr. Malfoy can still be useful in other ways."
"Go on."
"With your permission, I should like to assign Draco to monitor the purchase of owls in Diagon since he knows who Potter's companions are. Unlikely, perhaps, but it's possible we might discover the boy through his cohorts."
Voldemort studied him. "An excellent plan, Severus. And, perhaps, a more appropriate use of the boy, since he has proven himself unworthy of more distinguished service."
"We cannot all aspire to greatness, but can still serve in small ways," Snape noted.
Voldemort smiled then. "Wise, and it pleases me to humble his insufferable fool of a father."
He did not mention Lucius Malfoy's current position of disfavour in his ranks, but then he did not have to.
"Malfoy Manor is to remain our central location, then, my Lord? I only ask," he hastened to add, "in case I require sending word or making enquiries."
"I am not to be disturbed for anything less than the boy's capture. All else will be seen to by you or Bellatrix."
"Very good, my Lord." Snape bowed.
"The boy will come to me eventually," Voldemort stated, then looked at the wand he carried. "For now, I have other business to tend to. I leave you in charge at the school. You will also assist Bella, if she requires it, among my followers."
"Very well, my Lord," Snape replied, as Voldemort turned to exit the room. It was unlikely in the extreme that Bella would want Severus to help her with anything, and they both were aware of this. It merely cemented his ties to the school, ensuring he would not leave Hogwarts, which is where the Dark Lord wanted him to be.
He nearly took a misstep as Voldemort suddenly swung back to face him.
"It is, of course, your own decision, Severus, but I thought you might be interested to know that Alecto has petitioned me for your favours."
Snape stilled. He arched a brow. "Indeed?"
"Yes. She and her brother are from a good Pureblood family. The match would please me, if it should be your choice, of course."
"I am honoured. I shall consider it."
"Do."
Voldemort left... and Severus swore.
~~~~~
"What?"
"I heard them," Lily insisted and Severus swallowed, aghast.
They sat, bare atop their clothes in the unloading area, having decided it was silly to keep anything on in the heat when they had already seen each other naked.
"Daphne said it was when a boy stuck his willie in a girl's tummy button. That's how babies are made."
Severus made a face of distaste. "They do?"
Lily nodded. "The other girl, Cynthia, she said a boy's willie gets hard and stiff and he pushes it in there. Then his face goes all funny and his seed comes out of his willie and into the girl's tummy button and makes a baby."
Severus was dubious. "That sounds like she made it up."
"Why would she? They didn't know I could hear them. I was in the linen closet."
"Why were you in there?"
"I was looking for the loo," Lily admitted. "Then I heard voices and I didn't want anyone to ask why I was in there by myself so I waited until they went by to go into Daphne's room. That's how I heard them."
He said nothing to this. There was no one he could ask about such things, especially not his parents. What if what Lily had heard was right?
"I don't know," he finally said carefully. "It sounds... wrong."
"But you don't know for sure."
He thought about it, and then pointed out, "I've never had seeds come out of my willie. Just pee."
"Well, Cynthia said seed, not seeds. So it sounds like just one. Maybe it's a really small seed like on a raspberry?"
It was possible, he supposed.
"Does your willie ever get hard and stiff?"
He felt himself flush and his penis crawled up again in that odd way it did when he felt embarrassed.
"Well, when I wake up sometimes it's like that. My father said it happens when a man has to pee."
"Does it happen any other time?"
He swallowed, feeling his penis practically disappearing now. Finally, he nodded.
"It just happens. I don't know why," he admitted in a small voice.
"Maybe your seed is trying to come out then," Lily suggested.
"I've never felt anything come out but pee," he insisted.
She studied him, and then looked at his penis, which was practically inside him now, nothing but the foreskin drooping down over his bollocks.
"The next time it goes all hard, look under the skin," she suggested. "Maybe you'll find a seed."
He nodded, and did as she suggested for the rest of the summer, but he never did find anything but skin.
~~~~~
"You slovenly ham-fisted hag!"
He did not have to fake the outrage and disgust in his voice as he covered his crotch with a fold of his robe, and Alecto Carrow cringed, making him angrier, despite the fact it was his own potion that had caused her actions. She stared at him fearfully now, glancing at her hands from time to time as if shocked by what she had done.
He had made sure she sat by him at dinner, then discreetly doctored her wine with an undetectable and highly illegal potion. It had escalated her already present interest in him, and caused her to frantically try to appease what she saw as his need. He had needed to smile through dinner and pretend her fawning gestures and surreptitious touches to his thigh were of interest, then asked her to his quarters for an after-dinner drink.
The potion was highly selective. It did not shut down a woman's sense of self-preservation or natural decorum... unless she was alone and in close proximity to a man she was interested in. It was slow to build, but also wore off very quickly, so as soon as dinner was finished, he had hurried her to his rooms, hoping he would not have to give her more.
Fortunately, and much as he expected, as soon as they were alone she had pounced, unbuttoning his robes and pulling him from his trousers, frantic in her haste and none too careful about her fingernails.
He winced a little now at the stinging pain and then scowled at her. "Get out! I want nothing more to do with you!"
"But..."
"Get out whilst you still have your job," he said firmly, black eyes glaring.
She hurried tearfully out of his quarters and he heaved a sigh of intense relief and warded the doors.
Looking down, he checked himself, relieved that she had not broken any skin, merely having pinched it a bit, then cautiously tucked himself back into his trousers, feeling soiled beyond belief.
It had been necessary, in order to truthfully inform the Dark Lord the attempted union had not been successful, but he despised having had to allow the woman to touch him.
He hurried to his bathroom and ran a tub. He felt the need to bathe, to wash the unwanted and unasked for touch away.
Aside from Poppy, in her capacity as the school's mediwitch, and the horrid woman who had just left him, the only person to ever touch him so personally had been Lily.
Snape groaned at the bittersweet pain this thought caused, eyes closing tightly as if to shut it away.
He stepped into the too-hot water, welcoming the cleansing pain, and proceeded to scrub himself nearly raw.
It might be pathetic, but his abstinence had been of his own choosing. If he could not have Her, then he would have no one. It was a simple equation.
After his bath, he toweled himself dry and studied his red-streaked skin in the mirror.
This could not go on. His personal torment needed to be set aside.
