FIC for closetravenclaw: "Hiding the Truth"
Title: Hiding the Truth
Author: hermoinejean7
Recipient: closetravenclaw
Rating: PG
Word count: ~2,000
Warnings: Traces of depression, perhaps.
Summary: Pain is a bitter, bitter thing. It is either hot like brands of fire, burning your heart and soul to ashes, or ice-cold, turning you into an emotionless stone. It takes many forms: all of them are like wisps of smoke, undistinguishable from one another, causing more harm by occupying the mind and the soul with their expanse of emotion; creating a void darker than the blackest of black holes.
The tale of Severus Snape and Lily Evans is one filled with pain, and how they chose to let it govern them. One chose to let it burn with a passion, cumulating it into hatred.The other chose to mask it with a façade of normality, letting it eat the heart up from within, never choosing to let it be known that pain had left its mark on the frailty that is called the heart.
Disclaimer: I’m not J.K. Rowling. All characters and settings from the Harry Potter Series.
Author's Notes : Thank you to L. and L. for their help!
Hiding the Truth
Tears chose to take their destined paths on the countenance of Lily Evans, and she never made an effort to stop them from doing so. All semblances of the collectedness and the calm that she’d so determinedly maintained throughout the morning evaporated once she was alone. Confusion reigned supreme, and emotions of anger, sadness, and distress combined to form a powerful mix which took over her mind entirely.
The words of the very public spat that had occurred in the morning repeated themselves within her brain, and just when she thought that she had reached a pause wherein they’d stop hurting so much, they came back to haunt her. Each passing moment just added to the pain, and like glowing embers sparking a fire, built a fire so passionate and so hot that it burnt a hole right through her heart. The only person who she had thought to be a true friend had just deserted her in a cruel, disgraceful manner, and he didn’t seem to care less about it. Oh, how she wished that he understood how much she felt for him.
Lily Evans did not believe in making one’s emotions public-one of the reasons she detested Potter, who, along with Black, had started the proceedings of the play that unfolded itself in the morning. She knew from the very first that it would turn ugly; fights involving Potter and Severus had always ended on an unpleasant note. Butting her nose in it was the last thing she’d wanted to do, but there’s a limit to tolerance, and the arrogant Potter crossed it. It wasn’t just Severus, Lily would have protested if anyone was hanging upside down in public.
It’s remarkable, really, how the mind has the subtle ability to only keep what it wants to, and not all that it receives. The arrogance of Potter did not register in Lily’s mind then; not after the events succeeding the well-dramatised Levitation of her so-called friend and the public humiliation she’d suffered. Just one word remained etched in her mind now. Mudblood.
Lily had done everything within her power to be a ‘normal’ witch in the wizarding world. But she couldn’t deny the fact that she was, in fact, Muggle-born. It was something she had inherited by birth, and she couldn’t change it with magic that she’d learnt over the years. Prejudice stemmed from the fact that she was a Muggle-born in the wizarding world; it distinctly made her feel inferior. It hurt her teenage-sized ego, and she detested being a ‘Mudblood’. She hated that word: not just because she was one among the targeted, but also because bias and discrimination based on one’s blood and ancestors, instead of their deeds, was a stupid ideology in her opinion. The fact that she’d been called that, by someone who had played a major role in shaping her views on the wizarding world in the first place, left her in no doubt that she was not with the Severus Snape that she’d known before going to Hogwarts.
More tears emerged; this time, out of anger. How could he call me that? She knew Severus had changed, and the company he kept now had been the constant topic of argument whenever the two of them met these days. But she had not expected this from him. Could his friends have affected him that much? Was he no more than a conceited Slytherin now? She did not want to believe that, but there could not be any doubt about his view on her kind now.
You aren’t the same, Severus. And if he hated Muggleborns this much, Lily decided she didn’t want to have anything more to do with him or his so called “gang.” Her eyes shone with resolution after some time, though her heart, still unsteady, was trying its very best to keep out the pain searing through it. It failed miserably.
