Perhaps most of what i"m saying is that offering condolences is not about bringing up your own sorrows, or mortality when the person you are offering them to has an overwhelming and raw amount of their own. It is NEVER appropriate to make some one else's new grief about you. Never.
I do stand by losing a grandparent is not like losing a parent. Regardless of the circumstances and duration of the passing. The person who raised you is very different from anyone else in your family. And losing your parent when you are under 30 is very different from losing your parent when you are in your 40's-60's. It's no less terrible but there is a whole sense of loss that has to do with the time you thought you would be granted...and the fact that the person who was so close to you will never meet any of the people who will end up being your second family. There are a lot fewer consolations.
And talking about these things is certainly how you feel closer to other people... but right after the fucking funeral is not the appropriate time to bring up your personal loss with someone who is grieving unless it is a relatively similar situation.
So yes. I'd say you're right. it is about gauging the situation.
I hear what you're saying, and I agree with you about not making other people's grief yours. But some people (including, to a very large extent, me) are raised by their grandparents as well as their parents, and it's frustrating that US culture doesn't really have a template for dealing with people in multigenerational family setups. It's easier to me to explain my situation to people from India or China, sometimes.
Also, my dad's sister died in her early thirties so maybe I have trouble understanding that other people think there's time that they're going to get. Most of my life, I was surprised we've all got as much time as we've had so far.
I was constantly at my grammie claire's house growing up, I went there every day after school some years, every friday night, many weekends... she even lived downstairs in our home when I got to high school. I *do* come from a multi-generational family set up. She was the caretaker for her mother and they both babysat me when I was really small. I don't come from a family where we pack up the elderly and we are 4 generations from the same town... I have quite a bit of experience with the multigenerational family.
I'm not saying that losing a grandparent isn't a terrible thing. I'm saying that I have lost great grandparents, grand parents, great aunts and uncles and a parent at this point. All of these people were people I had relationships with. And losing all of them was terrible they were all people who made me feel taken care of and safe growing up. Some of them died suddenly, some of them languished over the course of years...and some of them did a combination of the two.
Losing my Dad was the most disorienting and felt the most absolutely unfair.
I do stand by losing a grandparent is not like losing a parent. Regardless of the circumstances and duration of the passing.
The person who raised you is very different from anyone else in your family. And losing your parent when you are under 30 is very different from losing your parent when you are in your 40's-60's. It's no less terrible but there is a whole sense of loss that has to do with the time you thought you would be granted...and the fact that the person who was so close to you will never meet any of the people who will end up being your second family. There are a lot fewer consolations.
And talking about these things is certainly how you feel closer to other people... but right after the fucking funeral is not the appropriate time to bring up your personal loss with someone who is grieving unless it is a relatively similar situation.
So yes. I'd say you're right. it is about gauging the situation.
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Also, my dad's sister died in her early thirties so maybe I have trouble understanding that other people think there's time that they're going to get. Most of my life, I was surprised we've all got as much time as we've had so far.
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I'm not saying that losing a grandparent isn't a terrible thing. I'm saying that I have lost great grandparents, grand parents, great aunts and uncles and a parent at this point. All of these people were people I had relationships with. And losing all of them was terrible they were all people who made me feel taken care of and safe growing up. Some of them died suddenly, some of them languished over the course of years...and some of them did a combination of the two.
Losing my Dad was the most disorienting and felt the most absolutely unfair.
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