He had enough to worry over and watch for in this most horrible of years. Potter was out there, as was the Dark Lord. He was trapped between them like a fulcrum. He had his duties. He could not afford distraction. He would have to shut her from his thoughts, push her to the very back of his mind. The fact that everything he now did was for her, for all that remained of her -- for her son -- would have to console him. It would have to be enough.
"I'm sorry, Lil," he whispered now, as he hung his head, still damp hair sliding forward to drip on his cheeks.
The fact they had already been wet was between him and his mirror.
~~~~~
He leaned his head against her shoulder, fully at ease like he had never experienced before.
The river was normally filthy, but there had been a great deal of unanticipated rain for several days, days in which they had both been relegated to their own houses, unable to be together.
So they sat now in the rain-freshened air, side by side, watching the river flowing for a change, carrying away the waste and pong that normally characterised it.
It was a halcyon day. The sun was warm, but not overly so. There was no one but him and her.
Severus had been saddened to learn Lily would be going to a Muggle school in a few weeks whilst he would not.
She was surprised to learn that he did not go to Muggle school and that his mother schooled him. It had been a cause of contention between her and his father, although they needed no reason to fight, he glumly informed her.
His mother taught him reading, history, herbology, astronomy, what she called arithmancy, and showed him how to make some simple household potions. When his father was not around, she had also shown him some simple charms for which she let him use her own wand. He did not tell Lily she had also taught him some hexes to use in case bigger boys tried to beat him.
Severus did not want to tell Lily anything that might make her decide not to go to Hogwarts. So when he spoke, he did not tell her about the house rivalries, the Pureblood politics, or the class distinctions that his mother had instilled in him.
He spoke to Lily of Quidditch and Gobstones, of classes and riding a broom, of getting to go to Hogsmeade when they were old enough, and being able to taste their first butterbeer.
He spoke to make her want to go, to be with him. When they turned eleven, their letters would come, and they would be starting Hogwarts. He would be starting school with one friend already. Maybe he would make more, but if he did not, then at least he would have Lily.
"What are you thinking, Sev?"
He started from his reverie and thought of what to say or do. Suddenly he knew.
"You know the park?"
She nodded, sitting back to look at him, into his dark, eager eyes.
"If we go... could you... could you maybe show me how you fly?"
Lily relaxed, beaming. "Sure. I bet you could, too."
"Anyone can, with a broom," he pointed out.
Her face kind of fell at that, so he hurriedly added, "It'd be great if you could teach me, though. That way I could fly without a broom. They're kind of expensive, anyway."
"Sure, Sev." She took him by the hand, leading him out of the glade. "Let's see if you can fly."
~~~~~
"You have been a good and faithful servant, and I regret what must happen."
"My Lord--"
It was now, Snape knew it, and he knew he had to somehow get word to Potter, but there was no more time. His time was now up.
He did not hear what Voldemort was saying.
"My Lord," he repeated, hoping against hope that there would be some means of reprieve.
"...the wand and I master Potter at last."
What had he said? What did the wand have to do with him? Where was Potter? How could he get word--
The huge magical cage crackled as it slid toward him, Nagini uncoiling from within, readying to do her master's bidding. He said something in Parseltongue, and Severus found himself surrounded by serpentine coils. He saw fangs and could do nothing; Voldemort had immobilised him.
The pain was not as great as his terror at dying with his mission still unfulfilled -- he had to get word to Potter.
"I regret it," Voldemort told him as he walked away.
Severus struggled to keep his head, to try to think despite the shock he could feel turning his limbs to rubber and filling him with a chill fear. He was mortally wounded. What could he do?
He heard a slight noise and quailed at the thought Voldemort might return to finish him off, or worse, Nagini, to feed...
He trembled in fear and tried to stanch the flow of blood, trying to think. Potter, he had to get w-- yes!
Severus began to gather his energies. He would send his Patronus. It was the only way. He had seen how Harry followed the doe. He had an affinity for her, but then, why wouldn't he? It personified his mother, after all.
The memories were a mishmash as he gathered them, trying to put them in order, and he feared he might include too much, that the boy might not witness them all, but then suddenly, as if in a dream, those green eyes appeared before him.
The boy stood there -- Her boy -- all that was left of Lily Evans.
Snape knew what he had to do. He grasped at Harry with a strength borne of desperation.
"Take... it.... Take... it..."
It was his very essence, he knew, as the memories bled from him, but it was also Her. It was what Harry would need, to do what was required. It was Severus's final payment of the life debt.
I could never pay it in full, he suddenly realised. Albus knew it. Because I would have to send this boy to his death.
His hand slackened, loosened.
And he is all that is left of her. All that I have.
"Look... at... me..."
Harry's wide green eyes stared, but all Severus saw was summers past, and the crisp green promise of Spring, of rebirth, of renewal and restoration, as he drifted away.
~~~~~
"I did it! I can fly!"
Severus exulted as he swooped above the swings and smiled back at Lily.
She beamed back at him, waiting by the swing set, her red hair gleaming in the summer sun.
He did not wish to return to the ground, but he also knew they had to be careful of Muggles. He drifted down to her, and then paused as he regained his footing.
"Lily..."
She smiled at him, her old, sweet and gentle smile, but not on a little girl's face. It was the face he had last seen, last remembered.
He felt a chill as he abruptly recalled. "I..."
She put a hand to his arm. "It's okay, Severus. You're safe."
He swallowed, confused and alarmed. "Nagini--"
"That's over. Done with. You're safe now. You're free of that monster."
He blinked, staring at Lily, who looked as he remembered her at eighteen - the last time he had seen her.
Then he looked down. He was wearing his robes, free of blood now, crisp and clean.
He swiftly unbuttoned and rolled up his left sleeve. His arm was free of the Dark Mark.
"You're still the same." He looked over to her now as she gently stroked a hand along his cheek. "Still examining things from all angles, still wanting proof."
"Lil..."
"I've missed you, Sev." She stepped up and into his arms, and he held her tightly, recalling the feeling with every fibre of his being and how very much he had missed it. "It's been so long."
Abruptly, he felt himself tremble. A sob escaped him that he could not stop.
"I'm so sorry, Lily. But Harry..." He could not finish the sentence.
"He's safe, Sev. He's perfectly fine. Some day, I'm sure we'll see him again, but for now... let's go to the glade."