~*~
The onyx eyes stared into the darkness within the room in the dungeons. It was not unlike the darkness within Severus’ mind at that moment. He didn’t reach out for his wand when he reached his dormitory; he didn’t want to. It was empty, as usual; his roommates were out in the grounds, away from the darkness. Severus was drawn to the darkness, though. There was an inexplicable bond between the environment and his sub-conscious mind. He didn’t understand it, but he usually felt comforted by the darkness around him. He just wanted the loneliness and the quiet to think - or rather, to stop thinking altogether.
I did it for you, he thought repeatedly. He let that thought fill his mind entirely, hoping it would somehow ease his pain. For it was pain, and he knew he couldn’t deny it. The cornucopia of emotions that was slowly eating him up from within was telling him that. But he suppressed them, as always. The façade of normality persisted, and the dark eyes didn’t show any sign of the emotion that was battering his heart. Disguise and concealment were something Severus had learnt early in his life out of necessity. Now, though, he could break down and just shout, cry, or yell, yet he tried to remain calm. And he thought of what had gone wrong so terribly.
The mind is a fickle thing, and it often changes its view on things. And that was exactly what happened to Severus. If there were to be some way to just erase the entire morning and start anew, Severus would have done anything to know about it. A part of his mind even contemplated on that for a full minute; he vaguely remembered reading about Time-Turners once. It was a futile attempt to hide from the stark truth. He realised it too, and after that initial one-moment spark of hope, his mind plunged into the darkness again.
He thought of why he’d done what he did today. Answers came to him slowly, but none were convincing enough. Not enough to convince the emotions that seemed to have paralysed him from within. He thought of how calculated and how meticulous his plan had been, though it had appeared to be nothing more than a flash of rage. It did not make him happy, nor did he celebrate its success. In fact, he only thought of ways and means to redeem himself in her eyes. But he couldn’t, and he knew that. However much he would have liked to go and let her know of why he had done what he had, he couldn’t. Firstly, he didn’t think she would believe it, and secondly, the only ever motive of the grandly orchestrated performance had been to create a rift for the sake of her protection, and that had already been done.
He would never go to meet Lily again. For her sake; for her life. And he would adhere to that till the end of his life. His love had no place when it came to rationale of his mind, and he knew his mind was right in thinking that Lily Evans’ life was in jeopardy if his friendship with her were to be known. With the kind of people he was dealing with, he had no doubt of the depths they could sink to in order to achieve their goals.
Yet, it was necessary to achieve them. Severus was, after all, the son of a witch. Since birth, he had been brought up with certain views, and those views couldn’t be changed that easily. He looked at the world with a view that had already been developed and nourished by his mother; it was natural. There arose a difference in ideology when he met Lily, and though he’d learnt a lot from her, he couldn’t change his opinion on certain facts he believed with conviction. He had not let that interfere with his world till now. But after Lily had begun questioning his company, and later, his opinions themselves, he knew there had come a time for a stand-off. His opinions versus his love. In the end, his opinion won. And his love was now locked deep within his heart, never to be let out into the open. Ice-cold was what Severus had become; a mere emotionless stone.
~*~
It was summer again, and Lily was back to the Muggle world, a world that seemed so alien to her now. She felt distinctly out of touch with the wizarding world, which worried her greatly. The Daily Prophet seemed to have nothing other than deaths and obituaries in its pages these days. Lord Voldemort was gaining power, and though the fact remained that the Muggle world was seemingly unaffected as of then, that was bound to change in the near future. Adding to her anxiety was the fact that her O.W. L. results were due any day.
The only person she used to speak to during the holidays on a regular basis, other than family, was Severus. And now she could feel nothing but spite for him. She just didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, and thought less and less about him. She couldn’t stop thinking about him altogether, though, and in one of the small compartments of her complex mind, there always existed concern for him. She just didn’t look at it often. That compartment was opened again when Lily went down to breakfast that day.
