:/
I don't like how one little thing can set me off and give me a bad feeling for the rest of the day. Maybe once I get back to France I can pick up where I left off and maybe I'll be able to feel good about myself most of the time and not just every once in a while.
Apparently the host family liked my dossier and the next step is for them to contact me directly. I've gotten kind of attached to the concept of these three kids, but not as attached as I am to the concept of having my own apartment in the 13th arrondissement. Yeah, I'll be getting up early and bundling three kids off to school, then picking them up later and spending most of the afternoon entertaining them, not to mention a bunch of housework on Wednesdays and stuff, but I'm suffering here with nothing to do with my life. I think I've used the word "directionless" in every entry. If I wasn't working toward getting back to Paris I think I'd have gone kind of crazy weeks ago.
Maybe I play the Sims too often and now I just always expect to have an achievable goal in sight. It was easy as a groupie: every weekend I went to another city and accomplished so many things on my own--hotels, trains, teeny moments endearing myself to the famous people I love and admire--but here I go days at a time without leaving the apartment. I don't want to leave. Every time I open the door the humidity grosses me out and I just want to go back inside and lie down some more. I only go out to go to work, and then I come straight home and get right back online. Yesterday I turned the computer off long enough to watch Amadeus (sobbed my way through all the scenes that made me think of Da Ponte) and halfway through the movie I got an urge to get back online.
I know I can be awesome and I know I enjoy it. I like challenges that I have to overcome, like speaking French on a daily basis or getting the name of the Troupe's hotel. I don't like sitting around trying to think of something to do.
I'm sorry to every single person who's had to talk to me this summer, online or in person. I can't talk or think about anything but Patrice Maktav. I wish I could for everyone's sake. I know how easy it is for me to cling to something like this and lose touch with rationality, but when you've done the things I've done, at what point are you being unrealistic?
I need something to do, but at the same time I don't want to do anything. It's 9:30 and I've already put on my pyjamas and gotten in bed.
Apparently the host family liked my dossier and the next step is for them to contact me directly. I've gotten kind of attached to the concept of these three kids, but not as attached as I am to the concept of having my own apartment in the 13th arrondissement. Yeah, I'll be getting up early and bundling three kids off to school, then picking them up later and spending most of the afternoon entertaining them, not to mention a bunch of housework on Wednesdays and stuff, but I'm suffering here with nothing to do with my life. I think I've used the word "directionless" in every entry. If I wasn't working toward getting back to Paris I think I'd have gone kind of crazy weeks ago.
Maybe I play the Sims too often and now I just always expect to have an achievable goal in sight. It was easy as a groupie: every weekend I went to another city and accomplished so many things on my own--hotels, trains, teeny moments endearing myself to the famous people I love and admire--but here I go days at a time without leaving the apartment. I don't want to leave. Every time I open the door the humidity grosses me out and I just want to go back inside and lie down some more. I only go out to go to work, and then I come straight home and get right back online. Yesterday I turned the computer off long enough to watch Amadeus (sobbed my way through all the scenes that made me think of Da Ponte) and halfway through the movie I got an urge to get back online.
I know I can be awesome and I know I enjoy it. I like challenges that I have to overcome, like speaking French on a daily basis or getting the name of the Troupe's hotel. I don't like sitting around trying to think of something to do.
I'm sorry to every single person who's had to talk to me this summer, online or in person. I can't talk or think about anything but Patrice Maktav. I wish I could for everyone's sake. I know how easy it is for me to cling to something like this and lose touch with rationality, but when you've done the things I've done, at what point are you being unrealistic?
I need something to do, but at the same time I don't want to do anything. It's 9:30 and I've already put on my pyjamas and gotten in bed.