He pulled back to stare at her, stricken and uncertain. He knew only one thing; that he was dead.
This was untrue, he realised, as he took her proffered hand and headed out of the park. He knew one other thing; he would still follow Lily anywhere.
It might have been hours or days, but they sat in the glade side by side and watched the glints in the fast-flowing river as he told her of his life. He had many questions, but Lily could only answer a few as he continued his narrative, sometimes choking up with emotions he had not been freely able to display at the time they had been engendered.
Lily held his hand, sometimes held his head to her shoulder as he wept, and mostly just listened as her best friend confessed to her his very soul.
When he was done, they were lying back on the sweet summer grass and staring up at the hazy blue sky.
"D-do... do you forgive me, Lil?"
His voice was small, as small as a timid boy's, and she smiled, reaching a warm hand across the grass to stroke the dampness from his cheeks.
"I forgave you long ago, Sev. It's time you forgive yourself."
She went up on an elbow and leaned over him then, and her long red hair surrounded him as she sweetly, tenderly, kissed him.
He let her, began to kiss her back, then stopped, pulling back to gaze at her.
"Lil?"
She nodded.
"You... you're married. You were married. I..."
She shook her head and shushed him with a gentle finger to his lips.
"Severus. Our hearts can love more than one person, you know." She caressed his face once more. "I never stopped caring about you. I loved being your friend. I love you. I never forgot about you, and I wondered why my friend drifted from me."
He scarcely dared to move as she slid back over him again, framing his face with her hands. He shuttered his eyes at the sensation. She was so beautiful.
He opened his eyes again to see her smiling at him, above him, her sweet, beguiling smile that he remembered from their childhood. Her eyes, however, bore the knowledge of their adulthood.
They gleamed now, as she murmured, "This place is for you, Sev. It is where you felt safest and happiest. I was part of this place. I will always be here. This is your reward."
He blinked. Swallowed. "I scarcely deserve one."
"We all deserve forgiveness and love, Severus," she said in the tone that brooked no argument.
He nodded. She laid her head against his chest now and snuggled close.
It was how he fell asleep.
The tickling sensation against his face woke him, and he found Lily waving a stalk of grass over the tip of his nose.
"Lily."
"Hi, Sev." Her eyes bespoke mischief and all the things he remembered from childhood.
"Lil."
She leaned over to kiss him. "Yes?"
"Can we go to... our place?"
"Anywhere you want. Let's go."
She smiled and took his hand and he ran with her down the back streets of his home town.
"Remember how we thought babies might be made?"
Severus snorted, smiling, from where he leaned against the old crate in the unloading area of the mill, which was just as he remembered it. He had removed his robes and narrow boots, comfortable now in his shirtsleeves and trousers.
"I seem to recall a disastrous experiment after our second year," he rumbled with amused embarrassment.
Lily released peals of laughter and he issued a satisfied sigh.
"That is the sound I have missed for far too many years," he said quietly.
She turned to look at him, then her expression softened and she moved closer to hold him.
He allowed it. He had not been held or touched with such affection since... since those long gone summers.
"Sev?"
"Hm?"
"Care to try seeing how babies are made?"
He stared at her with an indrawn breath. She merely smiled her old, merry, slightly mischievous smile.
"I think I know a much better place to put your willie now."
"Lil..."
He had taken her to his house. Memories aside, he did not want to make love to Lily on the dirty floor of the old mill.
So he took her to his old room, which was just as he had left it, to the rather narrow bed, where he carefully undressed her even as she undressed him, amidst kisses and smiles and bashful chuckles and all the things he had been hoping to share with her one day and never had.
"Gods, Lil... you're beautiful."
She was. He still remembered her as a girl, thin arms and legs, a flat bare chest that did not display the promise that this one had fulfilled.
They had been naked together only once in their summer after second year, during the disastrous attempt that Severus had earlier recalled. He had begun growing, as well as growing hairs above his penis and on his bollocks and his voice was at turns squeaky and hoarse. He had been all arms and legs and skinny rib bones. She had only just begun budding breasts, and was equally gawky and gangly.
They had had no trouble getting his willie hard and stiff because it was like that most of the time back then. They still had no real idea where it went, but they had discovered that the bump Lily had at the top of her crotch was very, very sensitive, and that Severus's willie was not under his control, prone to spitting out milky fluid that left him gasping, and left Lily aghast as it went everywhere.
They never did find any seeds, but they had shared their first - and last - kiss, which ended their attempt and made it a secret and precious memory both would keep until they died.
He smiled now as she gazed at him. "Still think you might find any seeds?"
She giggled and gently stroked her hand along his belly and down over his erection, making him draw in an astonished breath.
"If I do, should I put them in my tummy button?"
He reached for her and she slid into his arms.
There had never been another. There was no one else he wanted to be with. It had only ever been her.
He was unaware he had been saying this, whispering it to her as he kissed and caressed her, until she responded.
"I wish you had found another, Sev. I wish you had been able to find someone so you wouldn't have been so lonely for so long."
He stared into those warm, green eyes and smiled. "You were always there, even when you weren't. I had my sweet doe."
She smiled back and he kissed her again, and this time no further words were said as he made his way down her body, worshipping her as he had so often longed to, loving her with all that he was now... and all that he ever would be.
~~~~~
"It's small, but adequate for a couple just beginning."
The young couple was not the typical couple, being two men, but that did not matter to the woman trying to sell the home. Their money spent just as well as anyone else's.
"Can we go upstairs?"
She hesitated only momentarily. "Of course. The stairs are actually hidden by this clever bookshelf," she pressed the lever that made it swing open and followed the young gay couple up.
They enthused briefly over the hidden staircase before beginning to comment on the narrowness of the stairs themselves. At the top of the stairs, they paused.
"What's wrong," she called down from below them.
"I... I thought I heard something," one young man admitted. The other nodded vigorously.
"Let's go back down," he said. "Maybe we should look at another house."
"But this one is going cheap," she insisted, moving aside for them and then following them as they hurried to the front door.
"That's okay. Cheap isn't everything."
"No. Let's look for someplace a bit more, uh, relaxing."
She sighed. "Very well. I have a small cottage near Keighley."
"Let's go look at it."
She led them out and closed and locked the door behind her.
