An early Christmas Present...
...for Shelly
Peaceful and serene at 3:15 in the afternoon, Leslie ignored the mind-numbing muzak and focused on her task at hand. Lost in a well-contained bubble of subtly throbbing panic, her boss had left not twenty minutes before, confident that the mass amount of commands would be finished before the next morning. Leslie hummed, aiming to finish at least one task before the clocks ticked over to 3:30, heralding the release of children from their educational prisons. She was on the top of the high ladder placing the final craft kit on the top of a precarious pyramid when the ladder began to shake violently. Her last nerve snapped.
“Holy sweet mother-loving uncle of Benedict Arnold in a bonnet, what the hell is going on?!” she hollered to the ceiling, clinging desperately to the rail. It ceased its motion and coarse laughter drifted up toward her. “DAMMIT JAYNE. What did I tell you about doing that?!”
“It’s funny?” he chuckled, enjoying it all the more as a giggle harmonized with his own.
“That’s it. I’m going to kill you all.” Leslie muttered, beginning her descent.
“You keep saying that,” Jamie rejoined. “Yet, here we stand.”
Hopping to the ground, the haggard employee straightened her drone-wear with indignation. “I’m starting with Jayne, then I’m coming after you.”
“You say that now, but how are you at Canasta?”
“Shut up, Jamie.”
Jayne snorted. “You’re shaking more than a Chihuahua in a square dance.”
Before Leslie could manage an apt reply, a solid hand took hold of her shoulder and she glanced back to see Boromir standing, a grim expression on his face with a barely-perceptible smirk. “Shall I run him through?”
“Run me through what?”
At this moment, Shelly appeared with Seth right behind. He looked far calmer than usual, most likely because the craft store demographic allowed very little space for the kind of people that drooled over him. Shelly, however, seemed to fit right in as she attempted to balance a stack of London paraphernalia for her scrapbook. “Are you done yet?” she demanded.
Leslie rolled her eyes and suppressed the customer-service urge to ask if she could get her friend a basket. “I could ask you the same thing, but I won’t. The answer is yes, and I’d best clock out before I slip into overtime. I don’t need to hear that speech ever again.”
“Well, hurry it up. By the time you’re clocked out and we get to the lights, it’ll be dawn.”
“I’m going, I’m going!”
Jayne turned to follow the others, barely brushing against an over-full hook of crayons. A pack popped off and landed neatly on the base level of the pyramid causing it to shudder for a brief second. Nothing happened until he turned, once more, to leave. A dull roar grew from within the pile, and it began to shudder. Starting at the peak, it crumbled to the floor.
Jayne stared blankly. “Weren’t me.”
Shelly and Seth slipped away to the registers while Jamie pushed Jayne away, aiming for the exit. “Let’s get you out of here before you destroy anything else she might feel obligated to fix.”
One convenient nineties travel montage and time lapse later, and the six arrived at a humble entrance way. Two very cold men shuffled through the darkness to the car, thanked Leslie for the donation and returned to huddling around a campfire until another vehicle might appear. Shelly, next to Seth in the back seat of the Jeep, craned her neck.
“Okay, I don’t get it Leslie. You said this was a light show. All I see is trees.”
“That is because they set it up deeper in the park for a more dramatic effect.”
Another voice grumbled from the way back. “More dramatic my arse’s left cheek. Pass the ruttin’ popcorn.”
Gagging on her genuine British chocolate, Shelly coughed for a moment. “Thank you, Mr. Cobb, for that stunning imagery. I’ll be sure to mention it in my next therapy session.” She passed the large bag of kettle corn. “Maybe this will keep your mouth otherwise occupied for a while.”
Boromir applauded the effort. “One may only hope so. But look! The show begins.”
Tuning the radio to the correct station, Leslie filled the car with the Nutcracker Suite and drove slowly through. The girls oohed and aahed while the men sat in silent approval of free food.
Eight ten-foot tin soldiers were lined along the road, bayonets crossed in a regal arch. Ahead could be seen a continuation of the toy theme with exaggerated bears, boats and dollies. Perplexed, Leslie hunched forward and tried to stare up at the soldier’s faces as they rolled through. Shelly voiced a concern.