Seated at the dining table was her father, with a newspaper in his hand, and her mother was just getting the breakfast ready. She reckoned that her sister was still getting dressed, and by the number of cosmetics on Petunia’s dressing table, she had a very good idea why it was taking so long.
Small talk seemed to be the order of the morning, as her father and mother shared bits and pieces of news: her father read out from the newspaper, and her mother told him the recent goings-on in the neighbourhood. Lily usually tuned out of these.
“John, did you hear of the death at Spinner’s End yesterday?” her mother suddenly said, and Lily’s heart leapt up to her throat for a moment.
“Heard from Mr. Hopkins that there were queer people around the place. I wonder who’d want to know those people anyway; I’ve never seen them out anywhere.”
Lily looked in shock as her father and mother talked about Eileen Prince’s death. She was old, but Lily knew that Severus’ mother was a witch, and witches lived for a lot longer than what Severus’ mother had. She wondered how she’d died, and if it was due to Death Eaters. But most of all, she felt sorry for Severus. She still worried about him. She knew his father had died early, and now that his mother was dead too, she wondered how he was coping with all of it.
For a minute or two, she debated whether she should go to the funeral, if there was to be one. Even if there wasn’t she could at least meet him and offer her condolences to Severus, who would undoubtedly be feeling lonely. She still hadn’t forgiven Severus for what he’d done the other day. But then again, she’d once been his friend. After thinking over it while eating breakfast, she decided to go.
~*~
She turned the corner towards the other side of the factory, and found the dilapidated structure embedded between rows and rows of houses. A few people who were obviously wizards were seen going in and out of the house, but for the most part, it seemed empty. Lily cautiously peeked into the house through the open door, only to find people who she recognised by sight. They were prominently featured in the Daily Prophet. The place was swarming with Death Eaters. I can’t believe this, she thought.
It was then that Rabastan Lestrange, a seventh-year Slytherin, noticed her presence. “What are you doing here, Mudblood? I don’t think this is the right place for you,” he sneered.
“Who is this guest who has joined our August presence, Rabastan?” asked Lucius Malfoy, coming in through the other room. Lily felt scared, but this definitely didn’t remind her of a funeral, or even mourning.
It was then that Severus walked in through the same door, and for a moment, he appeared to be frozen on the spot. There was a long pause.
“Severus, your guest?” Bellatrix Lestrange asked from the other side of the room, scrutinising Lily carefully.
Severus didn’t know what to tell her. He turned away from Lily, and, with as much conviction as he could muster, he said, “No, I don’t think so… Why would I be socialising with Mudbloods and filth?”
Lily looked incredulously at Severus, and then, she calmly levelled her gaze and looked him in the eye. “I think I found the wrong door.”
She turned and marched out of the house.
~*~
Lily walked home with tears glistening in her eyes, again. Would he stoop to this level? she asked herself. Of course he could. If he can kill hundreds, what would he think of one sole woman? Nothing at all; it’d have been a cakewalk.
This was Severus, Death Eater, Slytherin and murderer. Not Severus, her friend. That he could have changed this much appalled her for a moment, but then, after what she’d experienced, she’d lost track of who Severus was, exactly.
And he’d insulted her a second time. She wondered why it hurt as much as the first. And as tears began to cloud her vision, she walked down the road to her house quickly. She went straight to her room, and shut herself in. This time, she felt no anger, just hatred. Hatred towards all that was Severus. Oh, how she loathed the man he had become now!
~*~
Severus continued with his work of renovating the house to be used as headquarters. His mother had apparated willingly to the Lestranges’ mansion after hearing the Dark Lord’s plan to use her humble dwelling. As the coming in and going out of wizards increased, the neighbours had become curious. To appease the neighbours, rumour had been spread that she had died of natural causes. Severus wished he could explain this to Lily, but like so many unspoken things between them, this would be another secret.
The words he had uttered had caused irreparable damage, and he knew it. His heart filled with sadness and grief as he understood the consequences of what he had just done. I did it for you, he repeated, slowly, letting the words sink in. He’d do it again to protect her, if need be. And that was how it would be, forever.
