I know this is a long one but if you could please read....
Hi, long time no see eh? I kind of forgot about LJ and went through a pretty dark peirod of my life. Really I forgot about most social media sites I used to love to keep up with. BUT it's time for a major update on me and my life. This is going to take a while and probably several entries, but if there are any of my LJ friends still out there that would like to join me on my journey of recovery and growth in my mental helth problems and just in my life in general, stay tuned.
I was actually just released from a psychartic facility dealing with my Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and new digonesis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I let things decline pretty badly for myself before I realzed it and went in for treatment. Since the begining of June I have been instutionalized a total of three times, but I don't think I will need to go back. I am putting most of this under a cut because it's pretty long and I don't want to be buggin.
First I need to touch base on what is currently going on with me now, and I will get into all the other stuff later. I have been sick, very sick. I go weeks at a time where I throw up most of the day every day and can't hold anything down. I kept going to the hospital trying to get help and figure out what's wrong because this has been going on since October. In October I was hospitalized for a week and held nothing down for a week, I was released on my Birthday actually. Just a few months after that episode I had another really bad week long and was hospitalized again. Since those two episodes it got to the point where I was throwing up one or two days a week, then three or four, and was progressively getting worse, and needless to say all this throwing up was taking it's toll on my mental state.
This last time I went to the hospital they only kept me on the medical floor for one night before they sent me to the St. Clare unit. St. Clare is the facility I went to for my mental health issues. The other times they sent me there they at least got me stabilized first and got the vomiting down to a minimum before they transferred me. Not this time.
I got to the unit throwing up and I had sever stomach and back pain, shortness of breath, racing heart beat, and dizziness and passing out. There were points where my heart would beat so hard that the Techs could see my pulse throughout my entire body, even my toes would vibrate with each heart beat. They held me in the unit for nine days telling me that my sickness was all in my head and basically, if I wanted to stop it all I had to do was calm down and it would go away. Well I did try that, to no avail.
My actual doctor told me I was in denial about it not being all in my head before they even ran the few tests I was able to get them to run while I was in there. It was a nightmare come true, and I mean that. I have reoccurring theme nightmares and one of the themes is being stuck in a mental intuition when I didn't need to be.
It got to the point where I couldn't even walk around the unit because I was so malnourished that I would get light headed, they had to get me a shower chair because I could no longer stand to take a shower. I think I blacked completely out about five times on the unit, and came close to many more to count. I begged them for a change of doctor, or to send me to a hospital for a second opinion. I had to be so drugged up every morning that I didn't even really get to talk to my doctors. The first morning I was able to go through the vomiting without needing to be sedated due to sever panic attacks I was so excited and proud of myself. I know this was not in my head, but I also know my anxiety made it about ten times worse than it should have had to be, but that morning I kept my own self calm, and had no panic attacks. I couldn't wait to talk to the doctor that was on call for the weekend and tell him about my huge accomplishment.
This is on day eight, and during the whole time I was there when I say I held absolutely nothing I tried down I am not exaggerating one tiny bit. After the first two days I just fasted because it was easier that way. So, I am sitting in the commons area and the doctor points to me and wiggles his finger at me to 'Come Here' like you do a child who is misbehaving. Well, I was to excited to even care, I walk over to him and he crosses his arms and says "What's going on with you?" I asked him if we could go somewhere and sit down to talk, like he did with all the other patients he had seen that day and he said 'No, I like to stand but you can sit though' and motioned to a chair in the commons area right next to a group of other patients, I didn't want to talk that close but I was un able to stand for more than three or four minutes without passing out. I started to explain the throwing up and he cut me off getting really loud and said 'I don't care about the vomiting I'm not here to fix that.' and he turned to leave, and I asked again if I could please talk to him so he turned around about twelve feet or so from me like I was some kind of disease he shouldn't get to close to. This caused me to have to basically yell my concerns to him because the commons area is full of talking patients playing cards and other things so it's loud. This man was not my normal doctor, he was the weekend guy because my doc was off for the weekend, not that I think it would have been anymore successful trying to talk to her about it.