“I thought this was strictly low budget, Les…you know, the plastic penguins and purple camels and such.”
“I too recall you mentioning this, as it is all done by charitable donation in honor or remembrance.”
“I’m even more confused than you guys.” Leslie admitted. “And I missed the contributor plaque.”
“I can still see it,” put in Jamie, resting a hand on Jayne’s arm to pause his noisy crunches. “It’s an anonymous benefactor, in memoriam of the world.”
“Surely you mean honor--?”
“Memory, it says.”
“Odd.” Came the first word from Seth, echoing the thoughts of his five fellow passengers. The music broke and dead air filled the car for thirty seconds. The toy display was now behind them, and Leslie had a sinking feeling in her stomach. She knew her friends must as well, judging by the sound of various and assorted weapons being drawn. All that came to mind was a line from Jurassic Park.
“…where’s the goat?”
Quite suddenly, the radio crackled back into life with a familiar refrain.
“You’d better watch out.
You’d better not cry.
You’d better not pout,
I’m telling you why…”
“Sweet jumping fat man in a jump suit!” Leslie hollered, veering off the road. The space the jeep had just vacated was now a crater with a cloud of dust. Ten or fifteen yards away, a twelve-foot robot Santa retracted the enormous cork back into his toy gun. Far from jolly, the giant face scowled at the miss. Its head rotated, searching for its lost target and Leslie thanked the Lord she owned a Jeep.
Nestled in several bushes, the vehicle was well hidden. Those inside powwowed.
“This could be the best Christmas ever,” Jayne said, polishing his gun.
“Shut up, Jayne.”
“What?”
“I’m thinking we phone the authorities.” Shelly stated. When everyone stared at her, she added, “What? I didn’t say we had to just sit here and wait.” She held up her substantial sword, an early Christmas gift from Seth. He allowed a rare almost-smile. Leslie concurred, but Jamie was impatient.
“Just call already. I’ve been helping spoiled yuppies get their caffeine fix all day and I’ve got some fun to have.”
“That’s something I can help with, darlin’.”
“Shut up Jayne.”
“What?”
Boromir swiveled back to the conversation. “It would seem that the tin soldiers, dollies and bears had joined Santa. He must be the leader.”
“I always knew there was something sketchy about that guy.” Leslie pounded her fist in the other hand thoughtfully.
“What, since he never brought you that pony you always wanted?”
“Shut up, Jayne.”
“Hey!”
“Sorry, force of habit. Shut up Jamie.”
In the darkness, Seth grinned a devilish grin that made fangirls on the other continents faint and Shelly feel a little weak in the knees. “Lets get to this then, shall we?”
Leslie picked up her baseball bat [Mjolnir, Hammer of Thor, use in case of zombies] and smiled as well. “Oh, I do say.”
Keeping to couples for, as Jayne said, “convenient maneuvering capability,” the group split up. Aside from a quiet yelp from Leslie for muttering “I bet you’ll conveniently maneuver your capabilities,” it was a silent endeavor. Jamie and Jayne slipped off to the far side of the ever-growing horde while Shelly and Seth melded into the night and made for the closer side. Boromir watched as Leslie made a phone call.
---
“Seth!” Shelly whispered. “They’re almost all just the wire cages with the lights-if we destroy the mechanisms that enable movement, they’ll be entirely immobilized.”
With a nod, her beloved stood to his full height and allowed the wind to toy with his hair for dramatic effect as eh drew his disturbingly lengthy katana.
“That’s what she said.” Laughter floated from an unsuspecting car. Shelly gasped and lifted her own weapon to put down a well-lit puppy about to take hold of the bumper. With their possibly telepathic link, the couple managed to systematically destroy the motors, leaving the puppy gazing harmlessly.
“Aww…” cooed the occupants as they drove forward.
Across the way, Jayne and Jamie had happened upon a similar plan and were picking off stragglers. Sadly, this was to very little avail as it seemed that each time Santa passed a light display, they would rise and follow. Going beyond the expected toys, elves and penguins, he also had gathered the entire contents of the twelve days of Christmas. The partridge swooped behind in low, threatening circles, pausing only to land on Santa’s shoulder.