Author: hermoinejean7
Recipient: closetravenclaw
Rating: PG
Word count: ~2,000
Warnings: Traces of depression, perhaps.
Summary: Pain is a bitter, bitter thing. It is either hot like brands of fire, burning your heart and soul to ashes, or ice-cold, turning you into an emotionless stone. It takes many forms: all of them are like wisps of smoke, undistinguishable from one another, causing more harm by occupying the mind and the soul with their expanse of emotion; creating a void darker than the blackest of black holes.
The tale of Severus Snape and Lily Evans is one filled with pain, and how they chose to let it govern them. One chose to let it burn with a passion, cumulating it into hatred.The other chose to mask it with a façade of normality, letting it eat the heart up from within, never choosing to let it be known that pain had left its mark on the frailty that is called the heart.
Disclaimer: I’m not J.K. Rowling. All characters and settings from the Harry Potter Series.
Author's Notes : Thank you to L. and L. for their help!
Hiding the Truth
Tears chose to take their destined paths on the countenance of Lily Evans, and she never made an effort to stop them from doing so. All semblances of the collectedness and the calm that she’d so determinedly maintained throughout the morning evaporated once she was alone. Confusion reigned supreme, and emotions of anger, sadness, and distress combined to form a powerful mix which took over her mind entirely.
The words of the very public spat that had occurred in the morning repeated themselves within her brain, and just when she thought that she had reached a pause wherein they’d stop hurting so much, they came back to haunt her. Each passing moment just added to the pain, and like glowing embers sparking a fire, built a fire so passionate and so hot that it burnt a hole right through her heart. The only person who she had thought to be a true friend had just deserted her in a cruel, disgraceful manner, and he didn’t seem to care less about it. Oh, how she wished that he understood how much she felt for him.
Lily Evans did not believe in making one’s emotions public-one of the reasons she detested Potter, who, along with Black, had started the proceedings of the play that unfolded itself in the morning. She knew from the very first that it would turn ugly; fights involving Potter and Severus had always ended on an unpleasant note. Butting her nose in it was the last thing she’d wanted to do, but there’s a limit to tolerance, and the arrogant Potter crossed it. It wasn’t just Severus, Lily would have protested if anyone was hanging upside down in public.
It’s remarkable, really, how the mind has the subtle ability to only keep what it wants to, and not all that it receives. The arrogance of Potter did not register in Lily’s mind then; not after the events succeeding the well-dramatised Levitation of her so-called friend and the public humiliation she’d suffered. Just one word remained etched in her mind now. Mudblood.
Lily had done everything within her power to be a ‘normal’ witch in the wizarding world. But she couldn’t deny the fact that she was, in fact, Muggle-born. It was something she had inherited by birth, and she couldn’t change it with magic that she’d learnt over the years. Prejudice stemmed from the fact that she was a Muggle-born in the wizarding world; it distinctly made her feel inferior. It hurt her teenage-sized ego, and she detested being a ‘Mudblood’. She hated that word: not just because she was one among the targeted, but also because bias and discrimination based on one’s blood and ancestors, instead of their deeds, was a stupid ideology in her opinion. The fact that she’d been called that, by someone who had played a major role in shaping her views on the wizarding world in the first place, left her in no doubt that she was not with the Severus Snape that she’d known before going to Hogwarts.
More tears emerged; this time, out of anger. How could he call me that? She knew Severus had changed, and the company he kept now had been the constant topic of argument whenever the two of them met these days. But she had not expected this from him. Could his friends have affected him that much? Was he no more than a conceited Slytherin now? She did not want to believe that, but there could not be any doubt about his view on her kind now.
You aren’t the same, Severus. And if he hated Muggleborns this much, Lily decided she didn’t want to have anything more to do with him or his so called “gang.” Her eyes shone with resolution after some time, though her heart, still unsteady, was trying its very best to keep out the pain searing through it. It failed miserably.