I tried to ask him if I was allowed to request another doctor because I didn't like the way Icball was handling my case and I wanted a second opinion. He told me flat out no, that I did not have the right to request another doc or second opinion from the health floor or the mental health unit. That's quite far from true, which most of you probably already know. Now, the whole time I am talking to Dr. Warner (that's the doc I've been having to yell at) he is constantly trying to walk away from me in mid sentence and kept cutting me off and talking over me. Anyway here are a few fun quotes from Dr. Warner that he made during our conversation. Explicit content warning.
"There is nothing fucking wrong with you it is all up in your fucking head." This quote came with a very condescending point to his head.
"You just want the hospital to keep running tests until they find out what's wrong." Well duh!! I mean isn't that what people go to the hospital for when something is wrong so that the hospital can run tests until they figure out what it is and how to treat it??
"There is nothing god damn wrong with you and we should just send your fucking ass home anyway."
"Stop fucking whining about the throwing up, I'm not here to fix that."
"You only want another doctor because Icball isn't telling you what you want to hear."
"No, you're not sick it's all in your fucking head."
"The hospital does not want to spend thousands of dollars running tests on your ass when there is nothing wrong with you."
I have never in my life had any professional in any field talk to me that way, not even when I got into it over some work done on my car at a shop, those guys cuss like sailors for the most part, I know my dad is a mechanic. lol
Well, then he turned and just walked away while I was still talking to him, I was so embarrassed that I had just be yelled at and cussed out in front of almost everyone that I had a panic attack and ran to my room crying hysterically and asked to see my nurse, I had the sweetest nurse that day. I loved Mrs. Maggie, she was always so kind and compassionate. Well it took her four hours to finally come talk to me and by that time my roommate and I had calmed myself down from the panic attack. I was so relived to see her because I still needed to tell someone about how proud I was of myself and I needed to cry to someone about how that doctor had treated me.
The minute I opened my mouth to start speaking her demeanor changed, she wasn't sweet Mrs. Maggie any longer, it was Mayhem Maggie. Here are some fun quotes from our conversation.
"Maybe you needed to be talked to that way because you are being such a baby about all this." Um, no. No one needs to be talked to that way by a doctor, let alone a physc patient who you know is already on the edge.
"He told you that because you don't need a second opinion because it is all in your head."
"You need to suck it up and quit whining." In my book there is a big difference in whining and crying, I was crying. And having a panic attack. Whining to me would have been like - Wah that doctor was mean to me. No, I was crying and panicking so badly that I got muscle cramps in muscles I didn't even know I had because I've never felt them before. My panic attacks come with muscle spasms, but normally only in my calves, hands, feet, face, and back. At one point the spasms had my teeth chattering together so hard that it broke a few pieces of one really bad tooth off.
Then she just walked out the room while I was still crying and trying to talk to her and rudely tossed a 'Dialectal Behavioral Theory' packet on my bed, I already had one and had been working on it with my outpatient counselor.
The very next phone time I got on and called my mom and Sarah crying telling them that I needed to get out of there and by the next day that had me out of that place and I'm staying at my grandparents right now because they are closer to a different/better hospital system. That was three days ago.
I had a really bad morning and so they took me to the hospital in New Orleans and every one I talked to there was disgusted at the way I was treated in St. Clare. unit. Here is a quote from a doctor that saw me today. (technically yesterday since it's like 12:34am here right now.) "I'm ashamed that there are individuals in my profession that would talk to you like that and treat you that way. This is not in your head sweet heart and we are going to figure out what it is. I am so sorry this has happened to you."
Well, I have gastritis, which if left untreated can get pretty serious. The pounding heart was because my potassium was allowed to get so low because I had had nothing in my body nourishment wise in days. The back pain was toxins building up in my kidneys that I already have kidney disease in and my kidneys are low functioning as it is. The toxins were allowed to build up because my kidneys weren't being flushed. Even people who fast drink water just to keep the toxins from building up in their kidneys. My bilirubin numbers were three times the amount that they should be and that has to do with liver function. I honestly could have gone into kidney failure in there.
There is so much more I want to share with you but I'm going to stop myself here because this post is already getting kind of long and I don't want to bore you guys my first post back. I am just so excited that I am finally taking steps in the direction of recovery of my metal wellness that I just need to share it. I am no longer ashamed by my mental illness and I can finally be open and honest and that is what is enabling me to heal.