The old two up, two down on Spinner's End was her longest held property; she had been trying to sell it for fifteen years. The agent before her had also been trying for several years before he offloaded it on her.
There were all sorts of stories -- that a murder had occurred, that a cuckolded husband had slain his adulterous wife and her lover, that a woman had gone mad from the loss of her child and killed her husband and herself.
She had no idea if any of them were true, but she doubted it.
The odd sounds around the home were not mournful or angry ones, far from it. She had sat in the living room of the place one entire afternoon, working on some documents, and listened.
If anything, the sounds around the home were rather more like young and frolicsome spirits... young and frolicsome spirits making love.
Based on her one afternoon there, the spectral couple liked to make love a lot... and all over the house.
Per at least one account, other people in the neighbourhood said the spirits seemed to enjoy vigorous relations all around the area, including the park. No one had ever seen them, but sometimes one could feel their presence, akin to the sensation of having two young people rush past intent on their own exploits. Most people in the neighbourhood had heard them, laughing or making love; they were considered friendly spirits to the area.
She led the young gay couple to her car now and sighed as she started it. She knew what they had probably heard. The sound only came from the first floor of the old house, from the open and seemingly empty rooms.
They were the sound of squeaking bed springs, followed by joyous peals of laughter and cries of ecstasy. Sometimes, if one listened carefully, one could hear the voices distinctly. They always said the same thing.
The female voice moaned, "Sev!" or possibly Seth, since Sev didn't sound like a name to her.
The male voice always sounded well and fully spent. The word he uttered was a shudder of sound released in husky, velvet tones which were very clear indeed. It was said with love and reverence and wonder.
"Lily..."
~~~~~
FINITE
~~~~~
Author: odogoddess
Recipient: venturous1
Rating: NC-17
Words: ~12,000
Warnings: highlight between brackets if you prefer story warnings: [character death, innocent exploration of sex between two kids, angst, masturbation, first time]
Summary: Severus knew Lily first... and Lily knew Severus last.
Author's Notes: With thanks to my betas and Brit-picker. They know who they are and how grateful I am for their help. I hope this suits, venturous1.
Sweet Halcyon Haze, pt. 1
~~~~~
Despite his clean bill of health and the gates of the school as well as the office of the Headmaster itself acknowledging his right to his position by allowing him unimpeded entrance, Severus found himself fretting that night instead of reading as he'd intended.
What would the parents think? The Daily Prophet had spent almost an entire week painting him to be a murdering traitor, then after the Dark Lord's persistent use of Malfoy family money and influence, spent the next week decrying a seemingly deranged and grief-stricken Potter. Madam Rosmerta had been interviewed so many times she had finally bespelled the Three Broomsticks to expel any journalists from the premises, permanently.
Her account of a wild-eyed, anxious Harry Potter and a clearly badly injured Albus Dumbledore continued to be double-checked and triple-checked by the Aurors. It cast more than enough doubt on Potter and his culpability in the events of that night.
The other witnesses, Death Eaters all, were discounted, of course. Snape had been tight-lipped and solemn, speaking only to the Aurors and providing his version of events. It had not, he declared, been a Killing Curse, but a simple hurling hex he had intended to use against the Death Eaters, but Albus Dumbledore had gotten in the way and been hurled from the tower. Potter, he insisted, had hated him from the beginning since he was strict and the boy had been negligent in his studies and homework.
The Aurors and the Healers who had examined Dumbledore found it was more than possible he had died from the fall, not from any curse or spell. His wand was checked, and to the still skeptical staffs' chagrin, proved not to have been used to cast a Killing Curse. He did not bother to explain to educated wizards and witches, who should be well aware of the fact that, just because a wizard said the words, did not mean there was intent behind them. He might have said Avada Kedavra, to fool the other Death Eaters, but had actually cast a silent hurling hex. That was what his wand reflected. The charges were dropped and life, as it were, went on.
Still, not everyone believed him. Some parents had already sent letters indicating they were withdrawing their children from Hogwarts. The admission rate at Beauxbatons was said to be astronomical this year.
He sighed and set his book down now, taking a few moments to close his eyes and clear his mind. It was the best way to avoid nightmares and troubled sleep.
Clarity evaded him, however, and he groaned as his eyes snapped open in the dark of his room. Tension pervaded him, the memory of the invasive exam left him feeling edgy, and he did not think he could sleep.
The fact he was being watched by the other members of the staff left him unwilling to roam the corridors as once he might.
Recalling Pomfrey's admonitions to him, he found himself turning onto his back and lifting his nightshirt to take himself in hand. It was neither dignified nor truly desired, but it would help him sleep.
With a deep sigh, Snape closed his eyes and allowed his thoughts to wander where they willed as he methodically milked himself.
~~~~~
The next day after their experiment, Lily had not shown up as expected and Severus worried. Had she told her parents? Would they tell his?
He hid in their glade and caught crickets, studying them and wondering if their antennae were useful in potions, and found a dead frog that he poked at until he decided to give it a burial. He stayed in the cool glade until dinner time and then anxiously trudged home, half-afraid Lily's parents would be there, telling his parents what they had done and getting him in horrible trouble.
However, nothing was amiss at his home, and dinner was normal, beans on toast and his mother gave him weak tea and told his father they needed more milk and eggs and did he have enough left over from the dole?
Severus ate rapidly in case a yelling match started and headed up to his room with a book to read. There was enough light still for him to read until bed time so he read until his mother stuck her head in his room and smiled to find him squinting over Beedle the Bard.
"Bed time, Severus. Go on then."
He stopped with reluctance and closed the book, carefully placing a leaf in the page he had left off at. He stuck it under his pillow and took off his clothes, before getting into the bed and under the thin sheet he used in summer.
He wondered what Lily was doing. This led him to remembering her lying naked in front of him, her odd girl bits before his fascinated eyes. He remembered what she said and found himself shoving the bed sheet aside to look at his penis in the moonlight through his rather grimy bedroom window. It looked the same as always -- a pale bit of wrinkled flesh.
He remembered her fascination with the skin and the avidity in her expression when he had pulled it back to reveal what his father called the bell end. He wondered again what his father had meant about peeing out the muck. He decided to ask him when he had a chance, sometime when his father was in a good mood.
~~~~~
Gasping through the last of the shudders that wracked him, Severus shifted his sheets back and took his wand in hand, swiftly waving away the streaks of pearly fluid.
