Devon.
I can't remember if I have ever posted to my journal about Devon or not, but he is my ex.
The story: I was going through a really depressing time in my life for several different reasons, one being that I was finally admitting to myself that I was in fact a lesbian, and there was nothing I could do about it, and considering coming out to my mom. I was terrified of losing my family, I'd seen it happen to my friend Andrea that year. I'd lost a very close friend as well, so yeah I was in the dumps. I am not saying this is an excuse for what I did, just giving my state of mental health.
So anyway, I met Devon and we became friends. I got it in my head that I wasn't going to be a lesbian and I started dating him. I really liked him, but only as a friend. I tried to force myself to like him as more, and for a while convinced myself that I did. We lived in this lie for about four months, and one day he introduced me to his friend from work. Her name was Sarah. I instantly fell head over heels in love with Sarah. I tried to fight it for another two months, stayed with Devon and hung out with Sarah on the side. Not cheated, I never cheat even though for some odd reason Devon gave me permission to cheat... The more time I spent with Sarah the more I realized that she was the one for me, my soul mate.
Eventually, after WAY to long I broke up with Devon for her and in the process I broke his heart. I fee so horrible for what I did to him, he really loved me. I really loved and cared about him too, just not in the same way. I will always carry that guilt in my heart for the pain I caused him. Always. I felt like the worst person in the world for everything, but I am over that part now, still feel the guilt tho.
Anyway, what I did to him sent him into a downward spiral of depression. He hasn't had any friends since, he has had two girlfriends, but they both ended very badly, and it has been three years. He stayed to himself, and has lost three years of his life. And that is all my fault.
Recently he showed up randomly on my doorstep, wanted to talk. So we did, and he said he is tried of being lonely, having no friends, and being a hermit. He is trying to pull himself out of the hole he has dug and wanted to start hanging out again. Despite all the advice I got against it, I did. Everyone told me it was a bad idea, but you know me I got to do it anyway. We haven't hung out much, but just every now and then we will. I have missed his friendship so much these past few years.
Anyway, he came to the party last night. I had a great time hanging with him. He even brought me home so that I didn't have to stay over at Nikki's house. (Nothing against her, I just like sleeping in my own bed.). Anyway, I told him to text me when he got home so I would know he made it safe, and he sent me this;
"I'm home thanks for tonight it was helpful to finally convince myself that I don't feel that way about you anymore, you have no clue how hard it's been without friends and jumping from one failed relationship after the other and still being alone again I am sorry I didn't make up as friends sooner I just didn't know what to say. I've just been broken and lost but today helped and hopefully I gained some trust from Sarah. I forgive you."
This message meant more to me than he'll ever know. I think I can forgive myself now. I am so glad that he is making this leap, and I'm also glad that we can call each other friends again. I cried when I got his message.
I think I will always feel guilt, but he has lifted all the horrible feelings I had towards myself, and has relieved me of tons of guilty weight.
I am so glad I took the chance and befriended him again.
The story: I was going through a really depressing time in my life for several different reasons, one being that I was finally admitting to myself that I was in fact a lesbian, and there was nothing I could do about it, and considering coming out to my mom. I was terrified of losing my family, I'd seen it happen to my friend Andrea that year. I'd lost a very close friend as well, so yeah I was in the dumps. I am not saying this is an excuse for what I did, just giving my state of mental health.
So anyway, I met Devon and we became friends. I got it in my head that I wasn't going to be a lesbian and I started dating him. I really liked him, but only as a friend. I tried to force myself to like him as more, and for a while convinced myself that I did. We lived in this lie for about four months, and one day he introduced me to his friend from work. Her name was Sarah. I instantly fell head over heels in love with Sarah. I tried to fight it for another two months, stayed with Devon and hung out with Sarah on the side. Not cheated, I never cheat even though for some odd reason Devon gave me permission to cheat... The more time I spent with Sarah the more I realized that she was the one for me, my soul mate.
Eventually, after WAY to long I broke up with Devon for her and in the process I broke his heart. I fee so horrible for what I did to him, he really loved me. I really loved and cared about him too, just not in the same way. I will always carry that guilt in my heart for the pain I caused him. Always. I felt like the worst person in the world for everything, but I am over that part now, still feel the guilt tho.
Anyway, what I did to him sent him into a downward spiral of depression. He hasn't had any friends since, he has had two girlfriends, but they both ended very badly, and it has been three years. He stayed to himself, and has lost three years of his life. And that is all my fault.
Recently he showed up randomly on my doorstep, wanted to talk. So we did, and he said he is tried of being lonely, having no friends, and being a hermit. He is trying to pull himself out of the hole he has dug and wanted to start hanging out again. Despite all the advice I got against it, I did. Everyone told me it was a bad idea, but you know me I got to do it anyway. We haven't hung out much, but just every now and then we will. I have missed his friendship so much these past few years.
Anyway, he came to the party last night. I had a great time hanging with him. He even brought me home so that I didn't have to stay over at Nikki's house. (Nothing against her, I just like sleeping in my own bed.). Anyway, I told him to text me when he got home so I would know he made it safe, and he sent me this;
"I'm home thanks for tonight it was helpful to finally convince myself that I don't feel that way about you anymore, you have no clue how hard it's been without friends and jumping from one failed relationship after the other and still being alone again I am sorry I didn't make up as friends sooner I just didn't know what to say. I've just been broken and lost but today helped and hopefully I gained some trust from Sarah. I forgive you."
This message meant more to me than he'll ever know. I think I can forgive myself now. I am so glad that he is making this leap, and I'm also glad that we can call each other friends again. I cried when I got his message.
I think I will always feel guilt, but he has lifted all the horrible feelings I had towards myself, and has relieved me of tons of guilty weight.
I am so glad I took the chance and befriended him again.