Anyway, if you took the time to actually read this whole post I appreciate it so much, I just feel like I need to share this and to talk to people about my self, and their selves. I just feel the need to connect. I hope my old LJ friends out there that I was close to, it was only a few, are still there and are doing okay. Tomorrow I plan to read around all your journal entries to see what has been going on with you guys.
I was actually just released from a psychartic facility dealing with my Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and new digonesis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I let things decline pretty badly for myself before I realzed it and went in for treatment. Since the begining of June I have been instutionalized a total of three times, but I don't think I will need to go back. I am putting most of this under a cut because it's pretty long and I don't want to be buggin.
First I need to touch base on what is currently going on with me now, and I will get into all the other stuff later. I have been sick, very sick. I go weeks at a time where I throw up most of the day every day and can't hold anything down. I kept going to the hospital trying to get help and figure out what's wrong because this has been going on since October. In October I was hospitalized for a week and held nothing down for a week, I was released on my Birthday actually. Just a few months after that episode I had another really bad week long and was hospitalized again. Since those two episodes it got to the point where I was throwing up one or two days a week, then three or four, and was progressively getting worse, and needless to say all this throwing up was taking it's toll on my mental state.
This last time I went to the hospital they only kept me on the medical floor for one night before they sent me to the St. Clare unit. St. Clare is the facility I went to for my mental health issues. The other times they sent me there they at least got me stabilized first and got the vomiting down to a minimum before they transferred me. Not this time.
I got to the unit throwing up and I had sever stomach and back pain, shortness of breath, racing heart beat, and dizziness and passing out. There were points where my heart would beat so hard that the Techs could see my pulse throughout my entire body, even my toes would vibrate with each heart beat. They held me in the unit for nine days telling me that my sickness was all in my head and basically, if I wanted to stop it all I had to do was calm down and it would go away. Well I did try that, to no avail.
My actual doctor told me I was in denial about it not being all in my head before they even ran the few tests I was able to get them to run while I was in there. It was a nightmare come true, and I mean that. I have reoccurring theme nightmares and one of the themes is being stuck in a mental intuition when I didn't need to be.
It got to the point where I couldn't even walk around the unit because I was so malnourished that I would get light headed, they had to get me a shower chair because I could no longer stand to take a shower. I think I blacked completely out about five times on the unit, and came close to many more to count. I begged them for a change of doctor, or to send me to a hospital for a second opinion. I had to be so drugged up every morning that I didn't even really get to talk to my doctors. The first morning I was able to go through the vomiting without needing to be sedated due to sever panic attacks I was so excited and proud of myself. I know this was not in my head, but I also know my anxiety made it about ten times worse than it should have had to be, but that morning I kept my own self calm, and had no panic attacks. I couldn't wait to talk to the doctor that was on call for the weekend and tell him about my huge accomplishment.
This is on day eight, and during the whole time I was there when I say I held absolutely nothing I tried down I am not exaggerating one tiny bit. After the first two days I just fasted because it was easier that way. So, I am sitting in the commons area and the doctor points to me and wiggles his finger at me to 'Come Here' like you do a child who is misbehaving. Well, I was to excited to even care, I walk over to him and he crosses his arms and says "What's going on with you?" I asked him if we could go somewhere and sit down to talk, like he did with all the other patients he had seen that day and he said 'No, I like to stand but you can sit though' and motioned to a chair in the commons area right next to a group of other patients, I didn't want to talk that close but I was un able to stand for more than three or four minutes without passing out. I started to explain the throwing up and he cut me off getting really loud and said 'I don't care about the vomiting I'm not here to fix that.' and he turned to leave, and I asked again if I could please talk to him so he turned around about twelve feet or so from me like I was some kind of disease he shouldn't get to close to. This caused me to have to basically yell my concerns to him because the commons area is full of talking patients playing cards and other things so it's loud. This man was not my normal doctor, he was the weekend guy because my doc was off for the weekend, not that I think it would have been anymore successful trying to talk to her about it.
I tried to ask him if I was allowed to request another doctor because I didn't like the way Icball was handling my case and I wanted a second opinion. He told me flat out no, that I did not have the right to request another doc or second opinion from the health floor or the mental health unit. That's quite far from true, which most of you probably already know. Now, the whole time I am talking to Dr. Warner (that's the doc I've been having to yell at) he is constantly trying to walk away from me in mid sentence and kept cutting me off and talking over me. Anyway here are a few fun quotes from Dr. Warner that he made during our conversation. Explicit content warning.