With a sigh, he realised that he had to urinate, so he got up and trudged to the rather lavish washroom attached to the Headmaster's quarters.
Taking himself in hand he aimed for the urinal and sighed again as he felt the hot piss ballooning up the foreskin, cleaning out the 'muck' his father had once informed him about. A crude, but simple word for a crude, but simple man. Still, he had not been wrong.
Bathing was all well and good, Severus knew, but too many people assumed everyone could bathe whenever they liked. To a Muggle or Wizard without access to clean water and the ability to bathe but once a week, the simple expedient of letting their own urine do the job could mean the difference between good hygiene and ill health.
Snape finished up and headed back to his bed, slipping between the sheets and closing his eyes. He drifted off to sleep thinking of the exam, and how he could have told Pomfrey that he had never been in ill health in his entire life, one of the few graces he had received from his otherwise unremarkable body.
~~~~~
The next day Lily was at the glade as usual; her lap full of flowers, and Severus found himself grinning as he approached.
"Where were you?"
Lily smiled back at him.
"Tuney's best friend Daphne had a party and they said I could go. I couldn't tell you, I'm sorry."
"It's okay," he sighed, sitting by her. "I just was worried you had got in trouble."
"For what?" She seemed honestly puzzled.
His voice dropped to a whisper. "What we did at... you know."
She frowned, baffled. "What? No, of course not. How would they know? I didn't say anything. Did you?"
"No." He shrugged. "I just couldn't figure out why you weren't here."
She considered him, and then smiled, taking a flower from her lap and beginning to twine the stems of it to another.
"Daphne's mum threw these flowers away! Can you believe it?"
"She did?"
Lily nodded. "When they cleared the table after the cake, they took all the flowers and ribbons and binned them!" She fell quiet, then added, "Daphne's family is very rich, Petunia says. She says Daphne gets three new pairs of shoes every year for school, and doesn't eat the crusts on her bread."
Severus scoffed. "That's a lie. No one gets three new pairs a year. Why would they need so many?"
"Tuney doesn't lie," Lily said with a grim expression and he hung his head, aware he had gone too far. "She does make things seem like they're better than they really are. It's like she tells people we have a silver tea set. We do, but it's in the attic and all broken. It used to belong to our great Aunt. But she doesn't ever tell people we use it or serve tea with it."
"Well, why would someone get three pairs of shoes?"
"To show off they have money?"
Severus considered this and sighed. Lily always seemed to look beyond the things he thought. He wondered if he could learn how to do this himself.
"I asked if I could take the flowers, then, if they were just going to throw them away, but Tuney got so mad," Lily continued softly, still threading flower stems. "She twisted my arm really hard and told Daphne's mum I was just kidding. Then she walked me home and said how stupid I was the whole way."
Severus grew hot with anger at this, but said nothing. He had already put his foot in it about Petunia once already.
"She didn't believe me this morning, when I told her I didn't know how the flowers all got on our nightstand. They were there when I woke up."
To his chagrin, Lily began to quietly cry and he knelt by her, hesitating before gently touching her hair.
"I'm sorry, Lil."
She sniffed and nodded and kept making a crown of flowers.
"She doesn't understand it's not bad or evil like she thinks. It just is. I can't help it, it just happens."
He nodded. "It's too bad you don't have magic parents. Then your sister would be nothing but a Squib."
Lily looked up at this. "What's a Squib?"
"It's when a magic family has a baby that has no magic. They're called Squibs."
"Like I'm a Muggleborn?"
"Right. It's the opposite."
"It sounds just as horrible. Imagine being the only one who couldn't do anything magical in your family."
Severus nodded, but secretly wished Lily did have magical parents and that Petunia Evans was nothing but a Squib, too ashamed to show her face, or to make fun of her only sister and look down her nose at her friends.
~~~~~
"It was as you foresaw, Severus."
Snape bowed to Voldemort, saying nothing. This was a trick most of the others could not seem to master. Most would have been kowtowing, thanking him for complimenting them, pleased with obtaining his favour. The more Severus kept himself deferential but distant, the closer Voldemort seemed to want to get.
"Still, the death of that crippled Auror was a boon."
"Indeed, my Lord."
"Is he not the one who interrogated you so cruelly?"
"Yes, my Lord." Snape gritted his teeth, not having to fake his resentment.
"Then I count it a success, even if the boy escaped. He lost his owl, I heard. That leaves him with less means of communicating. And now he knows that every move he makes will be watched."
"Very true, my Lord." Snape cleared his throat, and then pitched his voice lower. "Since he has not yet proven himself worthy of being marked, perhaps young Mr. Malfoy can still be useful in other ways."
"Go on."
"With your permission, I should like to assign Draco to monitor the purchase of owls in Diagon since he knows who Potter's companions are. Unlikely, perhaps, but it's possible we might discover the boy through his cohorts."
Voldemort studied him. "An excellent plan, Severus. And, perhaps, a more appropriate use of the boy, since he has proven himself unworthy of more distinguished service."
"We cannot all aspire to greatness, but can still serve in small ways," Snape noted.
Voldemort smiled then. "Wise, and it pleases me to humble his insufferable fool of a father."
He did not mention Lucius Malfoy's current position of disfavour in his ranks, but then he did not have to.
"Malfoy Manor is to remain our central location, then, my Lord? I only ask," he hastened to add, "in case I require sending word or making enquiries."
"I am not to be disturbed for anything less than the boy's capture. All else will be seen to by you or Bellatrix."
"Very good, my Lord." Snape bowed.
"The boy will come to me eventually," Voldemort stated, then looked at the wand he carried. "For now, I have other business to tend to. I leave you in charge at the school. You will also assist Bella, if she requires it, among my followers."
"Very well, my Lord," Snape replied, as Voldemort turned to exit the room. It was unlikely in the extreme that Bella would want Severus to help her with anything, and they both were aware of this. It merely cemented his ties to the school, ensuring he would not leave Hogwarts, which is where the Dark Lord wanted him to be.
He nearly took a misstep as Voldemort suddenly swung back to face him.
"It is, of course, your own decision, Severus, but I thought you might be interested to know that Alecto has petitioned me for your favours."
Snape stilled. He arched a brow. "Indeed?"