Jayne climbed the back of a shuffling snowman and easily severed its chords. Jamie hopped off the strange purple camel she had halted seconds before. “Lucky they only have frontal sensors.” She said, tossing hair out of her face.
“But it ain’t as much fun, you know? I know I say I’ll kill a man in a fair fight-”
“Or if you think he’s gonna start one…”
“Or if there’s a woman involved, but them’s men. These creepy arse machines ain’t very interesting if’n they don’t spotcha.” He scratched his head thoughtfully. “Maybe we could.”
“No.”
Before Jayne could reply, two enormous hands scooped them both up. The hands belonged to a giant boy in nineteenth century garb. Like Santa, he was also a solid being, a robot decked extensively in lights. “Hey!” it squealed. “Whatchoo doin?” He leaned in, peering closely. “Will you be my friends?”
“…yes?” Jamie offered.
“Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Now you can be friends with them, too!” The boy tossed them into a Christmas present, closing the lid.
“Jamie?”
“Shelly?”
“Any word on how things are going?”
“Yeah. Rotten.” Jayne growled. The gift rocked back and forth, knocking the four around like scrambled eggs.
“How’d you guys fair?” Shelly asked.
“Took out a good number, at least ten or twelve, before this.”
“Us too. Leslie and Boromir?”
“No idea.”
“Oh dear.”
---
Elsewhere, the couple in question were still in the car. Leslie flipped her phone closed and threw it into the back, wrinkling her nose. “The police will be arriving any minute.”
“That was the goal, was it not?”
“Yes, but they weren’t supposed to be tracing the call so they could arrest me for pranking 911.”
“Ah.”
“So, yes. A black and white will be pulling in probably about fifteen or twenty minutes from now.”
“I fear that it may already be too late, with our friends being so long out of contact. We have no way of knowing how they fair.”
“Then let’s go get them.”
“How do you propose we locate them?” Boromir asked with a frown.
Leslie smiled brightly, pressing a side panel in the consol of the Jeep. A click was heard as the panel popped up and flipped to reveal a small screen with blinking lights. Four were close together, but moving in a curious path. Boromir leaned in and scrutinized the object.
“And this is?”
“An ace in our sleeve. Let’s go!”
The Jeep burst from the undergrowth and sped into the night with Leslie’s passenger pondering a possibly more stealthy approach. Before he could suggest it, however, they had thoroughly destroyed three elves and a snowman, sending tiny bulbs flying every which way. She was about to ram the not-so-jolly-icon of Christmas when a moose-one final robot among lighting fixtures-caught them up in its antlers. They were suspended in midair.
Santa began to laugh. He chortled and chuckled and held his belly as he ho-ho-hoed. He gasped for air before a long line of cackling gave way to a string of guffaws that faded into evil snickers. Wiping an imaginary tear from his metallic eye, Santa ceased. Leslie estimated thirty minutes had passed.
“Pathetic, foolish worm beasts. Pitiful, stupid mud babies. Ignorant, pathetic-”
“You already said pathetic,” put in the boy, swinging the present in his hands.
“SILENCE. And put that yammering box down.” Santa shrieked, pointing dramatically. “What you say does not matter for I am not in control!”
“No you’re not.” Was the sing-song reply.
“Enough, Gir. Now release the Dib-monkey from your containment unit! He must see my glory.” Santa basked as the boy flipped the box upside down and watched his prisoners tumble out. Jayne landed on top and stretched.
“Much better.”
“GET. OFF.” Seth demanded, standing up, forcing Jayne to one side and rising.
As the girls both rose, Santa’s face contorted with rage and froze that way, splitting open to reveal a tiny green figure irately waving minute black fists. “WHAT IS THIS?” it screamed. “These are not the Dib! You said there was interference! Where is the Dib?”
“I dunno.” The boy said, swaying back and forth. “Can we have tacos?”
“NO. Not until the Dib arrives to witness my victory!”