"There is nothing fucking wrong with you it is all up in your fucking head." This quote came with a very condescending point to his head.
"You just want the hospital to keep running tests until they find out what's wrong." Well duh!! I mean isn't that what people go to the hospital for when something is wrong so that the hospital can run tests until they figure out what it is and how to treat it??
"There is nothing god damn wrong with you and we should just send your fucking ass home anyway."
"Stop fucking whining about the throwing up, I'm not here to fix that."
"You only want another doctor because Icball isn't telling you what you want to hear."
"No, you're not sick it's all in your fucking head."
"The hospital does not want to spend thousands of dollars running tests on your ass when there is nothing wrong with you."
I have never in my life had any professional in any field talk to me that way, not even when I got into it over some work done on my car at a shop, those guys cuss like sailors for the most part, I know my dad is a mechanic. lol
Well, then he turned and just walked away while I was still talking to him, I was so embarrassed that I had just be yelled at and cussed out in front of almost everyone that I had a panic attack and ran to my room crying hysterically and asked to see my nurse, I had the sweetest nurse that day. I loved Mrs. Maggie, she was always so kind and compassionate. Well it took her four hours to finally come talk to me and by that time my roommate and I had calmed myself down from the panic attack. I was so relived to see her because I still needed to tell someone about how proud I was of myself and I needed to cry to someone about how that doctor had treated me.
The minute I opened my mouth to start speaking her demeanor changed, she wasn't sweet Mrs. Maggie any longer, it was Mayhem Maggie. Here are some fun quotes from our conversation.
"Maybe you needed to be talked to that way because you are being such a baby about all this." Um, no. No one needs to be talked to that way by a doctor, let alone a physc patient who you know is already on the edge.
"He told you that because you don't need a second opinion because it is all in your head."
"You need to suck it up and quit whining." In my book there is a big difference in whining and crying, I was crying. And having a panic attack. Whining to me would have been like - Wah that doctor was mean to me. No, I was crying and panicking so badly that I got muscle cramps in muscles I didn't even know I had because I've never felt them before. My panic attacks come with muscle spasms, but normally only in my calves, hands, feet, face, and back. At one point the spasms had my teeth chattering together so hard that it broke a few pieces of one really bad tooth off.
Then she just walked out the room while I was still crying and trying to talk to her and rudely tossed a 'Dialectal Behavioral Theory' packet on my bed, I already had one and had been working on it with my outpatient counselor.
The very next phone time I got on and called my mom and Sarah crying telling them that I needed to get out of there and by the next day that had me out of that place and I'm staying at my grandparents right now because they are closer to a different/better hospital system. That was three days ago.
I had a really bad morning and so they took me to the hospital in New Orleans and every one I talked to there was disgusted at the way I was treated in St. Clare. unit. Here is a quote from a doctor that saw me today. (technically yesterday since it's like 12:34am here right now.) "I'm ashamed that there are individuals in my profession that would talk to you like that and treat you that way. This is not in your head sweet heart and we are going to figure out what it is. I am so sorry this has happened to you."
Well, I have gastritis, which if left untreated can get pretty serious. The pounding heart was because my potassium was allowed to get so low because I had had nothing in my body nourishment wise in days. The back pain was toxins building up in my kidneys that I already have kidney disease in and my kidneys are low functioning as it is. The toxins were allowed to build up because my kidneys weren't being flushed. Even people who fast drink water just to keep the toxins from building up in their kidneys. My bilirubin numbers were three times the amount that they should be and that has to do with liver function. I honestly could have gone into kidney failure in there.
There is so much more I want to share with you but I'm going to stop myself here because this post is already getting kind of long and I don't want to bore you guys my first post back. I am just so excited that I am finally taking steps in the direction of recovery of my metal wellness that I just need to share it. I am no longer ashamed by my mental illness and I can finally be open and honest and that is what is enabling me to heal.
Anyway, if you took the time to actually read this whole post I appreciate it so much, I just feel like I need to share this and to talk to people about my self, and their selves. I just feel the need to connect. I hope my old LJ friends out there that I was close to, it was only a few, are still there and are doing okay. Tomorrow I plan to read around all your journal entries to see what has been going on with you guys.