~*~
The onyx eyes stared into the darkness within the room in the dungeons. It was not unlike the darkness within Severus’ mind at that moment. He didn’t reach out for his wand when he reached his dormitory; he didn’t want to. It was empty, as usual; his roommates were out in the grounds, away from the darkness. Severus was drawn to the darkness, though. There was an inexplicable bond between the environment and his sub-conscious mind. He didn’t understand it, but he usually felt comforted by the darkness around him. He just wanted the loneliness and the quiet to think - or rather, to stop thinking altogether.
I did it for you, he thought repeatedly. He let that thought fill his mind entirely, hoping it would somehow ease his pain. For it was pain, and he knew he couldn’t deny it. The cornucopia of emotions that was slowly eating him up from within was telling him that. But he suppressed them, as always. The façade of normality persisted, and the dark eyes didn’t show any sign of the emotion that was battering his heart. Disguise and concealment were something Severus had learnt early in his life out of necessity. Now, though, he could break down and just shout, cry, or yell, yet he tried to remain calm. And he thought of what had gone wrong so terribly.
The mind is a fickle thing, and it often changes its view on things. And that was exactly what happened to Severus. If there were to be some way to just erase the entire morning and start anew, Severus would have done anything to know about it. A part of his mind even contemplated on that for a full minute; he vaguely remembered reading about Time-Turners once. It was a futile attempt to hide from the stark truth. He realised it too, and after that initial one-moment spark of hope, his mind plunged into the darkness again.
He thought of why he’d done what he did today. Answers came to him slowly, but none were convincing enough. Not enough to convince the emotions that seemed to have paralysed him from within. He thought of how calculated and how meticulous his plan had been, though it had appeared to be nothing more than a flash of rage. It did not make him happy, nor did he celebrate its success. In fact, he only thought of ways and means to redeem himself in her eyes. But he couldn’t, and he knew that. However much he would have liked to go and let her know of why he had done what he had, he couldn’t. Firstly, he didn’t think she would believe it, and secondly, the only ever motive of the grandly orchestrated performance had been to create a rift for the sake of her protection, and that had already been done.
He would never go to meet Lily again. For her sake; for her life. And he would adhere to that till the end of his life. His love had no place when it came to rationale of his mind, and he knew his mind was right in thinking that Lily Evans’ life was in jeopardy if his friendship with her were to be known. With the kind of people he was dealing with, he had no doubt of the depths they could sink to in order to achieve their goals.
Yet, it was necessary to achieve them. Severus was, after all, the son of a witch. Since birth, he had been brought up with certain views, and those views couldn’t be changed that easily. He looked at the world with a view that had already been developed and nourished by his mother; it was natural. There arose a difference in ideology when he met Lily, and though he’d learnt a lot from her, he couldn’t change his opinion on certain facts he believed with conviction. He had not let that interfere with his world till now. But after Lily had begun questioning his company, and later, his opinions themselves, he knew there had come a time for a stand-off. His opinions versus his love. In the end, his opinion won. And his love was now locked deep within his heart, never to be let out into the open. Ice-cold was what Severus had become; a mere emotionless stone.
~*~
It was summer again, and Lily was back to the Muggle world, a world that seemed so alien to her now. She felt distinctly out of touch with the wizarding world, which worried her greatly. The Daily Prophet seemed to have nothing other than deaths and obituaries in its pages these days. Lord Voldemort was gaining power, and though the fact remained that the Muggle world was seemingly unaffected as of then, that was bound to change in the near future. Adding to her anxiety was the fact that her O.W. L. results were due any day.
The only person she used to speak to during the holidays on a regular basis, other than family, was Severus. And now she could feel nothing but spite for him. She just didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, and thought less and less about him. She couldn’t stop thinking about him altogether, though, and in one of the small compartments of her complex mind, there always existed concern for him. She just didn’t look at it often. That compartment was opened again when Lily went down to breakfast that day.