"Yes. She and her brother are from a good Pureblood family. The match would please me, if it should be your choice, of course."
"I am honoured. I shall consider it."
"Do."
Voldemort left... and Severus swore.
~~~~~
"What?"
"I heard them," Lily insisted and Severus swallowed, aghast.
They sat, bare atop their clothes in the unloading area, having decided it was silly to keep anything on in the heat when they had already seen each other naked.
"Daphne said it was when a boy stuck his willie in a girl's tummy button. That's how babies are made."
Severus made a face of distaste. "They do?"
Lily nodded. "The other girl, Cynthia, she said a boy's willie gets hard and stiff and he pushes it in there. Then his face goes all funny and his seed comes out of his willie and into the girl's tummy button and makes a baby."
Severus was dubious. "That sounds like she made it up."
"Why would she? They didn't know I could hear them. I was in the linen closet."
"Why were you in there?"
"I was looking for the loo," Lily admitted. "Then I heard voices and I didn't want anyone to ask why I was in there by myself so I waited until they went by to go into Daphne's room. That's how I heard them."
He said nothing to this. There was no one he could ask about such things, especially not his parents. What if what Lily had heard was right?
"I don't know," he finally said carefully. "It sounds... wrong."
"But you don't know for sure."
He thought about it, and then pointed out, "I've never had seeds come out of my willie. Just pee."
"Well, Cynthia said seed, not seeds. So it sounds like just one. Maybe it's a really small seed like on a raspberry?"
It was possible, he supposed.
"Does your willie ever get hard and stiff?"
He felt himself flush and his penis crawled up again in that odd way it did when he felt embarrassed.
"Well, when I wake up sometimes it's like that. My father said it happens when a man has to pee."
"Does it happen any other time?"
He swallowed, feeling his penis practically disappearing now. Finally, he nodded.
"It just happens. I don't know why," he admitted in a small voice.
"Maybe your seed is trying to come out then," Lily suggested.
"I've never felt anything come out but pee," he insisted.
She studied him, and then looked at his penis, which was practically inside him now, nothing but the foreskin drooping down over his bollocks.
"The next time it goes all hard, look under the skin," she suggested. "Maybe you'll find a seed."
He nodded, and did as she suggested for the rest of the summer, but he never did find anything but skin.
~~~~~
"You slovenly ham-fisted hag!"
He did not have to fake the outrage and disgust in his voice as he covered his crotch with a fold of his robe, and Alecto Carrow cringed, making him angrier, despite the fact it was his own potion that had caused her actions. She stared at him fearfully now, glancing at her hands from time to time as if shocked by what she had done.
He had made sure she sat by him at dinner, then discreetly doctored her wine with an undetectable and highly illegal potion. It had escalated her already present interest in him, and caused her to frantically try to appease what she saw as his need. He had needed to smile through dinner and pretend her fawning gestures and surreptitious touches to his thigh were of interest, then asked her to his quarters for an after-dinner drink.
The potion was highly selective. It did not shut down a woman's sense of self-preservation or natural decorum... unless she was alone and in close proximity to a man she was interested in. It was slow to build, but also wore off very quickly, so as soon as dinner was finished, he had hurried her to his rooms, hoping he would not have to give her more.
Fortunately, and much as he expected, as soon as they were alone she had pounced, unbuttoning his robes and pulling him from his trousers, frantic in her haste and none too careful about her fingernails.
He winced a little now at the stinging pain and then scowled at her. "Get out! I want nothing more to do with you!"
"But..."
"Get out whilst you still have your job," he said firmly, black eyes glaring.
She hurried tearfully out of his quarters and he heaved a sigh of intense relief and warded the doors.
Looking down, he checked himself, relieved that she had not broken any skin, merely having pinched it a bit, then cautiously tucked himself back into his trousers, feeling soiled beyond belief.
It had been necessary, in order to truthfully inform the Dark Lord the attempted union had not been successful, but he despised having had to allow the woman to touch him.
He hurried to his bathroom and ran a tub. He felt the need to bathe, to wash the unwanted and unasked for touch away.
Aside from Poppy, in her capacity as the school's mediwitch, and the horrid woman who had just left him, the only person to ever touch him so personally had been Lily.
Snape groaned at the bittersweet pain this thought caused, eyes closing tightly as if to shut it away.
He stepped into the too-hot water, welcoming the cleansing pain, and proceeded to scrub himself nearly raw.
It might be pathetic, but his abstinence had been of his own choosing. If he could not have Her, then he would have no one. It was a simple equation.
After his bath, he toweled himself dry and studied his red-streaked skin in the mirror.
This could not go on. His personal torment needed to be set aside.
He had enough to worry over and watch for in this most horrible of years. Potter was out there, as was the Dark Lord. He was trapped between them like a fulcrum. He had his duties. He could not afford distraction. He would have to shut her from his thoughts, push her to the very back of his mind. The fact that everything he now did was for her, for all that remained of her -- for her son -- would have to console him. It would have to be enough.
"I'm sorry, Lil," he whispered now, as he hung his head, still damp hair sliding forward to drip on his cheeks.
The fact they had already been wet was between him and his mirror.
~~~~~
He leaned his head against her shoulder, fully at ease like he had never experienced before.
The river was normally filthy, but there had been a great deal of unanticipated rain for several days, days in which they had both been relegated to their own houses, unable to be together.
So they sat now in the rain-freshened air, side by side, watching the river flowing for a change, carrying away the waste and pong that normally characterised it.
It was a halcyon day. The sun was warm, but not overly so. There was no one but him and her.
Severus had been saddened to learn Lily would be going to a Muggle school in a few weeks whilst he would not.
She was surprised to learn that he did not go to Muggle school and that his mother schooled him. It had been a cause of contention between her and his father, although they needed no reason to fight, he glumly informed her.
His mother taught him reading, history, herbology, astronomy, what she called arithmancy, and showed him how to make some simple household potions. When his father was not around, she had also shown him some simple charms for which she let him use her own wand. He did not tell Lily she had also taught him some hexes to use in case bigger boys tried to beat him.
Severus did not want to tell Lily anything that might make her decide not to go to Hogwarts. So when he spoke, he did not tell her about the house rivalries, the Pureblood politics, or the class distinctions that his mother had instilled in him.
