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Well folks, it has been a long time since I've written anything here. But sometimes, letting out the thoughts beating themselves against the inside of my skull helps. So here goes.
School. sucks.
It started out so well, the supposedly hardest semester of my career in physics. I made high As and Bs on my first midterm exams. I was going to class every day, EVERY DAY! I was keeping up with work in the lab. I didn't quite understand what was so hard about it. And then it hit me, I have no idea what I'm doing. I've had the nasty habit of doing every thing on my own, since the first semester. Well turns out, Daryn was right. IT FUCKS you over when you get to this point. I never thought id admit this so readily, but I NEED HELP. I don't know where to get it, or rather I know where, just not how to go about getting it.
I feel demoralized and tired, incompetent and fighting with myself about where my place in the world actually is. Surely I have one. I find myself romanticizing my past lives, and longing for friends that have probably long ago forgotten me. Mostly, I have lost will. I feel inches away from giving up at any moment, and despair at the thought of never actually getting a degree. It seems like everyone around me has one of these pieces of paper that I find so hard to achieve for myself.
I want so badly to graduate. Somehow just saying it doesn't get across the urgency of this need. I want to say the words "I just graduated this spring...." To move on to a stage in my life that isn't ruled by fear, anxiety and loneliness.
How can I explore myself and the other hobbies that I love without becoming so distracted that I cant finish the work I need to get done. I don't want my entire life to be about physics. I don't. I want it to be about family and art and music and love AND science. But it seems lately that I'm a terrible juggler.
on a happier note, I have taken up yoga. I've become obsessed, as with everything that I become interested in, and lately its the only thing I really look forward to doing.
I really want to make it. I want to grow up. I want to stop hiding from responsibilities. Right now, I want to smoke pot, how is that helpful? Its not.
anyways,
I apologize that it isn't a happy post, and is sincerely self centered and whiny. I just needed to type something that didn't have to do with non-inertial reference frames. I hope everyone else is doing better than I am.
(fade out soulful piano music)
School. sucks.
It started out so well, the supposedly hardest semester of my career in physics. I made high As and Bs on my first midterm exams. I was going to class every day, EVERY DAY! I was keeping up with work in the lab. I didn't quite understand what was so hard about it. And then it hit me, I have no idea what I'm doing. I've had the nasty habit of doing every thing on my own, since the first semester. Well turns out, Daryn was right. IT FUCKS you over when you get to this point. I never thought id admit this so readily, but I NEED HELP. I don't know where to get it, or rather I know where, just not how to go about getting it.
I feel demoralized and tired, incompetent and fighting with myself about where my place in the world actually is. Surely I have one. I find myself romanticizing my past lives, and longing for friends that have probably long ago forgotten me. Mostly, I have lost will. I feel inches away from giving up at any moment, and despair at the thought of never actually getting a degree. It seems like everyone around me has one of these pieces of paper that I find so hard to achieve for myself.
I want so badly to graduate. Somehow just saying it doesn't get across the urgency of this need. I want to say the words "I just graduated this spring...." To move on to a stage in my life that isn't ruled by fear, anxiety and loneliness.
How can I explore myself and the other hobbies that I love without becoming so distracted that I cant finish the work I need to get done. I don't want my entire life to be about physics. I don't. I want it to be about family and art and music and love AND science. But it seems lately that I'm a terrible juggler.
on a happier note, I have taken up yoga. I've become obsessed, as with everything that I become interested in, and lately its the only thing I really look forward to doing.
I really want to make it. I want to grow up. I want to stop hiding from responsibilities. Right now, I want to smoke pot, how is that helpful? Its not.
anyways,
I apologize that it isn't a happy post, and is sincerely self centered and whiny. I just needed to type something that didn't have to do with non-inertial reference frames. I hope everyone else is doing better than I am.
(fade out soulful piano music)