Seated at the dining table was her father, with a newspaper in his hand, and her mother was just getting the breakfast ready. She reckoned that her sister was still getting dressed, and by the number of cosmetics on Petunia’s dressing table, she had a very good idea why it was taking so long.
Small talk seemed to be the order of the morning, as her father and mother shared bits and pieces of news: her father read out from the newspaper, and her mother told him the recent goings-on in the neighbourhood. Lily usually tuned out of these.
“John, did you hear of the death at Spinner’s End yesterday?” her mother suddenly said, and Lily’s heart leapt up to her throat for a moment.
“Heard from Mr. Hopkins that there were queer people around the place. I wonder who’d want to know those people anyway; I’ve never seen them out anywhere.”
Lily looked in shock as her father and mother talked about Eileen Prince’s death. She was old, but Lily knew that Severus’ mother was a witch, and witches lived for a lot longer than what Severus’ mother had. She wondered how she’d died, and if it was due to Death Eaters. But most of all, she felt sorry for Severus. She still worried about him. She knew his father had died early, and now that his mother was dead too, she wondered how he was coping with all of it.
For a minute or two, she debated whether she should go to the funeral, if there was to be one. Even if there wasn’t she could at least meet him and offer her condolences to Severus, who would undoubtedly be feeling lonely. She still hadn’t forgiven Severus for what he’d done the other day. But then again, she’d once been his friend. After thinking over it while eating breakfast, she decided to go.
~*~
She turned the corner towards the other side of the factory, and found the dilapidated structure embedded between rows and rows of houses. A few people who were obviously wizards were seen going in and out of the house, but for the most part, it seemed empty. Lily cautiously peeked into the house through the open door, only to find people who she recognised by sight. They were prominently featured in the Daily Prophet. The place was swarming with Death Eaters. I can’t believe this, she thought.
It was then that Rabastan Lestrange, a seventh-year Slytherin, noticed her presence. “What are you doing here, Mudblood? I don’t think this is the right place for you,” he sneered.
“Who is this guest who has joined our August presence, Rabastan?” asked Lucius Malfoy, coming in through the other room. Lily felt scared, but this definitely didn’t remind her of a funeral, or even mourning.
It was then that Severus walked in through the same door, and for a moment, he appeared to be frozen on the spot. There was a long pause.
“Severus, your guest?” Bellatrix Lestrange asked from the other side of the room, scrutinising Lily carefully.
Severus didn’t know what to tell her. He turned away from Lily, and, with as much conviction as he could muster, he said, “No, I don’t think so… Why would I be socialising with Mudbloods and filth?”
Lily looked incredulously at Severus, and then, she calmly levelled her gaze and looked him in the eye. “I think I found the wrong door.”
She turned and marched out of the house.
~*~
Lily walked home with tears glistening in her eyes, again. Would he stoop to this level? she asked herself. Of course he could. If he can kill hundreds, what would he think of one sole woman? Nothing at all; it’d have been a cakewalk.
This was Severus, Death Eater, Slytherin and murderer. Not Severus, her friend. That he could have changed this much appalled her for a moment, but then, after what she’d experienced, she’d lost track of who Severus was, exactly.
And he’d insulted her a second time. She wondered why it hurt as much as the first. And as tears began to cloud her vision, she walked down the road to her house quickly. She went straight to her room, and shut herself in. This time, she felt no anger, just hatred. Hatred towards all that was Severus. Oh, how she loathed the man he had become now!
~*~
Severus continued with his work of renovating the house to be used as headquarters. His mother had apparated willingly to the Lestranges’ mansion after hearing the Dark Lord’s plan to use her humble dwelling. As the coming in and going out of wizards increased, the neighbours had become curious. To appease the neighbours, rumour had been spread that she had died of natural causes. Severus wished he could explain this to Lily, but like so many unspoken things between them, this would be another secret.
The words he had uttered had caused irreparable damage, and he knew it. His heart filled with sadness and grief as he understood the consequences of what he had just done. I did it for you, he repeated, slowly, letting the words sink in. He’d do it again to protect her, if need be. And that was how it would be, forever.