Self discovery.
So, last night as Sarah and I were laying in bed winding down from the night she complimented me on my teeth, said they were getting whiter. It surprised me because I haven't done anything to make them whiter, so I was kinda skeptical. She asked if she could take a picture to show me, and she would delete it after. I said okay.
When she showed me that picture I realized that was the VERY FIRST time I'd ever seen myself smile since I was very little. I've trained myself never to smile. It hurt.
See I have messed up teeth. Badly messed up. I am well aware that I have no one to blame but myself. Well, younger self. I'm better now, but as a kid through a teen I didn't brush. I was stupid and lazy. My parents paid out the ass for braces and dental work, but me being the lazy fuck-up I used to be took it for-granted. I loathe myself for this because I see myself as so ugly.
Now I know loathe and ugly are pretty strong words to use, but it's the only ones to describe how I feel about myself when I look at my teeth.
I only have about four good teeth, and I'm missing one and a half teeth right in the front, and many more in the back. What teeth I do have are all chipped. Its quite a chore to eat.
I broke down and cried the moment I saw that picture. And when I say cry I mean I was on the verge of throwing up because I couldn't breathe from choking, and I stayed real close to a panic attack. Still have a stuffy nose.
BUT, I'm glad it happened because I have never let these feelings out. I've never allowed myself. That's why it hit me so hard. I don't think I ever let myself realize just how ugly my teeth really are, and just how much I want to be able to smile.
I NEVER smile in pictures. Thats why I hate pictures. I cant smile because I hate my smile, (And I look like a doofy idiot when I don't smile) and hate myself for making me this way. I almost never smile in public, I'll grin. But not smile. I have it down to an art, I am conscious about EVERY muscle around my mouth and how it is moving when I'm talking or laughing so I can make sure I don't smile. I'm well trained.
It's really not hard, since I hate myself for it anyway and don't feel I even deserve to smile.
So, since I was very young, Sarah is the only one to have ever seen me smile. For some reason, no matter how much I hate myself, when I see her look at me I feel beautiful. I also realized that the very first time I EVER felt beautiful was the night Sarah and I shared our first kiss, a little more than four years. And the ONLY time I ever feel beautiful is when I see myself through her eyes. I know she doesn't see my effed up gremlin smile. She sees me for me, and I love her for that. She is the soul source for what little self confidence I actually have.
This whole episode was good for another reason, I realized I'm not actually bothered about my weight. I'm a big girl, but I realize I'm fine with that. I've always kinda known I liked being big. I still want to lose weight for the health benefits since being overweight isn't good on my kidneys and feet or knees, but I really like myself as is. I have made myself hate my body over the years because I thought if I had a more 'ideal' body people (including myself) wouldn't see how ugly I am due to my smile. It was actually in my power to 'fix' my body. I can't fix my teeth right now.
I can someday, and I can't wait for that day. Someday I'll be able to smile with everyone else. Someday I won't feel the desire to delete or shred every single picture of me. Someday I won't hate myself. I will love myself again.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or anything, because this is my fault. The blame is ALL mine and I know that, I just needed to get this all out.
The crying into Sarah's arms helped a lot last night, but I needed to get it out in text.
Thanks F-List for letting me get all emo on you guys.
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