He spoke to Lily of Quidditch and Gobstones, of classes and riding a broom, of getting to go to Hogsmeade when they were old enough, and being able to taste their first butterbeer.
He spoke to make her want to go, to be with him. When they turned eleven, their letters would come, and they would be starting Hogwarts. He would be starting school with one friend already. Maybe he would make more, but if he did not, then at least he would have Lily.
"What are you thinking, Sev?"
He started from his reverie and thought of what to say or do. Suddenly he knew.
"You know the park?"
She nodded, sitting back to look at him, into his dark, eager eyes.
"If we go... could you... could you maybe show me how you fly?"
Lily relaxed, beaming. "Sure. I bet you could, too."
"Anyone can, with a broom," he pointed out.
Her face kind of fell at that, so he hurriedly added, "It'd be great if you could teach me, though. That way I could fly without a broom. They're kind of expensive, anyway."
"Sure, Sev." She took him by the hand, leading him out of the glade. "Let's see if you can fly."
~~~~~
"You have been a good and faithful servant, and I regret what must happen."
"My Lord--"
It was now, Snape knew it, and he knew he had to somehow get word to Potter, but there was no more time. His time was now up.
He did not hear what Voldemort was saying.
"My Lord," he repeated, hoping against hope that there would be some means of reprieve.
"...the wand and I master Potter at last."
What had he said? What did the wand have to do with him? Where was Potter? How could he get word--
The huge magical cage crackled as it slid toward him, Nagini uncoiling from within, readying to do her master's bidding. He said something in Parseltongue, and Severus found himself surrounded by serpentine coils. He saw fangs and could do nothing; Voldemort had immobilised him.
The pain was not as great as his terror at dying with his mission still unfulfilled -- he had to get word to Potter.
"I regret it," Voldemort told him as he walked away.
Severus struggled to keep his head, to try to think despite the shock he could feel turning his limbs to rubber and filling him with a chill fear. He was mortally wounded. What could he do?
He heard a slight noise and quailed at the thought Voldemort might return to finish him off, or worse, Nagini, to feed...
He trembled in fear and tried to stanch the flow of blood, trying to think. Potter, he had to get w-- yes!
Severus began to gather his energies. He would send his Patronus. It was the only way. He had seen how Harry followed the doe. He had an affinity for her, but then, why wouldn't he? It personified his mother, after all.
The memories were a mishmash as he gathered them, trying to put them in order, and he feared he might include too much, that the boy might not witness them all, but then suddenly, as if in a dream, those green eyes appeared before him.
The boy stood there -- Her boy -- all that was left of Lily Evans.
Snape knew what he had to do. He grasped at Harry with a strength borne of desperation.
"Take... it.... Take... it..."
It was his very essence, he knew, as the memories bled from him, but it was also Her. It was what Harry would need, to do what was required. It was Severus's final payment of the life debt.
I could never pay it in full, he suddenly realised. Albus knew it. Because I would have to send this boy to his death.
His hand slackened, loosened.
And he is all that is left of her. All that I have.
"Look... at... me..."
Harry's wide green eyes stared, but all Severus saw was summers past, and the crisp green promise of Spring, of rebirth, of renewal and restoration, as he drifted away.
~~~~~
"I did it! I can fly!"
Severus exulted as he swooped above the swings and smiled back at Lily.
She beamed back at him, waiting by the swing set, her red hair gleaming in the summer sun.
He did not wish to return to the ground, but he also knew they had to be careful of Muggles. He drifted down to her, and then paused as he regained his footing.
"Lily..."
She smiled at him, her old, sweet and gentle smile, but not on a little girl's face. It was the face he had last seen, last remembered.
He felt a chill as he abruptly recalled. "I..."
She put a hand to his arm. "It's okay, Severus. You're safe."
He swallowed, confused and alarmed. "Nagini--"
"That's over. Done with. You're safe now. You're free of that monster."
He blinked, staring at Lily, who looked as he remembered her at eighteen - the last time he had seen her.
Then he looked down. He was wearing his robes, free of blood now, crisp and clean.
He swiftly unbuttoned and rolled up his left sleeve. His arm was free of the Dark Mark.
"You're still the same." He looked over to her now as she gently stroked a hand along his cheek. "Still examining things from all angles, still wanting proof."
"Lil..."
"I've missed you, Sev." She stepped up and into his arms, and he held her tightly, recalling the feeling with every fibre of his being and how very much he had missed it. "It's been so long."
Abruptly, he felt himself tremble. A sob escaped him that he could not stop.
"I'm so sorry, Lily. But Harry..." He could not finish the sentence.
"He's safe, Sev. He's perfectly fine. Some day, I'm sure we'll see him again, but for now... let's go to the glade."
He pulled back to stare at her, stricken and uncertain. He knew only one thing; that he was dead.
This was untrue, he realised, as he took her proffered hand and headed out of the park. He knew one other thing; he would still follow Lily anywhere.
It might have been hours or days, but they sat in the glade side by side and watched the glints in the fast-flowing river as he told her of his life. He had many questions, but Lily could only answer a few as he continued his narrative, sometimes choking up with emotions he had not been freely able to display at the time they had been engendered.
Lily held his hand, sometimes held his head to her shoulder as he wept, and mostly just listened as her best friend confessed to her his very soul.
When he was done, they were lying back on the sweet summer grass and staring up at the hazy blue sky.
"D-do... do you forgive me, Lil?"
His voice was small, as small as a timid boy's, and she smiled, reaching a warm hand across the grass to stroke the dampness from his cheeks.
"I forgave you long ago, Sev. It's time you forgive yourself."
She went up on an elbow and leaned over him then, and her long red hair surrounded him as she sweetly, tenderly, kissed him.
He let her, began to kiss her back, then stopped, pulling back to gaze at her.
"Lil?"
She nodded.
"You... you're married. You were married. I..."
She shook her head and shushed him with a gentle finger to his lips.
"Severus. Our hearts can love more than one person, you know." She caressed his face once more. "I never stopped caring about you. I loved being your friend. I love you. I never forgot about you, and I wondered why my friend drifted from me."
He scarcely dared to move as she slid back over him again, framing his face with her hands. He shuttered his eyes at the sensation. She was so beautiful.
He opened his eyes again to see her smiling at him, above him, her sweet, beguiling smile that he remembered from their childhood. Her eyes, however, bore the knowledge of their adulthood.