The six humans watched the conversation blankly. They were used to weird, but this threw them for a complete loop. Leslie, who had rolled down her window, raised her hand.
“I’m confused. What’s going on?”
“I am ZIM. Soon, all of your putrid race shall know my name and bow to ME!” Zim posed.
“Why?” Shelly asked, rubbing at her bruised elbow ruefully.
“I am an invader of the mighty Irken race and shall soon conquer your planet.”
“Oh.” She and Leslie chorused.
“Oh, indeed. Now, if you’ll all wait patiently for your turn at doom, I’ll destroy you.”
“No thanks.” Seth replied, drawing his katana.
“Where did that come from?! I don’t understand!” Zim shrieked as Seth dived toward him, katana slicing through the body of the suit with ease. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Shelly turned to see if there was retribution coming from the lackies, but Gir had begun amusing himself by making the Christmas lights square dance. “Weeheeheehoo, swing your partners round and let ‘em goooooooooo!” Twenty lighting fixtures flew through the air, crashing into trees.
By this point, Zim had leapt out of his machine and was skittering across the grass with long metal spider legs. He scrambled past Shelly, narrowly missing her attempt to take him down with a branch she found. Jamie and Jayne were both setting to work on the robot moose where Leslie was already hanging out the window, battering it with her bat and Boromir was hacking at it with his sword.
“Gir, we must leave here quickly!” He tapped a series of freckles and the boy’s hat popped off revealing a tiny silver robot. Zim hopped on Gir’s back and the two took off into the night.
The moose looked up at the disappearing trail sadly and squeaked. Pulling Jayne down, Jamie slid off at patted its muzzle. “That’s okay, moose.”
Joining them on the ground, Boromir offered to catch Leslie who snorted in reply. “I’m not leaving my baby!” she patted the door lovingly. “We’ve been through too much!”
“Leslie, it’s not even your car…and it’s not like we’ll let anything happen to it.”
“Well, it’s my mom’s car, and that’s all the more reason for me to stay with it…”
“NONE OF YOU MOVE. STEP AWAY FROM THE MOOSE AND HOLD YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.”
“What in the ruttin nine hells is that?” Jayne grunted, peering to the sky where a brilliant spot light glared down to them.
“SERIOUSLY. STOP MOVING NOW.”
Leslie stared up as well. “Is that who I think it is?”
“THAT DEPENDS. WILL YOU MAKE POPCORN?”
“JACK, SHUT UP AND GET ME DOWN.” She shouted in reply.
“How is it this man constantly appears around us?” Seth wondered aloud.
Boromir smiled. “I think it may have something to do with small blinking lights.”
Shelly and Jamie frowned and looked to Leslie who was now enjoying a lift, quite literally, from the military helicopter Jack had arrived in. The group gathered around her window as Jack and Daniel descended from a ladder. Daniel waved.
“Hey guys.”
“Everyone okay?” Jack asked, grinning and stuffing his hands in his pockets.
“Fundamentally sound.” Shelly replied, rubbing her elbow again.
“What’re you doing here?” Jayne asked.
“We heard something about some crazy lady calling in about giant light fixtures attacking the public.”
“Jack…?”
“Well, we might have your names tagged in our networks.”
“Why is that?!” Jamie jumped in, hands on hips.
Jack shrugged while Daniel replied. “You have to admit, you guys have a habit of being around when, shall we say, weird things happen.”
“Point.” Allowed Shelly. “Now, let’s get out of here. I think I’ve had my fill of Christmas lights for one night.”
The friends nodded.
“I suppose we can clean up after you guys here. As soon as you called, you had your own satellite, so we saw the alien.”
“You’ve seen him before at all?”
“Glimpses. He’s stupid, but slippery. Intel is working on it.”
Leslie patted the moose. “Well, you guys can use this guy for some solid backward engineering. I’m sure Sam will like that.”
“And I beg Teal’c will love this one.” Jamie held up a foot-ball sized [and shaped] floating moose. It squeaked.
“All right. Let’s get out of here.”
“No popcorn?”
“Shut up, Jack.”
.