long thoughts :p
So I went to work today then passed out asleep when i got home :p after that i decided to go to Orteck to see the games and all. It was alright. It was small compared to the game store in sc. The games seemed nice, but I'm not one to join a game i don't know or ask help from people I don't know. So i just looked around then left. It felt too weird to sit there watching. It'd be a good place to go if someone I knew was doing a game. I'd feel less odd plus if i didn't knwo the game, i would have someone to teach me. So yeah, probably won't go back unless i want to do some computer stuff or know someone running a game. I wonder what games they have on the computers. I remember back when worms was popular at the game store. That was so funny, man i miss that game...>.> yeah, i ain't got balls, i know. hehe. I'm goign to check out the place behind it next week cause i'm still curious if i can survive a day or see what they say. I need physical activity in my life. My doctor would agree. You should have seen her face when i told her because i sit on my butt all day and love playing video games that i have no physical activity in my life. I can't do those crazy work out places. Its so boring when I go. If i'm doing something like learning or something that seems fun then I can get into it. I've always liked martial arts. Wanted to do it when i lived in sc at the studio beside the game store, especially with Kari there, but i never had the money. I figure if the martial arts doesn't work then i can just do something i've always loved, belly dancing. I miss that. The bell dancing studio in bristol is gone. It'll be a search to find a place. I think there's one down town. I also wanted to find a yoga place too. The one that was in town, yoga tree, is closed now.
other things going on is i'm starting to wonder why i believe what i believe. The thoughts of death that i tend to have are turning from fear into wonder. My mind still is afraid of them but it has started to make me wonder. You can blame the ben stien movie for the wondering. The whole I.D. thing came to mind. I.D. is different from creationism. I.D. is under the idea of having a designer. It doesn't name one. It just explores the idea. They see that from microbiology that nothing seems accidental. Its as if everything was so perfectly designed to run on its own. I.D. isn't highly supported in the science community because they think its like a science religion, but i think its a good idea. Especially with so many holes in darwin's theory that even darwinians see. All theorys of accident seem to be disproven as science develops but science community holds onto them like a fundamentalist to a dying religion. Anyway, so i been thinking, "why death?" Nothing ever explains it. I mean adam and eve were meant to live forever right? So why death? Yeah, you say sin. Overall, every thing dies every day. Things in your body die. i mean thats why your nails grow and your hair grows. I don't understand why we have to get old and die or why we even have to eat. We do things and crave them but I don't understand the purpose. Humans are also very unique from the rest of the world. We're the only ones that seem to want to create and go further. We are very inventive while the rest of creation stays as it always has been as long as we don't touch it. We want to learn more, understand, and go further. If we didn't or weren't so unique, then how'd we get to where we are now? There are so many unique qualities like the want to not be alone or unloved. Its like its engraved in the human mind. I can understand things being eternal. Space is eternal. Its always existed and has always been there far as we know. We don't know how far it reaches. we just have estimations. We don't know whats out there. Its just there. We don't really know how long anything, not even the earth has existed. We just guess. Creationist say its a young earth according to the bible. Modern Science says its an old earth that has developed everything. I.D. people say they don't know at this point. Far as we know, its always existed.
Sometimes i feel like the gor book I was reading. There are three levels of gorean knowledge. there's first knowledge. The knowledge given to the lower castes, the ones with less power. Far as they know the planet of Gor is flat and there's nothing else. Its to limit their ability and power. Then there's second knowledge. That is knowledge given to the higher castes, those with all the power. They are taught that Gor is a sort of a "spinning top" shape as the author wrote. They know that there are other worlds and ways to travel to them. They know that the planet has been traveling the universe. They know a lot about the world. Third knowledge is that of the Priest-Kings. They are the highest level you can be in Gor but no one knows much about them. They are like the Gods of Olympus. I feel like someone who has first knowledge. I know so much and can't get any further. I feel so limited and my days on this earth are limited so i will never know.
Its just i think its something i have to explore and understand. I think i'm going to do that when I can.
