(no subject)
Alright, I've had time to settle and I think when the time comes I'll be ready to get shit done. I know I still want to move to NYC, because I don't want to need a car, I don't want a lawn, and I do want access to big fun events and celebrity sighting and musicals and tv show tapings.
I think I was romanticizing how "perfect" everything would be in the situation I was headed for based on homesickness. But I think I understand now.
The most important thing I've learned since coming home is that, sadly, friends aren't always going to be your most faithful support group. Friends come and go and move on and replace you. I texted everyone when I got my new phone, and they politely replied with the cursory "hurray you're back in the US" messages, but no one has time for me when I try to make plans. My NC friends are a little scattered and are off pursuing higher education or jobs or internships now. I can't be mad at them for getting on with their lives. My friends who are in New York are all the way in New York, so of course they're moving on.
But who has been regularly calling me, following through with plans to hang out, and making me feel generally welcomed back? My family. My parents are off on that cruise this week, which has been weird because I'm used to being able to at least text or skype them, but my Grandmom calls me every day or so to make sure I'm doing alright and Wednesday we had a whole day of hanging out and cooking and chatting about social justice (for a Bible thumper she's amazingly fair-minded!) and last night we drove a half hour to my old cinema and met up with my uncle Stuart. They were fun to chat with and they were really supportive, and it was my uncle who really got through to me. He reminded me that his brother lives in Trenton, which has access to NYC via the NJTransit (I obviously should have thought of this seeing how Uncle Peter has put me up jillions of times for my various NYC adventures dating all the way back to childhood!) and would be glad to let me crash in one of the rooms his wife's three kids abandoned having left for college. Stuart told me that family is always here for me. I can't believe I forgot about that. I was so eager to get home to see all those friends, but they have every right to have moved on with their lives. My family HAS to care about me, though, and of course Peter will have my back if I ask him for help with this move.
The second thing I learned last night was that everything is easier now that I'm in the US. We went to the movies and there was a CUUUUTE guy working in the concession stand. We both were stealing glances at each other (I had dolled up quite a bit in case I ran into my old crush from college who also works there, but unfortunately I didn't) and when I finally had the courage to chat with him he immediately started telling me I should come back and pick up shifts at that cinema. It was the first time I've felt a sense of mutual attraction and mild flirting (mild flirting is all I'm equiped to do, unfortunately, but I'm learning as I build my self-confidence) and it was totally exhilarating. I remembered how well I was able to impress everyone who interviewed me at Target and how I was the one who started friendly conversations as the other new employees and I waited at orientation.
I may have been treated like a freak for the past year by a particularly obnoxious family in a society that thinks "introvert" is an insult (literally they define it as someone who hates other people) but goddammit, I am charming as hell. I'm not as shy as I have acted for the past year. I'm not as awkward as that family made me feel. In fact, I'm pretty spectacularly open and outgoing.
There's no way I can't make new friends and get this show back on the road.
Unfortunately I will have to live out of those damn blue suitcases for a while longer, but losing my support group of friends isn't the end of the world: I still have a support group of family, and luckily for me, I have a lot of really cool uncles.
So I was wrong when I accused the universe of betraying me: the problem was just that I had misinterpreted this year's lesson. It's true that I can't isolate myself. I can't live alone, but I also can't pin all my expectations for friendship on a small group of people... after all, that's just another version of isolating myself. Making new friends will be easier here, and, once I've built up my savings a little bit, you can bet your ass that I'll be ready for a new start.
*cue a Braodway power ballad about self-sufficience and starting over*
I think I was romanticizing how "perfect" everything would be in the situation I was headed for based on homesickness. But I think I understand now.
The most important thing I've learned since coming home is that, sadly, friends aren't always going to be your most faithful support group. Friends come and go and move on and replace you. I texted everyone when I got my new phone, and they politely replied with the cursory "hurray you're back in the US" messages, but no one has time for me when I try to make plans. My NC friends are a little scattered and are off pursuing higher education or jobs or internships now. I can't be mad at them for getting on with their lives. My friends who are in New York are all the way in New York, so of course they're moving on.
But who has been regularly calling me, following through with plans to hang out, and making me feel generally welcomed back? My family. My parents are off on that cruise this week, which has been weird because I'm used to being able to at least text or skype them, but my Grandmom calls me every day or so to make sure I'm doing alright and Wednesday we had a whole day of hanging out and cooking and chatting about social justice (for a Bible thumper she's amazingly fair-minded!) and last night we drove a half hour to my old cinema and met up with my uncle Stuart. They were fun to chat with and they were really supportive, and it was my uncle who really got through to me. He reminded me that his brother lives in Trenton, which has access to NYC via the NJTransit (I obviously should have thought of this seeing how Uncle Peter has put me up jillions of times for my various NYC adventures dating all the way back to childhood!) and would be glad to let me crash in one of the rooms his wife's three kids abandoned having left for college. Stuart told me that family is always here for me. I can't believe I forgot about that. I was so eager to get home to see all those friends, but they have every right to have moved on with their lives. My family HAS to care about me, though, and of course Peter will have my back if I ask him for help with this move.
The second thing I learned last night was that everything is easier now that I'm in the US. We went to the movies and there was a CUUUUTE guy working in the concession stand. We both were stealing glances at each other (I had dolled up quite a bit in case I ran into my old crush from college who also works there, but unfortunately I didn't) and when I finally had the courage to chat with him he immediately started telling me I should come back and pick up shifts at that cinema. It was the first time I've felt a sense of mutual attraction and mild flirting (mild flirting is all I'm equiped to do, unfortunately, but I'm learning as I build my self-confidence) and it was totally exhilarating. I remembered how well I was able to impress everyone who interviewed me at Target and how I was the one who started friendly conversations as the other new employees and I waited at orientation.
I may have been treated like a freak for the past year by a particularly obnoxious family in a society that thinks "introvert" is an insult (literally they define it as someone who hates other people) but goddammit, I am charming as hell. I'm not as shy as I have acted for the past year. I'm not as awkward as that family made me feel. In fact, I'm pretty spectacularly open and outgoing.
There's no way I can't make new friends and get this show back on the road.
Unfortunately I will have to live out of those damn blue suitcases for a while longer, but losing my support group of friends isn't the end of the world: I still have a support group of family, and luckily for me, I have a lot of really cool uncles.
So I was wrong when I accused the universe of betraying me: the problem was just that I had misinterpreted this year's lesson. It's true that I can't isolate myself. I can't live alone, but I also can't pin all my expectations for friendship on a small group of people... after all, that's just another version of isolating myself. Making new friends will be easier here, and, once I've built up my savings a little bit, you can bet your ass that I'll be ready for a new start.
*cue a Braodway power ballad about self-sufficience and starting over*