They gleamed now, as she murmured, "This place is for you, Sev. It is where you felt safest and happiest. I was part of this place. I will always be here. This is your reward."
He blinked. Swallowed. "I scarcely deserve one."
"We all deserve forgiveness and love, Severus," she said in the tone that brooked no argument.
He nodded. She laid her head against his chest now and snuggled close.
It was how he fell asleep.
The tickling sensation against his face woke him, and he found Lily waving a stalk of grass over the tip of his nose.
"Lily."
"Hi, Sev." Her eyes bespoke mischief and all the things he remembered from childhood.
"Lil."
She leaned over to kiss him. "Yes?"
"Can we go to... our place?"
"Anywhere you want. Let's go."
She smiled and took his hand and he ran with her down the back streets of his home town.
"Remember how we thought babies might be made?"
Severus snorted, smiling, from where he leaned against the old crate in the unloading area of the mill, which was just as he remembered it. He had removed his robes and narrow boots, comfortable now in his shirtsleeves and trousers.
"I seem to recall a disastrous experiment after our second year," he rumbled with amused embarrassment.
Lily released peals of laughter and he issued a satisfied sigh.
"That is the sound I have missed for far too many years," he said quietly.
She turned to look at him, then her expression softened and she moved closer to hold him.
He allowed it. He had not been held or touched with such affection since... since those long gone summers.
"Sev?"
"Hm?"
"Care to try seeing how babies are made?"
He stared at her with an indrawn breath. She merely smiled her old, merry, slightly mischievous smile.
"I think I know a much better place to put your willie now."
"Lil..."
He had taken her to his house. Memories aside, he did not want to make love to Lily on the dirty floor of the old mill.
So he took her to his old room, which was just as he had left it, to the rather narrow bed, where he carefully undressed her even as she undressed him, amidst kisses and smiles and bashful chuckles and all the things he had been hoping to share with her one day and never had.
"Gods, Lil... you're beautiful."
She was. He still remembered her as a girl, thin arms and legs, a flat bare chest that did not display the promise that this one had fulfilled.
They had been naked together only once in their summer after second year, during the disastrous attempt that Severus had earlier recalled. He had begun growing, as well as growing hairs above his penis and on his bollocks and his voice was at turns squeaky and hoarse. He had been all arms and legs and skinny rib bones. She had only just begun budding breasts, and was equally gawky and gangly.
They had had no trouble getting his willie hard and stiff because it was like that most of the time back then. They still had no real idea where it went, but they had discovered that the bump Lily had at the top of her crotch was very, very sensitive, and that Severus's willie was not under his control, prone to spitting out milky fluid that left him gasping, and left Lily aghast as it went everywhere.
They never did find any seeds, but they had shared their first - and last - kiss, which ended their attempt and made it a secret and precious memory both would keep until they died.
He smiled now as she gazed at him. "Still think you might find any seeds?"
She giggled and gently stroked her hand along his belly and down over his erection, making him draw in an astonished breath.
"If I do, should I put them in my tummy button?"
He reached for her and she slid into his arms.
There had never been another. There was no one else he wanted to be with. It had only ever been her.
He was unaware he had been saying this, whispering it to her as he kissed and caressed her, until she responded.
"I wish you had found another, Sev. I wish you had been able to find someone so you wouldn't have been so lonely for so long."
He stared into those warm, green eyes and smiled. "You were always there, even when you weren't. I had my sweet doe."
She smiled back and he kissed her again, and this time no further words were said as he made his way down her body, worshipping her as he had so often longed to, loving her with all that he was now... and all that he ever would be.
~~~~~
"It's small, but adequate for a couple just beginning."
The young couple was not the typical couple, being two men, but that did not matter to the woman trying to sell the home. Their money spent just as well as anyone else's.
"Can we go upstairs?"
She hesitated only momentarily. "Of course. The stairs are actually hidden by this clever bookshelf," she pressed the lever that made it swing open and followed the young gay couple up.
They enthused briefly over the hidden staircase before beginning to comment on the narrowness of the stairs themselves. At the top of the stairs, they paused.
"What's wrong," she called down from below them.
"I... I thought I heard something," one young man admitted. The other nodded vigorously.
"Let's go back down," he said. "Maybe we should look at another house."
"But this one is going cheap," she insisted, moving aside for them and then following them as they hurried to the front door.
"That's okay. Cheap isn't everything."
"No. Let's look for someplace a bit more, uh, relaxing."
She sighed. "Very well. I have a small cottage near Keighley."
"Let's go look at it."
She led them out and closed and locked the door behind her.
The old two up, two down on Spinner's End was her longest held property; she had been trying to sell it for fifteen years. The agent before her had also been trying for several years before he offloaded it on her.
There were all sorts of stories -- that a murder had occurred, that a cuckolded husband had slain his adulterous wife and her lover, that a woman had gone mad from the loss of her child and killed her husband and herself.
She had no idea if any of them were true, but she doubted it.
The odd sounds around the home were not mournful or angry ones, far from it. She had sat in the living room of the place one entire afternoon, working on some documents, and listened.
If anything, the sounds around the home were rather more like young and frolicsome spirits... young and frolicsome spirits making love.
Based on her one afternoon there, the spectral couple liked to make love a lot... and all over the house.
Per at least one account, other people in the neighbourhood said the spirits seemed to enjoy vigorous relations all around the area, including the park. No one had ever seen them, but sometimes one could feel their presence, akin to the sensation of having two young people rush past intent on their own exploits. Most people in the neighbourhood had heard them, laughing or making love; they were considered friendly spirits to the area.
She led the young gay couple to her car now and sighed as she started it. She knew what they had probably heard. The sound only came from the first floor of the old house, from the open and seemingly empty rooms.
They were the sound of squeaking bed springs, followed by joyous peals of laughter and cries of ecstasy. Sometimes, if one listened carefully, one could hear the voices distinctly. They always said the same thing.
The female voice moaned, "Sev!" or possibly Seth, since Sev didn't sound like a name to her.
The male voice always sounded well and fully spent. The word he uttered was a shudder of sound released in husky, velvet tones which were very clear indeed. It was said with love and reverence and wonder.
"Lily..."
~~~~~
FINITE
~~~~~