Right now, I'm handling the lack of life i have and my lonliness issues. I have no life outside of work and i'm growing to hate it. It sucks when you go to work to feel like you've got some sort of life. >.> it sucks when you go to work just to be with friends. I hate coming home just to be in an empty house and having nothing to do when i'm not at work. I'm trying to find acitvities to be active in this world and be sociable. Its a slow process, and thats driving me nuts cause i've spent almost a year where I live and being alone. Its so hard to explain to people you're a hermit cause you gave up everything in your life to go to school, which turned out to suck and i couldnt do it anyway cause they dropped my major without telling me then acted like i'd be fine. Whats the point of getting a degree if you cant do your major? When I moved out of where I was last year in may, I lost my whole social life and sandra replaced me you could say. My friends don't come around my home anymore. They jsut live their life as it is cause tahts how it has always been. They live life around the home they are in. They don't really even call me anymore. Sara says its cause she can't remember my number. Honestly, she's got it. I put it in Quazzy's phone a long while ago. She also says its cause they are busy too cause of work. I don't know how to respond to that one. I just think I don't occur in people's minds. As for my other friends, their lives have moved forward and they have no time outside of their homes. Angel's busy with her kid and contending her engagement. which that is so funny to me. I've never seen a woman fight the fact that she's engaged and going to get married one day. She loves clint to death, but she hates the idea of getting married for some reason. I think its the fact of being all formal and having to perform in front of everyone they know. :: snickers :: She's not much for that. She likes private and left alone more. Karen's got her kids and her odd relationship with albert, the coke man. She's also starting to have issues with Dial-America. They went into work to find otu that there was no work for them. She said she doesn't get paid enough already and can't miss work. She fighting if she should come back to ACT. She found out she can through a temp service. She wants to go to BICS so she can do inbound, plus its like the side of collections any collector can do if they want to retire from collections. Its so much easier and less demanding compared to dell or boa collections. She's not sure and would need a day shift class seeing that she has to take care of her kids. She's still got some fears and albert is kind of on edge about the idea. Um then there's michael. I don't knwo if i'm a friend or just someone he talks to from time to time. I'm voting for number two. Its not like i'm fully welcome over there. I don't feel welcome. Its why I never drop by to see sara or chris. I just still feel like I'm sandra's enemy just cause i'm michael's ex. She says I'm not jsut she's not comfortable with an ex being around. So i'm still like "thats different from how i'm treated in what way?" I love being around michael and talking to him. Its fun. He confuses me with things he knows confuses me but I laugh cause I know its in good fun. Plus, i'm easily confused anyway. It feels good to laugh too. I think tahts why I talk to him, cause I miss laughing and I know he can make me laugh to where i feel good inside again. I miss feeling good inside...My other friends I am close to a point but not enough to say "hey lets go chill!" out of random, plus i have no balls :p I really am afraid of doing things wrong.
I miss having close friends like the Ramseys. I could just go over to the house and knock. Ian would let me in, unless he was asleep. The entrance to the house was ian's room >.> I would go to the living room. Joe and Drew would wave hi from whatever game or movie was playing. One of them would talk about something going on or some joke. I would just chat back or laugh. I would greet their mom and talk about whatever she asked about. I could spend hours there if i wanted. I could talk to ian, joe, or drew about whatever. They respect that i allergic to cigerettes so when anyone smoked the door would be open so i could step out or they could. It just depended on how many smokers were visiting. The only issue I had was supper time. I didn't want to eat cause i felt rude intruding on that time. You offended Ms. Ramsey when you didn't eat and she knew you hadn't. They knew me too well to know that I didn't eat. The one bribe i couldn't refuse was when they went to the pizza house. i would end up thinking "damn now i'm stuck. i love that place too much" then say, "okay okay i'll go" or sometimes be like "OOO can i go? can i go????" Damn i miss those days. I miss the ramsey boys. Last time i saw their family, they fell on hard times. Joe had just returned from D.C. and being released from the army. He was fighting getting his benefits. Ms. Ramsey was having a hard time just making bills and paying on the house. Drew was going through so much. He wasn't the fun loving drew i knew. I was so concerned for him. He had completely changed who he was. It was rough to watch. Ian was working to help with bills by working at walmart and I think he got engaged.
I also still have the other lonliness issue that will never be solved anytime soon. That issue deals with wanting someone to love. I'm extremely picky, and tend to make jokes to angel about it. I won't just take anyone in my life, yet i feel alone and want someone around to care about and be cared about. Its an addiction, ive resolved to that as the answer, and there's nothing i can do about it. I know one day i will find someone but the lonliness of this with memories of how wonderful it was to be with michael drives me nuts some days. The only good that comes out of it is that i have an idea of what i want my life to be like and how i want to live it. I have an idea of what i want out of my partner and what it would be like to be fully loved, and not cause its something i imaged. Its something i've experienced. Love is the most precious gift given to us. The person we love has to be handled with care cause it could break you both.
Oh, Mom got hired then fired at my work place. I've never knew anyone to fail the collections quiz, but i have no idea whats on it since i've never taken a boa class, EVER. My Dell class was funny. We spent most of the time making chris not teach. It was easy with Jessie being a cowboys fan and Chris Willen was a colts fan. Its not like there was much to learn, i guess. Most who get hired now don't understand that. Those who've been there long enough know that there used to be more than boa for collections classes. They used to run dell, litton, saxon, mbna, and boa classes. Sprint never got a chance. By then all classes that weren't boa were gone :p they tend to think now that nothing is too different from boa anyways cause its all collections. lol yeah right....Dell is a totally different experience for those not trained in it. those who came into dell after 2006 really don't even know half of what you're supposed to know. We are lazy and don't teach well. >.> But, its starting to get to a point of ridiculus for me on the laziness. I'm trying to show new people that they need to look at the commands, but not take advantage of them. They n eed to learn more about what they are doing instead of being robots that do what they are told. I've been placed from them so i only do it when they come near me. I also find travis is a sucky supervisor. We're so used to Nathan taking action and getting things done that we have no confidence in Travis, who seems less effective and a yes sir no sir kind of guy. Miss Jackie doesn't even have confidence in him. THats pretty bad if miss jackie feels that way. She even gets in on angel, me, sabrina, and shannon's gossiping! She dun like gossip! lol
anyway, i'm off to bed. my internet is down at the moment. well not down. its green in signal but i can't touch it. It does this from time to time. nothing i can do about it til it decides to work. I mean it is like when you listen to the radio. I guess i should look for the strong point in my house like Casey on sl told me to do one day. I could find it if i knew which neighbor this signal came from :p anway. i'll psot this when it works. later!