(no subject)
Today I had my first "trial day" with this host family, and I'll probably say something about it later in a relevant post. On the way out, around 9pm, I was heading out the door and the host mom, who's a self-avowed "maniaque" (wordreference suggests "fusspot", I'd suggest "paranoid") began fretting that it was nearly dark and I was planning to walk home alone.
I thought that was silly. I'm starting my third year in Paris, and it was a fifteen to twenty minute walk that I had made countless times before, often in the wee hours of the morning after a night of stagedooring! Anyway there's no métro line that goes directly back to the area where my boyfriend/current host family live, so it's just faster to go on foot.
But somehow her attitude put me on edge for the rest of the night, and when I left Vincent's house shorty after midnight I realized I was totally jumpy. I was wearing a short dress and my hair in an intricate braid that wrapped partway around my head, which reminded me of all the things they tell you rapists look out for. There's always a group of really frightening "youths" lounging out front of an abandoned building near Vincent's place, plus a weird construction yard where a guy sits in his car all night and his enormous dog terrifies anyone who dares use the sidewalk on the other side of the chain link fence. Normally these things make me nervous, but tonight they were horrifying.
Then a car pulls up against the curb, and the lone man inside starts calling to me, asking me to make a phone call. I shout back that I can't and he hears my accent and switches to English, asking the same question over and over. He's only a few feet away from me, the street is empty, everything is dark, and, for the millionth time, I realize I have no way to defend myself. When I don't slow down or approach the car, the guy speeds off around the traffic circle, then passes me again on the other side of the road.
I was absolutely convinced that he was going to turn around and come back for me, and it was all I could do to remain calm. This is saying something, because normally I'm a pretty level-headed motherfucker in crisis situations. My eyes were filling with tears and my heart was pounding; I hadn't been that scared since my walk back to the train station in Belgium. Every time I heard a car approaching in the distance I began to panic inside. I did the thing where you put your keys between your fingers and make a fist, but keys in France are all different sizes and I knew that wasn't going to work as a weapon if the guy came back. The whole way home I felt hunted, and when I finally arrived I locked the door even though it doesn't have a working knob and can only be opened by a key AND is behind a tall fence that an attacker also wouldn't have a key to.
I got home and decided that I never want to feel that helpless again, so I started trying to figure out how I could get pepper spray in Paris. Even if I never use it, knowing I had something would keep me from getting so upset when things like this happen (which... is every couple of months). And that was when I got REALLY upset.
Every. Fucking. Website. Was. Useless. Anyone who has ever asked the internet for advice on self-defense in Paris or Europe is met with "Europe is much safer than America" type responses. People said everything from, "Why would you need pepper spray if you're not doing something stupid?" to "I guess I've never been attacked in Paris because I only ever go out expecting to have fun, not to get into a fight" to "Just don't go anywhere alone if you're a girl!"
FUCK THOSE USELESS RESPONSES. FUCK VICTIM BLAMING. I was TERRIFIED tonight, and it's not because I was ~*stupid*~ to be in a ~*dangerous*~ neighborhood or whatever, because I wasn't, I was walking a way I've gone a thousand million times. I was lucky that nothing happened and I've always been lucky but I DON'T LIKE TO BE AFRAID.
I'm trying to figure out how I can get one of these delivered to France, because the fourth or fifth page I read had some throwaway comment about pepper spray being illegal here or something.
I thought that was silly. I'm starting my third year in Paris, and it was a fifteen to twenty minute walk that I had made countless times before, often in the wee hours of the morning after a night of stagedooring! Anyway there's no métro line that goes directly back to the area where my boyfriend/current host family live, so it's just faster to go on foot.
But somehow her attitude put me on edge for the rest of the night, and when I left Vincent's house shorty after midnight I realized I was totally jumpy. I was wearing a short dress and my hair in an intricate braid that wrapped partway around my head, which reminded me of all the things they tell you rapists look out for. There's always a group of really frightening "youths" lounging out front of an abandoned building near Vincent's place, plus a weird construction yard where a guy sits in his car all night and his enormous dog terrifies anyone who dares use the sidewalk on the other side of the chain link fence. Normally these things make me nervous, but tonight they were horrifying.
Then a car pulls up against the curb, and the lone man inside starts calling to me, asking me to make a phone call. I shout back that I can't and he hears my accent and switches to English, asking the same question over and over. He's only a few feet away from me, the street is empty, everything is dark, and, for the millionth time, I realize I have no way to defend myself. When I don't slow down or approach the car, the guy speeds off around the traffic circle, then passes me again on the other side of the road.
I was absolutely convinced that he was going to turn around and come back for me, and it was all I could do to remain calm. This is saying something, because normally I'm a pretty level-headed motherfucker in crisis situations. My eyes were filling with tears and my heart was pounding; I hadn't been that scared since my walk back to the train station in Belgium. Every time I heard a car approaching in the distance I began to panic inside. I did the thing where you put your keys between your fingers and make a fist, but keys in France are all different sizes and I knew that wasn't going to work as a weapon if the guy came back. The whole way home I felt hunted, and when I finally arrived I locked the door even though it doesn't have a working knob and can only be opened by a key AND is behind a tall fence that an attacker also wouldn't have a key to.
I got home and decided that I never want to feel that helpless again, so I started trying to figure out how I could get pepper spray in Paris. Even if I never use it, knowing I had something would keep me from getting so upset when things like this happen (which... is every couple of months). And that was when I got REALLY upset.
Every. Fucking. Website. Was. Useless. Anyone who has ever asked the internet for advice on self-defense in Paris or Europe is met with "Europe is much safer than America" type responses. People said everything from, "Why would you need pepper spray if you're not doing something stupid?" to "I guess I've never been attacked in Paris because I only ever go out expecting to have fun, not to get into a fight" to "Just don't go anywhere alone if you're a girl!"
FUCK THOSE USELESS RESPONSES. FUCK VICTIM BLAMING. I was TERRIFIED tonight, and it's not because I was ~*stupid*~ to be in a ~*dangerous*~ neighborhood or whatever, because I wasn't, I was walking a way I've gone a thousand million times. I was lucky that nothing happened and I've always been lucky but I DON'T LIKE TO BE AFRAID.
I'm trying to figure out how I can get one of these delivered to France, because the fourth or fifth page I read had some throwaway comment about pepper spray being illegal here or something.